Hey, gaybeans! Kristin is going to be the guest on KDVS’s “Speaking in Tongues” radio show on Friday, June 21at 8pm EST / 5pm PST! You can listen in from anywhere by clicking “Listen Now”! She’ll be talking about lots of totally gay things including San Francisco Pride, our recent Music Week, how much pasta Dannielle ate while in Italy, and her cat’s favorite colors. Tweet questions to @everyoneisgay during the broadcast and Kristin will do her best to answer them live and on-air! Tadaaaaa.

Hey, gaybeans!

Kristin is going to be the guest on KDVS’s “Speaking in Tongues” radio show on Friday, June 21at 8pm EST / 5pm PST!

You can listen in from anywhere by clicking “Listen Now”!

She’ll be talking about lots of totally gay things including San Francisco Pride, our recent Music Week, how much pasta Dannielle ate while in Italy, and her cat’s favorite colors.

Tweet questions to @everyoneisgay during the broadcast and Kristin will do her best to answer them live and on-air!

Tadaaaaa.

20 notes

“My parents want me to stay in the closet till I’m eighteen. That’s three years. Should I tell them how I really feel and risk ruining everything with them or do what they want? They think I’m not ready for the real world but I know what it’s like. How can I get them to realise I’m not some stupid teenager rushing into this without thinking?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you should absolutely tell them how you feel. There isn’t really anyway for them to KNOW what your process is or what you’re going through or what you’re feeling if you don’t tell them. 

Chances are they’ll still be worried for you, I mean, isn’t that what our parents do best? Worry?

If I were you (keep in mind I’m terrible at conversating, so maybe you don’t need to do this) I would make a list of the reasons you want to come out now. You can just make it in your head, but prepare yourself for the questions they’ll have and answer them in your head (or on paper) ahead of time. If they’re concerned that you “aren’t thinking” and you have answers READY TO GO, it’ll just help them to realize you totally are thinking. You know what I mean?

Parents baby us for our entire lives. They don’t MEAN to, but like, we are their kids. Sometimes they need a slight reminder that we are also grown-ass-humans. Now is a good time to remind them. You know what you want to do and this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you, let them know your decision. I SUPPORT YOU. 

Kristin Says:

I agree one million thousand percent. You should speak with your parents and, like Dannielle said, you should prepare yourself as best as you can for that conversation.

It is very hard for parents to transition from a place where they have to tell us not to put our hands on the stove, not to eat only twizzlers for breakfast, and not to color a mural on their living room wall, to a place where they understand us as people capable of making informed decisions. Try to look at this conversation as the first step toward a place where they will begin to understand you as a smart, capable person. They aren’t quite there yet, but that is okay. They will get there.

My personal opinion is that this is your life and your identity, and ultimately your choice. However, that doesn’t mean that I think you should just walk in and say, “Parents, this is my life so I am doing what I want.” I think you should give them the chance to be a part of this process, and I think that you should listen to their concerns honestly and openly.

Sit them down and tell them that you love them. Tell them that you know they are worried for a lot of reasons, and that you’d like to talk about those things more—but that you are living this experience and very much feel that you need to be able to come out on some level to feel like a complete person. Tell them that you would love to have their support in any way they can give it, and that if they would like to help you figure out the path forward, that would be incredibly helpful.

Hear their concerns, explain your position, listen, and make informed decisions based on that entire experience. Be respectful of them at every turn, be patient, be open, be firm. Don’t rush into anything. Express yourself clearly. If the conversation needs space, return to it in a week or so when things have calmed down. It isn’t going to be easy, and it might even be unpleasant, but it is hard to help our parents to a place where they let us grow up… and this is your first step.

85 notes

“Hey, so my sister sent a naked picture of herself to me on accident that was supposed to go to her girlfriend (I hope) and now I don’t know what to do/say. Help?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

THIS IS THE WORST AND ALSO THE FUNNIEST AND HOPEFULLY IN 40 YEARS YOU’LL BE AROUND A CAMPFIRE TELLING THIS STORY TO ALL YOUR GRANDKIDS BUT FOR NOW HAHAHAHAH OMG STOP HAHAHAHA OMGOMGOMG

Whew. 

Glad I got that off my chest. I’m going to pretend for a second that my BFF (who is basically my sister) sent me a nakey pix of herself on accident. I would SCREAM first and then probably text our mutual friend in all caps “WHAT DO I DO OMG I’M DYING I CAN’T LOLOLO” and I think I would end up sending the picture BACK to her and saying “WRONG NUMBER, I HATE YOU” and she would be super embarrassed and I would make fun of her for a long, long, time. 

ALTHOUGH, I would only do that bc I know she could handle it and our relationship is mostly based on jokes and funny stuff. If your sister is super serious all the time and you don’t have a good relationship you should maybe use it as blackmail next time she tries to get you in trouble?? 

(probably don’t do that tho)

Kristin Says:

I would like to second Dannielle: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG.

Seriously, while I know this is traumatic in the moment, and that you can never erase these images from your brain, and blahblahblah, it is one of the funniest mistakes I have ever heard of in my life. Dear god, it is hysterical.

I thought long and hard about this, and my final answer is: Doodle Buddy.

Take the naked pic of your sister, and use the Doodle Buddy app to draw on clothes, and text it back to her without any explanation. I think that will do the trick.

Here is a picture of a naked lady I found on the internet by googling “Naked Lady Tasteful,” after I gave her a Doodle Buddy outfit. You’re welcome.

image

309 notes

“I don’t feel comfortable or like I belong anywhere. What should I do?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Matt Morris

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Matt Says:

First, thank you for being brave enough to voice these feelings here. You’d be surprised how many people in the world feel the way you feel but never say so. They might look on the outside like they’ve got it all put together and figured out, but that isn’t always the case. The truth is that we all feel the way you’re feeling at some point in our life. So, thank you for having the courage to show this side of us. 

Your discomfort may feel all-encompassing, and you may start to believe that there is absolutely nowhere where you belong. But I’m here to tell you that circumstances change. You will not feel like this forever. The life you’re living at this moment can be re-imagined and re-worked into something that looks completely different. It may not happen overnight, but it can happen.

I know. I’ve re-made my life a few times over.

There are a lot of reasons why we feel discomfort, or why it seems like we don’t belong anywhere. Sometimes the people in our lives are sending us that message. Sometimes they’re telling us, “You’re no good,” or “You’re weird,” or “I just don’t understand you.” These messages can hurt, and they can make us feel like we don’t have a place in the world. If you’re getting those messages from people around you, you have to recognize that their judgements are always — always — a reflection of their own fears and insecurities. They seek to make others feel small because they feel small.

But it may be more general than that. We might feel like we don’t belong because we’re living in a house, a neighborhood, a city or a state that are a little (or a lot) out of step with who we are. As gay people, there are some parts of this world that work really hard to make us feel like we don’t belong. (The truth is that we have every right to belong in those places, regardless of what they think.) Thankfully, there are a lot of places in this world that are working just as hard to make us feel welcome.

During the times in my life when I felt the least comfortable — both in my surroundings and in my own skin — I took to writing as a way of helping me get through it. I bought a cheap journal (the cheap ones always worked better for me, because I didn’t care as much they got all busted up), and I wrote. If I felt lousy, I wrote about what that felt like. If I felt better than lousy, I wrote about that. Sometimes I’d discover while writing that I was actually feeling pretty decent, sometimes even good. The writing became a way for me to get a hold of the one thing that nobody else could touch: my own consciousness.

To me, consciousness is my mind, my heart, and the sum total of what is feels like to be in this body. It’s all of it wrapped up together. It’s me. It’s the me that makes me, me.

And the cool thing is, there’s a you that makes you, you.

That you has a place in the world. I can’t tell you where that place is. Nobody can. But you can start imaging what that place looks like. You can write about it, sing about it, craft poems or stories about it. You can use the power of your imagination to start envisioning what kind of life you’d like to be living.

Then, using that same courage you demonstrated above, you can ask yourself the question: What should I do to get myself there?

 I’m willing to bet that this new you — the writer-you — will be able to answer that question.

So keep using your voice. Keep being a courageous person, bold enough to ask questions about the things you don’t understand, and trust that through the development of your own voice you will carve out a place for yourself in the world.

And when you do, write me about it.

83 notes

“A lot of people mistake me for a guy because I’m into androgynous clothes and have Sara Quin-style hair. What are some funny, or at least not awkward ways to tell people that I’m actually a girl? Thanks so much!”

- Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by JD Samson of MEN and Le Tigre

—

I can totally sympathize with you. Part of the issue is that most of our society is taught that women and men perform their gender in a very specific cookie cutter way, and that there is little room for evolution, or little room for a more fluid approach to gender performance. Its hard to comprehend that you are blowing someone’s mind with what you wear or how you walk, or that you would even need to explain yourself for being you. Just remember the most important thing is that you feel comfortable and safe in your own body, and that you express your gender however you want to. After that, its just a matter of your own personality.

Some androgynous women tend to use humor to help define themselves as women when they are mistaken as a man. Some come at it with aggressive political comments. And some are just silent and let people get it wrong to not create a scene. There is no right answer, you and your identity are only yours to defend. I have had friends that lift up their shirt to show their boobs, or when they are told they are in the wrong restroom they say “I can read”. Some people even start a discussion about the fluidity of gender, or that no one HAS to subscribe to the conservative concept of the gender binary. I have taken to telling the TSA before I go into the x-ray machine that I’m a woman, because often times they mess up the computer by choosing “male” and then seeing my bound chest in the picture.

There are soo many ways to do it, but my advice is to look inside yourself and say exactly what makes you feel safe and comfortable at the time. Good luck!

124 notes

Dear friend,

I’m writing to tell you, among other things, that I am super gay. This may or may not come as a surprise to you. If it does: Surprise! If it does not: You were right all along! Either way: Hooray!

I didn’t want to come out. I don’t want coming out to be a thing that anyone has to do.

A short list of things I’d rather be doing than “thinking about being gay” includes (but is not limited to) writing a song, reading a book, climbing a tree, dancing a jig, and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer for the zillionth time. Don’t get me wrong - I think it is in the best interest of everyone to strive for a greater understanding of the self. I just wish that being gay (or transgender, or asexual, or fill-in-the-blank here) was as unremarkable to the masses as being left-handed or blonde.

In a perfect world, nobody would have to experience any of the negative side-effects of figuring out that you’re gay, which can include feeling confused, shameful, afraid, lost, or alone. In a perfect world, everyone could just like who they like, and get on with it.

Spoiler alert: We do not live in a perfect world.

I began to realize that I was interested in girls in junior high. At first, it made me uncomfortable. I grew up in a fairly rural, conservative town. I knew exactly one kid who was out at school, and he was harassed on a daily basis. I had always sort of liked feeling different from most of the kids at school – you know, poetry over football and whatnot. But I didn’t want to be THAT different. 

My feelings were further complicated by my religious upbringing. My family attended a born-again style church which taught (as many churches do) that homosexuality is a sin. The price of that sin, should you find yourself unable to turn away from it, was to burn in a pit of fiery torment for all eternity. I was an impressionable kid, and hell was advertised to me as very real - and very likely, if I didn’t watch my step. I internalized these ideas as a child and as I grew, they grew with me.

But other growth was happening simultaneously. Over time I got more comfortable with myself, lost a few friends, and made some new ones.When I began my journey as a musician, I decided that I didn’t want to publicly address my sexuality. I didn’t think it was a big deal, or relevant to my job in any way. I also worried that the first word people would associate with me was going to be “gay” instead of “musician.” I didn’t want a non-musical part of myself overshadowing the musical part. Plus I figured it wasn’t anybody’s business.

I still maintain that it is not anybody’s business. I don’t think anyone should have to feel an obligation to come out. I don’t think that outing people is cool. I think every person has the right to privacy, and should be able to share themselves with their friends, their family, and the world at their own pace, in their own time. However, I’ve come to realize in recent months that a big part of my desire to hide this aspect of myself was rooted in those dusty old feelings: that there is something wrong, something bad, something less-than about being gay.

It brings me no pleasure to admit to you that I have felt these feelings. I want to appear strong, because I feel strong now. But at the same time I know it is important - perhaps even the whole point of writing this thing - to make myself vulnerable. Because I know that there are human beings out in the world who understand these feelings but cannot give them a name. I want to tell you that it’s okay to feel messed up. Feeling messed up is a part of life, but it is not the only part. And the only way out of that feeling is through.

This summer I am going to marry my fiancé. Her name is Kristin Russo and she is one half of the team behind EveryoneIsGay.com. Having a firsthand view of the work that she and Dannielle do has been inspiring, and has also made me think more critically about my decision. What kind of a message does it send to a teenager when I avoid a question about my sexuality? Whatever the answer, I’m confident that it is no longer a message I am comfortable sending.

I think it is damaging and isolating for young people to look out into the world and not see a representation of their experience. To encounter others who are like you is to know that you are not alone. Even if you never meet them in real life, these representatives help to contextualize you – they are proof that you are part of something.

You are not an anomaly. You are not a mistake.

I am thankful that in recent years, it has become a bit more common for people from all walks of life to step forward and identify themselves as human beings who also happen to be gay. I am proud to offer my voice to that expanding chorus.

Love,

Jenny

 

Filed under coming out musician Buffy conservative religion internalized homophobia engagement representation comfort LGBTQ advice

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