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  • parentsproject:

    Lauren Lubin, creator of the movement We Exist, sits down with Kristin Russo (co-founder of The Parents Project) to explain the term "gender binary."

    In one of our first videos for parents, Kristin sits down with WeExist founder, Lauren Lubin, to define & discuss the gender binary!

  • The Parents Project on "Telling Others"

    parentsproject:

    Question submitted by Anonymous & Answered by Dannielle & Kristin, Co-founders of The Parents Project

    "When I came out to my parents, my mom wasn’t ready right away to tell the rest of my family. I wasn’t in a place where I felt I needed them to know immediately anyway, and I also didn’t…

    The Parents Project launched last Friday! Here is our advice to parents on the tricky subject of telling other people about their kid’s sexuality.

    Follow The Parents Project on Tumblr | Facebook | Twitter | YouTube!!

    www.theparentsproject.com

  • Four years ago today, we answered our very first advice question: “How do I know if my dog is gay?”

Happy Anniversary, Everyone Is Gay!!!!! View high resolution

    Four years ago today, we answered our very first advice question: “How do I know if my dog is gay?”

    Happy Anniversary, Everyone Is Gay!!!!!

  • "I’m in my second year of college and I identify as asexual. It seems like every time someone finds out and starts asking questions, they end up insisting that I just need to try it, or find the right person, or build up some confidence. It feels like I can never just say "No," and it makes me really anxious about the possibility of finding myself in a more dangerous situation. How can I respond to this?"

    - Question submitted by Anonymous and answered by Kara Kratcha as a part of Everyone Is Gay: Second Opinions

    Kara Says:

    Dear inquirer,

    I do think that you do need to build up your confidence, but not in the way these horribly nosey people (herein referred to as GIHs—Google Impaired Humans—because they should be learning about the basics of asexuality themselves before they start asking you invasive questions) mean. The line of thinking here seems to be that your confidence should come from a comfort with your (a)sexuality*, and a comfort with your (a)sexuality means that you have found a way of having sex that makes you happy and actively pursue that happy-making sex act. I do think that it’s important to feel an ease with your (a)sexuality in order to feel confident, but I’m not on board with the wide spread assumption that feeling at ease in your (a)sexuality means having sex and letting everyone know about it.

    I mean come on, this should be obvious: for an asexual person, exhibiting confidence about your (a)sexuality often doesn’t mean letting everyone know about all of the great sex you’re having because—by definition—you don’t experience sexual attraction. That’s the whole point. Thinking that expressing ace sexuality with confidence necessarily involves having sex is absurd, and it shows (along with the GIHs’ insistence that you just need to experiment or find the right person to have sex with) that these people aren’t listening to you when and if you try to educate them (since they have clearly demonstrated that they cannot educate themselves via www.google.com). Dismiss them. You don’t owe them an explanation. Disengage from these conversations and physically walk away if you need to.

    Of course, ignoring the overwhelming cultural narrative that everyone wants sex is more difficult than shutting down individual conversations. Sometimes it’s impossible to do even that. I won’t lie to you and say that your “no” will always be honored. The unfortunate reality is that we live with rape culture, which says that a woman’s “no” means “maybe” or “try harder” and that a man wants sex so much that he can’t help but take it by force. Both of these ideas feed into compulsory sexuality, that overwhelming cultural narrative of “everyone wants the sex” again. I think that your fear that you can never just say no is completely grounded in these toxic narratives.

    You’ve asked me how to respond. I can’t tell you how to avoid being raped (which is how I read your “more dangerous situation”) because rape is always the rapist’s fault and never the victim’s, but I can tell you how I have learned to express my (a)sexuality with confidence.** After my first year of college, I resolved to not do things I don’t want to do. Before I made the active decision to say no, my default answer to just about everything then was “yes,” regardless of how I actually felt. Will you edit my research paper? Yes. Want to go to this sketchy party with me? Yes. Can I have your phone number? Yes. Yes. Yes.

    When I first made this resolution, I was in a long distance relationship. The hundreds of miles between me and my partner did a pretty good job of preventing genital bumping most of the time, so saying no wasn’t even explicitly connected to sexual activity for me. But the thing is, my mindless “yes” to everything was so insidious that saying “no” to the most innocuous requests felt impossible. That I felt unable to say “no” made my “yes” completely meaningless. I didn’t feel like I had a choice, and that disempowerment extended to my ability to say yes or no to sex. I didn’t feel confident in my (a)sexuality because I didn’t feel like I had control over myself.

    So I changed my default answer to “no.” I said no to bad papers and weird parties and unwanted come-ons. I said no whenever I could. I said no over and over until it became automatic. I said no until saying yes took some serious thought, until I had to abide by my actual desires and not the desires I thought I should have. I said no until it was the answer the people around me expected to hear.

    I write that in the past tense, but the truth is that learning to say no is an ongoing process, and it’s still really hard for me. Making people hear “no” takes so much more work than making people hear “yes,” and constantly fighting for your no is exhausting. Saying no takes a lot of confidence and a lot of practice. So here’s what I think you should do: practice saying no everywhere you can. Say no like you think the Google Impaired Humans are really listening to you, even if you know they aren’t. Say no right now, just for fun. Say no to ensure that when you say yes—be it to sex or something other people call sex or a favor for a friend or a big piece of cake—your yes will mean yes.

    Then, when some GIH tries to tell you how to “fix” your (a)sexuality, tell them that you are perfectly confident that you do not experience sexual desire, thank you very much. Exude confidence. Radiate ease. And if the GIH fails to listen to you, offer to teach them how search engines work and flounce away with your fabulous asexual self.

    Much love,

    Kara

    *A note about words: I will be using “asexual” to mean “the sexual orientation of a person who does not experience sexual attraction” and “ace” to mean “any orientation on the asexual spectrum.” I am addressing a person who identifies as asexual, but I think this advice applies to pretty much all aces (and probably everyone) with only a little modification.

    **That said, I can give you resources for asexual survivors of sexual assault, which you can find here.

    ***

    Kara Kratcha studies English literature at a university in New York City. She tells everyone that she wants to go into publishing, but really she’s always wanted to be an advice columnist. (Kara would like to thank Everyone Is Gay for making her dream come true.) If she had to pick a label, she would probably go with “genderfluid polyamorous demiromantic grey-ace,” but usually she just kind of shrugs. Right now (like, probably literally right now) Kara is working on her senior thesis on representations of asexuality and asexual relationships in Sherlock fanfiction.

    Click through to read more about our other Second Opinions panelists!

  • "How do you trust anyone enough to be in a relationship again after you committed fully to one person and they said they committed fully to you for the rest of their life and then they decide one day that it is over without any notice? How do you ever give someone your heart again after that?"

    - Question submitted by Anonymous

    Dannielle Says: 

    I think for a long time you just DONT, and you recognize that you don’t, and you try to actively work through it. Give yourself time because TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS and allowing yourself that time will help a lot. 

    We get in our heads about this stuff, we sit there and say ‘you need to get it together and jump all in and stop being a pansy’ …and it almost always just makes things worse. Because you’re not really jumping all in - you’re fake jumping all in where you say you are jumping all in but you’re not actually jumping all in and then you’re mad at yourself for not jumping all in and your new relationship isn’t growing or really doing anything because you’re so focused on the jumping all in thing. 

    Take it slow and be honest. When you start seeing someone just say ‘hey, I’m still getting over being burned so I might take things a little slow, but that doesn’t mean I’m not into you, it just means I need some time.” Any human who has lived a life will understand what that feels like and hopefully will not take it personally.

    It’ll take time, and it’ll be hard, but you can do it. When you notice yourself holding back, try to actively put yourself out there. You know that quote “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”? It’s totally true. You got the chance to experience a great love, a love many people may never experience. That is a good thing. You’re hurt, you feel knocked down, you feel incapable of trust and that makes sense. But do remember that it was worth it. That love was completely worth it. And allowing yourself to give in to another love is an incredible thing. 

    Kristin Says:

    This is one of the absolute hardest parts of falling in love. 

    In general, falling in love means that you are taking something that is most precious to you (your heart and your most vulnerable pieces) and sharing them with someone else for care and compassion. The idea is that this person will share their heart with you as well, and you will grow together in a space that is rooted in trust.

    When we fall from that place of trust it hurts more than nearly anything else that we can experience… and it’s hard to imagine how we can ever trust another with those same pieces. I totally, completely understand how you are feeling — and even without someone having broken your trust, it’s flipping TERRIFYING to fall in love and have a relationship because, if we are being honest, we can never predict the future, and we can never know how our paths will entwine with someone else’s.

    But… like Dannielle said, that is all part and parcel of falling in love. You have some broken pieces right now, and that is okay. You are going to be able to take one shaky step forward and then probably fall three paces back. 

    Honesty is the only way of moving forward, and that means honesty with yourself and with others. Maybe in the past you’ve been able to let go completely as soon as you start to fall for someone, and now you can’t find that place so easily… that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you can’t find that place EVER, it just means that you have to take a different route. Think of your heart as a Siri map where she’s offering you a 1 hour and 12 minute route and an alternate 1 hour and 47 minute route. Your 1 hour 12 minute route isn’t accessible right now — but I promise you that 1 hour and 47 minute route will get you to your destination.

    Own up to those feelings of fear. Share them with the people you meet. Move forward slower than you have in the past. Forgive yourself when you stumble, and be honest about those stumblings with whomever you are trying to move forward with. 

    Broken hearts are the worst. However, the things we find in between those broken hearts are often the things that help shape us into being the best versions of ourselves — and that risk of love is what makes love so very powerful.

    One step at a time.

  • EVERYONE IS GAY presents:
    INDIEGOGO DONOR INTERVIEW #1: DAULTON SCOTT


    Tumblr: actionoriented.tumblr.com
    Twitter: @A_Oriented
    Tell us something that changed your life for the better…
    Going to York University in Toronto. I went into university with high expectations, and York University has met all of them. I’m double majoring in Social Science and Sexuality Studies, the program of my dreams, I’ve been on student council, went to leadership retreats, been to several great events, met tons of amazing people, and I just got elected onto the student union. And the best part is that it’s only just begun! As I finish up my second year, I look forward to the many opportunities, challenges and rewards that lay before me. I feel so blessed to go to such an amazing institution. York University has completely changed my life for the better!
    If you could go back in time, what would you tell your child self?
    Be humble but hungry. Don’t wait for good things to come to you. Don’t wait to be inspired by some great event or divine force. Push yourself to the limit and fight for what you want. Never forget to be grateful for what you have in your life. Cherish every moment, both big and small. Learn from your mistakes and revel in your success. Don’t be afraid to speak up. Don’t be afraid to be yourself. Believe in yourself, for you are a marvel.
    What superpower most represents you?
    The power to heal. I consider myself a caregiver; people are my top priority and I will take the time to listen to my friends when they need it most, whether they need advice or a shoulder to lean on. I’m passionate about giving back to my community and standing up for what’s right. Everything I do, I do it with love in my heart and a smile on my face. I’ll do anything to help the lives of others, even if it only helps them a little bit. Heal the heart, heal the people, heal the world!
    What was your last dream about?
    My last dream was about Ellen DeGeneres being my mom. I got to hang out on her talk show and crack jokes with all her guests and we had a gay old time. Needless to say waking up and realizing Ellen was, in fact, not my mother was a rather depressing experience.
    Thank you, Daulton, for helping support our work!! XOXO
    **One of the perks for donating to our recent fundraiser for the launch of The Parents Project was to be interviewed and featured on our site ALSO AS A CAT. We will be posting these interviews on various Saturdays for you all to enjoy!!**

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