-Question submitted by Anonymous
-Question submitted by Anonymous
We get this question all the time, so we wanted to revisit because (1) helping people (2) FISK. LOLOLOOL.
Anywayzzzz. I was 100% head over heels, ready to lay in front of a bus for, could have been married that second, spend your life together, in LOVE with my straight best friend in college. What did I do? I asked her to date me almost every day. She said no almost every day. This story does not end in ‘turns out she was gay and we are in love now” at all. In fact, it was a helluva journey.
I didn’t tell her for a while that I was into her because I was afraid it would make things weird or uncomfortable or she would think I was an idiot or whatever. I just couldn’t do it. BUT Y’ALL. It was already weird and uncomfortable because I FELT WEIRD AND UNCOMFORTABLE. Once I finally told her and she was like ‘I’m not gay, tho’ things were a lot easier. I still totally wanted to date her, but I could make jokes about it, talk to my friends about my feelings, and I wasn’t obsessing over it in my head.
When I was obsessing over everything in my head, nothing made sense. I was convinced that when she said, “ooh i love this song” what she meant was “this love song represents how I feel for you.” Spoiler: SHE JUST ACTUALLY LIKED A SONG, THAT’S IT.
Also, what happens if she has feelings for you, too? If you don’t say something, you will NEVER KNOW. You will CONSTANTLY wonder. You will literally be thinking ‘what if’ for the rest of your life. And trust me, that shit will ruin you. I think you should totally say something.
Yes, there are two main things to remember when you are in love with your straight best friend. Since almost all of you are, have been, or will be in love with your best friend, pay attention:
1 - Things will, almost always, be weirder in the long run if you aren’t honest about your feelings. Bottled up love-feelings make you act in ridiculously strange ways, make you feel more and more distant from your friendship, and just turn your brain-head into general, all-around mush.
When I was in college, and in love with my straight best friend, I didn’t tell her for years. For YEARS I would think about what it meant when she’d ask me to come watch Felicity, I would be filled with enormous amounts of hope when I was asked to sleep over, and I would go out of my way to be present at any party that she attended (“what if THIS IS MY NIGHT?!”). Eventually, after my love-feelings were gone and I was in a long-term relationship with another lady, I told her about my past feelings. Her response? “Yeah, I knew all along. There was one night where I almost did roll over and make out with you.”
SHE KNEW ALL ALONG.
WE’D ALMOST MADE OUT ONE TIME.
LIFE, YOU GUYS.
2 - It will be okay if you have feelings and hers are not the same.
You don’t have to pull a Dannielle and ask her to date you everyday (tho, you can and it works pretty well if you’re of a similar personality type). You can explain that you have some feelings and that you know she isn’t into ladies, but that because you value your relationship so very much… you just had to be honest so you could work through things.
Sure, if she says “I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU TO SAY SOMETHING,” and then romantic music swells in the background, and you kiss and flowers spring up all around you while a choir of angels descend… that would be wonderful.
If, however, she seems a little weird, or things feel a little wobbly, that is okay. If your heart feels like breaking into bits and you believe you’ll never love anyone like you love her: your heart will mend, and you will love other people. I can promise you that from over here on the other side. Be patient with your own feelings and remember that even if things are weird for a bit — a friendship, like any relationship, goes through ups and downs!
Your friendship will carry you through if things get a little wonky, and there’s a good chance that being honest will help you move through the feelings in a much healthier way.
Plus, WHO KNOWS YOU GUYS MAYBE YOU’LL EVEN MAKE OUT OR WHATEVER.
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think you just put yourself out there. I don’t know what’s up in your family or if you even talk about stuff like this, but if your grandfather is getting only negatives from the rest of the fam I can almost guarantee your positive vibes will be welcome.
If you’re nervous and you don’t know what actual words to say, maybe use an example. Perhaps one of your aunts asked your grandfather not to come to a family gathering because of his “lifestyle,” bring that up. You can LITERALLY SAY “Hey grandad, I just wanted to let you know I thought it sucked that AUNT CALCULATOR wouldn’t let you come to PIZZA NIGHT, I thought it was super unfair.”
That way, you’re pointing out an incident but not saying ‘HI I KNOW THAT YOU ARE GAY’ because that might be difficult for you to say without feeling uncomfortable.
Again, everyone’s situation is different, but the one thing I want you to take away is how amazing it will feel when your grandfather knows that he has you on his side. That feeling is something incredible. That support is incredible. You are incredible.
Agree, agree, agree. Goddammit. Your grandfather is going to be so happy that someone in his family is loving and supportive of him, no matter how you express it - and regardless of how you may have come to “know.”
I also want to say this: There have been some people in my life who, when I first came out, wanted to show their support but couldn’t say the exact words that they meant. In the months after my extended family knew (and many of them were NOT pleased), I had certain relatives who would shakily pull me aside at family functions. They didn’t know the words to say and felt intimidated or confused, but they’d give me a hug, tell me they loved me, that they would always love me, and that if I ever needed anything to just say the word.
Those family members didn’t need to explain that what they meant was that they supported me and that they loved me as a gay person. It was so present in my mind during that time, because of all the lack of support, fear, and anger I was facing. The simplest motion of love spoke so, so many words.
If you feel brave enough on the first pass to call out a specific incident, or to say ‘Grandpa, no matter who you love or how you love them, I will always love you,’ then do it. There is only love in those actions, and it sounds like your grandfather needs all the love he can get. If, however, your words fail you and you don’t say exactly what you mean… know that he still knows exactly what you mean.
Stand by him just by standing by him, by loving him fiercely, and by being his granddaughter.
You are a true light.
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Hey guys I submitted this question… I mean, I didn’t, bUT I MAY AS WELL HAVE OR WHATEVER.
The fact that you are in a whole/healed place right now is so huge. Because you have reached a place where you understand yourself, you 100% have the ability to share yourself with another human.
Will it take time? GOD YES. Will it take practice? FOR DAMN SURE. Will it be hard as fuck? YA.
This won’t be easy, you’re in a situation where you’re like ‘bUT ALL OF THESE THINGS’ and you feel weird talking about them because it all seems so dramatic and like such a burden to place on another person, but that is not the case. We have all been through some dramatic shit. It’s took me LITERALLY 15 years to get up the courage to openly talk about my alcoholic mother. One step at a time, you guys. You don’t have to spill all your guts in one sitting and you don’t have to tell every single person every single thing. Talk to your friends about some stuff, talk to your luvR about some stuff, talk to your cousins about some stuff. Slowly but surely, one foot in front of the other, just try.
I just started reading Patti Smith’s Just Kids (finally, and dear god if you haven’t read it go do yourself a favor), and so I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships that we have with other people. The first bit of this book is an incredibly gorgeous account of two (unique, struggling, somewhat lost people) finding that their nuances, their struggles, their curiosity, fit together perfectly.
That relationship - just like all relationships - changes across time, of course… but the point is that we find people to connect with based on the things that make us, us. That includes the broken bits and pieces, it includes the habits and caveats and dips and bends and whistles and clanging bells.
Sure, if your past is troubling you in a way where you cannot connect to the person you love, you are going to have trouble, and you are going to need to work on those bits first… but it doesn’t sound like that is where you are at all. It sounds (to reiterate Dannielle) that you feel capable of loving and receiving love. That is all you need.
There are very many people out there who will be able (and very willing) to fall in love with you (all of you) - and part of the process of falling in love is peeling away those layers, learning the truths (dark and light!) about each other, and exploring how that affects and informs your love in different and ever-changing ways.