everyone is gay

Dannielle Says:

OMG YOU ARE SO CUTE I CAN’T HANDLE YOU, COME HERE AND HUG ME NOW. 

anyway… the best way to handle stuff like this is to make the people who are being assfarts feel dumb. If I were in your situation and someone said something bitchy to me i would fake laugh really hard and loud and make everyone super uncomfortable. BC if they’re like ‘what, are you gay or something?!’ and then you’re like “HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH” and then you just stop and look at them like ‘really?’ and then turn and walk away, people will laugh at them, they will feel dumb and they will probably not do it again. 

Or if someone wrote “faggot” next to my name i would add “s are awesome” and then point and be like ‘WHO WROTE THAT’ when I clearly just wrote it… 

I deal with everything through humor. If you don’t, the best thing you can do is look at the guy who says something and just say ‘seriously?’ and then shake your head at him, b/c he’s acting like a child.

High schoolers can be such assholes when they’re self-conscious. They take it out on everyone around them to feel better about themselves. Keep doing what you’re doing. You’re the fucking best and those jerks are not even half as cool as you are. I hope you get super famous and win an oscar, then in your speech you thank the dumb jocks that treated you like shit for making you realize it doesn’t matter what other people think. 

Kristin Says:

Dannielle and I come from a very similar deal-with-assholes-through-humor camp…so that is also the approach I would suggest that you take.  My process would be to think of as many stereotypes related to the assholes, and keep them in your vault for future conflicts.  Robert Difasio elbows his pal Joe Bruno and says, ‘Check out that musical fag!’  You turn around and say, ‘I know, check me OUT right?  Dude likes musicals, dude must like other dudes.  Same way you must both love to dip your balls in marinara sauce.’  Then, you turn on your heels and walk to class.

Ultimately, this isn’t about the assholes.  This is about you, and how you feel walking down the halls in your high school.  You are obviously incredibly talented if you are playing the lead in Phantom of the Opera, and I am certain that within the theater department you have a whole gaggle of people who support you in all the things that make you who you are.  The people who do theater are aware that their ability to perform does not determine their sexuality, so it is much easier for them to allow room for people who sing and like members of the opposite sex.  Focus your energy on the people who love and support you, and keep doing what you do best.  

The assholes may not leave you alone, but they are the ones who are going home at night and wondering why the fuck they are such huge assholes all the time.  I know it is hard to believe, but when you respond to them or their actions in a way that says, “Are you for real?”…it affects them.  They have brains and hearts and most of them likely have no fucking clue why they even CARE about what you are doing.  Remind yourself every day that the reason they are cruel is because they are weaker than you are, and the hurt that they carry goes much deeper (so deep that most of them aren’t aware that it is even there).  The more deeply we all understand that, the easier it is for us to walk with our heads held high, and to even uncover compassion for the fact that their insides are so completely confused and tangled.

Dannielle Says:

I have been literally thinking about this FOR DAYYSSSS. It’s like, what DO YOU DO?!?! B/c if you like someone, and you go on a date with them, you just keep up the talking. You say ‘i wanna hang out with you again’ or ‘when can i see you next’ or ‘i think you’re pretty’ or ‘i wanna bone your face off’ … maybe not the last one. BUT LIKE FEELINGS ARE SO DELICATE. 

To be completely honest, I would let the next hang out be something super casual and maybe in a group. If you have mutual friends (which, since you said blind date, i’m assuming you do), don’t INVITE HER b/c then it will feel like a date, but do say ‘hey are you coming to rachel’s party?’ (you guys i said that b/c my friend rachel is having her bday party tonight and i’m NOT AT ALL CREATIVE)…If you have nothing like that coming up. I guess you’ll never see her again. JAYKAY. 

I suggest something like ‘i really want to see ‘tangled 3d’ but all my other friends think i’m dumb, you in?’ …like kind of suggest the word ‘friend’…or text her ‘can we be best friends?’ or something. You have to throw the word ‘friend’ out if that’s all you’re looking for, or else you’ll string her along…i mean, she’s probably feeling what you’re feeling, a connection is usually pretty mutual. you know?

IF YOU DIDNT BONE OR EXCHANGE RINGS YOU ARE GOING TO BE FIIIIIINE. 

Kristin Says:

See…here is the thing about how my brain works.  If you and I had gone on a blind date, and I thought you were really into me, but you were like, ‘Shit, I don’t want to bone this girl,’ but then you called me and were  like, ‘Yo are you going to Rachel’s party?’ …I would translate that immediately into you wanting to bone me.

Does that make sense? #iautomaticallyassumehangingoutmeansboning

I think that SOME of us have a tendency to hear what we want to hear, unless specifically told otherwise.  So.  I feel like their are a few options that still leave room for clarity…like, ‘Hey, since that dumb dating idea didn’t work out, do you want to go check out that new movie with The Rock in it?’ 

…that is a really dumb idea.

{sighs heavily}

If you want my honest-to-moses opinion, just see her the next time your paths cross.  Don’t worry so much about initiating a FRIENDS ONLY hangout…that shit always gets confusing.  If she calls you and wants to hang, be like, ‘Oh yeah, my girl Alicia wants to check that art exhibit out, too, mind if we both join?’  If there is no way that your paths will ever cross again and you really want to be friends with this lady, then just do like Dannielle suggests and say the word friend a lot, and also don’t do dumb things like tell her she looks nice, play with her hair, or bone her.

Kristin Says: you will be correct until december 17th

Dannielle would prolly say: she fucking NEVER shuts up about her goddamn birthday. JAYKAY YALLS, i’m not angry, just excited to use all of my money to buy her a pony.

——————————————

So, we’ve been doing this thing recently where Kristin will answer formsprings when she has some time and I will do it when I have time. 

We answer for ourselves and then how WE THINK the other person would answer. It’s pretty much been making me LOL all over the place, so, while we don’t have the time to both answer them the way we used to, I wanted to draw your attention to the fact that you should still be all up in our business. 

FORMSPRING US FOR INACCURATE BUT ENTERTAINING ANSWERS!!

~D

p.s. Kristin’s bday is coming up… in case she hasn’t told you guys…

Dannielle Says:

Let me tell you a story… 

LONG LONG AGO.. jaykay you guys. Kristin and I have this friend who has two childrenz. One is a two year old boy and one is a new baby girl. NOW bf babygirl came along, lil boy was all ‘yo dad, i want a stroller for my bday’ and dad was like ‘HAHA, no that shits for girls’ and mom was like ‘i’m sorry wha? sooo… you’re a girl when you push him around in the stroller?’ and the next day dad came home with a stroller and a doll for baby boy… and babyboy is happy. So is everyone else. 

Toys, colors, tv shows, movie genres, clothes, jobs, even feelings…EVERYTHING is boys vs. girls. It’s mad annoying and has nothing to do with the fact that you’re a total gaywad. I’m sure it feels like things are directed a little toward you, but give your fam the benefit of the doubt. They want little girls to play with barbies and little boys to play with fire trucks b/c we are all raised to think EXACTLY how your family is thinking. 

When it comes down to it, who cares why they’re doing it?! If you’re noticing it and it’s making you uncomfortable, you should speak up. HOWEVZ, this isn’t your kid, so you have to have certain boundaries. Talk to your cousin’s parent(s) first and be like ‘i’ve noticed the fam does THIS THING, do you mind if i ask them to stop’… b/c you can’t try to raise someone else’s kid, you know? BUT LIKE throwing kids into these intense stereotypes before their skulls have fully formed to cover their entire tiny brains is part of why the world is so whacked, you know? Don’t feel like you’re being too sensitive. 

It’s an annoying and shitty thing that people do and you have every right to speak up about it. GET DOWN ON IT. 

Kristin Says:

This. Shit. Makes. Me. Insane.

This is literally the focus that I had during my first two years of graduate work;  I have spent countless hours watching children’s television and taking copious notes on how everything from Hannah Montana to cartoon mice on “Nick, Jr” enforce gender roles before kids can even say the words ‘blue’ and ‘pink.’  It terrifies the shit out of me, and it should terrify the shit out of you, too, because this gender-stereotyping has a very large hand in homophobia.  You are not wrong in connecting the two, and you are not wrong in wanting to say something.

Dannielle is right: your family likely has no idea what they are saying.  The only thing that I don’t completely agree with is talking to the kids’ parents first, because you are simply bringing something that you feel is important to everyone’s attention.  You don’t need permission to express your concern.  My advice would be to approach your relatives from a caring and understanding place, where you are not harsh or judgemental about things of which they may have been completely unaware. 

I once caught my mom, at a family garage sale, peddling a Pinnocio cup to a tiny boy over The Little Mermaid cup he had chosen, saying, ‘You probably want this one, though, because The Little Mermaid is for girls!’  I took a moment to squelch the raging beast of death within my chest, and I approached her after the little boy had left.  I explained to her what I had heard, and why I felt that words like these had the power to, brick by brick, build some serious walls of hatred.  She was completely understanding and shocked that she hadn’t thought of this herself…and she now tries a lot harder to notice these patterns in her own actions and the actions of others.

Hopefully, they will understand.  If they are unable to hear you and they challenge your words, do me a favor and write to us again.  I feel exceptionally strongly about this issue, and I think it would be worthy of a follow-up with some additional talking points.

BLAM.

Dannielle Says: 

I mean, you absolutely should not stay with someone you can’t hold a conversation with. Can you really imagine yourself metaphorically walking down the aisle with someone you can’t even have a simple convo about 30 ROCK with?? 

It’s like, I can name a million (thats too many it would take too long) girls who would have already started to learn sign language from the internet. I mean, has she not see Seasons 4-6 (aka the ‘forgettable years’) of the L Word? BETTE WAS ALL OVER THAT SHIT. I know for a FACTTTTTTT I would be, too. Sit her down and have a serious heart to heart. She needs to know that you don’t see your relaysh going very far without a little compromise.  

YOU GUYS… Relationships are all about open&honest communication, this includes everything from “can you pass me that vitamin water” to “you hurt my feelings when you said my calves were fat” to “there’s a booger in your nose” to “i used to date someone who treated me like shit and sometimes i get weird, i’m sorry” 

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship if you don’t communicate. ImpossibOHOHOHle impossibOHOHOHle impossibOHOHOHle impossible. (via shontelle) 

Kristin Says:

Wait wait wait wait WAIT.  You wrote her a letter and she said you were ‘just being pathetic’?! Fuck that bitch. No, seriously. FUCK. THAT. BITCH.

The fact that she told you to ‘learn how to speak,’ and has not taken any sort of proactive role in ensuring that you will be able to communicate is, in my book, near-to-unforgiveable.  I say ‘near-to-unforgiveable’ because I just want to make sure that you have had an open and honest dialogue with her where you have expressed how important it is to you that she begin to learn sign language.  It sounds like you have already done that, and it sounds like she is too wrapped up in her own bullshit to hear what you are saying.

Your inability to hear shouldn’t stop anyone, including Bette Porter*, from boning you all over while signing to you that you have the hottest body this side of {insert landmark near you}. 

Her inability to listen, however, is a fucking deal breaker.

*I just had to make the L word reference, even though Dannielle already did…so, please forgive me.

Dannielle Says: 

I mean, if you’re on your way to recovery, let it happen. Just do what you gotta do and fuck what everyone else thinks or says. You’re working toward living the best and happiest life you could possibly live, and that’s fucking awesome. They should want to support your balls off, you know? If you feel comfy enough, you should just tell them the truth.

If you still want to go out and seem carefree and get down with your ‘bad self’ and drink and flirt, go for it. BUT when it comes down to it you have to DO YOU. (ala jersey shore)… If your friends are giving you a hard time and you don’t feel like letting them in on what’s up, just be like ‘nah, man, i’m done with that. I’m looking for real love now’ and then start to sing ‘TEENAGE DREAM’ via Katy Perry as loud as possible. Just explain to them you’re ready to grow up and meet someone you wanna spend a ton of time with. Tell them you want a boo, someone you call when you’re sad, send goofy pix to when you’re laughing, fall asleep next to, cook dinner with, watch bad movies with, yell at for no reason, share clothes with, you want the whole she-bang (see what i did there?)… 

That’s prolly what I would do if I were in your sitch, but honestly, you could totally get away with a ‘eh, i don’t really feel like being a slut anymore’ 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing.  Having an addiction to anything is unhealthy, regardless of whether that addiction is to sex, alcohol, sweets, or drawing the outline of Drew Barrymore’s face on your notebooks.  You are trying to change a pattern in your life, and that pattern is so ingrained that you have sought out a program to help you make that change.  People sometimes treat addictions that are not related to alcohol or drugs with a little less severity because it’s really easy to be like, “I meannnn, so you want to have 17 orgasms a day, WHO DOESN’T?!”  Just because your addiction is to sex doesn’t make it any less intense than other addictions, and definitely doesn’t make your efforts to change any easier.  

If your friends go out and take ladies home all the time, it might be a wise decision to spend less time with them, especially in that environment.  You should be able to explain to them that you are struggling, and that it is hard for you to go out into the same scene without stumbling and making bad decisions.  The friends who truly care about you will say, “Hey, that’s totally cool.  I am still going to go out and bang some ladies on Friday, but how about we go get fake tattoos and overdose on Swedish fish at the movies on Saturday?”  

You’re friendships should not need to revolve around a tally of naked girls.  The marker of a good friend is one that will allow you to continue to grow and accept new sides of yourself, and if your current friends cannot do this, it would be wise to find friends who will.

As far as being supergay goes, you can be as gay as Elton John wearing a dress made out of Lady Gaga’s eyelashes and still not have sex with different ladies every night of the week.  Whoever told you that a marker of being gay is having tons of sex was probably just lying to get you to bone them a bunch, because that is 100% incorrect.  Either that or you are getting your facts from Pope Benedict XVI.

Dannielle Says:

Aw, look at you! Tryna do the right thing!! I appreciate you. 

If you know where he lives, why not send him a card or a letter?? Just to say you’re sorry slash you hope he’s doing well, if you could take it back you would, you know that what your friends said was 100% wrong…that kind of thing. 

OR EDIBLE ARRANGEMENTS. FRUIT SHAPED LIKE FLOWERS YOU GUYS, GOOD FOR ALL OCCASIONS. 

I think no matter what you do, whether you decide to show up at his house, send him a letter or drop by his workplace…he’s going to appreciate the gesture. Don’t expect him to forgive and forget so quickly and easily, but it’ll happen. PLUS you won’t believe how good it will make him feel to have an apology from you. You’re doing the right thing and it makes me want to squeeze your guts out (like with a strong hug, you guys). 

Kristin Says:

Write him a letter.  

Some might say speaking to someone in person about this is the most effective way, but I disagree.  If I had been that fifteen year old boy, and you came up to me and told me how sorry you were, I think I would be a giant mess of mixed emotion, and I would probably just sputter out something like, “Oh, yeah.  Whatever.  Thanks.”  Then, you would leave and I would feel like an idiot, and I would feel angry, and I would feel a hundred other things that I wouldn’t ever be able to share with you…because re-opening the moment would seem to difficult.  

I am sure that this boy has an incredible amount of emotion connected with that time in his life.  Acknowledging that you are remorseful for your actions in a letter will allow him the chance to read your words in his own time, and digest them on several levels before deciding how to respond, if he responds at all.

What Dannielle said is correct, regardless of his response to your efforts, it will move him that you took the time to tell him that you are sorry.  Also, when we apologize to someone, we are not only helping to heal them, we are also helping to heal ourselves.  

Thanks for finding the strength to realize that you have the ability to change.

Dannielle Says:

Annoying city, population your GIRLF. 

you know?

Anyway, all you can really do is be like ‘i’m over talking about work’ … i know, that’s my solution to everything. “blah blah blah my name is dannielle blah blah stupid stuff, talk about it blah”… If I were you I’d probably make a list of things to talk about other than work and bring it up in a bitchy way… like if she was talking about ROLFE getting COFFEE on the REPORTS. I would be like ‘remember skateboarding?’ and she’d be confused and then I’d yelll ‘I HATE YOU AND YOUR STUPID JOB’ and I’d start crying and I’d slam the door and watch re-runs of full house.. 

That’s an exaggeration, but I really would make list and hand it to her and say ‘tonight, i want to talk about anything but work, I already went to work today, now I want to be at home, with my boo, talking about dumb shit and laughing at bad tv, cool?’

and she’ll be all “YOU CALLED ME BOOO?!?!” and then you’ll make out hard core. 

basically…

Kristin says:

For some reason, when I read Dannielle’s answer, I imagined that I had been talking about my job non-stop, and that she (Dannielle) was my girlfriend.  I would like to tell you that, if your girlfriend is anything like me, you might want to shimmy over a teensy bit toward the sensitivity boat.  In my imaginary world, Dannielle told me she didn’t want to talk about work, handed me a list, I was totally shocked, I burst into tears, and then she told me I was dumb.  So like, DON’T LET THAT HAPPEN TO YOU.

It isn’t that I am disagreeing with Dannielle, per se, I am just telling you that it will be better for everybody if a) your girlfriend never sees that Dannielle called her annoying, and b) you approach her with a sweet loving compassionate attitude. Your lady is talking about work all the time because she is SO EXCITED about everything, and it is all new and shiny.  She probably doesn’t realize that she is talking about it all day and night…you know?  

Here is the way to approach a person of the Kristin-variety with ultimate success: Pull her really close to you and kiss her face, then smile and tell her that you love her, and then be like, “Baby girl, you are the cutest and I love how excited you are about your new job.  I really do want to hear all about it, but lately I feel like we never have time left to talk about anything else.  I want to be super supportive of you, so maybe we can figure out a way where you can tell me some work stories, but I can also feel like we have room to talk about other things?” 

I am a giant baby, you guys.  I need to be swaddled in love while being told that I am a loudmouth.  #dealwithit

Dannielle Says:

Try “Hey ex-boyfriend, with whom I’m still pretty good friends, just because I’m a lesbian, that doesn’t mean our relationship was a mistake. I didn’t know when we were together that I was gay, but this isn’t a choice.”

See what I did there?? … Srsly you guys, most things in life are as simple as talking to the person and explaining exactly how you feel. If he doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get it, but that’s not your fault. Being in love with a girl now, doesn’t erase the fact that you were in love with a boy back in the day. The same way having a new girlf doesn’t erase the fact that you totes hearted your last girlf. People are people, regardless of gender, you were with him b/c you cared about him and you both love Rachel McAdams…but like… now you can talk about boning her instead of just her acting ability. you know?

You don’t have any control over his reaction, but if you’re as honest and open with him as you were with us, he should be fine. 

GO GET ‘EM TIGER (sorryisaidthat)

Kristin Says:

Okay, okay…listen here, Captain Gay-Gene.  The first thing that has to be clarified, is that this is not a debate about whether you were born with a tiny Tegan and Sara imprint on your left paw, or if you made the “choice” to have relationships with people of varying genders.  We get sooooo carried away in this country with arguing, “THIS WASN’T MY CHOICE SO BACK OFF,” but, what if it fucking was my choice?  What if Dannielle feels she were born gay and I feel like I choose to date women?  Does that make my life less coherent than Dannielle’s, or any less valid?

I know you just want a way to tell your boyfriend that his penis is just fine, and that you value the relationship that you had together.  As Dannielle illustrated earlier, you can simply say those things, exactly as you worded them above.  You don’t have to tell him that it is only the fault of your DNA that you don’t want to rub up against his man boobs anymore…it shouldn’t matter why.  Things change, clouds move, colors renew, and other various lyrics from Rent.  Okay?  

My reason for getting all fiery in the above tangle of words is this: when we argue that being gay isn’t our choice, we are also implicitly stating that if we could choose, we would choose to be straight.  For some of us, that might be true…but for those of us who believe that we should be free to love and kiss on whoever’s face we want, that can be a pretty hurtful claim.

Dannielle Says: 

I mean… ‘you’re so pretty’ … YOU’RE SO PRETTY?!?! YOU’RE.SO.PRETTY?!?!?!!!! This is what she says to you?!?! Not like, ‘i love your eyes’ or ‘i think you’re special’ or ‘dinner was awesome’ she says ‘YOU’RE SO PRETTY’ 

…I made a big deal out of that for no reason. It’s actually kind of cute.

Here’s what you can do:

1. Handsome is an awesome word. I fucking love it when bitches (my friends) call me handsome.
2. Specifics, instead of ‘you’re hot’ or ‘you’re pretty,’ try ‘i wanna put my boner in your eye color’ or ‘i love your body’ or ‘i’m pretty sure my face belongs in that place between your neck and your shoulder’
3. a good ole fashion ‘YOU ARE’ after a compliment always does the body good
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST. 
4. you just whisper ‘shut up’ and throw her against something. 

YOU’RE WELCOME. 

Kristin Says:

Listen.  I know this is scary, but I find that the most wonderful things happen when you say exactly what you are thinking.  If she says ‘you look pretty,’ and the first thing you think to say back is, ‘you taste like root beer barrel candy,’ that might seem weird…but, trust me, someone said that to me once and I instantly melted into a pile of sexy rainbows.  

Don’t be afraid to say what you are feeling in the moment.  Even if all you wind up squeaking is, “I never know how to tell you that you are gorgeous because I want to say it in a way that makes you understand…and…” {insert embarrassed look}, that is pretty much the most adorable thing on the planet, and if you said that to me I would kiss your entire face.  You know?

If all else fails, follow Dannielle’s Rule #4.  Telling people to shut up and then throwing them up against things blows “you’re handsome” out of the motherfucking water.

Dannielle Says:

OH GOD WHYYYYY. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST. 

One of my super closies (who I totally dated b/c that’s how lesbians do) had to go through this, i think, TWICE IF NOT MORE in her life. ##sheneverlearns …Also, I will prolly get in trouble for posting this BUT WHATEVS.

Basically it’s the worst thing in the world, but you can’t ignore it. You can’t just pretend everything is okay. If you dont wanna be with her, you don’t wanna be with her and if you try to fake it, you’re both going to be totes mizzy (totally miserable). If you have a solid friend crew and your girlf is a crazy, then talk to one or two of your friends and be like ‘whatshernuts is gonna kick me out and i’m gonna need a floor to crash on’ but if she’s a cool girl, maybe you could awkwardly live on the couch for a while. 

Since you’re doing the breaking, i feel like you need to be the one who’s like ‘i will go somewhere else if i need to’…bc if you were like ‘i dont like you anymore, find somewhere else to live’…that would be so shitty… you know? SO MANY ELLIPSES. Anyway, you know what you need to do, it just sucks to do it. Sometimes things have to suck for a while. 

Kristin Says:

Dannielle wasn’t referring to me earlier, but I have been in a similar position…TWICE.  The first time I was 21 and dumb as shit, and the second time I was 27 and a little less dumb as shit.  Accordingly, let me tell you what made the “little-less-dumb” experience slightly more bearable.

Prepare for the next few months in advance.  You do not want to be sharing the same bed with her for the next several months.  The best thing would be to line up a string of friends to stay with over the next few months; as hard as it is to be uprooted from your home, it’s nothing compared to sharing a bed with someone whose heart you have just broken.  Trust me.  (This is why it is a really good idea to make yourself lots of musician friends.  They go on tour, and you have a place to hide from the disaster that is your life.  You know?)

If you can figure out an alternative crash-pad, then sit her down and talk to her.  Explain to her the reasons why you can’t remain in the relationship, and that you have figured out some options so that you won’t have to be crying all over each other in bed every night until June.  It will still suck.  She will be hurt, and you will feel awful, but having the ability to get away from each other is necessary to heal.

If you can’t figure out another place to rest your head, then I would still talk to her.  The difference is that, rather than being like, “Yo, I can’t do this anymore. Boom. Singletown,” I would let her know that you are unhappy in the relationship and you aren’t sure that you want to remain living together after your lease is up.  Sleep on the couch as much as possible, and try to have compassion for her feelings while still being firm in your choices.  Don’t hook up with people until you are out of the apartment.  Be respectful, and remind yourself every day that you just have to make it through until the summer….and that you are now part of a very large club of lesbians who know understand where the term “living hell” originated.

I am not sure of the specifics of your relationship, but in case this applies…in the future, please abide by the following rule: DO NOT MOVE IN WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND UNTIL YOU HAVE BEEN DATING MORE THAN TWO YEARS OR ARE ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED.

Dannielle Says:

First of all…I have like 19 (read: 4) friends named LAUREN,  and I don’t want to think of anyone being Lauren-sexual because ew (read: eeeeeeeeee). So thanks for making me squeak in a public place (i’m in a cafe right now). Today is a day for using parentheses… 

We all have to have an epic-heartbreaking-breathtaking-screamcrying straight girl crush/love once or twice in our lives. It’s just inevitable. You can do a couple of things with your feelings. You can ignore them and appreciate the flirting. You can talk to her and say ‘boners or none, i want your heart’… or something. You can talk to her best friends and know full-well they’re telling her all your thoughts, but pretending like you both don’t know that she knows you know she knows… you know?

There are a thousand things you can do, but when it comes down to it, you can’t force her to fall in love with you. I mean, i’m a hopeless romantic, and I want to tell you to show up at her door and say “who cares if i’m girl, let me take you out” then you hand her some blue/yellow/orange carnations and she jumps on the back of your vespa. You guys ride to chipotle and eat the best fucking burrito you’ve ever had. You LOL all night long and make out really hard core while listening to Colbie Caillat… but who knows if that’s how it’ll all go down. 

You have to follow your heart on this one, don’t let her jerk you around by your balls. If it gets to be too intense and you can’t eat b/c the thought of her makes you want to throw up (in a good way) you have to tell her how it is (aka all or nothing via o-town). Sometimes, you just have to go with it, you have to let yourself feel amazing things and be ok with the fact that those feeling won’t be reciprocated. It’s like, if we didn’t have these feelings Dashboard Confessional and Say Anything wouldn’t have anything to sing about. 

Kristin Says:

I agree with all of what Dannielle says, but I also think she totally wants to bone you. 

Also, I feel it would be a sin to not comment on the fact that you hugged her after a marching band performance.  Please, dear god, tell me that she is in the marching band, and that she was wearing a square hat with a tiny brim and a little rope with a tassle or something.  PLEASE TELL ME THAT.

Here’s the thing.  Fake flirting is flirting, and texts like that mean she has thought about it.  It doesn’t mean she will DO anything, but…the possibility is definitely there.  One of my more epic straight crushes told me once, years after the crush had been put to rest, that she had thought about just rolling over in bed and putting her mouth on mine.  Translation: If I had taken action on any of the manymanymany nights I had thought about rolling over and kissing her, she would have kissed me back and probably let me touch her boobs.  Now, I don’t think much more would have happened and I think she would still have dated the boys she dated, and my heart probably would have been demolished.  HOWEVER, I would have gotten to kiss her and touch her boobs.  So.  You have to weigh the options, here.

If you need to kiss those lips, then slowly up the flirting and see what happens…and make sure you move in for the sleepover.  A few sleepovers in she’ll be like, “OMG when Brad used to spoon me it was so dumb,” and you’ll be like, “OMG HAHAHA SHOW ME HOW HE DID IT,” and then she’ll show you and you’ll laugh, and then you’ll tell her that you are a much better spooner and you’ll show her.  Add another handful of sleepovers and stir, and you may have yourself a merry little makeout.  You just have to be aware that you are putting your heart on the oldest wooden roller coaster in the amusement park…

Dannielle Says:

I know exactly how your girlfriend feels. 

I’m basically in the same situation. The only difference is my situation takes place in the future…after my lady eggs have been turned into fake sperm and impregnated Katy Perry…So, I guess it’s a little different. OH and we have twins not triplets… 

Anyway…here’s the thing about hormones, girls have them, other girls feed off them, everyone is hormonal at once… you know?

It’s like, when we’re 15 and our parents are like ‘no, you can’t go to timmy’s party, the cops have busted his parties three times in the past 6 months and we’re not taking any chances’ and we’re like ‘STAY OUT OF MY LIFE YOU WON’T LET ME DO ANYTHING’ …they think they’re being rational and we think they’re just being douchebags… Your gf isn’t being a douchebag, she’s trying really hard to do whats right, but she doesn’t have 15 babies inside her, so she doesn’t REALLY know what’s right…you know? AAAND she prolly wants you to think she knows what she’s doing. 

Truth is, she’s probably scared shitless because right now every thing that means anything to her is a piece of you. Her lover, her best friend, her family, her children, her future, her past, her present, her heart…it’s all you. AND IF ANYTHING happened to you, it would all be gone. in an instant. That shit is terrifying. 

So, she’s acting like a controlling idiot. You’re crying because the ice cream/pickle combo doesn’t taste as good as you thought it would, the babies are kicking, she has to go to work, Bravo isn’t working and it’s a REAL HOUSEWIVES MARATHON, your mom won’t stop calling, her cousin and his new girlfriend are staying over this weekend, someone left the bathroom sink running, and now everyone is crying. 

Everything is super intense right now. You’re both girls, you’re good at talking about your feelings ##stereotype, so do that. Sit down your boo and be like ‘here’s the thing, i’m feeling overwhelmed and i need you to just let things flow for a while’…explain that you appreciate everything, but you’re getting stressed out to the max and it’s giving you heartburn.. you know? Set aside one or two nights a week where the two of you just chill out and watch a movie or read EVERYONEISGAY.COM all night. Just relax so there isn’t really a chance to control everything. Just live life and realize how GD lucky you two are.

This has been ADVICE FROM THE FUTURE LIFE OF DANNIELLE OWENS-REID-PERRY MARRIED TO KATY PERRY-OWENS-REID. Thank you.

Kristin Says:

Whoa.  The future Dannielle Owens-Reid-Perry is fucking smart, you guys. 

If the way that your girlfriend is acting toward you only started when you ate three babies for breakfast, it is definitely a response to the fact that…holy fucking shit, you guys are going to go from being two to FIVE in just a few months.  That is a lot to process, both as the mom carrying them and as the mom standing by her girl as she carries them…

Finding a time to have a level-headed, calm talk with your lady is the only way to go.  The talk, however, shouldn’t just be about what you need (which I am sure you know).  It should instead be about what you both need in order to make it through the next few months.  Dannielle has definitely covered your ‘holy-fuck-I-have-three-babies-inside-of-me-CALM-THE-EFF-DOWN’ side of things, and that is a very important part of your discussion.  The most important thing, though, is that your girl has the ability to contribute equally.  Ask her how she is feeling.  Tell her that you know how scary this all is, and that you want to work as a team so that you both remain strong and able to continue helping and supporting each other.  Even though you are the one carrying the infant trifecta, she is still going to need someone to hold her when she gets overwhelmed…and that is going to have to be your elephant-self.

The best thing you can both aim for is a balance.  She needs to work harder at keeping her calm, and keeping you calm.  You should also work at taking a deep breath when she falters.  In those instances, try to stop the shouting in its tracks by saying, “Wait.  You don’t have to shout at me.  I know you are so stressed and I know you love me, but I promise it is all going to be okay. You need to trust me.  Now, please come here and hug all of us?” It won’t work every time, and you may need to have another talk, but focusing on how much love you have for each other in those shaky moments will definitely help.

Lastly, congratulations, and good luck to all six of you.  That’s you, her, the babies, and your vagina.