everyone is gay

Dannielle Says:

You know, I ALWAYS thought it was just that. DISASTER WAITING TO HAPPEN, and then… My gayboibff and his boyfriend have now been together for 4 years, they’re planning to get married, it’s cute, they’re more in love than a lot of couples I know. They have an open relationship. They both hook up with other people and they’re both ok with it. They have threesomes too, to the two of them, it’s really just about sex and when it comes down to it, they are in love, more in love than you can imagine. 

I don’t think I could ever do that, but I’m not either of them. The point is, for some people, it works. For some people, an open relationship is the best way to keep the relationship happy. If neither of you are jealous or doubting your love for one another, then why not? Everyone is different, so don’t beat yourself up over it, be who you are and have fun. 

HOWEVZ, if you came here to get K10 + me to uncover the deep rooted feeling of doubt you might have, then you obvi have some deep rooted feelings of doubt.

Kristin Says:

Fuck morality.  At least when it comes to threesomes.  I mean, listen…we are all raised in a world where TWO people are supposed to have sex, and one should have a penis and a lawnmower and the other should have a vagina and an appletini, so like, SCREW THAT.  If you and your partner are both cool with adding a third person to the mix, do it and don’t look back.  I mean, you can look back and see what’s happening during the threesome (because I’d imagine there might be some confusing moments with all those body parts flying around), but what I mean to say is: don’t worry about what you are “supposed” to feel. 

If you ever have any doubt, just put the brakes on the situation.  Are you worried because the newest potential threemosexual girl is a friend of yours?  If that has you worried than maybe it isn’t a wise idea, and maybe you should keep naked-time out of your immediate friendship circle. 

If you feel fine about it, though, get down with your bad self. And your bad partner. And your bad three’mo.

PS: Remember the movie “Threesome” with Lara Flynn Boyle and Stephen Baldwin?!

PPS: I KNOW. I’m old.

Dannielle Says:

I mean, STOP SCREAMING. part a. Part b. nair? or waxing? I wouldn’t shave it b/c like next day stubble in your buttcrack can NOT be comfortable (i’m assuming). 

One time I saw a sign for Anal Bleaching, soooooo just know that you’re not alone.

Kristin Says:

First things first: I am almost positive that anal bleaching does not have anything to do with hair, but I also don’t want “anal bleaching” to pull up in my searching history sooooo….

Listen.  Don’t let ass-hair ruin your sex life (another excellent t-shirt idea).  We are all humans, we all have hair, and most of it is in places that we would rather not have it.  You could definitely go for the all-to-nothing wax idea, and honestly, I think you could even use a razor back there and be just fine.  I am going to tell you to be wary about the nair idea because a) does that shit even work? and b) that is some SENSITIVE SKIN to be dousing in chemicals that disintegrate hair, right?!

If it makes you feel better, this happened to me once:

{kristin and girlfriend are lying in bed, post-sexy-time. girlfriend leans over and stares at kristin’s face.}

girlfriend: oh, hey.

kristin: heyyy.

girlfriend: you’ve got a guy there. {points to kristin’s chin}

kristin: what?

girlfriend: there’s a GUY there. {points to kristin’s chin again, now laughing}

{kristin realizes that by “guy” she means A HORRIFYING, HORRIBLE, HORROR-SHOW HAIR.}

kristin: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GET OFF ME.

{kristin runs to the bathroom, yanks out the offending hair, and storms back into the bedroom where she sits and stews in anger and her girlfriend rolls around the bed in a fit of laughter.}

Shit happens, you guys.  We are all human.  It’s going to be okay.  Now, leave me alone because I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT ANYMORE.

Dannielle Says:

Whenever I see a question like this, I just want to tell you that you’re not alone. I know it must be hella hard to feel this way and also feel like NO ONE gets it, but people do get it, I promise. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. It doesn’t make sense to me that your mother wouldn’t love you for every slice of who you really are. 

I know it’s going to be hard and it’s going to be annoying and it’s going to hurt, but the truth is, you have two choices. 

(1) Tell your mom now, help her work through it, slowly, get in fights, work through them, be resented for a while, and let her take time with it until she finally comes around. 

(2) Don’t tell her, resent her for the fact that she MIGHT hate you if you tell her. Have little to no REAL relationship with her b/c you have to lie to her a lot of the time. Let her sit around and think maybe you’re gay, but you would probably tell her if you were…

Neither option is perfect, but I always vote for ‘tell them.’  Parents come around, especially if she already thinks it’s a possibility. Just don’t tell her and run away…stick around and fight for your relationship with her. Mom’s are imp’t. 

Kristin Says:

To be totally honest, I wish I could give you a giant hug.  Envisioning that moment where your mom asked you, horrified, if you were gay made my heart ache.  Not only have I been there, so many of us have been there.  I know Dannielle already said it but I have to say it again: you are not alone. 

If you had a close relationship with your mom before all of this gay stuff muddled it up, then I want to believe that there is still room for an honest conversation.  Even though she appears homophobic, it is also likely that a lot of her anger and fear come from feeling like she is losing her closeness with you; she may be worried that she is no longer able to understand her daughter…and I have to imagine that would be very painful.

If you feel that your emotions will get the best of you, but you still want to work at your relationship, write her a letter.  Explain to her how it made you feel when she screamed at you about being gay, how worried you are about not being close with her anymore, and how much you wish that there was a way for you to be honest and still have her support.  If you aren’t ready for your other relatives to know yet, ask her to respect your privacy. 

I can’t promise that she will react perfectly to your words, because moms (despite their best efforts) are human beings, too…and they are full of a lot of the same self-doubt and worry and confusion as the rest of us.  What I can promise you is that, if you are honest and stick with her even when she messes up and makes you feel bad, there is a chance that she will want to work with you, too. 

Do only what you are comfortable doing, and know that if Dannielle and I were there we would hug the ever-living-shit out of your teary face.  That doesn’t sound all that great when I say it like that, but trust me, YOU WOULD LOVE IT.

Dannielle Says:

boning = pounding = banging = fucking = screwing = doing = hittin it = gettin it = takin it home = nailing = blasting = scoring = venturing = knocking = interrupting = damaging = claiming = troubling = boning

*i made some of those up. 

Kristin Says:

GODDAMMIT DANNIELLE, ANSWER THE STRAIGHT GUY’S QUESTION SO WE BROADEN OUR READERSHIP. But also, Troubling=Boning=Hahahahaha.

Okay.  Logically, your reasoning makes sense.  I mean, you’d thing that the term “boning” would be derived from either “bone” or “boner,” and it would be super weird if we were talking about using actual bones, flinstone-style.  We aren’t, just for the record of important facts…but I guess we totally could be.  Putting an animal bone in someone has to still be boning, right?

This is hard.

To me, boning means something along the lines of naked, caution-thrown-to-the-wind, wake up the roommates sexy-time.  Like, if you finish your sexy-time with someone and you are walking funny and out of breath and maybe just made animal noises and possibly had an orgasm, you totally just boned.  But you don’t HAVE to have an orgasm, and you don’t even HAVE to be naked.  There are so many different ways to bone (the strap-on bone, the oral bone, the invisible penis bone(?!), the boner bone, the finger bone, the butt bone), and at the end of the day I think you just know if you boned someone or not. It’s different for everyone and most certainly does not need to involve a boner.

But I think your boner is great and you can still totally bone with it!

Dannielle Says:

I mean, I’m gonna be real for a second. Being alone makes you want someone, more than anything. It’s like that Tegan & Sara song “When your love lets you go you only want love more, even when love’s not what you are looking for”…It is simply a fact of life. Being alone is hard and you have to figure out your own thing, not everyone does the same thing to keep themselves happy. 

I encourage you to surround yourself with the kind of friends you would die without, the kind of people that motivate you and keep you going. That is the best thing. Friends are amazing, and there is nothing better than knowing you always have someone to share life with! Do the things that make you most happy, focus on learning new things, and fake your confidence until it’s real. 

Remember you’re the only you, might as well be the coolest and best you can be!

Kristin Says:

You know how rock stars are always sexy?  Here is my theory: When a person is fully focused on doing something that they are passionate about, they exude a magic potion/vapor/image/hologram/whatever that makes the rest of the world swoon.  I really believe that, even if your nose is bright orange and you wear an eye patch made out of a scrunchie, you will always make people swoon if you are focused, confident and passionate in your every day life.

Start by journaling.  Write down the things that make you happy, write down your struggles, WRITE IT ALL DOWN.  Writing helps your brain sort out all of its confusing life-thoughts, and you will likely find that after a few weeks of writing you have uncovered some areas where you want to put more of a focus.  The next step is to just start doing those things.  Maybe you want to take a cooking class.  Maybe you want to learn how to play guitar.  Maybe you want to test out every color of Essie nailpolish and then write a book about your journey.  It doesn’t matter what it is, all that matters is that you choose the things that make you feel good inside, and you force yourself to keep at it.

 I find that when I hit my lowest and most self-conscious spots, I have to treat my body like it is a machine.  I make the choices I know will help clear my head, even though what I really want is to curl up under the covers.  Discipline will lead to self-confidence will lead to you not caring about getting boned will lead to you getting boned.  Believe in it.

Dannielle Says:

This might be a time in your life where you have to be selfish to maintain sanity. Girls can get crazy. Remember that even though she’s blaming everything on you, it is NOT your fault. You did the best you could, but the two of you don’t fit. Some people have to constantly have a someone, and that’s fine. I know girls who ALWAYS have boyfriends, and the thing is, they eventually find someone who fits that with them, you just can’t be that person for her. 

Of course you care about her, but she’s not returning that respect. She feels defensive and wants everyone on her side b/c she wants to hurt you. She’s trying to make you feel guilty and like a victim so you feel alone and she wants to feel like she has control. Let her talk shit. You can’t stop it. Let her scream at you from across the caf. She’s going to anyway. Let her cry and scream and break shit…she would have done that with anyone else. 

SHE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, you hurt her, but it’s a fact of life. Millions of people get their heart broken everyday, and you didn’t do it on purpose. You might have to cut her out of your life for a while. You have to do what you can to stay happy. She’s bringing you down pretty hard right now, and someone has to be the bigger man. 

Kristin Says:

This is absolutely one of those situations where you have to let time do its healing work, and that time has to be spent completely separate from each other.  Dannielle, as usual, is correct: you are not responsible for her happiness and you certainly are not responsible for her angry actions.  It is hard to watch someone who you care for unravel and make foolish and hurtful choices, but that is the headspace she is in right now, and she has to go through her pain.  Your friends will certainly be on your side through her trash-talking; if they aren’t then you may want to kindly ask them for the other half of your gold-plated BFF necklace. 

My one concern is that you said she was  “doing bad things to herself.” If your ex is putting herself in physical danger in order to get your attention, then you may want to let someone know who is in a position to help.  If she has a good relationship with her parents, perhaps reach out to them.  If that isn’t an option, maybe you can talk with one of her close friends, or, if you are in school, speak with a counselor that you trust.  If she is in a bad place, it might be helpful for her (and indirectly, for you) to have someone to talk with  who can explain that we all feel those gut-ripping, upending feelings of hurt, but that there are ways that those feelings can be processed without physically or emotionally hurting ourselves or others around us.

Whatever you decide to do, know this: Her turmoil is not your fault.  Regardless of what she does to make you feel responsible, stay strong and know that you need to focus on taking care of yourself.  Hopefully, in time, she will learn to do the same.

Dannielle Says:

Here’s the thing about this sitch (situation). I’m not going to talk you out of going after someone you’re in love with. I always want love to always prevail always. aka ALWAYS. HOWEVER. I do want to say that there is something about a performer than can really grab you by the groin muscle. 

I read an article about the Jonas Brothers a few months ago (getoverit) and this psychologist was saying that the hormone released in girls when seeing a performer they like is the same one released when falling in love, so technically, girls are ACTUALLY falling in love with Nick Jonas, Justin Bieber, Britney Spears and a school of other teen idols. In your case, it could be the same thing. If it’s more intense when you’re around friends who also love her, that’s a good indicator, apparently girls feed off of it and their hormones grow increasingly more intense when around other girls with the same feelings. 

I don’t know man, that shit is crazy. BIOLOGY YOU GUYS. 

If you want to have a genuine relationship with anyone you admire, the key is to not be a creepy stalker. If you run into her, don’t treat her like she is Jesus and remember she is a normal person. Maybe it’s better to love her from afar b/c once you get into a relationship with her you’ll hate the fact that she doesn’t brush her teeth in the morning, you’ll hate that she’s takes 45 minutes to get ready, and she’s always five minutes late to everything, she hates big dogs, but love small dogs, she thinks cake is disgusting, but loves shortbread cookies AND SHE DOESN’T READ EVERYONEISGAY.COM (whattabitch). Little dumb stuff that you would never have to deal with if you just hung out on her myspace all day.

Kristin Says:

I just looked up Belaire and those girls are total hotties, I see what you mean.  I also, however, agree with Dannielle: rock stars are pretty easy to fall head over heels in love with…I mean, they stand up on stage and make music and talk about their feelings and you feel like you know them. Caution, boys and girls: YOU DO NOT KNOW THEM.

I think you should have fun with your crush, and dedicate “When I Think About You I Touch Myself” to her on the local radio station, and maybe get her to take a picture with you at one of her shows and laugh with your friends about how you are in love with a rock star…and that is about it.  I mean, listen…I may or may not have been in love with Katherine McPhee for a year, so I UNDERSTAND.

PS-I am not always five minutes late to everything. Hmph.

Dannielle Says:

Shane did it for at least 4 seasons of the L Word…sooooooo. 

I’m willing to bet you a million dollars you can go to a club and find 50% of the girls there are feeling the same way. Sometimes you just want to hook up. Of course, being the stereotype that we are, a lot of girls want to marry you once you dance on them. If this is the case, just be honest, you’re not looking for anything serious. 

BUUTTTTT be prepared for consequences when you do want to settle down one day.  Girls talk, and they never shut up, so if you fuck over a lot of girls, you might have trouble convincing someone that you can be faithful to them (lets be real, they have reason to be skeptical based on your sluttitude in the past).

Even if you don’t want to know the person the next day, shoot them a text that’s like ‘hey, last night was fun, thanks :)’ just something nice to say ‘yea i snuck out of your house, but i’m not a total asshole, and i also don’t want to fall in love with you.’ If the girl tries to get involved with you, just tell them, you’re not into relationships right now. Chances are, if you feel like you’re doing something shitty, you probably are, but if you’re confident that this is just the way you want to live right now, no one can tell you you’re wrong. UNLESS YOU’RE STRINGING GIRLS ALONG AND CHEATING ON THEM OVER AND OVER AND SAYING YOU’VE CHANGED JUST TO KEEP THEM WANTING YOU. b/c that is shitty.

Kristin Says:

I think wanting to be a bone-only type of girl is totally fine, and everyone needs to get over themselves and CALM DOWN that you might not want to hold hands and write love notes.  Here is the thing.  If you go out and you meet a girl and she is all up on you and you guys dancing are like Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey (without the lift, because that would be weird), and she’s all breathy and asks you to go back to her place, just say, “I would love that, as long as you are okay with me not making you breakfast in the morning.”  And then wink.  Nine out of ten humans will react to this by saying, “HOLY FUCK YOU ARE THE HOTTEST NOW THROW ME UP AGAINST THINGS AND TEAR MY CLOTHES OFF WITH YOUR TEETH.”  Then, if she wakes you up in the morning with a plate of eggs, you can be like, “Hey, you are great and super hot, but we discussed this.”  You can then leave guilt-free.  …Or you can hit that shit one more time, eat your eggs, and STILL leave guilt free.  Bitches need to be gettin’ over themselves.

Be honest and do who you want to do, with permission (and protection).

Dannielle Says:

Ways to ruin a relationship (1) talk about when it will end in the future. 

YOU GUYS WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Who cares about the future, think about the now, think about the fact that you’re so in love with someone you want to marry them. Marriage equals spend your life together. That’s awesome and exciting and why would you be talking about the demise of your relaysh when you could be having the best time ever. 

“What if” is the stupidest thing you could ever ask. Because, who cares? Why would you want to spend your relaysh being totally freaked out bc she might fall in love with someone else?? Trust the love you have and stop worrying about maybeinthefuture.

You want to know what worrying does? Absolutely nothing. It gives you anxiety for something that hasn’t even happened yet….wtf?! Why do people worry so much?! NOW GO BONE YOUR LOVER!

Kristin Says:

Hrm. Okay so, right.  Talking in the language of “what ifs” is pretty much like laying a big slip ‘n’ slide in front of a cliff and then being like, “HEY YOU GUYS LET’S GO HAVE FUN ON THIS SLIP ‘N’ SLIDE.”  

I have to say, though, I would be concerned if I had just asked someone to marry me and they were like, “Okay, but there is a chance I will meet someone else.”  I know the conversation probably didn’t go so simply, but that is kind of an odd thing to say in the moment when you are committing to love someone for life.  I would ask her if she has any concerns in the now (which it sound like you did), and if she does, you should talk through them together and see what is best for both of you.  If she was just thinking aloud, though, and you have a wonderful and trusting and loving relationship, try to let go of the fear-of-it-all-crumbling.

The bottom line is this: If you both love each other and make each other happy and want to spend your lives together, DO THAT, and stop talking about the possibilities of demise.  You could catch your big toe in the lawnmower tomorrow which would lead to a lawsuit which would make you both millionaires which would make her get her hair straightened which would make you less attracted to her which would make you break up. There are so many possibilities, you know?!

Dannielle Says:

Listen, Ellen is 15 years older than Portia and they are the best couple in the entire world. There is nothing wrong with being a cougar, besides the term ‘cougar’…which I love, but I think it’s because I also love silly fonts and saying ‘omg’ out loud. ANYWAY. I know a lot of girls who are attracted to older women. I know a lot of boiz who are attracted to older women, in general, once you pass the age of 19 everyone sort of looks the same age. 

I also know a ton of people well into their 40s that still go to bars to meet people, it’s not a bad thing. If it’s making you super self-conscious, make a game of it, when people ask your age, make them guess, and be super coy and cute. 

EVERYONE I KNOW (includingmyself) wants to bang Kristin and she’s like 90!

I feel like if you’re FEELING creepy, you’ll appear creepy. Just remember: Nick Cannon & Mariah Carey….Demi Moore & Ashton Kutcher…Paula Abdul & everyone

Kristin Says:

Listen, let us go over this one more time.  Do you own a van with tinted windows? Do you own more than one cat per cubic foot of living space? Do you listen to Jewel’s ‘Pieces of You’ more than four times a day? If you have answered no to these questions, YOU ARE NOT A CREEPY OLD LADY.

Also, even if you have answered yes to those questions, it still wouldn’t make you a creepy old lady, because you aren’t old.  I know that might not mean much coming from a 90-year-old like myself, but seriously…don’t lie about your age.  There are plenty of lesbians out there who will be totally into you regardless of the fact that you can name all of Charlie’s Angels.  My longest relationship to date was with a woman who was six years older than I was, and age was never an issue.  

Now, get out there and find the John Mayer to your Jennifer Aniston. (But do a little better because that guy is totally lame.)

Dannielle Says:

Some girls are really into it, some are not. 

b00bz are like everything else on a person. Some people REALLY love blondes and some people REALLY love brunettes. Some people LOVE hairy chests, some lOVVVVE waxed chests. Some people LUUUUvvvvv peeniewoo’s, some people luuuvvVVVV vajayjays. 

b00bz are just another part of a persons body that your love will appreciate so much b/c your love loves you. Don’t let them hinder your ‘hittin it’ ability, people want you b/c you’re you, not because they think you have mini-b00bz. I’m pretty sure whoever you “get dirty with” is going be soooo happy to be under your shirt.

Kristin Says:

I am going to go out here on a limb and say that if you have giant cans, your girl will likely know that before you take your shirt off.  In my experience, I have found that boobs are pretty hard to hide.  So, the thing is, if you meet a girl and she is like, “Hey want to go out?” she is also saying, “Oh SNAP, I want to climb up your palm tree and get me some of those coconuts.”

Even if she doesn’t love you for you, she will still totally be into your boobsters.

Dannielle Says:

First of all, your mother can still have grandchildren. So, tell her to calm TF down. There are so many options, and by the time you’re ready to have kids, there will probably be a way for a girl to impregnate a girl, so it’ll be even better. 

There are college scientists that are figuring out that ‘the gaywad’ is a bunch of genes/chromosomes and while they can’t pinpoint exactly which ones, they know that’s what’s up blah blah blah. HERE’S WHAT I THINK ABOUT THAT. If tiny college scientists are sort of figuring it out, there’s A HUGE CHANCE it’s already been figured out by someone bigger. The Gov hides shit from us all the time, you guys, and I’m willing to bet this is something they would hide. I mean, if they lose the fight against gays, they lose SO MUCH BLINGBLING b/c christians/churches run this shit right now. (which frightens me btw)…

My point is, your parents know deep down it isn’t their ‘fault’ and all you have to do is explain to them that it’s not about their parenting, or doing something wrong, it’s about love, and you know that they’ll be ok with it once they see how much happier you are being able to be yourself around them.

Kristin Says:

I am a little bit confused by Dannielle’s “tiny scientist” monologue, although, it did make me start humming “Tiny Dancer” to myself, so there’s that.  Then that made me think of Tony Danza, who is totally someone I would consider going straight for, if not only for his handsome, vacuuming self, then for his proximity to Alyssa Milano.

TANGENTS ASIDE, this is the fifth question we have gotten from a sibling of someone who has beat them to the gay punch, so to speak.  Having more than one gay in the family is wayyyyy more common than you would think, and if you are worried that they will blame themselves, maybe you should arm yourself with some statistics.  Let them know that you think they are wonderful parents and that there are many other equally wonderful parents who are in the same two-gay-kids boat. (For some of you who have let us know that your parents think you are just “copying” your older sibling, presenting them with these facts may also be of use.)

If they are still upset, don’t give up hope.  Give them some time to work through things, and try to be patient with that process. 

Also, if all else fails, say: “It could be worse.  You could have a gay and an Alyson,” and then read aloud to them from my other blog.  This will surely put a bounce in their step.

Dannielle Says:

Pay attention, sparky!!

We’ve had multiple quesh’s from gay boiz. and parents, and friends and everyone!

We just happen to be gaydies (gay ladies), ASK AWAYYYYY!!

Kristin Says:

Yes, gaybiboys, YES YOU CAN.  As long as you can sit well with the knowledge that we will answer your questions whilst imagining you have boobs and a vagina.

Just kidding about the boobs and vagina part, thoooooough.

Dannielle Says:

I mean, the only time I’ve ever been called a ‘dyke’ (h8thatword), i just sort of was confused and thought to myself ‘they didn’t actually say that, i heard it wrong’ but i mean…no, they said it, and I was REALLY CONFUSED. 

I think if it happened to me now I would just say “excuse me?” and ask them to repeat themselves, then when they hiked up their cargo shorts and rearranged the chewing tobacco in their lip, while repeating “I said fuckin dyke” I would say “oh! I thought so, thanks, tell your sister I said last night was fun” and then I would run faster than I possibly could imagine, via runforrestrun. 

I mean, I don’t actually think provoking someone like that is a good thing. I would IRL (in real life) probably just get in my car and call my cuddle partner and cry for a while, wondering why there were so many ignorant fucks in the world. Sometimes, there is nothing you can do, sometimes people are just assholes b/c they weren’t raised by decent human beings, and you can’t change the past. 

You cold also carry around a fake cop badge and pull it out, practice saying “Anon YoMous, NYPD, would you like to repeat that?” and then the jerkwad will look really scared and it will be priceless.

Kristin Says:

This hasn’t ever happened to me, but I have been in the presence of my close friends when it has happened to them.  It is such an ugly and stupefying moment, and it really is difficult to think fast enough to verbally retaliate and knock the hate out of the hater.

Sound Advice: Most times, hatred comes from fear.  It is likely that the ignorant word-jerk will be floored if your reaction is to kindly smile and say, “I am so sorry that you feel the need to say such hurtful things.”  

What I Would Probably Do In Real Life: BURST INTO UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER.  I still have not found a better way to retaliate against someone who is trying to hurt me than to make them feel like a complete and utter fool.  So, know that the hater is much worse off in this life, laugh a great big belly laugh, and then stroll off like you own the world.  

Don’t Get Punched, Though:  All that said, fear also makes people do some fucked up shit, soooo, always be careful.  Whether you take the high road or the laugh-and-point-at-their-fat-face road, if you see evil steam pouring out of the hater’s ears, do like Dannielle says: runforestrun and get the FRACK out of there.

Dannielle Says:

I mean, in all honesty you should just ask. B/c genderqueer basically  means the person doesn’t identify with Male or Female, or identifies with both. It was coined as like a ‘third’ gender, pretty cool actually. You don’t necessarily have to choose. So, talk to your girl about it, chances are she’ll be pumped to tell you all about it and that openness will bring you even closer!!

Kristin Says:

Dannielle is so damn SMART, you guys.  There really isn’t a “correct” pronoun to use for someone who identifies as genderqueer; some people still go by “he” or “she,” some prefer gender-neutral pronouns (these get a little complicated), some prefer to alternate between the binary gender-pronouns, and still others prefer no pronouns at all.

The best thing for you to know is that you are not expected to know what terminology to use.  I am always grateful to the people who go out of their way to ask questions in an effort to understand and to not be offensive.  When people have asked about my married lesbian friends (“Am I supposed to call them both each other’s wives, or is there another way that it is better to refer to them?”), I have always been happy to help them out.  I am sure that your friend will be psyched that you care enough about [insert pronoun here] to make that effort as well.

Don’t worry if you slip up, either! If your friend wants you to try to not use pronouns, and you accidentally say “she” in conversation, DON’T POOP YOUR PANTS.  You deserve time to get used to this new knowledge, and I am nearly certain that your friend will think the same.

Dannielle Says:

Whatever you do, don’t say ‘you’re gay’ b/c some people don’t respond to that well. True story you guys, some people take really intense actions b/c they’re scared, and you DON’T want to feel like it’s your fault if he does something crazy. 

If you like him as a BFF, say just that, you want to hang out with him one on one b/c you luvvvv his company, but you don’t want to date him. He’ll probably be ok with it, and when you guys become better friends, and you decide it’s a good time to tell him you’re into girls, ask him if he thinks he could ever be into boys. 

It’s all about the WAY you ask him. If you TELL HIM he’s gay, he’s going to get defensive and you’re going to lose a friend. If you ASK HIM about the possibility, you don’t seem as judgy and you’ll have a better chance of him opening up to you.

Kristin Says:

Let me tell you a story: 

Once upon a time I knew a boy who I thought was gay.  This boy was not interested in dating me, but he was dating one of my very close friends, who was a girl. 

Once upon a time, I told that boy in a small suburban coffee shop in a big suburban mall that I was a lesbian.  His eyes welled up and he said, “Oh my god.  Kristin, I think I am gay.”  I was the first person that he ever opened up to about his sexuality (besides the guy he was totally blowing), and after our conversation he came out to his family and many of his other friends. 

Once upon a time, that boy and I helped each other through many obstacles, and he is still a huge part of my life. 

SO.

Don’t go into the conversation with expectations. 

Don’t be disappointed if you you don’t get gay-boy tears in your coffee cup. 

Do be honest with him about your sexuality.  Even if you are wrong and he isn’t a big gay Catholic, it is still always best to tell the truth.

Dannielle Says:

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAH KRISTIN IS A SPRITE KRISTIN IS A SPRITE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH 

HAHAHHA

HAAAAA

HA

Kristin Says:

After I kicked over my chair in jealousy over not being compared to a rock star, I thought, “A sprite doesn’t sound pretty, and Dannielle is a big-fat-mean-head, but maybe I am wrong, and maybe sprites are actually beautiful.”  Then I google image’d Beautiful Sprite in Forest.

I hate you.  ALL OF YOU.

ANYWAY… If you’ve got a dumb question that has nothing to do with advice: CLICK HERE TO CHECK OUT OUR FORMSPRING

Dannielle Says:

They don’t DISGUST me, but like, i don’t want one in me….sooooooo. 

I know a lot of gay guys who are straight scared of Vaginezies. So, it must be a similar thing. 

I mean, i’m terrified of bugs, like all bugs…and I know not everyone is terrified of bugs, so it’s gotta be the same sort of thing with a peeweedo.

Kristin Says:

Aesthetically, this must be true for everyone on the face of the planet.  Mechanically, though, I’d think the penis would have a lot of fans across the spectrum of sexuality…I mean, it can do some pretty fun things?

There is only one way to figure this out: Someone must start a Facebook page for Penis, and see how many “likes” it gets.

Dannielle Says:

I’M SORRY WHAT??!?! //angrytown, population ME.

Ok, here’s what I would do if I were in your posish. (1) cry to my dad. (2) tell all my friends. (3) tell my drama teacher. 

However, these are pretty lame ways of doing. I think you should have your plan and the benefits of the alliance mapped out so that you can go to him with like a list of people willing to help run the alliance, some teachers who are down to sponsor events and help out, and some cool stuff you’re planning to do. People who are scared of gay people (because we’re contagious) are scared we’re going to take over the world (read: know we are taking over the world), so any sort of positivity in gayland is seen as a threat. Be sure to stay calm and “listen” to his “reasons” …you guys…he has no good reason, he sucks. 

Also, if you want Kristin and I to personally come down there and give a talk about how gay is good for the environment, we can arrange that. 

(but we charge as much as beyonce)

Kristin Says:

OH NO HE DIDN’T.

I’ll say this: if he even so much as TRIES to take your presidency away from you for starting a GSA, I will write him a letter that verbally kicks him in the homophobic balls. 

You should be extremely proud of yourself for being elected to a position in your school where you can make the changes you see fit, and founding a GSA is an incredible gift to the many youth who will attend your high school after you are off to college, the White House, etc.  Bravo.

Make yourself aware of your legal rights.  Principal ‘MoPhobe should not and cannot take your presidency away for these reasons; keep a record of the conversations that you have with him, and let other teachers and administrative staff know that you are displeased, and that you are well-versed in your rights as a student. 

By the by, if I do write him a letter, I think I may address it to “Principal ‘MoPhobe.”  Do you think he will get the joke?

Dannielle Says:

Well, when it comes down to it, you’re going to do what you want despite what we tell you to do. Furthermore, I don’t want to tell you what to do. I DO realize at this point in time, our country is run by republicans, churches and money. I DO realize this has a mad effect on your career choice, but there have been gays in the senate before, so we have a little bit of hope. Besides, Hillary Clinton is only, like, the third LADY Sec. of State, so you’re already having to clear some hurdles with that bad boy. 

You don’t have to wear your pride on your sleeve no matter what your career choice is. Hopefully, the person you’re with will understand that you don’t want to flaunt your relationship. Honestly, it shouldn’t be an issue. There are a lot of amazing things you can do within our government, and I’m not sure how old you are, but there is always a chance things will be completely different by the time you reach that point. 

That being said. 

Falling in love is hands down the most amazing experience you could ask for. If you force yourself to avoid that experience, you are seriously missing out. You will never get from a career, what you can get from someone who loves every piece of you for who you are. You will never be as happy raising a child alone as you will raising a child with your other half. 

Everything in life comes down to one decision: you or them. 

Are you living your life for yourself or for everyone else. Do YOU want to be happy, or do you want to be unhappy to make THEM happy. Just think about it before you make any rash decisions, and take it day to day. You can’t plan your entire life right now b/c you have no idea what’s going to happen tomorrow. 

Kristin Says:

I agree with pretty much everything Dannielle has said here…and I think your decision can be only that: your decision.  The only input that I have is to tell you that this list of goals that you have is very clear, concise, specific, and logical.  I often find that I have the ability to reason with this part of myself; in the moments when I can, everything fits nicely into a neat and tidy to-do list.  However, I have another side that is emotional, unpredictable, and passionate.  Personally, I know that I would never be able to operate solely in the logical, list-making head space.  There is a place for that, but I would not feel that I was truly living my life if I didn’t also experience the passionate unpredictability of falling in love. 

I am a person who aims to change the world around me by being honest about who I am, and challenging myself and others to accept that person.  That being said, I would never argue that this is the “right” way.  We all have very specific reasons for making choices in our lives, and I would never be so bold as to tell you what is the right choice for you.  Do try, though, to make decisions that make you feel {truly) happy.  It’s the only way to get what you want out of this backwards and confusing world.