everyone is gay

Dannielle Says:

COMMA WHAAAAAAAAAT!?!?!

Do you realize you can still have kids? and a wedding?

It’s like, for some reason you just made me mad. BUT ITS OKAY I AM OVER IT.

There is absolutely no reason you should feel like you’re letting your mom down. If you dropped out of high school b/c you were too strung out on multiple drugs to make it to class, and you killed a bunch of people and called your mom fat and then kicked a kitten…THEN you could feel like you let your mom down. BUT YOU, MY TINY GAY FRIEND, you are amongst the luckiest of us. 

You get to fucking live your life and love who you love and be who you want to be and wear what you want to wear and your mother will proudly stand beside you and say “that’s my baby!”

One day you’ll introduce your mom to the love of your life and she’ll cry later because she’s never seen you so  happy. She will watch you walk down the aisle and stand in the waiting room when your first child is born. She is already 100% behind you, so the best thing you can do is show her how much you love and appreciate her by being yourself and being the wonderful, caring and open individual she raised. 

Hit it.

#insertlipsyncing

Kristin Says:

Well, you are correct on two points…very, very specific points: your mom will never get a grandkid made from the DNA of you and your boo-to-be and she will likely never see you walk down the aisle of a Catholic church.  Dannielle is right, though, weddings still happen and so do babies (if you want those things) —- and hopefully by the time you get to that place in your life, you will realize that your happiness is what makes a wedding ceremony and a baby into a family, not specific combinations of DNA and a hundred-year-old priest reading words out of a Bible.  

That, however, is not your immediate problem.  

It is completely normal to ‘come out’ and then be like, “WTF I FEEL EVEN WORSE NOW AND EVERYTHING SUCKS AND NOTHING IS NORMAL AND NOW WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?” followed by scream-crying.  You’ve lived the last however-many years of your life watching boys and girls get married and have babies.  You may have even imagined yourself doing those things, and your mom probably imagined those things for you as well.  We live in a very heteronormative world (read:being straight is the ‘norm’), and so even though you know you are gay and your mom is still loving on you and being awesome, you don’t feel ‘normal.’

You are normal.  You have feelings and skin and bones and sometimes you sing along to Britney Spears just like everyone else on the planet.  You won’t be able to just ‘stop feeling’ those unsettled rumblings of guilt and weirdness, but you will get more and more comfortable in your skin as you go through life.  If babies are in your plan, one day you will be in love and see a two year old throw his hot dog into the restaurant fish tank, and you will burst out laughing and look at your boo and smile and feel SO EXCITED to one day have a two year old throwing pork products into fish tanks…and it will feel normal and right and wonderful.

Take it day by day, and try to forgive yourself for feeling unsettled…it isn’t your fault, and it isn’t because your mom has some horrible seed of disappointment that she isn’t sharing with you.  It is only because this world is a total lamewad sometimes.

#insertgamewherewebleepoutcursewordswithreallyfunnynoncursewords

Dannielle Says: 

DEAR EVERYONE IN THE WORLD… 

If you are in a relationship and you don’t want to be in that relationship, get out of that relationship. By staying in that relationship you are leading the other person on and making almost certain that you will resent them later. 

Here’s what will happen if you stay in that relaysh…She will still be sad and yell at you sometimes and you will be miserable and constantly feel like you want to break up with her. Then you will explode and be like THIS HASN’T BEEN WORKING FOREVZIES, and she’ll be like YOU HAVEN’T LIKED ME IN FOREVZIES WHY DID YOU KEEP DATING ME, and you’ll be like BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WOULD GO CRAZY… and then shit is REALLY gonna hit the fan. 

Her happiness and sanity DOES NOT and SHOULD NOT be your responsibility. If you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. You can’t help that. You have to be honest. It sounds like, at this point, you really love/care about her. You just have to sit her down and be like ‘i care about you so much, but this isn’t working and i don’t want to do it anymore’ and she’ll freak out (i’m guessing) and you’ll be like ‘i don’t know what you want me to do, would you rather me pretend it’s okay and fucking hate it in reality?’ and that probably won’t solve anything, but you CAN NOT feel like she is your responsibility b/c she’s not. 

Her crazy is all her, dude. After you’ve had the convo and she throws plates at your head and screams ‘DAMN YOU, LUNALOVEGOOD’ #assumingyournameislunalovegood and you run out of the tiny apartment #assumingshehasatinyapartment maybe call one of her friends and be like ‘i know you don’t like me’ #assumingherfriendsdontlikeyou ‘but i think dobby #assuminghernameisdobby really needs you right now’ 

Bottom line: crazy bitches will always be crazy bitches whether or not you’re involved. you gotta ‘do you’ #viajerseyshore or you won’t be happy. and happiness is key, yo.

Kristin Says:

It isn’t a big deal but I just changed Dannielle’s code names to Harry Potter characters in an effort to whore-out for tumblr likes, because you people like anything about Harry Potter.  YOU DO, just admit it.  Also, I chose Dobby to be the girlfriend because he totally has low self-esteem sometimes, but also is totally lovable. Get it?!?!?!

Whatever.  

Anyway, all of the above is true…you break up with someone who has a temper and low self-esteem the same way you would break up with anyone else.  Let me tell you a little something: sometimes I have a REALLY bad temper, and sometimes I have SHITTY self-esteem, and the only thing that makes it worse is when I feel like someone is tip toeing around me so that I don’t ‘go crazy.’  The LAST thing that crazy bitches want (myself included) is to be treated like they are crazy.  The people who have come into my life and have been firm in what they need and want are the people who have helped me gain more confidence in myself, because, after the shit hits the fan…most of us have to pick up those pieces eventually.  Once she gets to the place where she picks up her pieces, she’ll be like, ‘Aw fuck yeah, did you bitches see me pick up those motherfucking pieces or WHAT?!’

She’s going to lose her mind, she’s going to get depressed.  You can’t change that.  Just tell her you respect her, you care about her, and you wish you could make it easier.  Do not call her crazy.  Do not roll your eyes if she tells you she is going to hold her breath until she passes out.  Put a pillow where you think her head might fall and go do what you need to do … there is a very good chance she will thank you for being a grown-up about the whole thing after she is feeling better.

#hermionegranger

Dannielle Says: 

I MEANNNNNN… 

600 Miles. That’s like, a 10 hour drive. 

You can do one of two things. 

1. drive there and figure out whether or not you like her. 

2. not drive there. not figure out whether or not you like her. continue to get bugged about driving there. 

I mean, i guess there are more choices. nothing is really black and white. but having a relationship based primarily on internet and phone is HARD. it’s hard as fuck and it basically will thrive on the moments you can see each other IRL. So, if you want to do this, do it. if you don’t want to do it….don’t do it. 

HERE IS THE THING ABOUT THE THING… if you’re already like ‘ugh’ sometimes and you haven’t even met her…maybe you should re-evaluataysh your relaysh. #ididthatforrhymingpurposes

I fully believe in meeting people on the internet. I know someone who met her husband on the internet and they’ve been married 10 years and have three kids and still make each other LOL. You could have met your soul mate on the internet #kristindoesntbelieveinsoulmates BUT LIKE your soul mate #tryingtomakekristinangry won’t make you go ‘ugh’ before you even meet her. 

Either give her a REAL chance, or get real with whatchu feel ##rhyming.

Kristin Says:

You know what?  Don’t go and meet her.

You already think she likes you way more than you like her, and you are already getting irritated with her without ever having been in the same location…so.  I don’t think you even really like her that much.  I think she probably does some cute things and maybe she shows you her boobs sometimes and like, who doesn’t like cute things and boobs?  The problem is that those things aren’t enough to sustain a relationship, and they certainly aren’t enough to warrant a six hundred mile drive. 

You are going to be annoyed before you even GET there, because it sounds like you already know in your gut that you don’t even want to go.

If, however, you still go because the boobs/cute gets the best of you, the only way it will be a successful trip is if you leave all of the “ughs” behind and allow yourself to experience time with her in the moment.  If you still feel like “UGH,” then just be thankful for the twenty hours of car time that you have to listen to Katy Perry and Ray Charles.  #thosearethealbumsthatdannielleandiwouldhaveinourcar

Dannielle Says: 

I meannnnn. To be totally honest, it’s just going to continue to bug you forevs. So, you should just tell her. 

BUT YOU GUYS IT’S FACEBOOK. 

I understand your POV, for sure. but my immediate reaction when I start dating someone is not ‘i want to kiss her, better take my old pixx off facebook’ … soooooo… Don’t be upset with her BEFORE talking to her about it. If you’re just like ‘here’s the thing, sometimes i look through all your facebook pix b/c you’re really adorable, and it makes me feel weird to see you making out with your exes’ then chances are she’ll be like ‘oh, i didn’t even think about that, haha’ 

unless she’s caught up in a bunch of ex-drama, in which case she’ll be like ‘WHY ARE YOU FREAKING OUT, YOU’RE THE WORST’ and you’ll be like ‘oooookay…’ and you’ll walk away slowly cuz bitch is cray-zay.

Kristin Says:

Is it bad that I think bitch is cray-cray a TEENSY bit already for having pictures of herself making out with tons of ladies all over the place?  I mean, listen.  I am thirty years old and the internet didn’t exist until I was like, already a mother of four or whatever, but I don’t know why you’d have pictures of yourself mashing faces with anyone on Facebook.  If there are a handful of photos of her with an ex where they are smiling and laughing, FINE, but if there is more than one photo posted of her with her mouth attached to another person’s mouth, she needs to CALM DOWN.

None of that really helps you though, so let me try again.  Dannielle is right: it isn’t fair to get upset with her before you talk to her about it, but you should DEFINITELY talk to her about your feelings on the issue.  It doesn’t have to be a sit down talk where everyone has serious faces and you wear all black and there are solemn horns playing in the background (SOLEMN HORNS #hahaha).  Just chat her and be like, ‘Yo, I missed your face and when I signed on to Facebook to see that sweet smile, instead I got to see Anita’s tonsils…what is that all about?!”

She should be like, “WHOA, dude. Apologies. Lemme go fix that and stop being all face-smashed on everyone for all the internet to see.”  If she insists on having her kisspics all over the place, and you aren’t comfortable with it, I’d take a few steps back and look elsewhere for a lady.  You have my vote of confidence on finding that offensive…and there are a shit ton of other girls out there who are super cute and awesome and also discreet about their make-out photos.

Dannielle Says:

first of all..

 GAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Not at the fact that you’re going to have a hard time this holiday season, but at the fact that you said ‘how the piss’ which is THE BEST. I hope you’re british. I love british people (read: lauren glucksman)… ANYWAY. 

What I want to tell you is ‘stand up for yourself’ and ‘tell them to f off’ and ‘MAKE THEM RUE THE DAY THEY EVER FELT HOMOPHOBIC’ but here’s the fact of the matter… When my mom texts me ‘you promised you wouldn’t look like a dyke’ and when I’m not completely sure if the extended family on my dads side even KNOWS I date ladies, and when my dad’s step mom asks me if I found a good church, I just keep quiet. 

Because like, it’s my family, and I can’t yell at them, and I can’t tell them they’re stupid and I can’t look at them like they don’t get it and I can’t laugh in their faces the way i would if they were strangers. 

The best you can do is realize they’re dumb sometimes, but they have good intentions. They don’t get it, but they didn’t grow up forcing themselves not to get it, someone told them being gay was wrong and that’s just what they’ve always known. They love you and they want to have a good christmas, but sometimes OLD PEOPLE DON’T GET IT, you know? 

Don’t be afraid to talk to them, but I know a lot of times someone will just make one small comment and then go on with their lives like it didn’t actually affect anyone. In which case, I say, ignore it. Ignore it, move on, and rip open your presents. If it really bothers you, by all means, yell, yell as loud as you can and storm out dramatically. Leave a mark and make them wish they’d never said anything. 

But the holidays you guys, it’s about spending time with the family you never see and putting up with their crazy. Everyones family is nuts.

Kristin Says:

Listen.  I know that I am blessed to have a family that is (mostly) accepting of who I am, but ALSO, my mom just walked in and was like, “Kristin, can I tell you something?!” and I was like, “I am in the middle of writing a post for today, Mom,” and she was like, “BUT KRISTIN, did I TELL you that yesterday I put my hair clip on the cat’s TAIL and she was so MAD that she hissed and ran around the house and I couldn’t get it OFF OF HER?!” 

My point is this: The holidays are all about traveling to see family with 8 million others people who are dreading the crowds and the undercooked turkey and the dog hair that gets on your jacket, and the questions from grandma about how cute the boys are in the big city…and that is even more unbearable if you have your parents talking about how gay soldiers will lose the war for us because they are too busy painting there nails and talking about Cher. 

Now that we are all clear on that fact, here is my advice.  First, try to find a place where you can go to cool down, or call a friend, or just fucking SCREAM and punch shit when it all gets to be too much. If you have a car, that is the answer.  Get in your car, turn up the radio, drive around the block (unless you are piss drunk and then just sit in the driveway), and do what you need to do to VENT.  The next step is to find the things about your family that you can appreciate, and try to focus the conversation there.  Do you all hate Aunt Betty and think that she secretly makes out with her cat when no one is looking?  TALK ABOUT THAT.

If this is about you changing the minds of your family, then fine, go ahead and put your rainbow flag atop the Christmas tree slash Hannukah bush…but if this is about you getting through the holiday season with a smile on your face, find common ground, find a space where you can decompress when you’ve had too much, and be sure to blast Mariah Carey’s new Christmas song titled “Oh, Santa!” as often and as loud as possible.

I am now going to go find out why my sister is screaming at my father about not wanting to go to church because she feels like she is “in a cult.”

  …Merry Christmas!

Dannielle Says:

THE THING ABOUT THE THING OF THE THING IS… 

I would NOT be comfortable if I were in your sitch. Not because your boo likes ladies, not b/c she wants to spice up the sexi life, but because I wouldn’t want my boo to want to go around boning anyone else. EVER. I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my girl was like ‘I’m just gonna sleep with men b/c I want to explore’ .. it’s like… If you want to be with me, be with me, if you don’t want to be with me, don’t be with me. 

I know, I’m being dramatic. I’ve known couples who sleep with peeps outside of the relaysh and it totally worked for them. I’m just NOT that open. you know? 

And THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS YOUR ANSWER. You… If you’re not cool with it, you’re not cool with it. No amount of mine or kristin’s talking can convince you otherwise. You have to be honest with your wifey and be like ‘i’m totally down to appreciate boobs with you, but i’m not down to hear about the boobs you were appreciating the other night’

If you don’t want an open marriage, that doesn’t make you a bad person or weird or different or controlling… You want what you want. Go with your gut. 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again. 

“You do you, I’ll do me” - Jersey Shore

Kristin Says:

I agree one thousand times one million percent.  It isn’t that I don’t understand your wife’s position, I do.  She got married at a young age and is now learning things about herself that she may not have known years ago, and she may not be able to move forward in a marriage with you until she figures those things out.  That does not mean that it is your responsibility to keep quiet about your own feelings and let her bone ladies on the side.  AT ALL.  

You are not comfortable with what she needs to do to move forward in her own life, it is your responsibility as her husband to tell her that.  I know that there are mountains and rivers of feelings that will go along with all of this (for both of you), but the simplest answer is: tell her that you love her and want to make a life with her, but that you are not comfortable with her sleeping with anyone else while you are still married.  It is possible to understand her feelings and still not be able to give her everything that she needs.

A million things could happen after you have that talk: she might decide that she wants to stay with you and work through things, she may separate from you and bone a lady and hate it and come running back, you might take her back, you might be in love with a new lady, she might fall in love with that lady, YOU JUST CANNOT KNOW.  Try to keep your thoughts on each step as you take it, be as patient as you can, and always, always be honest with yourself and with your wife.

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing. Kristin and I were JUST TALKING ABOUT THIS RECENTLY. I, personally, am not one to wear rainbows and glitter at PRIDE and spend my evenings at the local gay bar shooting bILLIARDS. However, if that’s what you’re into, be into it. 

There is no such thing as being ‘gay enough’ or ‘not gay enough’ or ‘too gay’ … I don’t really like it when people shove anything in my face, it’s like… I get it, you’re gay OR you love the bible OR you know a lot about coffee OR you’ve been to spain twice OR you own a restaurant OR WHATEVER. You know what I mean? You can be successful at doing a certain thing without constantly reminding everyone that you’re doing it. I AM GAY TOO, SO CALM DOWN… is often what runs through my mind when this happens. 

But lets be real, you can also totally wear one article of rainbow clothing everyday b/c you just FUCKING LOVE RAINBOWS. What I’m trying to get at here is, be you and be comfy. If you care about human rights, talk about human rights, if you hate the way your hair looks shaved on one side, don’t shave it on one side. If people think you’re weird b/c you’re not like them, then they suck and they suck hard (thatswhatshesaid).

Life is all about being yourself and being comfortable with that. If you’re like ‘man, isn’t it cool that women can vote’ and your one group of friends all look at you like you’re crazy, just be like ‘srsly, you’re not a little bit happy about that?’ and when your OTHER GROUP OF friends are like ‘why is your hair all one length’ just be like ‘one side of my head looks fatter than the other and i don’t wanna draw attention to that’ 

##rememberwhenwomencouldntvoteyouguys

Kristin Says:

I am a middle floater person toooooooooo!!!!!

I agree with everything that Dannielle said, but also want to tell you that I don’t think that immersing yourself in gay culture past the point of seeing other aspects of the world around you is beneficial, nor do I think remaining completely aloof to the LGBTQ community is the way to go.  It’s like, there’s a lot of room for different perspectives and varying combinations of those two extremes, but any stance that completely cuts off other views and experiences can never be healthy.

The brilliance of being somewhere in the middle is that you can bring important issues to the attention of your friends who might not know otherwise (even if they roll their eyes, their awareness is still important), and also let your more activism-focused friends see that they can fight for equality and still grab a beer and laugh at old episodes of South Park sometimes.  The people who care about you and your friendship will value you for who you are, and appreciate you because you approach things with a different perspective.

For the people who tell you that you aren’t “gay enough”…start by asking them what the FUCK that is even supposed to mean…please.  Ask them if they would ever tell someone that they weren’t “German enough” or “suburban enough” or “girl enough.”  The entire reason that the LGBTQ community is struggling for equal rights is because of the notion that all people in certain communities must act a certain way…so, like, they should really think about what they are saying or shut the fuck up.  You know?!

Dannielle Says:

not. at. all. 

I had absolutely no confidence until I was about to graduate college. Then I gained a little bit, not necessarily b/c I thought I was the best, just because I was happy and I felt good about what I was doing. My confidence doesn’t stem from a place of ‘i’m really cool’ it stems from ‘i’m doing the right things’ 

I’m happiest when I feel the best and I feel the best when I’m doing what I know I’m supposed to be doing. I’ve gained more confidence from doing EveryoneIsGay than I have from anything else in my life. 

I think the ‘fake it til you feel it’ way of life is important. Just pretend you’re super confident, tell yourself ‘i rule, i’m the best, i’m really cool and these shoes look awesome on me’ all the time and eventually you’ll be like ‘I RULE I AM THE BEST I AM REALLY COOL AND THESE SHOES LOOK AWESOME ON ME’ … It’s hard, I think we are all our own worst critic and no matter what anyone tells you, you still critique the hell out of yourself. 

But lets face it. There is only one you out there. ONE. Just you. and YOU have to be the best YOU…this is made a million times easier when you realize, you already are the best you. You’re the fucking best you and no one can possible be a better you b/c no one else will ever be you. youyouyouyouyou. 

Kristin Says:

I love the way Dannielle described her confidence, because I feel exactly the same.  When I am immersed in doing something that I love, and something that makes me feel productive and inspired, I am my most confident self.  

Figuring out what inspires you is the first step in feeling better about yourself, and gaining more confidence.  The next step is understanding that no one is always confident and happy about who they are, and allowing yourself to be patient with the shy, less-than-confident parts of yourself.

You all only see Dannielle and I in the moments that we choose to show you, and I think a lot of you believe that we are always laughing, seeing the bright side of life, and making jokes about Jersey Shore and Cocoa Puffs.  That is not true.  That is not even close to true.  I stumble deep down into big pits of insecurity all the time, and I struggle to forgive myself in those moments as well.  Yes, it has gotten a bit clearer and a little easier as I have gotten older, but the weakest parts of myself are still parts of myself, you know?  

Don’t make the goal to “stop being shy.”  Make the goal to accept that you are shy in certain moments, and to find the things that drive you forward, inspire you, and help you to accept all of the parts of yourself…even the ones that might not be all shiny and happy.

Dannielle Says:

Well, when you’re friends are like ‘dude…WHAT IS THAT’ all you have to do is look them in the eye and very seriously say ‘a collar’ and then let the silence hang in the air for a GOOD TEN SECONDS, then just lunge the top half of your body toward them… Don’t do anything, just lunge a little bit… they’ll get the point. 

BUTSRSLYYOUGUYS. Normally when you try to switch up your wardrobe your friends are like ‘ummmmm’ but they mean no harm and all you have to do is DO IT. When I started wearing vests all the time people were like ‘so, you’re really embracing this gay thing, huh?’ and i’d be like ‘yEA. YEA I AM’ and I’d LOL all over the place…I mean, I was super uncomfortable on the inside, but I just pretended I wasn’t. You want to spice up your wardrobe, spice it up, who cares why, how or who gave you the collar… 

or you could always say ‘like my collar? i’m gay…soooooo’ and then see what happens??

Kristin Says:

Here is the thing.  I don’t understand why wearing a collar has to be classified as risque attire…it isn’t like you are wearing assless leather chaps to the grocery store, you know?

Here’s the other thing.  Yes, when people see a boy wearing a leather bondage collar they may automatically assume that he is a gayboy.  That is their problem.  Your sexuality is your business, and if your friends are like, “Dude, you wear a leather collar but you still say you don’t like boys in your bed?  PSHHHH,” you can be like, “Well, Tom, I am not sure if you are aware of this, but having a piece of leather in the vicinity of one’s neck doesn’t force that person to be attracted to boys.  Anyway, I don’t go around asking who you bone all the time, so calm down.”

You don’t have to justify anything.  You should wear what you want to wear, and that’s that.  

One more idea: if your friend is like, “A LEATHER COLLAR?!” then you should look back and respond, “NIKE SNEAKERS?!” (or some other mundane article of clothing that they are wearing)

That’ll shut ‘em right up.

Dannielle Says: 

I mean, if i were you, I’d just dance RIDICULOUS, and make it a funny thing. Dancing doesn’t have to be serious, and you can also just jump around. OTHERWISE, talk to her. Tell her you feel really uncomfortable and you’re not completely sure why, but you just DON’T WANT TO. 

Different people love to do different things and we don’t all have to love the same things to be in wonderful, loving, committed, beautiful relationships that totally work. We DO, HOWEVER, have to communicate these differences. JUST TALK TO HER!! Don’t I tell you guys this all the time?! People understand your feelings if you talk about them. 

Tell her you don’t wanna dance, you feel weird when she tries to force you and it’s embarrassing when she calls you out in front of everyone. She’ll get it. I PROMISE*

Also, try saying “i hate dancing, i’d rather eat poop” and see what her reaction is… cuz like.. NO ONE wants to eat poop. Have you seen the human centipede?

*promise not guaranteed. 

Kristin Says:

The solution to your issue has already been expounded upon in the above four paragraphs by the lovely Dannielle: You have to talk to her.  Not the kind of talk where you roll your eyes and are like “Mary Kate, I tell you all the time, I don’t like dancing. Just CHILL,” but the kind where you really show her how uncomfortable and sad it makes you feel.  You have to get a tiny bit of trembly-lip going and be like, “Baby, I wish more than anything that you had a girlfriend who would dance the night away with you, but that just can’t be me.  I don’t like to dance, but I love you…so is there any way that we can still make each other happy without the dancing part?”

I had this exact problem in one of my past relationships.  I LOVE to dance my face off, you guys.  When Kelly Clarkson’s ‘Since You’ve Been Gone’ used to come on at the bar, I would literally knock everyone out of my way so I could do a full head-banging dance montage.*  Most times, my girlfriend would just laugh at me from the sidelines…and at first it drove me nuts that she wouldn’t come and help me with the more complicated dance moves that the song required, you know??  After awhile though, I accepted the fact that she loved to watch me make a fool of myself, and that she was enjoying herself even though she wasn’t dancing alongside me.  

What I am saying is, as long as you are a good sport about your girl having fun, and you are honest with her, I think you are going to be just fine.

*as featured in Webcast 20

Dannielle Says: 

I meannnnn if you don’t tell him you’re not into it, you’re gonna be doing it forevs and then you’re gonna resent him and then you’re gonna be like (ive said this before) ‘I SAID CRUNCH BERRIES NOT CAPN CRUNCH’ and he’s gonna be all ‘wtf’ you know?

It’s just, in any relaysh, with any ish, if you keep it buried deep down inside and never talk about it, it makes every tiny thing a million times worse… Did that make sense? what am i EVEN SAYING RIGHT NOW. 

Just be totes honzies with him. I’m sorry, you guys. Just be totally honest with him. ugh..I’ve been watching too much verymarykate… 

OK LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN. 

Tell him the truth “babe, i’m into doing fun things and spicing it up, i mean, i LOVE it when you INSERT SPECIFIC THING HERE but I’m just not really into INSERT SPECIFIC THING HERE” this will open up a dialogue where he can say ‘o, that’s not really important to me, but i REALLY LIKE THIS THING’ and you’ll be like ‘i can live with that, but i really don’t like it when we DO THIS THING’ … See, you can both talk about what you like and don’t like and he doesn’t feel like you’re telling him he’s stupid for wanting to do different boney-type-things. 

Kristin Says:

“Insert specific thing here” is an interesting choice of words in this context.  I pretty much just pictured you pointing to bodily orifices and saying “I don’t like it when you insert your thing here, however…”  Sorry.  Moving on.

I always feel that there is room for common ground when it comes to people’s likes and dislikes in the naked aisle of relationships.  If he wants to put things in your butt and you are like, “Dude, that feels the opposite of good,” then maybe he can do things that do make you feel good and still involve your butt.  Sorry I am saying ‘butt’ so much…it’s just what has happened and now there is no turning back.

What I mean is, maybe you don’t like the feeling of one specific element of his kinky-interests, but you might surprise yourself and be like, “Hot damn, I don’t like when you put things in my butt, however, when you slap me and call me Sally I GO CRAZY.”  You know?  

You just have to keep an open dialogue about it and remember two things: 1) He is not asking for new kinky things because you aren’t good enough.  People like tons of different things, and him asking you to try out new stuff just means that he is comfortable with you, and that is a wonderful thing; 2) Don’t make him feel bad about his interests.  If they don’t feel good to you, you should say so, but also include something like, “Hey, that doesn’t feel great to me, but maybe we can try this? Would that make you happy?”

Iron out those kinks!

Dannielle Says:

No offense, but, 

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHHAAAAAAAAA
HAHAH
HA
HAHAHAHHA
HAAAAH

*ahem* So, getting punched in the head isn’t funny, but the phrase ‘my friend punched me in the head’ makes me laugh. I DON’T KNOW WHY. The thing is, you’re not completely unaware of the world around you when you’re drunk. You know what’s going on. I always say alcohol isn’t a good excuse for anything…

If she said she was sorry via facebook, chances are she’s embarrassed as F for being such an idiot. Give here the beni of the doubt, you know? If you want her as a friend, be like ‘i’ll accept your lame facebook apology, but don’t let it happen again, and you owe me two blow pops’

That way you can both giggle, she doesn’t feel like such an asshole and you’re the bigger person for being cool about it.

We all do stupid shit, forgiving and forgetting is hard, but like, everyone needs DumbShitKarma*

You also said it was scary, and the thing is, all you can do is talk to her and be like ‘you scared the shit out of me and now i don’t want to be around you when you’re drunk’ maybe she was having one bad night. BUT ALSO maybe she’s making a habit of it and you should remove yourself from the situation. Be smart. Take care of you.

*DumbShitKarma is the good Karma you get for letting people slide when they do dumb shit. Then when you do dumb shit, someone will let you slide… you know?? I AM SO TIRED RIGHT NOW I’M NOT EVEN MAKING ANY SENSE.

Kristin Says: 

Okay, listen up.  I feel like there are at least one thousand of you who are poised to click the “Compose Email” button and send off a message to us that reads something like, “VIOLENCE ISN’T FUNNY.  PEOPLE COME HERE FOR SUPPORT, AND HAVING DANNIELLE LAUGH AT THEM IS NOT ANY HELP AT ALL.”  So, first let me explain why the first sentence in this question is hilarious.  It is not because people punching people is funny (however, bonking people over the head with lightweight plastic items, such as an empty soda bottle is a RIOT).  It is because instead of saying, “my friend punched me in the face,” this person said “head,” and like, who punches someone in the back or side or top of the head?!  So, hopefully that will clarify that no one is saying that violence is funny.

Moving on.  You are saying that your friend was out-of-control drunk and that it scared the crap out of you.  You are totally, completely valid in feeling this way; people who drink to the point of excess and lose control of themselves are unpredictable and difficult to be around.  If this girl is a close friend of yours, you need to sit down and talk to her in person.  Tell her that, although you don’t like getting punched in the head, your real concern is that she drank to the point of losing control.  

If she is able to listen to you, and she has more of a handle on her drinking the next time she goes out, then I think you can forgive her for one ridiculous night where she lost her shit.  If, however, she gets angry, or is unable to change her behavior, you should do as Dannielle said and stop going out with her to places where drinking is the main activity.  If the situation is really bad, you should also talk to her other friends about getting her help.

Short answer: Yes, you should make an attempt to mend your friendship, but you must be honest with her about your concerns.  Take it from there, okay?

Dannielle Says:

1. No

2. *ahem*

I DON’T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS
THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED
I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS
UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE
I DON’T NEED TO HANG MY STOCKING 
THERE UPON THE FIREPLACE
SANTA CLAUS WON’T MAKE ME HAPPY
WITH A TOY ON CHRISTMAS DAY
I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN
MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW
MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOUUUUUUU 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing you guys.  Last night I was decorating my Christmas tree and Dannielle was answering advice, and I was like “Mariah Carey’s ‘ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS’ is the best song on the planet and it makes everything better.  Answer an advice question using her lyrics.”

Also, no, this is not weird.  We know like 800 people dating people with the same name as them.  The only things I have to say are:

1. It is really annoying to have to talk about the same-named couple.  So if you overhear your friends talking about you and your boo and they are referring to you by the names “Ben & Jerry,” it isn’t that they think you are fat…they just are sick of clarifying who the fuck they mean, so they have developed this coping mechanism.

2.  I would imagine that if you are about to have an earth-shattering orgasm, it MIGHT feel weird to scream your own name.  So.  Try it, and if it feels weird, just don’t scream her name.  Or call her Jerry.  You make a better Ben.

3.  Listen to this.

Dannielle Says:

ooooooh. mannnnnn. 

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I’ve been at this place in life MANY A TIME and it’s hard. You don’t want BLANK to feel like you don’t like BLANKY, but you don’t really want BLANKY to hang out b/c you just miss BLANK so much!! YOU KNOW??! 

This is where I pull out the ‘friend date’ card. You simply call/text/email/facebook BLANK and say ‘how do you feel about a friend date friday night’ and if they’re like ‘lemme see what BLANKY is up to’ you can be all ‘BUT LIKE…just the two of us (via will smith)’

Generally your friends will be SO excited for a little one on one. You can also pull a ‘girls night’ card if you’re just looking for a no-couples night. Be like ‘Dear BLANK AND BLANK, how do you feel about a girls-only-rom-com-popcorn-fiesta’ and when they’re like ‘BLANKY AND BLANKY ARE GIRLS TOO’ you can be like ‘yea, but like… YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN’ … 

This is pretty simple you guys, just tell your friends you want some time with them. I know it seems super awkward, but it’s really not. Sometimes you just wanna split fritos and chili with your besties! They’ll totes understand. 

Kristin Says:

I agree with the fact that you and your friends should have some alone time together…and unless they are in the very beginning stages of weak-kneed love, I would imagine they would want this occasionally as well.  How else is Blank going to tell you that Blanky leaves her clothes on the dresser every night and it drives her INSANE, but that Blanky also makes coffee with cinnamon and that makes her insides melt with love?!  

So.  That is me agreeing with Dannielle’s advice.  

This is me adding my two cents. Obviously, solo time with your friends is not going to happen all the time.  In a perfect world you would meet once a week at the Peach Pit via 90210 and have your catch-up time, but in the real world, once or twice a month may be all that you can make happen.  This means, if you want to see your friends more than that, you are still going to have to hang out with all the couples who are like, ‘I’ve got one hand in my pocket…and the other one is in her pocket’ (sing to the tune of Alanis Morissette’s hit single).

You don’t have to stare at the pavement.  I have had extremely close friendships amidst serious relationships where my girlfriend and I are in bed talking about the pair of boots we saw at Steve Madden, and my friend will come over and jump into bed and be like, “WHAT’S UP YOU GUYS STOP KISSING I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE FRITTATA I MADE!”  You don’t have to take a step back if you have been invited out with the couples.  If they are making out the entire time, a) that is ridiculous, and b) you have every right to mash your face in between their kissing heads and tell them so.  Chances are, they will laugh and laugh and wind up liking you better than they like each other.