everyone is gay

Dannielle Says:

You have GOT to be honest with him, and the sooner the better. The longer you wait, the harder it gets. Plus, the next thing you know, you’ll be bangin some chix havin’ the time of your lyfe and he’ll get a call from whatshername and she’ll be all ‘Yo, male bff, why didn’t you tell me that girl you like is a total ‘mo” and he’ll be like “what’re you talkin’ bout, whatshername?” and she’ll be like “whatever” and then he’ll call you and be like “Uhm, anonymous, I just heard the WEIRDEST rumor” and then you’ll start scream-crying b/c you never meant to hurt him. 

It will hurt him for a tiny bit and things will be weird for a while, but it’s for the best. He’ll accept it, and soon enough he will find someone he loves more than anything. The two of you will talk and talk and laugh and laugh, and everything will be harmonious again. 

Maybe take the edge off with some humor, “so, male bff, we have something in common, i also like b00bz.” FOR EXAMPLE

Kristin Says:

I agree, the sooner the better.  Explain to him that you want to tell him something about yourself that is very important to you because he means so much to you and is such an important part of your life.  Tell him that you would love nothing more than to have his support as you navigate the lesbian seas, and that you care for him very, very much.

If he loves you as much as you say he does, he won’t abandon you.  In time, you will get more comfortable with each other and you can swap stories about girls (and maybe even swap girls), and all will be as it should.

PS: have fun with the boobs.

Dannielle Says:

I think Cosmo would call this “SPICING IT UP IN THE BEDROOM” with a winky face. I have a 100% communication policy and talk about EVERYTHING. This is very recent though. I was in quite a few relationships where s-e-x was never mentioned. p.s. I spelled out the word so that our under 17 audience wouldn’t know what I was saying. 

If I were you I’d try the “have you ever used a strap-on or anything” approach. You ask, it sparks a conversation, boom, you’re in (sick). If your boo is all like “yea, they weird me out kinda,” then you could be like, “i feel like it depends on the person you’re with, like, for some reason I would really love to be boning and have your entire body lay on top of mine, I like the way you feel on me” and if I were her I would be like “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee” and I would giggle and put my head in your neck and we would cuddle and then make our way out to “Sexy Town” or “Bang Hers and Mash” or “Route 69” or whatever your local sexy store is, and pick up something strong yet fluffy.

Right?

Kristin Says:

Wow.  I just googled “Bang Hers and Mash,” and it didn’t pull up any sexy stores, so like, Dannielle should get royalties on whoever is smart enough to use that name.  I would buy so many things from that store - partly because I like sexy things, but mostly because I would want to make a wall collage of receipts that said “Bang Hers and Mash.”

The first thing that everyone should know is that, regardless of whether you are straight, gay or Ross Perot, using sexy toys with your partner does not mean that either of you are dissatisfied with sexy time sans-toys.  Like Tom Hanks said that one time, having sex is like a box of chocolates…sometimes you’ll reach in and pull out a caramel, and other times you’ll reach in and pull out a butter-cream, but you just NEVER KNOW WHAT YER GONNA GET.  What I mean to say is that, sometimes you’ll be like, “I need your hands in and on and all over me right now” (caramel) and other times you’ll be like, “can you say ‘George Washington had long hair’ three times while we use the strap-on” (buttercream).  Neither is better than the other, both require your partner’s participation, and both are satisfying in their own right.

So, firstly, read the above passage to your girlfriend and let her know that it comes from a very sage internet advice giver and is endorsed by Tom Hanks. #noitsnot

Secondly, listen to Dannielle: talk to each other.  Strap-ons (from what I hear) let you try different positions and try new things, just like many other toys.  That being said, some people like to try new things and some people don’t.  You just need to be sensitive to each other’s preferences, concerns and questions, and keep the dialogue open.  Let her know that the only reason you want to try new things is because she makes you feel safe and adventurous, and that you enjoy your sexy time with her so much already.  

Good luck and happy shopping!

Dannielle Says:

YOU GET OVER HERE AND LET ME GIVE YOU A HUG THAT’S HOW. Jaykay. That won’t do anything.

Let me tell you a shortened version of a long and painful story. The first girl I ever fell for, REALLY fell for, fell CRAZY for, I only dated for about 5 weeks. Ridiculous, I know, but it’s hard to distinguish your feelings when you’ve never had them. I couldn’t sleep b/c I thought about her too much. I couldn’t concentrate in classes, I wanted to impress her, I wanted her to want me forever. I told her I was crazy about her, I couldn’t stop talking about how much I liked her. I was her first girlfriend, and she was sort of scared, which I understood. Right before I left for fall break she asked if we could take things a little slower and I was, of course, fine with that. When I returned things were weird. I hated it. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on, but I had a constant sinking feeling in my stomach. I knew things weren’t the same, but I tried to ignore it. 

A few days later I finally found out what was up. She’d been seeing someone else. They started hooking up while I was gone (on my birthday, actually). The story is much more dramatic if you ever wanna hear it one day, but that’s not the important part. The important part is the fact that I was exactly where you are, thedamester. I was torn into tiny pieces and had no fucking clue how to get those pieces back together. For 1.5 years I was like that. I mean, I dated other people, I was over it, wasn’t a big deal…but truthfully, every time I saw her I felt a twinge, and that twinge didn’t go away. 

Feelings don’t just come and go when you want them to, it has a lot to do with growing and defining those feelings. What I had with GirlWhoSucks was nothing compared to the love and trust I’ve experienced since then. 

I encourage you to be thankful for these feelings, but let yourself experience them a little more. Don’t rush into anything and proclaim your love for someone just because it feels right in that one moment. Let your immediate crush-love turn into something more. Allow them to fall for you too. Enjoy your excitement and share every moment you can, but let them initiate a little. Give them space, give them the chance them miss you. Don’t try to stop yourself from feeling, that’s a lost cause, but instead of texting them EVERY time you think about them, do it every 10th time. 

Kristin Says:

When Dannielle and I were picking our weekly line-up of questions (we do that…we are professional and business-like), I read this question and was like, “Dannielle this one is so awesome, because WE ALL DO THIS.”  It isn’t true, of course…we don’t all wear our hearts on our sleeves, but I do…and I typically use myself as the representation for the whole world.

So.

Thing number one: Sometimes it is not possible to stop this ridiculous behavior.  I have been in relationships that are many years long, and I’ve still fallen into pockets where I drown my partner in love…I have a lot of feelings.

Thing number two: Dannielle is right, the older you get and the more relationships you trudge through, the more you learn how your loving self works, and the better control you will have over those tumultuous emotions.

Thing number three: Try to remind yourself that the person you care for knows that you care for them, and that saying it one time means a lot more then saying it 47 times.  I know it is hard.  Trust me…when I love someone I am like a screaming tea kettle…but it is much more efficient to let out the steam slowly and not spill your hot water all over the place. #metaphors

Thing number four:  You aren’t crazy.  Ok.  You are crazy, but so am I…and so are most of us.  Know that it will get easier over time, and that those feelings are super wonderful, and you aren’t dumb or silly or weird for feeling out of control when they are banging around in your insides.  

Dannielle Says:

I mean, we could nature vs. nurture this shit all day long, but like most things in life, it’s all subjective. 

I, personally, never even thought maybe I was actually sort of gay kind of until I was surrounded by it in college. It was never something that was an option for me. Not like my parents were haters or anything, I just never knew anyone gay in a close personal real life way, so it didn’t occur to me. Once I got to college, however, basically everyone i knew was gay (at least a little bit) and it sort of just hit me like a ton of bricks. That’s not to say I didn’t have those feelings long before, I definitely had them, I just didn’t understand them. 

That being said, I sincerely doubt you would be a straightie if you were raised by straighties. You can’t help the way you feel and you can’t feel the way you decide to feel. When it comes down to it, there’s something inside you that says ‘geez, I have b00bz, but like I wanna touch other girls b00bz’ or ‘man, i sho do luv the way my peewee feels on uther peewees’

… i’m really sorry i spelled ‘other’ with a ‘u’

ANYWAY. My point is, there’s something to be said for a good ole gay environment, but it certainly isn’t the reason you are who you are. There are kids who grow up in strong christian homes and become atheists all the time, you see? Just because you see the world one way as you’re being raised, does not mean your path is paved for you. If you fell in love with a member of the opposite sex, that would be that, and you would be like ‘goodness this feels right.’ The same way you’re a total gay and you’re like ‘gosh, this feels right.’

##gayssaygosh ##straightssaygoodness

Kristin Says:

Well, my goodness.  First of all, though it is tempting, let’s be nice to the straighties out there and not call their families boring.  I grew up with a mom and a dad, but I also had an Alyson, so I can say that there are a lot of different household structures out there that have a penis and a vagina but are still very, very far from boring.

I agree 100% with MTV’s next TJ Dannielle on this one…gay moms simply do not make their babies gay.  I mean, if your moms were giving you tiny baby books with pictures of a topless Evangeline Lily, then we should probably address some bigger issues, but if they were just your moms being your moms, then you are just…you.  There is an element of being in an atmosphere where you are allowed to embrace all of your parts that I am sure allows for more flexibility and exploration, but I think that is as far as it goes. 

Further, Dannielle and I are the only two people on Earth who have the power to turn anyone gay, and we use it very, very carefully.

Dannielle Says:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I know I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again and again until our blog doesn’t exist (which will only be because it is too far in the future and computers don’t exist and we are all robots). You have every right to be afraid. You’ve worked hard to cultivate a wonderful and loving relationship. You’ve spent every night for three years wondering ‘your place or mine?’ You thought her roommate was sort of funny, and she wished your roommate would be a little cleaner. You could always cook at her place, but you guys ordered in at your place. You hated her movie selection but loved her DVD box sets of multiple forgotten about TV shows. She loved that you were the only girl who was smart enough to order cable which included showtime. 

It’s the little things, it always is (and always will be) the little things. Moving in together is a scary and grown-up step. I mean, if we’re being totes honest, it’s been the demise of thousands of relationships. 

That being said. You’re ready. You’ve been in love for three years. You’re ready to create new little things that you love. You can go in together to pay for Showtime. You’ll be able to watch her box set of “Northern Exposure” whenever you want. You can order the same pizza every Tuesday and hope for your favorite pizza girl together. You can create a chore chart, and she can laugh at you and the two of you can roll around on your floor. You’ll be able to walk around in your undies whenever you feel like it. You can burp really loudly after drinking OJ out of the container. You can create a new world that the two of you share. And honestly, Anonymous, you get the opportunity to fall in love all over again. 

You can’t control the future or the past, don’t worry about it, think about it or long for it. Just live where you are, in the present. With the one you love. Fit your body with hers every night this year, because you can. You’re the luckiest person I know.

Kristin Says:

OH MY GOD MOVE IN WITH ME DANNIELLE.

Isn’t she the fucking dreamiest sometimes?!?!?!

There is little to nothing that I could add to such stupendous advice, aside from the awesome word ‘stupendous,’ you know?  A tiny bit of extra to put in your insanity pocket: 1) Allow yourself to be scared, and talk to her about it - open communication is never more important then when you are facing a big change together; 2) Be patient in the first few months as you both adjust, you will work out the kinks, I promise; 3) Know that, the worst case scenario here is that you find out you aren’t right for each other, and in the unlikely event that that DOES happen, that is a very great thing to know. 

You waited long enough, Anonymous.  I’d like you to imagine an army of lesbians cheering for you from the back of our U-Hauls.  Bravo, and may the force be with you.

Dannielle Says:

Chances are you’ve already kicked this guy to the curb. 

I dated someone for over a year who I couldn’t stand. I mean, while I was in it I was like ‘but she’s cute, and she likes all the best music and she takes pretty pixx,’ and I’m sure there were other things, but I can’t remember. I didn’t like the way she talked to me, I couldn’t stand her handwriting, she was a bitch to her parents, I hated how she talked about her friends behind their backs, she couldn’t cook, she didn’t understand improv, wasn’t good at math, was an incredible picky eater, didn’t say thank you enough…blah blah blah. All these things I can remember loathing, but when I dated someone else who didn’t understand improv, I loved explaining it to her. When the next person I dated wasn’t good at math, I loved figuring out math problems for her. When the next person I dated couldn’t cook, I loved cooking together and showing her cool things. 

You see where I’m going with this? I’m not going to sit here and tell you someone out there is going to be absolutely perfect in your eyes, but i will sit here and type it. 

You don’t have to believe in love and perfection and butterflies. BUT HERE’S THE THING. Love should be unconditional: “I love you no matter what.” Telling someone, “I love you when you’re acting this way,” or, “I only love you when your funny,” isn’t fair to anyone. 

The point: you love him when he’s not annoying. That is conditional love.

Conditional love is bullshit. 

Kristin Says:

I like how Dannielle got angrier and angrier and angrier as her answer continued.  The summary of the journey that we just went on was like, ‘Dude, I totally get you, and also you should just move on and also BULLSHIT I SAY!’  #dannielleisthebest

But, yeah.  If you are annoyed after a few weeks, guess what?  Done. Game over.  Try again next time.

At the less-than-four-months stage you should be replaying things in your head and getting weak in the knees, talking to your friends about everything he does that makes him perfect, and having sex in the backs of cabs.  JUST SAYING.

Irritation of this nature should not begin until you’ve discussed things such as, “Why do you always buy the Charmin Soft, it sticks to my butt.”  You know?

Dannielle Says:

I know this is hard to hear, but this relationship is not going to last. To keep it a little nicer, he has another life and can’t live two lives forever. 

To be harsh: if he cared about you, he wouldn’t have married her. If he wanted something more than a friendship with you, he would have said something. If he was willing to rearrange his life to be with you, he would have. BUT he didn’t, he isn’t planning to, and he won’t. 

You will feel these feelings again, in fact, you’ll feel more than these feelings b/c it will be a feelings exchange between you and someone you actually know in real life. 

Also, you are 13 years old. I know you’re tired of people telling you what to do and telling you that you’re too young to make decisions, but trust me, this is not a safe situation that you’ve put yourself in. I know, he’s being honest about his wife and kid, so it doesn’t seem bad, but let’s say he’s only 10 years older than you. Reverse the situation. Would you be trying to court a 3 year old? No. 

Stop talking to him. The internet is dangerous. It’s wonderful, but still dangerous if you don’t know how to use it.

Kristin Says:

This is one of the hardest advice questions we have gotten, because it is SO easy to just read this and say, “the guy is a creep, you are too young, and you should step away from the computer immediately.”  I am not going to say any of those things, though, because I think that we are all very different human beings at varying points in our lives, and Dannielle has established the level of respect for your situation that I hope we have established, on some level, in all of our answers.

There are very, very basic things that are troubling about your relationship right from the start.  Your lives are in monumentally different places.  You are in school and worrying about grades and teachers and what your parents are asking of you; he is adjusting to a new wife, a growing son, and a divorce.  I believe very much that you have a connection with him, but the connection is not enough to sustain a relationship. 

Please trust us.

Usually we give advice that is open-ended, and that allows for a bit of interpretation.  I hope that our directness in this answer will be taken seriously because of that.  Do not pursue this.  If he is encouraging the sparks that you speak about, he is already betraying his wife…not to mention his son.  You need to put your attention on the people around you who respect those they love. 

Be strong enough to cut this off.  You will be exceptionally proud of yourself as soon as you are able to step away from the situation enough to see it clearly.

Dannielle Says:

I know that everyone who has ever been in a relationship is AGAINST communication, but like, will you bitches plzzz just TALK to each other?!?

Srsly, I mean, there are 25 million reasons she might not like to be nakey. Maybe she has a massive birthmark that spans her entire torso, and it’s shaped like the killers mask from SCREAM. Maybe she’s testing your love for her, and figures if you never ask to see her naked, you don’t really love her. Maybe she gets very cold, very easily. Maybe she has a tattoo that says “you pave paradise to put up a parking lot.”

Just so everyone knows, that last one is the most embarrassing thing I could think of. 

The only way you will ever find the answer to this bad boy, is by asking your honeybear (i’m assuming you guys call each other that). I can make a list of what it MIGHT be for the rest of my life, but that will get you nowhere. Just sit her down and be like “loveylump, all I wanna do is stare at your nakey body all day long b/c you’re banging and i love bonin you, but, like, why can’t I get a look at that?”

Also, it could be much more deep rooted than you’ve let yourself imagine, so get real with her, listen to her, and love her no matter what.

Kristin Says:

I was really, really hoping that I could get through my internet career without people knowing of my Scream-mask-shaped torso-birthmark, Dannielle.  WTF.

Here’s the thing.  My advice partner in crime is correct on all counts.  There is no way for us to know why your lady won’t take her ‘Everyone Is Gay’ underpants off for you, but I would imagine that it is in some way related to being uncomfortable with her body.  The only thing that I can add to the talk-to-her approach is to tell you to throw some seriously specific sexy compliments her way, and to have patience in allowing her to become increasingly comfortable with you and with herself.

Tell her that you love how she has freckles on the tops of her shoulders.  Tell her that you love the soft skin behind her knees.  Tell her you go crazy when her hair is pulled up off of her neck.  Tell her about the things you imagine, and make your eyes pop out when you describe those naked imaginings.  Give it time, and be persistent with your kudos.  One day maybe she will take her shirt off for you, and then maybe a few weeks later she’ll lose the bra…etc.  Before you know it she’ll be peeing on the toilet and brushing her teeth while you pluck your eyebrows in your boxers, and you will long for the days when you couldn’t wait to see her boobies.  Tada.

Dannielle Says:

You make a decision. These are two people you care deeply about and you’re running the risk of breaking them both. You have to decide what’s best for you. If you’re falling in love with your best friend, by all means, go for it. Things are going to be dramatic and everyone is going to hurt,  but you can’t sacrifice your happiness for someone else’s. You have to get real in your brain, be like ‘yo self, do i just wanna bone my bff b/c my gf is gone, or do i legit wanna hold her hand for an extended amount of time.’ 

If it’s the second one, get real with your current girl, talk to her and tell her your feelings aren’t the same, blah blah blah. Don’t cheat on her and say ‘i cheated on you’ so that she dumps you. That’s cheap and also makes you a very shitty person. Plus, why would bff wanna date you back if she knows you’re a cheat-mouth?

Kristin Says:

I really am convinced, more and more each day, that best friends are actually secret vessels for love-town and sexyville thoughts.  Luckily for me, my best friend is the first girl I ever fell in love with, so we already got that part out of our systems.

You are in quite a pickle.  The truth of the matter is, this may not be entirely about you falling for your best friend.  This may be a combination of you having some unacknowledged feelings for your friend that are surfacing now because you are struggling with maintaining a long distance relationship.  It is very difficult to pull all the muck apart when you are in situations like these, but it is really important to try and do so.  

How long is your girlfriend going to be away?  Is this a very permanent situation?  How is that making you feel?  Address these issues first.  You may find that you are more upset about being far away from her than you realize, and you may have to decide to part ways on those grounds, and not because you are simply “falling for another.”  You know?

Lastly, your best friend is going to be around…so there is no need to jump on that (figuratively and literally) just yet.  Work on your relationship first, and if nothing is working, then do like Dannielle said and be honest with your girl and don’t put your cheater-hat on.  Those things are wicked ugly.

Dannielle Says:

While I would love to say “you feel her body tremble in a way that only you know b/c it’s what YOU do to her,” the word ‘tremble’ makes me wanna vom and people fake it all the time.

The truth is, you have to be open and honest. I, personally, prefer the ‘no fakin’ it policy.’ Boning is something that happens between the two of you, takes time to completely figure out, and will never be awesome if you don’t communicate. Some might say ‘use sexy talk’ like, for example, ‘is this nice’ or ‘oh yea, do you like that’ or ‘is momma good to you’ … Sexy talk is not something I do, nor will ever do, just to be clear. HOWEVER, do what you gotta do to make sure you are “fixing” it right.

p.s. FIXING?!?! FIXING???!!!!!

Kristin Says:

As you should all know by now, sometimes I cannot start answering something before I laugh properly at Dannielle.  So.  Remember that time that she said you could dirty talk to your girl saying, “is momma good to you”?!…BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA.

Listen, as Meg Ryan showed us in “When Harry Met Sally,” you usually can’t tell when a lady fakes her hoo hoo.  If it’s a casual hoo-up (I just typo’d that but it makes so much sense so I am leaving it), then you just have to choose to believe that her moans are for real, and believe it enough that you can get maintain your boner, you know?  If she is faking it, you will never know, and who cares - you had a good time.

If you are dating the girl, you should not have to be constantly worrying that she is screaming but really thinking, “Why is she still blowing on my vagina?! It doesn’t feel good.”  So, like, let her know it is okay to have a little bit of a time-delay sometimes - if you are struggling, be honest with her, and open up the conversation to allow for different ideas.  Sometimes you need to do some things yourself, and other times your girl is the only one who can make your head fall of your shoulders (in a sexy way).  If you let her know that it is okay to be open about those things, then she will be comfortable being honest with you, too.

Dannielle Says:

OMG I HATE EVERYONE IN THE WORLD. 

…sorry about the exaggeration. Here’s the thing. If I were you, I’d be like ‘you’re right, let’s have gay sex and turn you gay’ or ‘i know, I just wish you’d wait for the right girl, so you could be gay like me’ or ‘i wish you would try a little harder to be gay, it’s sooooo in right now, GAY IS THE NEW STRAIGHT LOL!’ 

But, like, actually say ‘el oh el’ and then look at them like they’re ignorant and complete idiots, or just start laughing hysterically, and when they ask you why you’re laughing, just say ‘wait… you’re not kidding, you’re ACTUALLY that dumb?’

Or fill a bag with poop, put it on their doorstep and light it on fire, then ring the doorbell. 

OR you can always smile and look at them like you’re so thankful for them and when they say ‘what?’ you can say ‘I’m just REALLY glad you’re not one of my close friends, you know?” in a really sincere way. 

Kristin Says:

The truth of the matter is, we all know that if they just had gay sex, they totally wouldn’t be straight anymore…so, like, joke’s on them.

I’M KIDDING. Sort of.  

Dannielle has given you a shining list of ways to make them realize their idiocy (unless they are a bonafide idiot, because those kind of idiots seldom realize such things).  I will add that, if you want to try to get them to take a step forward in their thinking, as opposed to just kicking them in the nuts with your wits, you can use her above examples with a touch less sarcasm.  It will be a lot less fun, but you may get the trade-off of having one person out of five blink at you a few times and be like, “Boy was I ever dumb, Anonymous.”  So, here are a few modifications:

Take out the ‘el oh el’ and say something like, ‘That is interesting. Do you think if you met the right same-gendered person you would be gay?  I don’t think that would be the case for me, but maybe you feel differently?’

OR, you can smile at them like Dannielle suggested, but when they ask why you are smiling you can say, “Oh, I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to have a conversation about why the things you said are insulting to me, I am friendly enough to sit down with you and go over a few things.”

OR, attach a sign to a bag of poop that says ‘I think you should put more thought into how you speak to others,’ put it on their doorstep and light it on fire, and then ring the doorbell.

Dannielle Says:

Normally in a situation like this I think it’s best to literally just talk about it. Usually, they don’t have a very good argument. We all know the Jesus argument doesn’t work, b/c Jesus would be like ‘oh word gays, let’s go to the mall.’  

So, when you sit them down and you’re like ‘really, why don’t you like Jamie’ and they respond ‘because she’s gay’ then you respond ‘yea, i guess i do dislike you because you’re straight, that makes sense’ then look at them like they’re all idiots and explain why Jamie is the fuckin best.

When it comes down to it, some people are just close-minded assholes who don’t deserve your time, don’t let it get you down, b/c for every close-minded jerk, there are 2 open-minded lovers waiting to hug your guts out. ew. 

Kristin Says:

Hm.  Okay.  From the few words that you’ve shared with us, it seems you are a very open-minded person.  You probably do your best to try to understand your close-minded friends, and appreciate some of their strong qualities despite their ignorant behavior.  I could never tell you that you should stop being friends with people for their close-mindedness, but the position you are in is one without an easy answer.

The best thing to do would to engage them in dialogue about why they refuse to accept your gay friends (like Dannielle said).  I find that, in most cases, open and honest discussions about these things can open up a lot of room for common ground.  You should stand firm in your support of your gay friends (which it sounds like you are already doing), and hopefully your other friends will either learn from you, or at least make some baby steps forward in their thinking.

Also, there are these two lesbians I know who are pretty hilarious and entertaining on the internet, so like…maybe they can help you by using their crowbar of wits to pry open some closed minds to some new stuff.  …Just saying.

PS: For reference, Dannielle’s Jesus quote can be found in Galatians 5:22.  The translation is usually a little different, but directly taken from the Sanskrit it is, indeed, ‘oh word gays, let’s go to the mall.’

Dannielle Says:

The deal is, when you’re dealing with online, you’re dealing with the possibility that, yes, she is an 80 year old man. 

##thedeal

You should probably get real serious with her and say ‘listen, i like you, A LOT, and I want to keep liking you, but there’s only so much I can do without phone/videochat.’ Hopefully she’ll understand, since she’s also in an online relationship, you know?

You can’t go your entire life not knowing who you’re dating. That would be a ridiculous request. 

Kristin Says:

Oh, god.  This is so embarrassing.  It’s ME, Anonymous.  It’s me, and we are dating, and I haven’t called you because I thought you would recognize my voice from this blog and you would be so overwhelmed with my fame that you would break-up with me.  I’M SO SORRY.

Here’s the thing.  That was obviously all a lie (how would you recognize my voice from the internet, you guys).  There is a chance that your lady has a deep man voice or a tiny squirrel voice, or she is HORRIBLE on the phone and hilarious online, etc.  Basically, there are a bunch of reasons that she might be afraid to use the phone…and there is definitely always the chance that she is an 80 year old man.  SO.  I would say to her something like the following: “Hey internet lover.  I like you so much, but like, you could be a twelve year old with a good vocabulary for all I know, and maybe you think I won’t like you anymore if I hear your voice or find out that you stutter (OMG I just thought of that, maybe that is why she won’t call you!), but I like you enough to know that hearing your voice will make me like you even more.  I also know that I need to hear your voice in order to feel like we are moving forward in our relationship, so, without meaning to sound harsh, I can’t talk to you online again until you call me - even if it is only for one minute.  Deal?”

##thedeal

Also, some eighty year old men are totes hot, so like, it could be a win-win situation.

Dannielle Says:

Feeling absolutely down about yourself at the age of 14 is completely normal. Not to say that it’s cool or exciting or easy, but there are A LOT of people who feel exactly how you feel. 

The thing about being a teenager is, you have no idea what you want. You’re still in a stage of being told what to do and where to go and who to hang out with. People make you take tests to define who you are and what you’re doing with your life. You’re not allowed to ride in a car with one friend b/c he hasn’t had his license for over a year, but you CAN ride in a car with a different friend b/c your mom has been friends with his mom and she TRUSTS him. You can’t make your own decisions, because you’re not ‘old enough.’ Everything bad that happens feels a thousand times worse. You’re convinced that no one understands your feelings b/c no one can FEEL what you’re feeling. 

We have all had those feelings, and everyone around you has them right now. It’s hard, but it’s a part of life. I don’t know why, but I think hormones do this thing to you where they make you sad as shit for 5 years and then you grow up and you’re like ‘what was i thinking?!?! LIFE RULES!’ 

For now, do things that make you happy, listen to music, play songs, see concerts, hang out with your friends and play dumb games just to have fun. Keep your head held high and dream big. One day, you’ll look back and be like ‘glad that’s over, but like, if i had to go back, i wouldn’t change a thing.’

Kristin Says:

I think you would be weird if you didn’t feel lonely and sad sometimes…but maybe that is just because I felt the exact same way at fourteen…and I still have moments  like those now.  I think some people are given hearts and minds that see things simply - these are the people who can have unshaking spiritual faith, and who choose not to watch documentaries on the destruction of the planet because they would much rather smile and love those around them and leave it at that.  Then, there are the rest of us.  The people who dig into life and pull it apart and cry over its imperfections and rage at its ignorance - and we question everything.  I have a feeling you might be on the latter side of the fence…and so, if that is the case, I would just tell you to look at the positive things that come of your inner struggle.

There are many days where I wish I could just let it all go, stop asking, and just smile and leave it simply at that…but there are many more days when I appreciate my need to get down and dirty with this insane life that I have been given.  Now, if you are sad all the time and you don’t want to see your friends or find new music or sketch on your sneakers, that is worrisome, and you should talk to someone - probably starting with your mom.  If, however, you are only stumbling into pockets of time when everything feels overwhelming and lonely…then try to rest assured that as you grow you will discover some very meaningful things about yourself within those pockets, and that those discoveries will allow you to appreciate other elements of life very, very deeply.

Either way. write down the way you are feeling.  Nothing helps me more than shuffling back a few months or years in my journal and reading about my personal struggles and how I worked through them. 

Dannielle Says:

I think it’s possible to make up any kind of word you want to describe any kind of feelings you don’t understand. 

The long and short of it is, love is love. 

If you want to date someone, do it, don’t call yourself bi just because you like a girl and a boy. Don’t call yourself gay just because you realize you like girls mostly. Don’t call yourself straight because your a girl who likes boys, but understands girls are attractive. It’s a waste of time. 

Just feel the way you feel about the people you feel feelings for, and forget your internal need to define it. 

What if I told you that thinking a girl is pretty makes you gay? Would you believe me, and would you start calling yourself gay? No, you would think I was an idiot and you would stop reading this blog. It’s all subjective, people, if you want to call yourself gay, bi, straight, forward, broken, purple or dumb, do it.

It’s your life, it’s now or never, you’re not gonna live forever, you just gotta live while you’re alive. its. your. life. 

(inspired by bon jovi)

Kristin Says:

So, let me get this straight, straightey.  You are asking if I think it is possible to want to cuddle and buy flowers and chocolates for someone of the same gender as yourself, but to not want to kiss them or touch their ay-oh…and you are using some words that exist to try to explain that, right?

I say everything Dannielle said, and I’d like to add a dose of you-might-actually-WANT-to-touch-the-person’s-ay-oh-and-are-just-scared-because-you-haven’t-done-that-before.  So, go ahead and be all biromantic and if it leads to sexytime, please write us a note that says, “Wow, you guys, everyone really is gay, dot com.”

Seriously, though.  OF COURSE it is possible to be attracted to LOTS OF DIFFERENT PEOPLE in MANY VARYING WAYS and to express those feelings in A MULTITUDE OF FASHIONS.  There are people out there who get turned on by fingernail clippings, you guys.  Must we name everything?!

(PS: If so, I’d like to name that clippertownsexuality.)

(PPS: I didn’t mean to yell at you, I am sure you are very nice and smart and sweet.  I just get frustrated sometimes.)