"How do you trust anyone enough to be in a relationship again after you committed fully to one person and they said they committed fully to you for the rest of their life and then they decide one day that it is over without any notice? How do you ever give someone your heart again after that?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think for a long time you just DONT, and you recognize that you don’t, and you try to actively work through it. Give yourself time because TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS and allowing yourself that time will help a lot.
We get in our heads about this stuff, we sit there and say ‘you need to get it together and jump all in and stop being a pansy’ …and it almost always just makes things worse. Because you’re not really jumping all in - you’re fake jumping all in where you say you are jumping all in but you’re not actually jumping all in and then you’re mad at yourself for not jumping all in and your new relationship isn’t growing or really doing anything because you’re so focused on the jumping all in thing.
Take it slow and be honest. When you start seeing someone just say ‘hey, I’m still getting over being burned so I might take things a little slow, but that doesn’t mean I’m not into you, it just means I need some time.” Any human who has lived a life will understand what that feels like and hopefully will not take it personally.
It’ll take time, and it’ll be hard, but you can do it. When you notice yourself holding back, try to actively put yourself out there. You know that quote “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”? It’s totally true. You got the chance to experience a great love, a love many people may never experience. That is a good thing. You’re hurt, you feel knocked down, you feel incapable of trust and that makes sense. But do remember that it was worth it. That love was completely worth it. And allowing yourself to give in to another love is an incredible thing.
This is one of the absolute hardest parts of falling in love.
In general, falling in love means that you are taking something that is most precious to you (your heart and your most vulnerable pieces) and sharing them with someone else for care and compassion. The idea is that this person will share their heart with you as well, and you will grow together in a space that is rooted in trust.
When we fall from that place of trust it hurts more than nearly anything else that we can experience… and it’s hard to imagine how we can ever trust another with those same pieces. I totally, completely understand how you are feeling — and even without someone having broken your trust, it’s flipping TERRIFYING to fall in love and have a relationship because, if we are being honest, we can never predict the future, and we can never know how our paths will entwine with someone else’s.
But… like Dannielle said, that is all part and parcel of falling in love. You have some broken pieces right now, and that is okay. You are going to be able to take one shaky step forward and then probably fall three paces back.
Honesty is the only way of moving forward, and that means honesty with yourself and with others. Maybe in the past you’ve been able to let go completely as soon as you start to fall for someone, and now you can’t find that place so easily… that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you can’t find that place EVER, it just means that you have to take a different route. Think of your heart as a Siri map where she’s offering you a 1 hour and 12 minute route and an alternate 1 hour and 47 minute route. Your 1 hour 12 minute route isn’t accessible right now — but I promise you that 1 hour and 47 minute route will get you to your destination.
Own up to those feelings of fear. Share them with the people you meet. Move forward slower than you have in the past. Forgive yourself when you stumble, and be honest about those stumblings with whomever you are trying to move forward with.
Broken hearts are the worst. However, the things we find in between those broken hearts are often the things that help shape us into being the best versions of ourselves — and that risk of love is what makes love so very powerful.
"I WAS ON THE EVERYONEISGAY WEBSITE AND ONE OF THOSE ADDS OF AN UNDERWEAR MODEL WEARING "EVERYONE IG GAY" UNDERWEAR WAS AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN AND MY SISTER WALKED IN THE ROOM AND LOOKED AT THE SCREEN AND THEN AT ME AND THEN SLOWLY BACKED OUT WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING. *internal screaming*"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I HAVE AN IDEA. BLAME IT ON YOUR DOG. oh or
Go into her room and say “Heeyyyyy DAHLIAH (probably her name), I saw you were on everyoneisgay.com… is there anything you wanna tell me? Because I want you to know that I love and respect and support you always and forever” and when she’s super confused just say “Talk to me when you’re ready” and walk out.
The solution to this problem is OBVIOUSLY to buy her a pair of the underwear and wrap it in paper that says “LOL” all over it.
Sidebar: I looked on the internet and cannot find any wrapping paper that laughs out loud in any form, so someone should get on that.
"I can't stand my sister's girlfriend! While I consider myself liberal, this new girl is extremely liberal to the point where she is really judgmental of people who don't agree with her beliefs. She has said some pretty rude things to some of my friends and family, and I feel as though she judged for things like wanting to be a housewife someday. I want to be supportive because I know her girlfriend is making my sister happy, but her arrogance is really annoying and off putting. Any advice?"
This is the WORST. Regardless of what someone’s point of view is, when they’re judgmental and rude to people who don’t agree with them… it’s not cool. It also makes everyone else look super bad.
It’s frustrating because if she were kind and having conversations, she might actually change minds. INSTEAD she’s trying to make people feel bad for having their own opinion, which in turn makes them think “oh COOL, SO I GUESS I’LL KEEP MY OPINIONS AND NOT DIALOGUE ABOUT THEM BECAUSE I’LL JUST GET YELLED AT BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN’T AGREE”
Fighting fire with fire, you guys. It never works. If I were you, I would talk to my sister and be real with her. I’d say “I’m really glad that you’re happy and I love you and support you, however, I do feel like your girl is isolating members of our family by making them feel crappy for not agreeing with her POV, so that’s a little hard for me.” If I were someone else with more guts, I would talk to the GF and say “heyyy, I 100% respect that we have differing opinions, but the way that you handle it is making me NEVER want to hear you out. Aaaaand I actually think it’d be kind of cool to know why you think certain things, so if you’re down to have a respectful conversation, let’s do that.”
It isn’t fair for her to be judging your family and telling them they’re wrong for their opinions. A constructive conversation is one thing, judging someone for thinking differently is just not cool.
I agree one hundred gabillion percent. Being liberal doesn’t mean not hearing other people’s experiences, and I can tell you that NOTHING makes me more furious than a person who cannot hear the thoughts and varying opinions of other human beings.
Newsflash: Making someone feel shitty about wanting to be a housewife is JUST AS SHITTY as telling a woman she has to be a housewife. Both scenarios say that as a woman you do not have a choice. Both scenarios create a rigid structure of expectation for a ‘woman’ to fulfill. What your sister’s girlfriend is doing is not “liberal”… it is close-minded, and just as ignorant and bigoted as the actions taken by people who cast homophophia, transphobia, and misogyny our way.
Now, of course, you probably don’t want to go slinging all of those angry words at someone who means a lot to your sister… but I needed you to know how fucking WRONG that shit is, to at least help you to feel better about your own related emotions.
I agree with Dannielle and I think you should speak with your sister before doing anything else. Go in knowing that you are being open-minded and fair, and that every human being has the right to have their own opinions and desires without being made to feel shitty. Explain to your sister that you’ve been feeling a little uncomfortable and tell her why. If she seems up in arms, remind her that you aren’t suggesting anyone else follow the path you are following in life, but that you think that everyone in your family should have a right to their own opinions, desires, and thoughts.
As her if there is a way to broach the situation with sensitivity, and explain that you also do not want to make her girlfriend feel out of place or upset. The calmer and more level-headed you can be about the whole thing, the more likely it will be that you and your sister can figure out the best way to make everyone comfortable.
If your sister has a hard time hearing you — remember that your wants are not misplaced or wrong at all, and that it just may be difficult for her to navigate between two people she loves. Hopefully, even if you have a rocky start, you will be able to work to a place of mutual respect. At the end of the day, that is all you are after… and it is much-deserved.
Today is National Day of Silence. For those that do not know, Day of Silence is an event where the purpose is to make schools safer for students no matter their sexual orientation or gender identity. It is to bring attention to anti-LGBT name calling, bullying, and harassment.
This will be my 6th year participating in Day of Silence, and although I cannot be completely silent today, I will be silent when I can and no excess talking.
I personally was silent for 4 years of my life about being bi-sexual. And since coming out, I have felt better about myself, and only had a few instances of name calling and bullying. I was scared to come out earlier in life because I did not know how people would react and I was afraid of being harassed. That is a problem students, youth, and adults everywhere are still facing.
By participating in Day of Silence, you are showing that you are an ally for those who are afraid to come out, that you will not harass them, and that you will stand by their side.
So please, take a moment, and think to yourself, What are you going to do to end the silence?
Today Everyone Is Gay is recognizing the National Day of Silence alongside all of you who choose to participate.
"I certainly don’t feel like I ‘chose’ to fall in love. I did, however, choose to be honest about my feelings. I did choose to work very hard and get to a place where I felt comfortable in my own skin. I…
Only 10 days until the launch of The Parents Project! Here is today’s advice, which addresses the question of whether or not being gay is a “choice.”
"If I met someone at a party and talked to them for just a little bit and asked for their number is it ok to ask them to hang out even though I really don't know them?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I’m just… but… you … you just said.. YOU SAID THEY GAVE YOU THEIR PHONE NUMBER. SO THEY ARE INTERESTED IN HANGING OUT WITH YOU, BE IT FRIEND OR OTHERWISE.
Y’all. I am 100% one of these people, so no judgement. HOWEVER, why do we all meet people, want to hang, and never do anything about it? WHYYYYYYY. For me, I know it’s bc I’m hella self-conscious and I assume everyone thinks I am weird or dumb and I’m all “if they wanted to hang out with me they would ask.” Maybe that’s not where you’re at, but recently I’ve decided that if I think that thing, I’m wrong. USUALLY everyone is thinking that thing. You’re in your room staring at your phone and the human who gave you their number is like “I guess they asked for my number to be nice???”
Who does that? Who would ever ask for someone’s phone number just TO BE NICE. Once I met this girl who I thought was cool and I was like ‘we should hang out’ and she was like ‘ok i’ll give you my email’ and in my head, I was like “EMAIL, YOU’LL GIVE ME YOUR EMAIL?!?!” So, of course, I didn’t think she wanted to hang out, but whatever I emailed her and we immediately went to brunch like three days later and spent HOURS just talking about life and now we’re totally friends.
I don’t know why we all assume no one likes us. I really don’t, but I vote we all say “fuck it.” If you want to hang out with someone, just ask. Worst case scenario, they blow you off and (1) cool, you don’t want a flake friend anyway PLUS (2) you are literally just in the same position you’re in right now, you will still have the friends who love you and think you are the best.
Someone gave you their number. People give other people things that they expect them to use. This person gave you THEIR NUMBER. USE IT AND DATE THEM, YES.
Here’s what you can do:
Send them a text that says, “Hey this is [YOURNAME] — we met at [THATPARTY] and you gave me your number. I figured it would make sense for me to use it, and now you have my number. Doooo you want to hang out sometime?”
They will respond: “I’d love to. Also, funniest thing… I just read this text message on Everyone Is Gay. Did you write to them about me?!”
You will turn purple, and it will be the best first-date joke in existence and you can invite us to your wedding.
"Hello. How do i tell my friend and her boyfriend to tone down their public display of affection without sounding jealous, bitter, and alone in life?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
If it were me, I would 100% make a joke that made me sound MORE BITTER AND ALONE 4EVR.
I would say, “Hey, DemiLovato, since I’m going to be alone forever and no one loves me (FACT YOU ALREADY KNOW ABOUT ME) can you and DannielleOwensReid make out like 40% less. You don’t have to TOTALLY QUIT PECK KISSING ON THE LIPS OR HOLDING HANDS OR ANYTHING, but if you tone it down just a tad it will be a much more enjoyable experience for me and my future-spinster-life.”
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. If you make it jokey it won’t make it as weird…at least, that’s how I feel. I don’t know. None of my friends live that hardcore PDA life because it’s RUDE. oH I KNOW. Just read this post aloud to them and give them LOOKS at the parts of the answer that resonate most with you.
I actually wouldn’t go the joking route on this one… only because I feel like you run the risk of them either a) thinking you are ACTUALLY kidding or b) thinking you are being rude rather than trying to be ‘silly’. I think that sometimes when we try to joke about things but that actual, real emotion is behind the joke, it can come out sounding more serious than we would have wanted. That’s just me, though, only you know what you are capable of!
If you don’t want to take the joke-paved path, then I would suggest talking to your friend solo. My common method of talking about things that make me uncomfortable is to lessen the ‘YOU do this and it makes ME uncomfortable’ tone, and to heighten the ‘YOU aren’t doing anything wrong but bc of where I am at in my life I have these feelings’ tone. If this were me, I would ask my friend to get dinner or coffee or wine or whatever you guys DO, and when I felt most comfortable I would say something like the following:
"Hey, Keisha (your friend)… I don’t want to make this all serious, but somethings been weighing on me lately and I feel like the best thing to do is talk to you about my feels."
Then Keisha will probs be like, “OH GOD DID I DO SOMETHING WRONG” or “TELL ME WHAT IT IS” or whatever.
Then you say, “You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that lately I have been feeling a little lonely bc I don’t have anyone in my life, and I know you and Steve (Keisha’s boo) are super in love and stuff. I love that you are, and I really do think it’s great, but it’s just been hard for me to be so close to all the kissing and other love-things. You guys aren’t doing anything wrong, but I just thought maybe I should say something and see what you thought about my feelings.”
HOPEFULLY, Keisha will be understanding and sensitive, and you all will work out a balance. Be clear that you aren’t asking them to never act like boo-and-boofriend, you are just trying to signal that your heart hurts sometimes and so a little less might help you out.
Also for the record I don’t understand heavy acts of PDA, but that’s between you and me and everyone else reading this.
For my husband and I, the journey to becoming parents lasted eight years. We were in awe when our daughter was born! We named her “Cara” because it meant “beloved.” I entered parenthood with much joy, eager anticipation, and a fair amount of apprehension. My heart was full to overflowing at the…
The Parents Project will be going live on April 18th, and leading up to the launch we will be sharing our very first posts with you each Wednesday.
Today we are featuring Debbie’s story about her process in understanding her transgender son.
"Hi hello yes HELP! I have a delightful problem. I can't get out of bed with my girlfriend. I don't mean like SEX, I mean like she's warm and soft and and cuddly and smells good and I love her and I physically cannot remove myself from bed with her and it's taking a toll on my ability to get shit done. This isn't even a new relationship. We've been together for over a year, but we're still puppy dog nuts in love and I need to do my homework and get to class on time! HOW?! HELP ME!!"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
This is difficult, esp because I am a naturally cold human and when I snuggle with someone who is a naturally warm human i just DON’T WANT TO MOVE BECAUSE IT IS PERFECT AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD IS COLD AND NOT SOFT.
But, we have to get shit done so use cuddles as rewards. For every 10 math problems you get done, you can cuddle for 30 minutes. Or if you go out for dinner instead of eating bowls of cereal in bed, you get to make out behind a building. oR give yourself rules, like “no cuddling or touching between 4pm and 6pm.” You can hang out and give each other sexy looks, but NO TOUCHING and you MUST be doing something productive.
If you force yourself to not touch each other for periods of time, you’ll be so stoked when it’s touch:30 o’clock. TRUST ME.
First of all: “you get to make out behind a building” - Dannielle Owens-Reid
Second of all: I agree with MOST of this but I do think that if you give yourselves 2 hours where you can’t touch at all but you CAN hang out and give each other sexy looks… you are going to have a SERIOUS problem concentrating and probably just wind up tangled in each other’s limbs underneath your blankets. So, beware of that suggestions.
Third of all: my advice. Although a reward system is super fun, I also think that you can tackle this issue by simply making the decision to get your shit done. I know, I KNOWWWW that the bed feels good and her skin feels soft and you just want to drown in it for all the days because loooove and such, but you are slowly going to start to feel wobbly as you get more and more detached from your other responsibilities. You know?
This is really an issue of immediate satisfaction versus longterm satisfaction… and I think all of us go through that (and ESPECIALLY as we go from middle school to high school to college to being old). We all want what we want when want it… that’s just being human. You want to cuddle and you want to cuddle NOW. We get it. The thing is, though, life can’t always work within a system of immediate gratification, sooooo I’d advise you both to think about how mighty and powerful you will feel if you simply make the decision to get up out of bed and do the other tasks that need completing. Then, when you finish them, you will crawl into your bed knowing that not only do you have someone who loves you to limb-tangle with, but you also just helped each other complete your other responsibilities.
In my HUMBLE opinion, those cuddles are even better than the escapist, hide-from-the-other-shit cuddles.
BET YOU DIDN’T THINK I’D GET SO SERIOUS ABOUT CUDDLES.
"What are the best songs to listen to when you've dumped? Super sad or super happy?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
1. “I Don’t Wanna Love Somebody Else” - A Great Big World 2. “Half A Heart” - One Direction 3. “Stay” - Rihanna & Mikky Ekko 4. “Waiting Game” - Banks 5. “Maybe You’re Right” - Miley Cyrus 6. “Every Time” - Britney Spears 7. “I Don’t Wanna See You” - Camera Obscura 8. “Your Side of the Bed” - Little Big Town 9. “Dead Hearts” - Stars 10. “That Should Be Me” - Justin Bieber 11. “Don’t Forget” - Demi Lovato 12. “Doing it Wrong” - Drake 13. “All My Little Words” - The Magnetic Fields
1. “Cry” - Kelly Clarkson 2. “Don’t Speak” - No Doubt 3. “That’s What You Get” - Paramore 4. “The Next Girl” - The Black Keys 5. “Winter Song” - Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson 6. “Boats & Birds” - Gregory & The Hawk 7. “I Don’t Want to Get Over You” - The Magnetic Fields 8. “Fuck Was I” - Jenny Owen Youngs 9. “Forever for Her” - The White Stripes 10. “You Oughta Know” - Alanis Morisette 11. “Since U Been Gone” - Kelly Clarkson
(AKA: Kelly Clarkson bread wrapped around your sobs & screams sandwich.)
"My girlfriend's mom thinks that I'm the spawn of Satan for 'turning her daughter gay.' We're not allowed over at each other's houses, and my girlfriend frequently tells me all of the awful, hurtful things that her mom says about me. How do I help my girlfriend cope with her unaccepting mother, and how should we go about trying to gain her acceptance?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I think it’s important that the two of you are there for one another. It’s hard because you’re living with your parents and you have to respect their rules. Even when their rules come from an awful place and are totally unfair.
When you can see each other at group activities, school, after-school stuff, or talking on the phone or computer or whatever, be supportive —and it’s okay to let her know it hurts you, too.
I think our instinct is to be like ‘WELL I CAN’T FIX IT SO LETS TALK ABOUT FUNNY STUFF TO AVOID IT LOL’ which is great some of the time. I totally want to be distracted some of the time. BUT ALSO, if I tell you about things going on in my life, and you change the subject, I start to feel dumb and like you don’t care. I don’t think that’s what you’re doing, but I want to make sure you’re both considering one another.
Let your gf know that you’re there for her, and if you’re comfortable talking with your parents, do that. It’ll be nice for you to hear from another adult in your life that your gfs mom is in the wrong. It’s unfair and unkind and JUST NOT COOL. You may find some comfort in the fact that your family members do not agree with her.
I’m so sorry you two are dealing with this and I wish there were a way we could come to your house and fix everything.
I am going to tell you a story.
My first girlfriend (we’ll call her BEATRICE) and I got together when we were both living with our families. The first few months were bliss, because we weren’t out, and so we could have glorious sleepovers all the time and NO ONE THOUGHT A THING ABOUT IT. Then, disaster struck. Beatrice’s mother found a letter she had written to me about how much she loved me and (dear god, it was awful) how much she enjoyed *insert sexytime talk here*
CAN YOU IMAGINE?! IT WAS AWFUL, YOU GUYS.
Her mom freaked out, and - since it was also the first time she had heard anything about her daughter being anything-but-straight-and-perfect, she blamed it all on me… the intrusive nuisance who was turning her daughter into a GAY PERSON.
I was forbidden from their property. My parents found out, and she was forbidden from my house as well. We spent that summer in a minivan, driving around town to any hidden spot where we could be together, talk for hours, and understand the mechanics of doin’ it in the backseat. I cherish those memories, and I will never forget falling in love for the first time under such insane circumstances…
But, of course, it also hurt. It hurt to be blamed for something that seemed so incredibly beautiful, and that, of course, was incredibly mutual. It hurt to be told I wasn’t welcome. I knew I was a good, nice person… and to know that others thought I was bad, wrong, or anything except the complex, whole, kind person I was weighed on me heavily. It weighed on both of us.
We did what Dannielle has suggested you do: we were there for each other. We assured each other that we knew the truth, that we understood our love was real and wonderful, and we never wavered in that mutual support. We were our first priority - and you should be each others first priority as well.
Your girlfriend’s parents are confused. They are hurting. They are seeking to blame others for something that they do not understand, and do not want to understand. They are acting out carelessly… and someday they will realize that. For now, be as respectful as you can — even while knowing that they are acting out in hurtful ways. Your respect and kindness is the most powerful tool you have in the effort to slowly change their hearts.
Beatrice and I dated for two years, we broke up, and over the years she became my very best friend. I have remained a constant and consistent part of her life, and over time her parents healed enough to see who I really was. Not too long ago I was at dinner with her and her mom. Beatrice got up to go to the bathroom, and her mother reached across the table and held my hands in hers. She started to cry, and she told me how sorry she was for the way she had acted all those years ago. She told me how thankful she was that I was a part of Beatrice’s life, and that she knew what a kind a giving person I was. Of course, I had no issue forgiving her at all… I understood. She had been hurting, then. She had been careless. She had made a mistake.
Use those tools of respect and kindness as much as possible, and stay strong in the fact that your love is true, real, and good. There is a very good chance that, in the months or years to come, her parents will soften, and begin to understand the error of their ways. <3
"Hello. Did you ever feel like little life panics as you were growing up/a youngish adult? I'm not sure if I am mental or making some bad choices or what. It seems like your lives are really on point so I'd be interested to hear your thoughts! Thanks! <3"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Listen, Kristin and I are VERY GOOD ACTORS. I’m not going to say our lives AREN’T on point, but I am going to let you know we have mini life panics at least once per week.
My panics have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older, I think Kristin’s have gotten better? Based on the convos we’ve had?? I don’t know, some days I feel amazing and awesome and everything is beautiful and wonderful and great. Other days my anxiety is so high it’s ridiculous. I’m convinced I’m not good enough, I’m doing the wrong things, I’m on the wrong path, everything is going wrong, etc.
I think it’s normal to have freak outs every once in a while, but I think it’s important to remember SLASH easier to deal with when you know you’re not alone. We are all freaking TF out. This is, in part, due to the fact that we want to be happy. We want to do all the right things to have the life that we think will make us the most happy. So, when we’re in the middle of doing a bunch of things that don’t immediately make us happy, we flip out. Happiness takes time and effort and a lot of work. Things that will eventually make you REALLY EFFING HAPPY might not make you happy right away, and that’s okay.
I also think we live in a society that pushes us to strive for perfection. Which isn’t the worst thing in the world, until you realize the society’s version of perfection is not something you can actually strive for because it is completely unrealistic and narrow-minded. The magazines, movies, TV shows, twitters, they’re ALL WRONG. We shouldn’t be trying so hard to be the best version of something that doesn’t exist. We should be working to be the best version of ourselves.
The best version of me is NOTHING LIKE the cover of SELF magazine mixed with the spread in MAXIM shaken up in a bag with a book by DR. OZ. The best version of me is confident, comfortable, surrounded by people who support me, giving, caring, thoughtful, healthy, and constantly challenged by all of the ways I can be better at those things.
We panic because we’re all under pressure to be something we’re not. Try not to let that happen to you. Do not try to be something you’re not. Be exactly who you are, grow on your own and in the parts of you that make you feel best about yourself. If every choice you make in your life is out of love for yourself and those around you, you will not make a bad choice.
Yes, I also had life-panics growing up. Most times I had no idea WHY I was panicking or WHY I felt unsettled in my skin, I just knew I felt off and weird and scared and wobbly. Those were my teenage-style panics, and all I knew to do was open up my computer (which weighed like 40lbs… you guys, this was like 1994) and write. I would write stories, I would write my feelings, I would write letters, and sometimes I would feel better and most times I would just feel like WHAT AM I DOING WHO AM I WHAT THE HELLLLLLLLL. I didn’t know it at the time… but I was navigating.
You, too, are navigating. A lot of times, navigating makes us feel very panicky.
It is completely normal to feel out to sea, and I felt out to sea at that point in my life in many ways. I didn’t realize, at the time, that I was navigating, because I didn’t have a place in particular that I was trying to get to… but that’s just the thing about our crazy brains and bodies and hearts: sometimes they know they need to navigate somewhere before they even know where that place is.
You may be making some bad choices, sure. If you recognize that, you change course, and you redirect, and you forgive yourself. We all make bad choices sometimes… but often they lead us to see the good choices even more clearly.
When things feel at their worst — when you feel like you are panicking and you can’t explain it and you can’t find your way out — try to trust the inner workings of your heart/brain/body. Try to remind yourself that you are navigating somewhere, and that things will become more clear given time, patience, and perseverance.
Dannielle and I are just as unsure as anyone else, at times. We cry, we feel hopeless, we feel unsure. We temper that with seeking out hope, persisting through our fears, and remembering that it is okay to laugh in equal measure with our uncertainties.
"I sprained my ankle. :( Any ideas on how to pass time while I'm unable to walk?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
This is the perfect time to start watching Grey’s Anatomy from the beginning. Or some other show that people always talk about you’re like ‘that’s probably dumb, I have no interest in watching that’ but now… WHAT ELSE ARE YOU EVEN GOING TO DO?!
Also, great time to make your friends do stuff for you. “Oh, my ankle is sprained, can you bring me a milkshake?” or like “oh no, my ankle is sprained, can we watch 13 going on 30” YOUR FRIENDS WILL BASICALLY DO ANYTHING YOU SAY.
Also, reading, writing, discovering music, pretend you’re an elf and start keeping a fake elf blog. Learn how to roast your own coffee beans in a popcorn popper. Download DUOLINGO and pretend you can speak french. Learn to juggle. Have a laughing contest with your friend (see who can fake laugh the loudest / grossest). Eat Doritos. Built a tiny town made of candy. Using only spit and candy to hold it together.
Really the options are endless.
Build a TINY TOWN made of CANDY.
This is why she deserves a nobel peace prize, people.
I am sorry about your ankle however, last week I sliced open my hand trying to de-pit an avocado, so I am totally here for you / with you / we should become a team and I will do all the things that require feet and you do all the things that require hands.
That got weird but I just meant like… you could cross stitch the sign for the tiny-candy-town and I could walk to the store to get extra twizzlers if we run out because we ate them all because lol.
Here are other things I would do if I were you to pass the time:
Read books: Have you read Neil Gaiman’s The Ocean at the End of the Lane yet? RUN DON’T WALK except don’t run, buy it on Amazon bc like… you can’t run or walk.
Learn a new hobby: I know you’re thinking I mean cross stitch (for our candy-town-sign), but the first thing that popped into my head was actually meditation. Learning new breathing techniques and getting into the habit of doing them for 5-10 minutes each day has legit changed my whole life. Since you cannot even move anyway, this is a great plan.
SCRAPBOOK FOR YOUR BFF: Come on you guys. Who doesn’t love a good scrabook. PS: remember slam books? Do you people still do those things?
Tiny Candy Town: I am really stoked on this idea, so I suggest you make the most beautiful tiny candy town, then take brilliant photos involving tiny people and/or dinosaurs in the town, then create a photo-set on Tumblr, then let us know so we can show everyone the power of creative thinking / sprained ankes.
My parents have literally NEVER mentioned anything gay or culturally diverse AT ALL. We don't talk about any of that stuff, but they're not mean people, so, maybe they're down? I don't know. Whatever. My point is, how should I come out to them if I have no clue how they might react?
- Question submitted by Anonymous
This is kinda where I was sittin pretty when I was about to come out to my parents. I knew my dad was cool, but the only thing I knew about my mom was that she referred to John Kerry as “scary kerry” but she loved Ellen.. So it could have gone either way.
I ended up sitting both of my parents down and very calmly, quietly, and awkwardly telling them I was “dating someone …and it’s a girl” I LITERALLY SAID THOSE WORDS. And soooo dramatically. Y’all, no regrets (justlove), but if I could go back in time I think I would make it wayyyy less of a deal. If this were now and I was dating a girl, I would say, “Hey, mom, I’m dating someone I’d like you to meet, her name is Demi Lovato.” If my mom had questions, I’d let her ask questions, but my mom and I don’t really TALK ABOUT STUFF, so it isn’t something I think I’d wanna spend a bunch of time preparing myself for…ALSO
Sorry, next paragraph, *clears throat* ALSO. I think coming out by way of letter or email or gchat is totally fine. I feel like we get dirty looks and eyes rolled for doing that, but who cares?! It’s much more comfortable and you give your parents the space to think for a hot minute before saying the first thing that comes to mind, which may very well be “You know you people can adopt in Romania now” (legit, my mom said that). So, know that the time and space that coming out via written word allows is awesome and you should absolutely do that if it’ll make things easier on you.
Parents are tricky little buggers, aren’t they?
This scenario really hinges on who you are, and how you prefer to express yourself when it comes to your family members. The first thing you’ll want to think about is whether you’d like to take the TIPTOE approach or the CONFETTI-GUN approach. Never heard those terms before? That’s because I just invented them.
The TIPTOE approach would go as follows: You bring up tiny tidbits of news over time to suss out their more general reactions. For example, you’d say, “I read this article today about some of the movements that are happening in Russia because of their anti-gay laws,” or, “My school’s GSA had a bake sale today to raise money for The Trevor Project and the cookies were SO GOOD,” or anything else that teases some gayness into the convo. Perhaps they will engage in a positive manner. Perhaps they will grow a bit quiet. Perhaps they will go into a rage about the evils of homosexuality. Hopefully it will be one of the former, but these reactions will help you better understand what kind of a climate you’ll be facing once you come out to them directly. Perhaps you’ll be able to talk about some of their feelings on the issues, and even bring more knowledge to their experience before coming out, which will help them to better process the information.
The CONFETTI-GUN approach would go as follows: You just f*cking do it. You hold your breath, and you shoot gay confetti all over the house for better or for worse (I mean this metaphorically, but if you really want to cover your house in confetti whilst screaming I AM A GAY, that is fine, too). It might be in a letter, it might just be blurted out over dinner, but it will almost certainly feel weird and awkward. It almost always does… that’s okay. This method is a little riskier, of course, but it comes with the freedom of knowing you’ve said what you needed to say, and you have catapulted to Phase 2: Dealing With the Aftermath. I wouldn’t recommend the confetti-gun approach to anyone who thinks that they might get thrown out of the house or cut of from necessary financial support — those situations require more planning and preparation — but moreso for those of you who are unsure, yet confident your parents will still protect and care for you as they always have… but just possibly be upset, mad, confused, scared, ignorant, or all of the above.
Like we say often: coming out is not just that isolated moment of saying who you are… that is just the very beginning. Regardless of your approach, you will likely need to be patient with your parents as they (hopefully) try to learn about what this means, understand terms and new concepts, and re-imagine a life that they may have always viewed in a different light. If you remain patient and strong, there is a good chance that your parents will be able to grow along with you, despite some potential bumps along the way.
PS: The Parents Project will be up and running in about a month, and our book for parents whose kids have just come out to them comes out this September, so STAY TUNED.
The fact of the matter is, people “might think you’re confused” regardless of your age. I have friends who figured out they might be gay when they were 28 and people asked if they were sure they JUST HADN’T FOUND THE RIGHT GUY… This is real life, people.
It sucks because some of the world is super accepting and supportive. HOWEVER, another large part of the world sees your being bi as something DIFFERENT, which means, while they might not think it’s the worst thing in the world, they still want you to know there is an option to NOT BE THAT WAY.
It’s a little effed up, yea, but I think it happens to all of us regardless of age. If you feel comfortable enough to come out, I think you should. You don’t come out for people around you, you come out for you. That is what is important here. There will be questions / concerns / comments from people, sure, but keep in mind that YOU know yourself. Even if your mind changes in 15 minutes, this is exactly who you are right now. This is not a phase, you are not confused. You are you.
Dannielle skewered the heart of that matter really well: you come out for you.
We are two grown-ass ladies and we can tell you that we know for a fact that your identity when you are 14 years old is just as valid as your identity when you are 35 years old. Sure, maybe I have some more life-experience than I had when I was 14, and maybe I view the world differently because of it, but that does NOT invalidate who I was at 14. At all.
It sounds to me like you want to come out, and that you are feeling very sure about who you are — so I would encourage you to tell whomever you want, however you want. Even if your identity changes a bit as the years go by — that does not reflect poorly on you, or mean that you were ‘wrong’ about who you are right now.
No matter who we are, the way we view ourselves and the world around us changes as time passes. This ‘phase’ bullshit is exactly that: bullshit. Growing, learning, expressing those views and feelings, that is life. It’s not a fucking phase.
"When is it okay to remove my ex on facebook? She was awful and cheated, and now it's over a year later, and I don't like my profile being open to people that aren't a part of my life. My list is small and personal. Is it weird or bad to delete her or will she think I'm not over her or something?"
- Question submitted by Anonymous
Why do you give a single eff about what she thinks?
You don’t want her in your life, she sucks, it’s over, bye. You know?
I, personally, never delete anyone from social media bc even though someone has broken my heart or pissed me off or let me down, I still care about them. I don’t check up on them all the time, I’ll take them out of my main news feed, etc. But I don’t ever want someone to think I want to erase them from my life because they hurt me, or made me angry, or let me down. Once I’ve loved someone, they’re a part of me.
HOWEVER, if you DON’T want her in your life, if she DOESN’T make you feel good, if you DON’T care about what she thinks, and you DON’T want her to know what you’re up to, DELETE HER. What does it matter if she thinks you’re still not over her? You are. Who cares. Bye exgf!
Yea — if the only reason you are keeping her in your list of “friends” is because you are worried about what she will think, it is time to say BUHBYE ADIOS CIAOBELLA SAYONARA TATA aka *clicks finger on ‘delete’ button*
You’re position makes complete sense. Your list is small, she isn’t in your life anymore, she isn’t someone you consider (or want to consider) a close friend, the end.
To all of you ex-gfs out there: if your ex deletes you from social media, it may likely not be about you… it may be about them making positive, healthy decisions about what they do and/or don’t want in their brain-space.
Now, why don’t we all collectively press play on ‘Since U Been Gone’. Right?!