everyone is gay

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you should absolutely tell them how you feel. There isn’t really anyway for them to KNOW what your process is or what you’re going through or what you’re feeling if you don’t tell them. 

Chances are they’ll still be worried for you, I mean, isn’t that what our parents do best? Worry?

If I were you (keep in mind I’m terrible at conversating, so maybe you don’t need to do this) I would make a list of the reasons you want to come out now. You can just make it in your head, but prepare yourself for the questions they’ll have and answer them in your head (or on paper) ahead of time. If they’re concerned that you “aren’t thinking” and you have answers READY TO GO, it’ll just help them to realize you totally are thinking. You know what I mean?

Parents baby us for our entire lives. They don’t MEAN to, but like, we are their kids. Sometimes they need a slight reminder that we are also grown-ass-humans. Now is a good time to remind them. You know what you want to do and this is your life and you have to do what’s best for you, let them know your decision. I SUPPORT YOU. 

Kristin Says:

I agree one million thousand percent. You should speak with your parents and, like Dannielle said, you should prepare yourself as best as you can for that conversation.

It is very hard for parents to transition from a place where they have to tell us not to put our hands on the stove, not to eat only twizzlers for breakfast, and not to color a mural on their living room wall, to a place where they understand us as people capable of making informed decisions. Try to look at this conversation as the first step toward a place where they will begin to understand you as a smart, capable person. They aren’t quite there yet, but that is okay. They will get there.

My personal opinion is that this is your life and your identity, and ultimately your choice. However, that doesn’t mean that I think you should just walk in and say, “Parents, this is my life so I am doing what I want.” I think you should give them the chance to be a part of this process, and I think that you should listen to their concerns honestly and openly.

Sit them down and tell them that you love them. Tell them that you know they are worried for a lot of reasons, and that you’d like to talk about those things more—but that you are living this experience and very much feel that you need to be able to come out on some level to feel like a complete person. Tell them that you would love to have their support in any way they can give it, and that if they would like to help you figure out the path forward, that would be incredibly helpful.

Hear their concerns, explain your position, listen, and make informed decisions based on that entire experience. Be respectful of them at every turn, be patient, be open, be firm. Don’t rush into anything. Express yourself clearly. If the conversation needs space, return to it in a week or so when things have calmed down. It isn’t going to be easy, and it might even be unpleasant, but it is hard to help our parents to a place where they let us grow up… and this is your first step.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

THIS IS THE WORST AND ALSO THE FUNNIEST AND HOPEFULLY IN 40 YEARS YOU’LL BE AROUND A CAMPFIRE TELLING THIS STORY TO ALL YOUR GRANDKIDS BUT FOR NOW HAHAHAHAH OMG STOP HAHAHAHA OMGOMGOMG

Whew. 

Glad I got that off my chest. I’m going to pretend for a second that my BFF (who is basically my sister) sent me a nakey pix of herself on accident. I would SCREAM first and then probably text our mutual friend in all caps “WHAT DO I DO OMG I’M DYING I CAN’T LOLOLO” and I think I would end up sending the picture BACK to her and saying “WRONG NUMBER, I HATE YOU” and she would be super embarrassed and I would make fun of her for a long, long, time. 

ALTHOUGH, I would only do that bc I know she could handle it and our relationship is mostly based on jokes and funny stuff. If your sister is super serious all the time and you don’t have a good relationship you should maybe use it as blackmail next time she tries to get you in trouble?? 

(probably don’t do that tho)

Kristin Says:

I would like to second Dannielle: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG.

Seriously, while I know this is traumatic in the moment, and that you can never erase these images from your brain, and blahblahblah, it is one of the funniest mistakes I have ever heard of in my life. Dear god, it is hysterical.

I thought long and hard about this, and my final answer is: Doodle Buddy.

Take the naked pic of your sister, and use the Doodle Buddy app to draw on clothes, and text it back to her without any explanation. I think that will do the trick.

Here is a picture of a naked lady I found on the internet by googling “Naked Lady Tasteful,” after I gave her a Doodle Buddy outfit. You’re welcome.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Oh man, I spent so much time wondering this exact thing. First of all, you will have a bunch of different first kisses. Every single time you have feelings for someone and you want to kiss on their face mouth, you’ll have a first kiss with them. So, it’s like, does the first time you EVER KISS ANYONE count as a first kiss, even!?! Who knows. I don’t think it matters. 

Honestly, I don’t remember MOST of my first kisses. There are a few that stick out in my mind, and I feel like that’s how it’s supposed to be?? Right? Like, you remember that really terrible first kiss where the boy you halfway had a crush on spun his togue around in your mouth like an ACTUAL blender. And you remember that really amazing first kiss that ended up lasting for 6 hours. 

And like, maybe the best first kiss ever happens when you’re 16 but also maybe doesn’t happen until you’re 27, you know what I mean? Don’t feel bad if your first kisses are lackluster, it isn’t about when, you know? It’s about whom. 

(hey yall did i use ‘whom’ correctly? thx)

Kristin Says:

You guys, Disney has been lying to all of us for a million years.
First kisses are usually (mostly always) NEVER romantic, ever.
Also, apparently that magic carpet ride would have killed Aladdin & Jasmine.

Don’t worry about your first kiss, or your second kiss, or your third.

IT’S ALL ABOUT THE FOURTH KISS.

No, it’s not. That just seemed to be the best way to dramatically end my thought.

Kissing is practice for better kissing. My first kiss was with a boy named Dave in the back of a bus and he used the EXACT same blender technique that Dannielle referred to earlier. My first girl-kiss was done on a dare and it was terrifying and horrible. Then, there were some kisses that were pretty okay and I was like “OH HEY CHECK OUT THIS KISSING THING.” Then, there were kisses that were like, “OMG THAT KISSING THING FROM BEFORE WAS SO LAME THIS IS THE BEST THING ON PLANET EARTH.”

You know?

It’s totally cool. You have your entire life to kiss people. 
WHOOHOO THREE CHEERS FOR ALL THE KISSING!

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Here’s the thing, I get what you’re saying. I TOTALLY understand from the point of view that’s like, “hey we’ve talked about this future and you’re sort of abandoning it” or SIMILAR FEELINGS. However, I do want to state FOR THE RECORD that some of the most successful people I know never went to college. OR dropped out halfway through. OR went to college and ended up succeeding in a field that had NOTHING to do with what they went to school for, you know?

I think education is super important, but I also think our education system is a little weird and there are about a million ways to learn and grow and succeed without necessarily paying thousands of dollars to read some books, write some papers, and take some tests. ON THE OTHER HAND, I totally think college is/was the best and you can learn a ton. I had a great time and I would never give up my college experience NEVER. FOR ANYTHING. EVER. I’m just saying there are multiple sides to any sitch and you should talk to your boo. 

It’s one thing if she feels like grad school isn’t her thing SLASH she doesn’t belong there SLASH she wants to be doing more. It’s a completely different thing if she’s totally unmotivated and one of the things that attracted you to her the most was her tenacity and love of what she does. 

Does that make sense, though?! Talk to her. Ask her about her goals and why she hasn’t been into school lately. Figure out if the two of you are still on the same page with your relationship and your ideas for your future together. There is literally ALWAYS a way to compromise and understand one another, if there isn’t, the relationship isn’t working. 

Kristin Says:

Listen, I totally, totally, TOTALLY get this, and I think that if this were just about “her not keeping her grades up and you therefore not having money to pay for your future children’s dentist appointment,” then yes, you’d be over-thinking and overreacting. However, chances are that all these “future” thoughts are tied into what you need to feel attracted to your boo. That isn’t overdramatic in the least.

You know how there’s that thing called Darwinism where, like, really strong eagles will have sex with other really strong eagles because they want to make sure that all the eagles are really strong and stuff? Well, it’s like… you have certain things that make you feel attracted to another human and one of those things (for you, and for a lot of us) is knowing that the other human can take care of themselves, has motivation, and has drive.

So the issue isn’t OMG MY FUTURE BILLS AND STUFF. The issue is right now, in this moment. You need to talk to her, and you need to ask her why she is feeling unmotivated. As her partner, you should work, at first (and for as long as you can), to help her find the motivation and inspiration that she needs. Let her know that you believe in her. Explore different possibilites. Those are the ways to empower another person.

Chances are, with your faith in her, she will be able to find faith in herself. Then, you won’t be as worried about the future because you will be with someone who believes in their abilities and who is able to work and achieve. There is a small chance that she is too lost for you to help, and if that is what you find after your efforts, then it is time to re-evaluate. You needs for drive and ambition in a partner are reasonable and completely, totally understandable.

(But also, you guys, how about my definition of Darwinism?)

Dear Gaybeans,

We came across this advice given by a Tumblr user named datebynumbers, and we thought that it was incredibly beautiful. Today, in lieu of advice from us, we’d like to share this with you all. Enjoy. xx K&D

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“He’s gone now. I gave him a second chance and he still chose to ignore me in the long run. He promised he wasn’t “that guy”. I know it makes room for someone better, but I don’t think he’s out there. My faith is gone. Please, big sister from the Internet, tell me something to make it better.”

datebynumbers says:

I want to tell you real quick about my bike. I get on that bike when I’m sick and dizzy and lost in my head, I get on that bike and the world changes.  It’s all ascents and descents, dusty turns and tailwinds, howling into the ether like the only thing that matters is not falling off because it is the only thing that matters. And I feel like I’m going to explode into a million shredded pieces of metal and carbon and bones and blood, but I sit back, crouch down and breathe deep into the calm and ride the wind like diving into the sea. In those hours, I am invincible. I am untouchable. I am cut and lean and hard and fast. I’m not heartbroken or fearful of being lonely.  I am not alone at all.  When I am on that bike, I am everything I wanted to be when I was little, choosing tackle over touch, choosing battle over tattle. And with my hair pinned back, dressed in kitten heels and a soft pink dress, you can still see the bike grease on my hands and the scars all over my legs from sloppy dismounts and nasty falls. I wear my scars like a topographic map of my life. This is not a highway, this is a story of lush valleys and ice-picked mountain passes. The highs and lows of hospital beds and sail bags, and I don’t want to look tidy and pretty and clean. I don’t want to look like someone would be lucky to have me, I want to look like someone would be lucky to survive me. I don’t ride the wind; I am the wind and I am carving my topography with brushstrokes both delicate and bold.

So when I think about falling in love, I also think about all the things that happened because I wasn’t in love, because there was no one to ask me to stay. I think about blasting down a mountain pass on a bike the same weight as my cat. I think about how I moved to the Virgin Islands and raised $100,000 for kids before becoming a stowaway. I picked ‘shrooms and danced at a rave ‘til my shoes disappeared over the edge of the speedboat we took home. I made out with German journalists, Irish kiteboarders, ship captains and pool boys. I ran the southern perimeter of Manhattan at midnight. I rode on the back of a motorcycle through the streets of Florence as the sun came up, singing loud enough to hear it over the muffler, both hands in the air.  I got a cat, got an apartment, got a dye job, got a nose ring, got a tattoo, got a tattoo addiction, got a promotion, got a plane ticket, got a tan, got a blog, got a life. And it’s not that I couldn’t have done these things if I was in love, but it would have been different. It would have been safer. And regardless of whomever I’m with for whatever amount of time, I’ll be with myself the whole time and I want to be good to her.  I want her to have a heart like an ocean: endlessly vast, full of wonder, and navigable only by the brave.  I want her to wake up in the biggest, empty bed and stretch like a cat, taking all the space just because she can. I want her to have control of her happiness. I want her happiness to be her own… to be my own.

So let me tell you a little something about that “someone better”, because that’s within your control. That someone better can be you. The squalor of heartbreak will rip through you, tearing down all the old walls and ideas and misconceptions about how love looks and feels, but when you clear the debris, you see all the best parts of you that weathered the storm.  You see all the parts that you built before him, survived him, and do not belong to him.  You will see yourself.  And you will make her better. 

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

omg. I literally JUST got off the phone with my dad who was suggesting I get one of those short sleeve surfer things LIKE THIS

To be honest with you all, I haven’t worn a bathing suit in YEARS. I have super fair skin and I’m never like “HEY GUYS LETS GO SWIMMING.” When I go to the beach with my friends, I’m usually sitting and snacking and we all gab about life/boys/etc, you know? So, I haven’t needed a suit. 

BUT THIS YEAR IS DIFF. I’m going on a trip with my entire family and we’re DEFINITELY going to the beach and pool and swimming and whatever and I’m literally dying inside thinking about it because NOTHING makes me more uncomfortable than a bikini. 

Is anyone out there a designer? Can you please design swimwear for the not-so-girly-girl? THANK YOU.

Kristin Says:

I know this is more of a Dannielle question but also I HAVE THOUGHTS and also DID SOME RESEARCH.

First things first: there is nothing more important than you being comfortable and feeling f*cking awesome. I know it’s always a tricky thing to put into practice, but when we feel comfortable in our own skin (slash swimwear), we just look good. Comfort always wins the day. Despite what Tyra might tell you.

Second things second: from what I gather, there are a whole ton of combinations that can happen in the swimwear world depending on what you are aiming for. There are board shorts, boy shorts, tank tops, sleeveless t-shirts, rashguards, sports bras, etcetera… which can all be combined in different ways.

Third things third: Autostraddle has done all the work for us. If you want a million different answers in the form of links, pictures, examples, and funny jokes, go over to here:

Autostraddle’s Swimsuit Issue

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You know what, this is an amazing idea. 

There used to be this website called COMPASSION PIT that I loved, where you could just sort of vent and talk about what was on your mind. No one in there was a doctor or professional of any sort, which I preferred. Just talking it out is so nice sometimes. 

Honestly you guys, sometimes I just want to talk, I don’t want anyone to solve my problems or provide answer, I just want to talk and talk and talk and say stuff over and over until I get it out. 

I dunno if you’re into this, but writing helps a lot. Don’t just write what you’re feeling, write what other people are telling you to do and what your family things and what your friends are saying and how you would feel about every outcome. Writing helps me a lot too. Sorry I couldn’t help more, MAYBE SOME OF OUR READERS KNOW SOME STUFF (plz put comments on this post if you know anything!)

Kristin Says:

Yes, yes, yes, Everyone Is Gay readers unite! I feel like there are so many of you that may have better answers to this question… and that is what the Internet is for, right?

Also, capitalizing “Internet” makes me feel 57 years old but also it’s a GRAMMAR RULE so #ugh

Aaaaaanyway. My additional thoughts are as follows:

1. There is this site I just became aware of called Spill Now, which seems targeted at college students but I believe can be used by whomever. You can talk about something that is troubling you and then another user will respond. You can also sign up as a person who will answer the concerns of others. Similar to what Compassion Pit was, but without the chatting feature.

2. A lot of areas have free counseling for youth. I know that for a lot of us, “counseling” or “therapy” conjures up images of deep depression or others such serious issues, but that isn’t the case AT ALL. Sometimes having someone to listen to you as you talk is exactly what you need to sort through the thoughts and get to the heart of what is going on in your brain-head. In NYC, the Hetrick-Martin Institute has counselors available for any youth in the area, completely free of charge. In Lawrence, KS, there is a place called Lawrence HQ that has a 24/7 phone line that can be called for any reason - you do not need to be feeling suicidal.

3. This is a brilliant question and I agree with Dannielle — there should be more resources out there for us to be able to connect and talk about what we are going through.

Let us know if there are more that we are missing!

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I’ve been in this situation and I don’t think I handled it very well. I’d like to say you can just be honest with your friend and talk to them about what you’re feeling and how you’d like things to be different, but some people DO NOT respond well to that kind of thing. 

I remember when my toxic friend was like “I’M MOVING TO CHICAGO” and I had a small panic attack because I knew I didn’t want to see her, but it didn’t seem like there was a way around it?? Basically, I ended up slowly backing away. Not going to her parties/dinners, saying I wasn’t available for shows, seeing her once a week turned into once a month. Once a month turned into once in a long while turned into only by accident turned into i haven’t seen her in a few years. It was a very slow process, but I had to do what I could in those moments to make myself feel better. When I was around her I felt stupid, super negative, unhappy, guilt-ridden, and just NOT GOOD about myself. 

Sometimes (a lot of times) we have to put ourselves first. I know it’s a little hard to do, you don’t wanna be an asshole and you don’t want to feel guilty and you don’t want her to hate you. Be respectful and if she asks you what’s up, be honest. Tell her you haven’t been feeling 100% about your friendship so you’re taking some time for you…it’ll probably feel weird, BUT YOU GUYS, YOLO and why would you want to YOLO an unhappy YOLO?? Do what you gotta do to be happy. 

Kristin Says:

I have also been in this situation, and I ALSO handled it very poorly. I felt constantly torn between knowing that my friendship was making me feel lousy and not wanting to hurt the other person. I kept relying on old memories from before the relationship had headed south to convince myself that things would be okay, and I also had a deep understanding of why my friend was hurting and unable to create a positive relationship… that understanding made it extra complicated to walk away.

I do think that what Dannielle has suggested is the best approach: make a conscious effort to decrease the amount of time you spend together. You have stated clearly that the relationship is unhealthy for you. In most cases, explaining that to the other party is very complicated and can be twisted around to be viewed as accusatory, so you should be wary of what you choose to communicate. It is good to be honest when and where you can, but if you know your words will be ill-received it is okay to frame them differently and keep some of that truth to yourself. At this point, the main goal is to see this person less. 

In some cases, you will find that the relationship achieves a different level of connectedness, and that you enjoy the relationship as it settles into you seeing each other once a month or a few times a year. In a lot of cases, it is a hard shift, and you may wind up actually “breaking up” with your friend. The initial process will be hard and complicated (as it is with any break up, romantic or otherwise), but remind yourself that you are taking care of your heart and brain. That always, always comes first.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Slowly and carefully. 

It’s a hard thing to master, being totally okay and happy with how wonderful you actually are after someone has convinced you otherwise. It’s hard and confusing and scary and weird and uncomfortable. All of the feelings associated with where you are right now are SUPER negative. Which is kind of great because you’re feeling SO TERRIBLE that tiny good things feel like GIANT good things… I give the worst advice. 

Allow time to do it’s job. You can’t get back into it immediately, even if you REALLY REALLY want to, you’re just not there yet. I’m not telling you to sit at home alone and cry, but just realize when you DO try to go out with someone and you’re totally not feeling it, that’s okay. It’s more than okay, it’s expected. Take that time and allow yourself to have a few shitty dates with some people you only sort of like, it’ll happen how and when it’s supposed to happen. 

Take time to remember all the millions of reasons someone might fall in love with you. Fall in love with yourself all over again. It sounds sooo cheesy and dumb, but I’M SERIOUS. Write, draw, swim, read, ride your bike, cook, play your guitar, organize your closet, do things for you just because you WANT to do them. Recognize the things you’re REALLY good at doing and brush your shoulders off. 

You’re literally the best. Once you remember how fucking amazing you are, you’ll be more than open to sharing that amazing you with another human. 

Kristin Says:

Well, first things first - it is important to understand the difference between your ex ACTUALLY destroying you and the FEELING that your ex has destroyed you. I promise you this: unless your ex is a dark lord who carries unearthly powers and has cast a spell on you that even Hermoine can’t break… your ex has not actually destroyed you. In fact, your ex doesn’t have any power over you that isn’t able to be taken back by you, when you’re ready and able.

So, then, the goal here is to get you ready and able to get yourself back - and Dannielle said it perfectly: you do that slowly, carefully, and by focusing on the things that you enjoy. 

I was once in a relationship for five years, and when it ended I was (or felt like I was) completely destroyed. It took me an entire year to begin to pick up the pieces. I had days during that year where I forgot my pain, I laughed, I talked with friends. I had days where I couldn’t do anything but drag myself to work and back home again. I had days where my laughter turned suddenly into a hurt that I couldn’t explain, and I had to excuse myself from the room to regain my composure. The good days increased slowly and, eventually, I looked up at work and saw a girl and thought, “Hey… I could totally mash my mouth on her mouth and like it.” That was the beginning of the bend back toward my life. Soon thereafter, I made out with some people — sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it made me a little sad. Then I met someone who I fell in love with… and now I look back on that time and it feels a hundred bagillion years ago.

Such is life.

Patience, perseverance, and faith. You’ve got this.

Trust us.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I haven’t watched Buffy since it was on actual TV (aka i’m old). BUT I AM BASICALLY SCARRED FROM THAT ONE CROSSOVER EPISODE TOWARD THE END WHERE THERE WAS ONLY A LITTLE BIT OF TIME LEFT AND THERE WAS CRYING. 

Literally I think about it once a week and get weepy… So good luck to you living the rest of your life like a normal human being. 

Kristin Says:

You guys, I also watched Buffy while it was on TV, but I am rewatching the entire series from the beginning and I am watching Angel at the same time and the other day I watched an episode where THINGS HAPPENED that were SO F*CKING SAD that I sobbed on my couch while eating cashews.

Like, sobbed.

Are we supposed to give advice here?

#HappyMemorialDay