everyone is gay

hahhaah personaly… who am i?

Dannielle Says: 

Did I tell you germs that my dad sent me a text while I was in Chicago that said “Go back to that novelty shop you took me to and get me those clown shoes” … bc that’s real life… my real life.. So, I had to go to this tiny store in boystown called ‘BEATNIX’ and buy my father clown shoes.

Why, you ask?? Because he wanted to wear them TO WORK and then he wanted to wear them ON THE GOLF COURSE and then? he wanted to wear them to STARBUCKS. So, he did. and he thought it was the funniest thing. During Christmas my dad mysteriously disappeared for about 15 minutes and came back to pass out presents WEARING CLOWN SHOES. This is my father, yall. It was the funniest thing. 

Honest to cheese, you guys, this was the best Christmas I’ve ever had in my entire life ever. I miss my family, I love my family, I love giving people stuff, I love traveling, I love Chicago, I love not wearing a jacket on Dec 26th (in SC), I love being with the people I care most about for extended amounts of time… I love a whole buncha shit, you know?

Kristin Says: 

Well, here we are, gaybeans. Here we are at the end of 2011, and what a year it has been, you know? Beyonce got pregnant, Rebecca Black sang a song about Fridays, I can now get married in my home state, and Google+ solidified its place as the stupidest thing on the planet.

Also, we visited thousands of your amazing heads all down the east coast, raised enough money to help us work on Everyone Is Gay full-time, and are planning a 2012 full of incredible, crazy and hilarious things, AND I AM SO EXCITED.

In all honesty, it has been an incredible year, and so much in part to you all and your support of us and all of our antics.  That all said, I wish to leave you with this piece of art to bring your 2012:

Happy, Happy New Year.

-Question asked by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Kristin wears them. 

AND SHE WON’T LET ME WEAR A PINKY RING. 

The humanity…

Chuck Bass wears a pinky ring, KRISTIN.

Kristin Says:

I said it once and I will say it again: I do not judge anyone based on their outward appearance, ever. Unless they are wearing a pinky ring.

To answer your question, Anonymous: yes, ugg boots are warm and cozy, although horrible for your back. I recommend Dr. Scholls inserts for support.

#adviceforthemasses

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Dude, you don’t have to hang out with her friends. As long as you don’t jump on her boner for hanging out with them, you’re cool. 

This is like dating someone who’s passion is carpet thread, and they want to take you to all the thread seminars and you’re like ‘this is boring as fuck and i don’t like it but i’m so in love with you, i guess i’ll go anyway’ …as time goes on you start to hate every little thing about carpet threads, you wish they would all burn and hardwood floors would take over. That feeling of hate, in turn, makes you despise everything your boonugget likes, and then eventually you think she sucks. Just let her go to her carpet thread seminars and you can totally join her once in a while, but you don’t have to be by her side every time. 

As long as you’re being nice and wonderful and not making her feel bad for hanging out with her friends you don’t like, you’ll be fine. We don’t have to have all the same friends as the person we love. We don’t have to eat the same meals, we don’t have to like all the same things, we don’t have to have the same passion. BUT, we do have to understand those differences and find a compromise that works. For you FRANNIE, that compromise means your boobear chills with her friends and you don’t join her every single time.

Kristin Says:

Yup. That’s pretty much the whole kit-n-kaboodle. 

I am most certain that you have it in you to go out once in awhile and laugh at her friends when they drink a little too much and climb on the Ceasar’s head statue in the fountain of the hotel lobby and then steal a mannequin hand from inside of a display window*, you know?

The best thing for you to do is to talk to your honeypiebooface and tell her, “Hey, you. I just want you to know that I love your friends and I love you, but a lot of times I feel a little bit out of it when we all hang out, so what I thought was, let me join you some of the time, and the rest of the time, is it cool if you party it up with them while I do our laundry and drink cocoa**?”

You think she is amazing, you are in love, you are completely willing to give her space and one of your main concerns is that she still get to experience the joys of being in her early twenties…which makes you an incredible girlfriend right from the start. This absolutely does not have to be a deal-breaker. You should just talk to her with as much love as you obviously have for her and find a middle ground where she knows that you respect her friends, so that you are both satisfied with the plan moving forward.

*true events pulled from my sister’s life
**true events pulled from my life 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Well, the first thing to do is realize that him hooking up with people in the past does not make him a cheater. The second thing to do is realize that you’re cheater paranoia has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your own trust issues. The third thing to do is take a step back and realize him talking to someone he once hooked up with is the same as you talking to someone you once had a crush on. Just because you liked them or were attracted to them at one point in time DOES NOT mean those feelings last forever, or that you’ll forget you’re in a relationship with JONSEY just because you’re in convo with this person from your past. 

Once you have all those things in place, put them together for a good ole helping of Trusty-Understanding-Not-As-Freaked-Out stew. JONSEY has had a lot of hook-ups, and that makes you uncomfortable bc you have not. The two of you are different people and you had different pasts and the past can not and does not change, so this is something you literally have to just talk yourself out of being upset about. YOU’RE ALSO UPSET because you’ll think he’s going to cheat on you, this is your own issue, you have GOT to let go and allow yourself to trust him, if you do not trust him your relationship WILL NOT work. Simple as that. YOU’RE ALSO ALSO upset because you have nothing to compare this to, you don’t talk to your past hook-ups because you don’t have any. 

BUT LISTEN YOU GUYS…If you have ever had feelings for another human being, you can put yourself in JONSEYZ shoes and know what you would do in his situation. Feelings and bonings can be one in the same, it’s awesome for a second and then when it’s over it’s over, end of story. If JONSEY is telling you it’s over, you have to trust that it’s over. The same way you talking to the first boy you ever had a crush on means nothing to you, him talking to a guy he hooked up with in a Chilli’s bathroom means nothing to him. 

Kristin Says:

I am pretty open minded when it comes to sex and such, but can you all PLEASE refrain from hooking up in Chili’s bathrooms?! That just doesn’t sound appetizing. No pun intended.

Anyhoo. Yes, Dannielle hit the ol’ cheater-fear-nail on the head. You have absolutely been given a bit more ammo to feed into those fears of being betrayed since you know that JONSEY has been a man-about-town, but ultimately this is a situation where you are finding yourself unable to trust him.

What do we always say, gaybeans?

{Gaybeans take collective deep breath and shout together en masse: TALK TO HIM, ANONYMOUS!}

Seriously. Talk to him and just tell him, “Listen, JONSEY, I need you to know that from time to time I feel a little scared and a little jealous because I know you’ve hooked up with a lot of dudes and I haven’t. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand the dynamic between you and those guys and I also just wind up feeling insecure - and I am doing my best to work on that but it would be super helpful if you could be open to the fact that it is something I am working on, and maybe help me out from time to time by being sensitive.”

JONSEY should, if he is a good boyfriend, listen to you and make you feel good about trying to alleviate your fears. He should help you, and he should not patronize you and make you feel worse. You both need to be open about your questions and concerns, but you, Anonymous, you must be SURE not to do things like scowl at him across the room when he says hello to ex #4, or forbid him from going to a party where ex #1 will be, or give him shit about his past in general. Those things are unfair, and you need to be respectful of him and of his space.

Lastly, you most certainly are not the only gay man in the world who isn’t over the moon about having a ton of hook-ups. I would give you a list, but like, that seems distasteful so TRUST ME. #getit #bcyouhavetrustissues #practice

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

DEFINE. GAY. YALL.

Because like, if 30 years from now, I meet the dreamiest of all dreams and it happens to be a boy, then so be it, and if that happens to make me not gay, whoops, and if yall happen to hate me for it…then you’re jerks. 

I realized I had a liking for girls after one kissed me and I was like ‘oh word, we date then??’ …so I dated a girl, I had REAL intense and legit feelings for a girl a few months later, but she was over it in a matter of 4 weeks. So, I had my actual first pain in my heart area and couldn’t breathe and felt stupid and thought i was worthless bc of a girl around then….and I didn’t fall in love with a girl until years after that…so like, WHICH ONE OF THOSE THINGS MAKES ME GAY YALL??? Because there’s a range from 19 - 26 you know what I mean?

The thing about certainty is…it doesn’t exist, I think everyone will always doubt everything bc that is life and THAT IS OKAY. Don’t worry about being certain you’re gay, worry about the person you feel like you maybe might like. Think about all the reasons you like them, and like them for those reasons. I’m willing to bet none of those reasons have ANYTHING to do with their gender. Take it one day at a time gaynonymous. You don’t have to have anything figured out anytime soon. Like who you like until you don’t like them anymore…then like another person and then another and then another…they might all be girls, they might all be boys, they might all identify as something totally different and none of it will make you gay or straight. It’ll make you human. 

You are a human who likes humans, and I like you.

Kristin Says:

Yuuuuuuuup. WHAT. SHE. SAID.

You want to hear my history in the world of gay? When I was in 8th grade my mom asked me repeatedly if I was a lesbian, to which I would retort, disgustedly, “EW MOM NO WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” I had absolutely no sexytime thoughts about ladies, and it didn’t strike me the least bit odd that I would dedicate love songs to my very best friend on the whole planet who I adored and loved. SHE WAS JUST MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER. You know?

Then, in 10th grade I kissed two girls and I thought it was total lame sauce and called my two best friends at the time and was like, “YOU GUYS I KISSED TWO GIRLS AND IT WAS SO GROSS, SO JUST SO YOU KNOW I AM STRAIGHT.”

Then, in 12th grade I lost out on the lead in the school musical to this junior girl who had never even done a musical before and I was fuming with rage (you guys, I cannot sing…so I need to calm down). Then at a party a few weeks later we made out and I was like, “OH.” Then we kept making out and I was like…”OHHH.” Then I got feelings for her like whoa and then I was like…well, I guess I am bisexual.

Then I only ever dated girls except this one dude named Assam (pronounced AWE-SOME) who I went to dinner with, but wound up talking about Britney Spears the whole time…so now I just say I’m gay because it seems applicable.

But you guys. So many of us don’t know anything for certain, and that is totally fine. I wouldn’t say I know anything for certain, and like Dannielle, if I trip on an extension cord at Home Depot and knock over a lightbulb display and the dude who comes to help clean up looks into my eyeballs and I’m like, “OH.” Then like…who the fuck knows?!

You know?

You are who you are. That’s it.

Dannielle Says:

This. Just. In.

I come from a family of murderers….SORT OF. My Nana’s uncle was shot by his wife (her bail was set at $1,500) and my nana’s great grandad was an outlaw….HE WAS WANTED…bc he was a total murderer. Soooooo basically don’t piss me off bc who knows what could happen. 

But seriously, Christmas for the moms side of the fam was yesterday and we ended up pilfering through the oldest of old photos, dating back to like the 20s, it was pretty cool to learn things about my family that i never would have even thought about…also, found this gem:

SO WHATEVER. THIS IS MY LIFE. I WISH I STILL HAD THAT SWEATER. 

Kristin Says:

Well. If Dannielle’s family is a family of murderers, I can only say that my family is a family of idiots. In the best sense of the word, of course. 

My sister, who lives in LA, is home for the holidays and the chaos has already begun. First of all, she packed 12 pairs of shoes for her 10 day stay here in New York…so, that’s one thing. Second of all, last night she purchased a coffee mug that holds an entire pot of coffee. Third of all, my mom just walked into my room and said, “WHO IS THE GUY THAT IS SLEEPING ON OUR FLOOR?”

So.

Oh, and also, this is what my sister did to my mom’s nativity set, which she hasn’t noticed yet….

Merry Christmas!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Even if you “femme it up” (which btw sounds like the STUPIDEST LIPSTICK COLOR), you’ll feel like everyone is staring at you and talking about you and there are elephants everywhere. I, personally, think you should walk in and go ‘DON’T WORRY GUYS, THE DIVERSE FAMILY MEMBER IS HERE’ and then point to yourself and say ‘gay’ and wink… but I realize probably most people wouldn’t do that.

You should calm yourself down before you go over and remember to talk to everyone as you have always talked to them. If they ask how school is, talk about school, if they ask about work, talk about work, if they ask who you’re dating feel free to tell them who you are or aren’t dating. The weird thing about families is that they usually want to make you feel comfortable but have no idea how. So, they’ll be a little quieter than usual and not know whether or not they can ask you questions. AND THEN ALSO YOU will feel so weird and paranoid bc you’ll be certain they’re all thinking about your gayness, and it’ll be even more quiet.

Don’t worry so much. They probably are thinking about it, they probably want to ask you about it, they probably don’t know if you know they know about it. It’s going to be a little bit awkward and as long as you realize that, you’ll be in a good space. It’s cool for things to be awkward, but it’s even cooler to recognize the awkward, move past the awkward and say ‘this isn’t as awkward as i thought it was going to be, i was sure you guys were going smile really weird all day and not say anything’ then family member #2 will giggle and be like ‘nah, we still love you’ and that will be that.

Kristin Says: 

Yeah, so. The first way to be an awkward elephant (who in my mind is the cutest cartoon character this side of gay river) is to wear a lady-costume. You squeezing into some lame-ass turtleneck sweater #hahaha and heels is going to make you feel even more uncomfortable, because the whole time you’ll be like, “Ugh everyone knows I’m gay and also I have tripped seven times and my neck is sweating.”

See what I mean?

Don you now your gay apparel and be yourself.

Those first few conversations that navigate into gay land (which is where gay river is located) will be a little hesitant a possibly a little awkward, but a lot of times those uncomfortable family members are just waiting to take your lead on how open they can be about talking to you about your life. If Aunt Tilda asks you a question about who you are dating and she has that look of ‘how-do-i-do-this’ panic in her eyes, just squeeze her padded shoulder and say, “I’m not seeing anyone at the moment, but it means so much to me that you would ask, and like, Cousin Lisa sure is looking HOT these days, you know?!” 

Don’t say that last part about Cousin Lisa. Unless you guys are cool with dating cousins. I was just making a joke. Sometimes I like to make jokes. {panics}

…IS EVERYONE STILL WITH ME?

Anyway. What I mean to say is: take a deep breath, wear what you feel comfortable wearing, laugh about Uncle Bobby’s eggnog addiction and Cousin Sally’s teacup poodle addiction, reassure nervous family members who ask about your life and BE YOURSELF. Talk about what you want to talk about and remember that the more comfortable you feel, the more comfort you will bring to all of those awkward cartoon elephants.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

When I was in college I had a friend approach me and tell me that the relationship I was in wasn’t healthy. She told me I’d changed and she didn’t understand what she could do to get our friendship back…She was totally right, but because of where I was in life, I thought my terrible stupid relationship was more important and she was jealous. I talked to my girlf at the time about it and all that did was make her hate my friend. I literally didn’t see my friend until years later.

Now, do I think this is the fault of my friend speaking up and telling me how she felt? No, not at all. HOWEVZIES, there’s this thing that happens when you’re in a relationship where NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE IS POINTLESS AND THE ONLY THING THAT IS REAL IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Also, you get in this headspace where you realize you’re not hanging out with your friends as much, talking to your family as much, working as hard, taking the alone time you need, and deep down you feel REAL shitty about all those things, so if someone mentions one of them you’re automatically on the defense and you freak the fuck out and you’re like ‘WELL MAYBE IF I LIKED THIS JOB I’D WORK HARDER’ ….when in reality you should still be working hard, you’re just distracted. 

The truth is, anonypants, I think you should talk to your friend, but I think you should try your hardest not to make friend feel like an asshole. Mention your concerns and how you wanna be able to see friend more often, ask if friend has felt AT ALL hesitant about where friend’s relaysh is headed and make it a conversation. Don’t accuse friend, don’t tell friend what friend is doing, and don’t tell friend how friend ‘never would have done this’ before… just have the conversation calmly and remember that your friendship is more important than you making a point. 

Kristin Says:

AMEN SISTER.

This is one of those days where Dannielle said everything perfectly and I am sipping my tea thinking, ‘I should probably just add a picture of a kitten and then go have a cookie.’

However, eating cookies doesn’t pay the bills #unlessyourecookiemonster.

The thing I would like for you to remember is that, when pressured, human beings generally have the instinct to struggle, even if they know you are right.  I could be strolling down the street on my way to purchase a new Harry Potter shower curtain, and my Mom could call me and be like, “Kristin, you absolutely have to go get a new shower curtain, and it should be the Harry Potter kind,” and I am automatically going to be like, “Wait, do I even want a shower curtain? Why are you TELLING ME WHAT I CAN AND CAN’T DO.” 

My philosophy when it comes to friendship is to remain a person who can be confided in, and a person who does not say what is and is not right - unless, of course, they are in physical or emotional danger. Giving your friend the room to navigate those feelings and this new relationship on their own is important because then, when they begin to feel shitty about things, they will be able to turn to you and honestly navigate those feelings with someone who is there to support them.

We all know how frustrating it is to watch someone you care about make decisions that aren’t good for them - it sucks, and you just want to scream, “STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU ARE BLINDED BY BUTTERFLIES AND THIS IS SO DUMB AND YOU ARE BEING SOOO DUMBBBB,” but, you shouldn’t do that. Okay? Deep breath, be there for your friend, and let her learn from her own choices and feelings and mistakes.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

OH GOD, HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS.

Kristin Says:

THIS CANNOT POSSIBLY BE POSSIBLE HOW CAN I EVER GO ON OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOW CAN YOU {DEEP BREATH} HOW CAN YOU NOT BE GAY EVERYONE IS GAY AND THAT IS THE NAME OF OUR WEBSITE AND SO OBVIOUSLY THAT IS LITERALLY WHAT WE MEAN AND OH MY GOD {DEEP BREATH} OUR WHOLE BUSINESS IS GOING TO COLLAPSE ON ITSELF IF YOU ARE NOT GAY OH NO OH NO THIS IS JUST, THIS IS JUST {SCREAM CRY}{SCREAM CRY}{SCREAM CRY} THIS IS THE WORST CHRISTMAS EVER.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I know this sounds harsh, but this is not your problem and you should try your damnedest to realize that. Believe you me, I understand where you’re coming from, but you have to put yourself, your college experience and the rest of your life first. The only one that can help your mom is your mom. 

There’s this thing that happens inside the head of an addict that makes them think everyone is out to get them, so when you say ‘you have a problem’ she says ‘you hate me’ then you feel terrible, when you’re doing nothing wrong. ADDITIONALLY, when she gets wasted and then calls you and you answer and she asks you to come over and you go over, she then says in her head ‘me getting wasted makes my kid want to hang out with me’ …so really, by paying her extra attention, trying to protect her, trying not to crush her feelings, etc… you could potentially make things worse for her.

I do not, by any means, suggest you start to ignore your mother. I DO HOWEVER, suggest you call a local rehab center and ask for their help. I’m fairly certain you can’t send someone to rehab against their will, unless they’re a danger to themselves or the people around them…which could totally be possible. If she is threatening her own life, driving while intoxicated, or doing other physically destructive shit you may as well just report her bc obviously she’s not strong enough to help herself. HOWEVER, if she is just constantly drunk and hurting everyone around her, all you can really do is ask the center what you should be doing to help her. 

You can try to talk to her again (WHEN SHE IS NOT UNDER THE INFLUENCE), you can tell the center you’ve tried to talk to her and she won’t listen, you can ask them what you should do to make it so your situation is livable and so you can move on with your life without feeling terrible. It will be a struggle, but please remember to put yourself first and ALSO remember that this is not your fault and you cannot fix your mother. Only she can. 

Kristin Says: 

You should write her a letter.

Here is the thing about writing letters to the people we love…it may not always be as deep and emotional as a face to face talk, but it allows for two things: First, it allows for you to sit with your thoughts, put them on paper, and make sure they read clearly and as you mean them to be read. Second, it allows the person you love to read those thoughts, have an initial reaction, and then return to those words a second, third or fourth time as they process what you are saying.

If I were in your position, which I have not ever been, I think that my first attempt at communicating my feelings with my mother would be to write to her and say some of those things you said above.  

Dear Mom,

I love you so much, and I have been thinking nonstop about how I am going away to college soon. It makes me worry about a million things, but mostly, it makes me worry about you. I know we don’t talk about this, and I hope that maybe, with this letter as a start, we can open up a dialogue that has never existed before…but I am worried most about you because of your drinking. I know that I am your daughter and that you take care of me, but a lot of times I also feel safer knowing that I am here to take care of you if you need me…and I am afraid of what that means when I am no longer here. I hope you don’t think that I wrote this to you because I want to prove a point, or make you mad. I am writing this to you because I love you so much, and because I want to be able to help you and to also be able to talk about the things that worry me most in this world.  Can we talk?

Love, Anonymous.

It may work and open up a dialogue, or, like Dannielle said, it may not work and you may find that, despite herself, your mother’s anger takes over the other feelings of confusion and compassion. In that instance, please heed Dannielle’s words above, and make sure that you are taking care of yourself — we can only do so much in this world to help others, and when we start to lose focus on what we need, we are also losing traction on being able to grow and live our own lives.

Try to talk to her, try to talk to others if you feel it is an unsafe situation or if you simply need advice from those who have gone through something similar, and always, always remember that your love for your mother doesn’t need to be expressed through sacrificing your own needs.

Dannielle Says: 

Whoa. It feels like it’s been a million years since I came to a personal post paturday and talked about my own personal feelings and life thoughts. 

IT. IS. ALMOST. CHRISTMAS. YALLS. 

I used to be one of those peeps who hated christmas, well, i guess not christmas but just the whole thing where all the stores are ALWAYS packed, decorating takes FOREVER, you have to TRAVEL multiple times in one day sometimes, and like the only part i loved was wrapping presents and i would ALWAYS LOSE THE TAPE AND SCISSORS EVEN THOUGH I JUST HAD THEM IN MY HANDS… you know what i mean?

But now, now there are ice cicle lights on the archway between my kitchen and living room, and snowflake lights on top of janet’s kitty city, and a tiny christmas tree, and i’m in chicago, and then going to NC and Charleston and like, it’s a lot and the shops were still filled…but have yalls heard christmas music?!?! Like, Justin Bieber’s MISTLETOE is a good-ass song. 

Also, cookies, christmas movies, multi-colored lights, gigantic tinsel snowflakes in the middle of an intersection, apple cider, peppermint mochas, gingerbread mans, cold weather, kids in huge coats, boots, and jingle bell rock. 

Kristin Says:

Don’t I get the day off for my birthday, though?
 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

I’m assuming this is in the middle of a conversation about you being a gay. And this human is like ‘oooh you’re a gay, have you ever had sex tho’ and you’re like ‘yea i bone same-sexed people all the time’ and then they’re like ‘but that’s not real sex’ and you’re like ‘yes it is’ and they’re like ‘look it up in the dictionary’ and you’re like ‘WHO CARRIES AROUND A DICTIONARY ANYMORE?!?!’ … you know?

Part A. We are all saved by the graces of the internet, because when you google ‘real sex’ it just talks about an old TV show from HBO. YOU’RE WELCOME

Part B. According to the dictionary, most conservative individuals and prolly the bible at some point, sex is literally only for making babies. SOOOO whoever you’re talking to is seeing life and sexi with a very narrow mind. 

Some people will legit have a conversation with you about sexi and your feelings and why you don’t want a peen. Some people just want you to know you’re wrong (which you’re not). Some people are honestly just asking if you’ve ever boned a dude. So, you have about a million options. I would prolly just laugh really hard. or start to fake cry and yell ‘HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME’…or pretend i’m calling my dad and yell into the phone ‘DAD I DON’T GET IT, WHAT IS SEX’ ….or say ‘oh word??’ …. or I would get real and say ‘it actually offends the shit out of me when you say that, so if you wanna conversate about feelings, lets do this’ and start the convo where you explain that your girlf makes you feel fucking incredible and why does it matter that she doesn’t have a ween to put inside you… 

Kristin Says:

This world, you guys.

Let’s all meditate for one moment on how hilarious it is that so many people are sooo hung up on the physical act of placing a peen inside of a hoo-ha as the one and only way of defining “sexual intercourse.” Are you all thinking about how silly it is? IT IS SOME SKIN AND SOME OTHER SKIN YOU GUYS. GET IT TOGETHER EVERYONE. 

The phrase “having sex,” to most people, or at the very least to me, means being as physically intimate with another person as they deem possible. There is no limitation or rulebook on body parts and anatomy unless we are defining sexual intercourse in our biology class…and I would like to imagine that most people think about sex outside of the room where frogs are dissected.

So, you can just say to this person, “Oh, are we having a sex conversation that is based on Webster’s dictionary or Mr. Mulligan’s 7th grade lecture on where babies come from, or are we having a sex conversation that involves complex emotions and interactions between human beings?” Then, after they blink a few times, I would simply say, “If we are talking about real sex, then first of all I would like for you to think about what the word ‘real’ even means…and second of all, you can happily define sex however you’d like, but I would appreciate if you didn’t define it for me.”

Now, addendum: Like Dannielle said above, if this person is honestly confused and struggling to grasp how people can “have sex” without a penis and vagina #biology, then please don’t be rude to them - please take a deep breath and explain that sex isn’t as limited as they might think, and answer their questions as much as you can. Knowledge is power, you guys…and unfortunately most of the world has been taught to depend on penises inside of vaginas for centuries.

Bit by bit let’s show ‘em how that shit is just plain SILLY.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

If I were you, I would talk to momzie about how you’re legit feeling. You feel uncomfortable and nervous and if you’re feeling that way, you won’t say anything or be of any help. 

The honest-to-cats truth is, your mom can talk to the principal without you. I do think you should be involved, but you don’t HAVE to be sitting with them, maybe they could call you on the phone while they’re meeting? That way you don’t have to face your principal, but you can say the things that need to be said. Bullying is a huge issue and if it’s going on in your school and happening specifically to you, you ABSOLUTELY should say something. You also shouldn’t feel pressured to talk about something that makes you uncomfortable and I want you to know that. Maybe sit down and write a letter to your principal, your mom can bring it with her and have the conversation on your behalf. 

In a way, there may be folks at your school who are depending on you. People whose parents aren’t interested in defending their kids, or don’t know about what’s going on, or even worse, think their kid deserves to be bullied bc being gay is wrong… Being gay is not wrong, NO ONE deserves to be bullied and if we don’t stand up for ourselves, how can we expect others to stand up for us? This is your chance to have a voice. You don’t have to stand in front of your principal and name names and give a speech and tell your story, but if you write a letter, or participate in a phone call, you could potentially make your school a lot safer. 

Kristin Says:

You can absolutely, positively tell your mom that you are feeling uncomfortable about this meeting, and it should be the very first thing on your list. You should talk to her about why you feel nervous and why you don’t want to go - be clear and trust the fact that those feelings are completely valid.

I encourage you to really think about the reasons you are feeling shitty about this meeting, so that you don’t wind up in a situation where your mom says, “Why don’t you want to go, Daughternonymous?” and you respond, “BECAUSE THE PRINCIPAL IS DUMB AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND AND EVERYTHING IS STUPID!”

You know?

The second part of this is, if you do decide to go - or if you have no choice and must go - you need to know that you are not responsible for saying anything perfectly, wonderfully or understandably. You just need to be you, period. Again, think about what you might want to say, and what you might want to keep to yourself. If you don’t want to name names, don’t. If you don’t want to talk about specific incidents, just say, “Listen, I have had several things happen to me in this school that have made me feel unsafe and scared, but I feel very uncomfortable talking about them. I think we can still talk about how to help make things better for myself and other people at this school without you needing to exactly what has been happening to me.”

Break it down into specific parts: Is name calling happening? Is physical violence happening? Are people ignorant to important issues? Are teachers ignoring discrimination? Is your school policy specific in its protection of students based on sexuality and gender identity?

If nothing else, just tell your mom and your principal that there are enormous amounts of resources out there to help them make your school a safer place. It sound like you may be overseas from your mum-dom, but going over to GLSEN’s website and offering some of those tools could be super useful - or you could tell them about our Safe Space Stickers and have teachers and administrators put them on their doors and then have a discussion about why they are there… 

The most important thing is being honest about what you want and what you need when you talk to your mom, and not feeling pressure to do anything you don’t want to do while you are in that meeting. Good luck.