everyone is gay

Dannielle Says:

You hurt my feelings.

Kristin Says:

Dannielle and I receive e-mails like this every so often, and I think it is important to clear a few things up for those of you who have misunderstood what this site is all about.

We are not doctors.  We are not social workers.  We are two girls who have had different life experiences in regard to sexuality and gender-identity.  We use this space as a way to express ourselves, and to try to use that self-expression as a way to help some of you feel a bit less alone.  That does not mean that either of us are going to pretend to be a sex experts, nor does it mean that Dannielle is going to deny the fact that talking about certain sex acts makes her face turn bright red.

One thing to make absolutely clear: if we are unsure of an answer and direct you to a place where that answer is given clearly, or if we express our own embarrassment or difficulty with talking about something like fisting in great detail, that is not a reflection of judgement.  We are both exceptionally sex-positive and open-minded individuals who understand that we all have different likes and dislikes in the realm of things that satisfy us.  I don’t think it is necessary to have had my entire fist in someone’s vagina, or for Dannielle to have peed on someone’s face to be able to answer your questions, nor do I think that those things are ‘weird’ or ‘wrong.’  

We answer your questions as ourselves.  We are not machines without emotions.  If we were, this site would be hella boring.

Dannielle Says: 

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEE

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Also, I don’t think that is how it works, but more importantly…

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE 

Kristin Says:

http://www.freddyandeddy.com/howto/howtofist2.htm

Dannielle Says: 

BLARGHSSSH. 

I hate this. I hate it. Not because your boo won’t come out, but because she probably has really valid reasons. You know why? Because our society is severly flawed. Because we live in the kind of place where people LITERALLY ARE KILLED BECAUSE OF WHO THEY LOVE. We live in the kind of world where you can fall in love with someone who is terrified to love you back. 

I hate us sometimes. 

Here’s the thing. Her coming out is her own thing. It might strain the fuck out of your relationship and it might not. HOWEVER, you JUST SAID the obvious thing to do was break up with her. I don’t agree with that, but I always argue if you think you know what you “should” do, you know what you want to do. Coming out happens in different ways and at different times for everyone. You could find that after you break it off she starts dating someone else and 3 weeks later she comes out to her family and starts a GIANT GAY PROTEST in the wal-mart parking lot. 

Hopefully, she’d do it somewhere cooler than a wal-mart parking lot, but who knows. You can’t force her to do anything. You HAVE to let her find that piece of her on her own. If you’re going to end up resenting her for not coming out and she’s going to end up resenting you for not letting her figure it out on her own…neither of you will be happy. All you can do is be supportive and love her for as long as you’re supposed to love her. 

Kristin Says:

There is no obvious choice here, Anonymous.  

The first thing you have to do is sit down and talk to her about how you are feeling, and try to understand her reasoning.  Why does she want to keep her sexuality private?  Does she mean from her family, specifically, or from the entire population of planet Earth?  If you love her like you say you do, listen to what she says and let her know how those things affect you.  You can’t make any decisions until you get down in the conversational dirt with her, you know?

The second thing is what my dad refers to as “the little man.”  HE ISN’T TALKING ABOUT THAT, YOU SICK FUCKS.  What he is talking about is that gut-feeling, or that tiny voice inside your head that is like, “Ummm, Anonymous.  This is making you too upset.  You love her, but you have to let her go.”  Sometimes we choose to listen to the little man, and sometimes we fight him and we are like, “Shut up, little man, you don’t know what you are talking about.  I can make this work.”  Nine thousand out of nine thousand and one times, we wind up doing what the little man advised, even after a good fight.  He is usually correct.

So.  If, after you talk to your girl you still feel unsettled, listen to the little man and do what you need to do.  Loving someone is not the only ingredient to a successful relationship.

PS: I don’t know why it has to be a “little man,” and not a “little woman,” or “little non-gender conformist,” so…calm down and just listen to whoever it may be.

Dannielle Says: 

I realize we answered a quesh semi-recently about telling new roommates you’re a homo, but like, HOW CAN WE AVOID A QUESTION ABOUT SCAREDY DOG FARTS?!!?

Whenever I meet new people it’s super awkward b/c I look really gay, but sometimes people don’t get it. SO I HAVE CREATED A NEW FORM OF COMMUNICATION. It’s called “list things about yourself, so everyone knows what the fuck is up.” Usually my list goes something like this

“Just so you know, I date girls, and I don’t eat meat, I also don’t drink or smoke, I don’t really like ice cream or soup, I love mainstream pop music, I have a crush on Demi Lovato and My favorite TV shows are iCarly, Grey’s Anatomy and 90210… yes, the new one” 

By the time I finish that list people know I’m a complete mess. I usually throw in the part about me being obsessed with my cat later, b/c there’s a ‘janet’ photo album on my phone that goes along with it. 

If I were you, I’d start the conversation with something like “So, since you’ve already signed the lease and you prolly can’t leave anytime soon, I’d like to let you know what you’re ACTUALLY getting into…” You roomie will giggle and you guys can watch the L Word and she’ll  be like “I’m definitely not gay, but if I was, I would totally date Shane” and you’ll be like “That’s what all the straight girls say…also gay boiz say that… and gay girls…and straight boys… basically everyone wants to bone shane” and then you’ll laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and then cry a little and then pee a tiny bit and then laugh again and then your dog will fart and you’ll all scream and then laugh again and there will be a freeze frame and your theme song will start playing…. 

Kristin Says:

I can’t fucking deal with your giant dog named Hagrid.  In other news, who are the random four guys who laugh outside of your closet when you are afraid of the dark?  All of the other things on your list seem totally acceptable, but, if you have four dudes living under your bed or something, then you should probably not have another roommate.

Ignoring that and moving on, I love Dannielle’s list idea, because it made me giggle at my desk just like she said I would, and I thought SHE IS SO RIGHT I JUST GIGGLED.  So, it works.  Use it.

If you want another suggestion, try just living your life as it happens and being totally casual about this hilarious list of you-isms.  When you plug in your nightlight on her first night there, just be like, “Oh, ha. So, I am afraid of the dark, and I realize that I should probably still be reading RL Stine’s Goosebumps series since I am that much of a baby, but like, they scare me even more.  So, I just want you to know that you can laugh at me and there will be no harm done.”  Then, a few nights later when you turn on the TV and Covert Affairs comes on, just be like, “HOPE THIS IS COOL BUT I LIKE GIRLS AND I HAD TO TELL YOU THAT BECAUSE PIPER PERABO IS MY JAM AND I CAN’T DENY OUR LOVE.”

She will understand, laugh her tits off, and totally be fine.  You seem hilarious and your question had both Dannielle and I in stitches, so…just don’t panic, and please send us a fucking picture of Hagrid immediately.

Dannielle Says:

Ok, first of all, your girlfriend is a total dick. 

Second of all, EVERYONE’S VAJAYJAY IS TOTES DIFFERENT. Our vaginas are like our faces, you know? Everyone’s is different, and you should never get reconstructive surgery for the person you’re dating (see: hiedi montag). 

Try out the following phrases; “bitch back off my vajay” or “haha your FACE IS WEIRD” or “what’s that? i can’t hear you over all that judgement” and then start crying hysterically and yell “I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING I THOUGHT YOU WERE DIFFERENT” and then refuse to talk to her until you finish watching BRIDGET JONES’ DIARY 2: THE EDGE OF REASON….

Well, maybe that’s dramatic, but the point is… we are all different, we have different faces, different elbow skin, different vaginas, we even have different feelings. BUT ALL OF OUR DIFFERENT FEELINGS GET HURT THE SAME WAY. Tell her she’s hurting your feelings and make her buy you a present. 

Kristin Says:

PARTY FOUL.  Your vagina is just fine, thank you very much.  I agree, your girlfriend needs to calm it the fuck down, and deal with the fact that she also has body parts and therefore should realize that they aren’t the same as everyone else’s.  

Tell her you are happy to take your vagina to someone else who will appreciate it, and that you have the very valid expectation that your girlfriend will respect you and love all of your parts.  Also, tell her that Kristin is NOT a fan of her name-calling. #vaginabullying

Dannielle and I have seen a few vaginas in our day, and we can tell you that they all look different.  (I included Dannielle to distract you all from realizing that I have seen a vagina.)  What I mean to say is this: unless your vagina sings the national anthem on command or has the face of Ross Perot, you are fine and your girlfriend is just acting like an ass.  If she doesn’t cut it out, find someone who will make you feel great about yourself and your parts, because that is what you deserve.

Dannielle Says:

So, my bestfriendinthewholeworld, Amanda, has a boyfriend who is diabetic and I found out pretty much the first time I met him. Well, the first time I hung out with him and it mattered. We met at a giant private party in the Museum of Science and Industry…which isn’t important, but I want to make sure everyone here KNOWS I’M REALLY COOL. 

So, Riley is the best ever and he has this little pump attached to his sexy bod and he has to set the sugar grams or whatever on the little beeper box after he eats anything. The first time I ever saw it, I was like ‘IS THAT A PAGER WHAT IS THIS NINETEEN NINETY FOUR’ and everyone laughed and I was SO PROUD of my stupid joke… Then he was like ‘no, it’s my insulin’ and I was like ‘oh god, is this awkward?’ and he was like ‘no, i mean, it looks like a beeper…’ and it was fine and I continued to eat the Chocolate-Raspberry-Vegan brownies he made specifically for me b/c I was Amanda’s best friend…

The point is, just tell her. Be super up front about it! The longer your hide it, the more awkward it’s going to be. Having diabetes isn’t something you should be ashamed of, Nick Jonas has diabetes AND HE IS LIKE SO KEWT. 

One time Riley and Amanda and I were on a road trip and we were eating fruit snacks and Riley was driving down a winding road in the mountains, so, I TOTALLY typed in the beepy things on his beeper…aka…saved his life. Don’t treat it like it’s a huge deal, b/c it really isn’t! Also, sometimes it’s fun to ask Riley questions like ‘what do you do with your bodybeeper when you and Amanda bone? 

Which, they don’t bone b/c they’re not married*

*just in case amanda’s mom is reading…

Kristin Says:

I really, really, reallllly need to know if Dannielle knew that Nick Jonas had diabetes before or after googling ‘cute tiny boy music makers who have diabetes.’  Which, I just found out, actually links you to ‘Exceptionally Cute Critters.’ So.  I guess she knew.

If I were diabetic and in this situation here is what I would do.  I would have this amazing girl to dinner, and I would probably make something really delicious like salmon filets over red quinoa with pan-roasted asparagus.  Also not important, but if we are in the business of making you know we are cool, there you have it.  Then, after dinner was over, I would be like, “Hey, you don’t mind if I just shoot up real quick to calm my nerves, do you?”  Then, hopefully, she would look horrified, and I would burst out laughing and be like, “I AM TOTALLY KIDDING, but I am diabetic and I need some post-dinner insulin, and I hope that doesn’t freak you out and, also, aren’t you glad I’m not addicted to drugs?!”  Then the ice will be broken and she will think you are adorable and suave for tricking her little cute face.

If she is like, “Oh hell yeah, I was hoping you liked drugs,” then at least you know that you are dating a drug addict.

If she is like, “That isn’t funny, my sister is a heroin addict,” then just tell her that Kristin is a giant asshole and you took her advice, and you won’t ever do that again.

It is really hard to please everyone.

Dannielle Says: 

 First of all, I’d like to start with EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sexy questions make me blush.

ANYWAY!! I don’t know a ton about things u can buy at fancyfetish&fashion, but I know from the l word that roleplaying is cute and fun, sticky dessert toppings can be sexay, nipple clamps will make for an awkward airport situation, and some chicks love doing it in the pool. YOU GUYS! MOST OF THOSE WERE DANA&ALICE REFERENCES!! (I miss them)…if you dont want anything that goes up in u, try things that vibrate! Or watching sexi movies together, or doing it in different places (LIKE CARS OR STORAGE CLOSETS)!!!

Also, you might want to read what Kristin says bc I said most of this in the same voice I would use to sell a George foreman grill…I don’t know why, AND ALSO SHE KNOWS ALL ABOUT THOSE THINGS BOWCHICKABOWWOW!!! right?!? 

Kristin Says:

Ohhhh man, my little girl is growing up.  Look at her saying ‘things that vibrate’ and ‘nipple clamps’ like a champ. #champclamp

There are about 700,428 things that you can do to have more fun with your girl during naked time.  Vibrators are the obvious choice for a reason: they rule.  If you don’t already both have your own, DO THAT.  Then you can use them at the same time, try new positions, and then argue about whose vibrator is better and why (unless you have the same ones and then you should at least argue about whose color is better).  Then, there is the avenue that Dannielle was already flirting with: ice cubes, hot wax, those little dice that tell you to do things, PAINT EACH OTHER USING CHOCOLATE LIKE IN THAT MOVIE (Tip: if you decide to paint each other, don’t use actual paint.  It will start all sexy, then the paint will dry on you, pulling your skin as it contracts and leaving you screaming in pain while your girlfriend tries to put a robe on you so you can get to the shower without her roommates seeing, but that will pull the paint even more and you will fight and cry and it will be awful.  I just have a feeling that that is what might happen.)

Also, sometimes you don’t need toys.  Ask her what she fantasizes about, tell her what you fantasize about, talk to each other about those fantasies while you are doing your sexy thing.  Your imagination is much more powerful than anything else.  Unless you have one of those $300 vibrators, and then I guess that might win.

I really, REALLY hope that my parents don’t read this.

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing. I know it’s weird to say “listen, bitch” to your mom, but that’s sort of the stance you have to take. YOU DON’T HAVE TO ACTUALLY SAY LISTENBITCH, BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE SAME FEELINGS.

Sometimes parents don’t get it. Sometimes friends don’t get it. Sometimes co-workers don’t get it. Sometimes significant others don’t get it. There will always be a point in time where someone important doesn’t get it (unless you are me and you meet someone who completely gets it and then the two of you fall in love, but you’re also best friends and she is straight so you’re like ‘WE SHOULD JUST BE TOGETHER B/C YOU TOTALLY GET IT’ and then she’s like ‘I WISH YOU WERE A BOY’ and you are like ‘I WISH YOU WERE GAY’ and then you are both like ‘but it’s better this way’ bc if you’re best friends you know you’ll be together forever)

…

…Anyway. There will always be someone who doesn’t get it, and you will have to explain it to them. It might get hella awkward, and it might take more than one reminder, but this is YOUR LIFE. You have to remember that this isn’t just ‘my favorite color is purple now, mom, why don’t YOU EVER UNDERSTAND!’ This is your entire life. Just take a minute to be serious and tell them you appreciate their support, but they HAVE to understand what it means to you. I guarantee it will be much less awkward than you think!

Communication, you guys, we could stop wars with that shit.

Kristin Says:

Are your parents aware that they are putting you in danger by “outing” you in public?  If not, that is the best way to shove them into changing their ways. 

Chances are, if you are like, “Hey, parents, did you know that the last time you screamed, ‘CHRISTINE DID YOU LEAVE YOUR GIRL THINGS IN THE CAR?’ someone punched me in the face,” they will be more likely to act differently in the future.  If they already know this and they are still like, “Well, this was your decision so deal with it,” then, unfortunately, you have to tell them that you can’t be with them in public places anymore.  I know that sounds drastic, but if they cannot respect who you are at least in places where you could be put at risk, then drastic measures are necessary.

The second layer of this is you being accepted for who you are, whether you are in public or not.  I always try to give my parents examples that might be more accessible to them.  Ask them how they would feel if you constantly called them Grandma and Grandpa in public.  NOT SO HOT, RIGHT MOM & DAD?  Maybe they don’t have the ability to understand that your gender identity is just as concrete as theirs, but they may begin to understand what it feels like to be called something that they do not consider a part of their identity. 

Obviously, you coming out as trans is a process, and your parents will have their own process.  Try to allow them some space and time to process things, but also stand your ground.

Dannielle Says:

OMG I LOVE YOU AND I WANT YOU TO BE MY BESTIE4LYFE.

Jaykay, yalls, that friendship slot is totally taken, but like we can still be good friends.

Anyway, Kristin and I can’t possibly know your friend as well as you do… get it…b/c we are on the internet and she is IRL?!? HOWEVER, I would fight this fire (there is no fight) with liquid humor. If I were you I would test the waters a little bit. Throw in a ‘man, kristin is hot in that webcast’ and if your friend is like ‘haha, right’ you should be like ‘also, do you think dannielle would go for me’ and then she’ll laugh hysterically b/c like YOU GUYS DANNIELLE IS SOOOOO GAY LOLOLOLOOOLOO… get it? but if she just like ‘i guess’ maybe you should just sit down and talk to her, let her know you’re in full support mode and you want to know what is okay and what is not okay to talk about.

Try bringing it up slowly, make a few jokes, ask her if she’s going to get her hair cut soon, ask her how many tegan&sara wristbands she owns, play a game of ‘would you rather bone…’ and call it a day. I think it’s awesome that you’re not treating her any different than you did before. That’s what I would want. 

You’re the best. <3

Kristin Says:

Ooooook.  Now that Dannielle has finally stopped virtually making out with you, Anonymous, I am ready to also answer your question.  #getaroomyoutwo

The way you act toward your friend should be however you acted toward her the day before she told you she loved kissing girls.  If you all used to talk about ball sacs and vibrators and who had the better set of abs, then just change balls to vaginas…and you are all good! 

If you feel that your initial reaction may have been a little hesitant or weird, just let her know that you support her, and if she ever wants to compare notes on making girls swoon, you are totally game.  Otherwise, just keep your friendship as it was before, and let the gay-talk come into conversation naturally. The only thing NOT to do is to morph into that guy who finds out his friend is a lesbian and then all of a sudden starts talking about girls asses all the time while elbowing said lesbian and saying, “RIGHT RIGHT, YOU LIKE GIRLS SO AMIRITE?!”

We believe in you. You are doing great.

Dannielle Says:

I mean, really?! Calmmmm Downnnn. I’m literally friends with all but one of my exes. Girls do this thing where they get supes attached to whoever they’re boning. Then when it’s over, you’ve created this life with someone else. You have emotional attachments that go far beyond ‘we boned for a year and now i’m annoyed by your feet smell’ 

Don’t worry about it. Unless she’s like ‘i mean, i’m still in love with my ex and if she asks me out again i’ll totally leave you for her’ …i guess you could totally worry in that case… OTHERWISE, calm down. I, literally, talk to at least one ex per day… 

Girls have a lot of feelings and when we share those feelings, that means someone has a piece of us. We can’t just ignore them after it’s all over.

Honestly, when I meet someone who isn’t friends with any of their exes, I’m like ‘uh oh, this much be a crazy bitch’*

Relationships are about trust, trust her.

*jaykayyalls** 

**notreallykiddingjustdontwannagetkilledbycrazybitches

Kristin Says:

I have never, ever understood the concept of completely cutting your ex out of your life, unless you broke up because they cheated on you or killed your cat.  It’s like, if you spent months or years with someone, shared really intimate things, went on trips, laughed and cried together, etc etc etc…how does it make any sense to say, ‘Now that we aren’t touching each other’s vaginas, we really shouldn’t talk at all.’

Obviously, there is a span of time where you have to mend wounds and get to a place where you can hang out without getting angry or sad or sexy.  Once you have moved on, though, keeping a friendship just makes sense to me.  I LIVE with an ex-girlfriend of mine, and she is my best friend on planet Earth.  I just got back from a trip to see the family of another one of my exes, because we are all very close and shared wonderful times together.  That shit doesn’t go away, and it is a shame when we let it all go in the name of ‘breaking up.’ 

You should not be worried.  Deep breath.

Dannielle Says:

I mean, straight up, NO YOU ARE NOT WRONG.

I can tell you right now if I was dating someone who was like ‘you have to get rid of janet’ I’d be like ‘orly?! and I would immediately change my facebook relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’ b/c like THAT IS MY CAT…

I think I just got too emotional. The fact of the matter is, you love Billy, Billy has been with you forevs and the person you want to spend the rest of you life with will be the kind of person that begs you no to get a dog sitter while you’re out of town b/c she wants to be the one to take care of him. People and their pets are a strange thing. They’re like our children. If Billy was your 6 year old son and your boo was like ‘I don’t really like him’ you would, without hesitation, be like ‘WELL I DON’T LIKE YOU! YOU’RE MEAN AND YOU SMELL LIKE OLD SHOES!’ …. or something.. That’s what I would say at least.

Go with your gut, your inside feelings, your heart. You know what you wanna do deep down…so, do it.

Kristin Says:

FUCK THAT SHIT.  I WILL MOVE IN WITH YOU AND BILLY.

I don’t typically begin my answers with caps when Dannielle has already maxed out the caps quota, but this is about your pet and I cannot believe that your girl does not understand the relationship that you have with your dog.  It is a completely unreasonable thing to ask you to get rid of Billy.  I don’t like your girlfriend.  THERE. I SAID IT.

If there is any possibility that your boo doesn’t understand how close you are to your pet, that is your first order of business.  Explain to her that you cannot be asked to choose between two things that you care about very deeply.  If she doesn’t get it, then just tell her that Billy never asked you to choose, so she can hit the pavement.

PS: Dannielle is sitting behind me and was like, ‘Tell her I will move in with her,’ and I was like, “I ALREADY SAID I WOULD,’ and she was like, ‘FINE I HATE YOU,’ and then we ate sweet potato fries.  In case you were curious.