everyone is gay

Dannielle Says: 

HERE IS THE THING.

You don’t have to tell anyone, anything, ever. Cut and Print. Fin. Over. Done. 

YouKNOWWHATIMSAYIN?!?! Srsly tho, you guys. Your life is your life. The people in your life that you talk to about shit are the people in your life that you WANT to talk to about shit. Make sense? Don’t let the ‘coming out’ bunny gnaw on your fun lettuce…I tried so hard to not make that sound dirty. 

BUT DO YOU GET WHAT I’M SAYING. Just live your life and don’t worry about what people think they have a ‘right’ to know. BC no one has a ‘right’ to know anything about you. Your life is your life, i’m not saying you should lie about it bc I think lying makes everything complicated and messy, but you shouldn’t feel like you HAVE to tell them anything. 

One day you’ll feel better, more confident and more comfortable talking about your personal life SLASH who you’re dating with your family and friends. You’ll want the person you’re dating to be a part of your family and friendships and you’ll want to include them. Or maybe you’ll just want to talk to your family or friends about liking whatever gender you like, when that time comes you’ll know and you’ll be ready. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you have to come out at any time or for any reason. 

Your life is your life. Just live it. you know?

Kristin Says:

I think what Dannielle is trying to say is that your life is your life.  #yourlifeisyourlifeisyourlifeisyourlife

I have two things to say about this:

1.  There is absolutely no reason to tell your family about your sexual interests unless you personally feel the need to do so.  If you start kissing on a girl and you want to bring that girl home because you are starting to feel cartoon-hearts in your eyeballs, then go ahead and do it.  If that person winds up being a boy, then boom, just go ahead and do the same.  There isn’t anything to “confess” here, you should just go about your business as you normally would.

2.  No one on this planet has the responsibility to be “out” to anyone else on this planet.  Yes, I understand that it rules for young queer people to see other queer people in the world around them, and lucky for them, there are people who legitimately want to be open about who they choose to love and why (read: Dannielle and Kristin of everyoneisgay.com).  That does not mean that ANYONE should feel the obligation to tell the world about who they want to bone or not bone, whether privately, professionally or otherwise.  You do what makes you the most comfortable, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.  

Also,

(Thank you anddarling-.tumblr.com for the gif!)

Dannielle Says: 

This is like asking me how white people feel about cartoons. 

OKAY IT’S NOT EXACTLY LIKE THAT BUT STILL…Neither of us can tell you how an entire group of human beings feel about one thing. Everyone is different and everyone feels different feelings about different things. You’re going to encounter every single kind of person with every single kind of opinion. You’ll meet a girl who’s like ‘I NEED SEX ALL THE TIME FROM E’ERBODY!’ and you’ll meet boys who are like ‘HEY! I’m also asexual’ and you’ll meet girls who are like ‘oh, wow, i’ve never considered asexual to be a real thing, but i like you and i don’t feel like i NEED sex, so lets try this relaysh’ and you’ll meet boys who are like ‘that’s weird what does that mean’ and you’ll meet girls who are like ‘how can you be gay then?’ and you’ll meet boys who are like ‘oh, that’s cool, tell me more’ 

get it?

Don’t change the way you are or how you act around a group of people bc of what you think their reaction might be. If you’re comfortable and the discussion comes up, boom, SAYWHATCHANEEDASAY #johnmayer and that’s that. If you want a relaysh with a girl, attack the sexi parts when it gets to the sexi parts. I can almost guarantee you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Like anyone with any sexi-interest (be it girls, boys, FTM, no one, self-sexi, MTF, cartoons etc) you’ll encounter people who do understand and people who don’t understand. 

Be prepared for the people who don’t and be excited for the people who do. aaaand be open to sharing that part of yourself. Don’t hide who you are bc you’re scared or nervous about what people will think! hooorraayyy

Kristin Says:

hooooorrrayyyyyy

(I just wanted to be a part of that)

First of all, do people really call it the “ace community”?  That’s fun.  Second of all, Dannielle hit the boner on the head: no one can speak for anyone but themselves, regardless of whether or not they also like vajayjays.  There are lesbians who like to be peed on and girls who like girls who hate strap-ons and transgendered people who like to watch girl-on-girl porn but don’t get aroused by physical proximity to others.

The bottom line here, in my opinion, is that there are many people who do not understand what it means to be asexual, regardless of how they identify.  It shouldn’t fall to you to have to explain things, but often times we are put in a position where our openness and willingness to dialogue allows for a deeper understanding on the part of others.

It’s like…I love sex, you guys.  I would not be able to have a relationship that didn’t include sex.  That, however, does not mean that I do not have the ability to understand and/or support others in their desires.  It does not mean that everyone is just like me and needs to inhabit bonerville all the time.  It just means I like certain things and you like other things.  There are a hundred gabillion people on this planet (rough estimate), and we all like so many different kinds of things in so many different kinds of ways.  

There are plenty of humans out there who will be nothing short of thrilled to get to know you in whatever capacity makes sense to you both.

Be honest and open about who you are, and don’t apologize or second-guess yourself.  If someone is like, “THAT IS SO WEIRD, HOW DO YOU NOT LIKE SEX,” just be like, “Well, one could argue that it is weird when people exclusively take pleasure from having things in their vaginas…sooooo.”

Right? That’ll shut ‘em right up.

Dannielle Says: 

HERE IS A TRUE STORY:

When I was just out of college I was hanging out with an old friend and he was like ‘i want to tell amanda (mybestfriendintheworld) I’m gay, but I don’t want it to be awkward, so I think I’m going to turn it into a game’ and I was like ‘oooookay’ 

So, we’re all eating a MOE’S SOUTHWESTERN GRILL and he’s like ‘do you guys wanna play a word association game?’ and we were like ‘alright’ and he was like ‘frog’ and amanda goes ‘green’ and i go ‘grass’ and he goes ‘i’m gay’ and then i laughed and laughed and laughed and amanda was like ‘wait…what?’ 

——

We basically talked about it right then and it was all fun and great, but the point is, you can pretty much do anything. If I were you I would suggest a few real good lines:

1. “Oh man, you know what’s so gay?….THIS GUY *points to self*”

2. “HAKUNA MATATA WHAT A WONDERFUL PHRASE HAKUNA MATATA OH BY THE WAY I’M GAYYYY IT MEANS NO WORRIES FOR THE REST OF I’M GAYYYYY”

3. “hahahahahha” …”why are you laughing” …..”BECAUSE I LOVE BONING MEMBERS OF THE SAME SEX…HILARIOUS RIGHT?!?!”

4. skip to 5.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
5. “Hey guys, check out this question i asked on everyoneisgay.com” and then pull up the website page on your computer and pose behind them with your mouth agape, pointing to yourself. Don’t move until right around now when they look behind them to see if you’re doing what i just told you to do.

Honestly, after what I just told you, WTF is kristin going to say ever? GOODLUCKKRISTIN

Kristin Says:

Having to be second in the line of funny is so harrddddd, you guys. Ughghghghg.

Let’s see…

1.  Make a t-shirt that says, “GAY PEOPLE WEAR THIS SHIRT.”

2. At lunch, be like, “You guys, you know that song FRIDAYFRIDAYGETTINDOWNONFRIDAY?  Those lyrics are almost as ridiculous as me not telling you until now that I’m gay.”

3. Scream “Rachel Maddow!” over and over and over again until someone asks you what the hell you are doing.  Then, just tell them you thought that was how you were supposed to announce that you are a homosexual.

4. Invite all your friends over and before they arrive, hide in the closet.  Then, when they are like, “Sam, where are you,” you say, from inside the closet, “I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU THAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO THROUGH INTERPRETIVE DANCE.”  Then, open the closet, step outside, and do a jump split.

Goddamn.  I really wish I wasn’t out to everyone in the world so that I could execute number four personally.

Dannielle Says: 

I mean…it’s like….the thing is…but like…you know…

no.

There really isn’t. She needs to do this on her own and you sticking around with your “i love you buts” is making it harder. In her mind you wouldn’t be sticking around if you didn’t love her. In your mind, you love her, but you can’t love her the way she wants. She’s going to keep hoping and you KNOW THIS. I know it’s hard to let the relationship go for a while, but you have to.

You have to give her space and time to figure out how to live without you. Basically what had-happened-was… you broke her heart and you’re ready to move on and make some new boners with some new friends, while SHE is still listening to Maria Mena’s “Sorry” on repeat and crying softly in the shower. Then you text her “omg wish you were here, Sammie just did Karaoke to FRIDAYFRIDAYGETTINDOWNONFRIDAY” and she just wonders what she’s doing wrong and why she’s not good enough. 

Now, you and I both know it’s not that she’s not good enough, and she’s not doing anything wrong, but she has to figure that out on her own. The more you tell her she’s perfect, the harder it will be for her. She has to switch her itunes from “Sorry” #mariamena to “All this Time” #mariamena on her own…no one can do that for her, especially you. 

Kristin Says:

Swoosh.  Two points for Dannielle.

Sometimes I feel like when we answer y’alls advice questions, you are like, “Everything comes so easily to those two, I wish I could just make healthy decisions like them all the time.”  I just need you to know that Dannielle and I are just as fucked-in-the-head as everyone else when it comes to doing things the way they  ”should” be done, and we understand on a very personal level why making good choices is hella fucking hard.

You love your ex and you have a million memories together, and you want to make sure that she knows you care and you don’t want her heart to hurt, etcetera.  Of course.  This is one of those situations where doing what is right is going to actually hurt the person that you care about for a bit, and that hurt will allow them to take a shaky step forward.  Try to look at it as though, if you can care about her enough, you will do what is best for her (and you) by letting her go…despite her protests to the contrary.

The only way you can help her to move on is by gently but firmly removing yourself from the situation for some time.

…In other news, I have absolutely no idea who Maria Mena is, but have substituted a singing Mena Suvari in her place.

Dannielle Says:

You time would be better spent ignoring them. Trust me. 

Unless you want to do something really thought-provoking like seeing a giant sign quoting john and saying ‘excuse me, sir, do you know the book of John back and forth?’ and when he says ‘yup’ ask him ‘do you mind reciting for me 1 John chapter 4 verses 19 and 20” and then when he does, just say ‘thank you’ and walk away. 

Other than that, your efforts will be completely lost and a waste of energy. The same way them holding up signs is not making you any less gay, you making out in front of them covered in glitter is not making them any less ignorant. 

I was once walking with a friend of mine past some protestors (i think at a gaga show) and my friend said “as a christian, seeing that kind of thing is both offensive and appalling” …The kind of people who hold up signs protesting human equality are the same people who showed up at Matthew Shepard’s funeral and protested. People who think that’s okay are sincerely fucked in the head, you guys. 

Don’t mess with them, don’t even give them the time of day. At best stay in your car and laugh at the fact that you’re significantly smarter and more open-minded than them. OMG I’M SO RILED UP. I HATE HOW MUCH HATE THERE IS IN THE WORLD. I HATE ITTTTTTT. 

The bottom line is, they just want a reaction. Fighting fire with fire is worthless and the second you look at them and yell they have won. Do NOT let ignorance win.

Kristin Says:

I agree.  In my opinion, the effort that it would take you to cover yourself in glitter and have a gay make-out session in front of these assholes would be much better spent doing something positive for your community.  Don’t just sit at home and not give them the time of day, look up a local LGBTQ organization and see if they could use volunteers for something productive, you know?  If they don’t need anyone, or that isn’t feasible, then spend some time writing a blog post about why you believe in equality, or just plant some flowers or call your grandma.  Really, anything that makes someone smile is better than giving dickwads undeserved attention.

It’s like, if they show up to picket, and they are all riled up with their signs, and no one pays them any attention…think about how BORED they’ll be.  If they show up to picket and all of a sudden people are rolling around covered in glitter, however, that will probably make them feel like they are fighting a real battle, and that they are bothering you enough that you’d take the trouble to glitterize in the first place.  They are soooooooo not worth it.

You want to make an impact?  Talk to your friends about issues that matter to you.  Think about avenues for change, and start organizing.  Ignore the assholes.  Full speed ahead to positive action.  Glitter always allowed.

Dannielle Says:

When you say “hey mom, can we talk about safe sex” what your mom hears is “hey mom, i’m pregnant” or “hey mom, I have chlamydia” …I mean, you and I both know that’s not what you’re saying, but like…you came out of her loins and you have to understand that sometimes moms (or dads or guardians or big sisters/brothers) jump into freak out mode before they jump into ‘rational conversation’ mode.

So, you can do a couple of things.

1. Find a different grown-up to talk to, maybe a guidance counselor, a health teacher, a doctor, a college professor, family friend, aunt/uncle ETC.

2. ASK THE QUESTIONS ON EVERYONEISGAYDOTCOM.

3. Tell your mom you’re not going to run out and give away your virginity to the first homeless man you see, but you’d like to know wtf a dental dam is, tell her if she won’t have the convo, you’re going to ask someone else and does she really want the sex-life of her baby in the hands of some 24 year old hoodlum she doesn’t know?!?!?!

At the same time, maybe she just hates talking about sexi-thangs in general, you know? Maybe she’s just NOT going to do it. DON’T BE MAD AT HER, TALKING ABOUT SEXI IS HARD AND WEIRD ##thatswhatshesaid

Kristin Says:

Once, when I was a freshman in college, I accidentally wound up with a hickey on my neck for parents’ weekend, and my mom pulled me aside and was like, “ARE YOU USING CONDOMS?”

Point being, yeah…moms and other parental figures get a little carried away when it comes to extrapolating on the sexy-time-teen-evidence and convincing themselves that you actually are hiding four babies underneath your bed.

That said, you are so flipping awesome for feeling comfortable enough to go to your mom with those questions, and I am going to stand up and clap for you. I swear, I really just stood up and clapped. When I was a teenager, the last thing I ever wanted to do was to talk to my parents about anything aside from whether or not they could do my laundry. I think you should try one more time with your mom, and say something like this:

“Hey, mom. I know that you don’t want to talk to me about safe sex because you think that I will take that as permission to sleep with tons of people, but I really need you to listen to me. I have questions and I thought you were the best person to ask, and I think that the safest thing to have at my disposal is knowledge…because otherwise I am just swimming around out here not knowing what is what. Sex is a big deal to me, too, and that is why it is important enough to talk about openly. If I can’t come to you with these questions, I am going to be responsible enough to get answers from someone else, and I think you should be proud of me for that. If it makes you too uncomfortable, I understand and I just want you to remember that I love you and that you have raised me to make good decisions for myself. “

Any adults reading this? Keeping your kids, or any kids, in the dark about sex will only lead them to seek out their own answers…and a lot of times when they go looking for those answers without the knowledge of how to keep things safe, shit gets really scary.

In the words of Salt N Pepa, “Let’s talk about sex, baby.”

Dannielle Says:

If this is the case, you don’t have a relationship.  

srsly tho. If this bitch wants a piece of you then this bitch needs to compromise. Relationships are completely based on communicaysh. That’s all there is to it folks. Want a good relaysh? Talk to each other. boom. 

I once dated a girl who was impossible to talk to. I tried to tell her about my feelings and she didn’t listen, she would just tell me how my feelings hurt her feelings. Everything was my fault and all of our conversations were one-sided bc she was the priority in our relationship. THAT’S NOT HOW IT WORKS. The relationship is the priority in the relationship. 

Side note: i don’t think i’ve every spelled out ‘relationship’ so many times in one post. 

BACK TO SCENE: I hate to break it to all you zany-mother-fudgers, but love is not enough. You don’t just love someone and then rainbows shoot out your butthole and you start crying cotton candy and everything is fine and dandy forever. Relaysh-ee-ohz take work. They take work, time and compromise. You can love someone to the moon and back but if they won’t talk to you, your relaysh will not last bc it is based on the surface of a relaysh and not getting to the real meat* of things. OK BUT ALSO…

There are certain things we all have inside of us that it takes a long time to let out. There are things some of my friends will never know about me, and if they asked me about it, i would just move on. If it’s something personal and hard to talk about, that’s a different story, then put your patience pants on and just make yourself available. We never know why people are doing what they’re doing until we ask. So, be like ‘yo, why don’t you wanna talk about this’ and you might actually learn a lot…

So, that’s both sides, when it comes down to it, you have to talk to one another, but the first step is trying to find why your boo doesn’t want to talk…you never know. 

*Every time i say ‘meat’ i feel lik there MUST be a #thatswhatshesaid joke involved. 

Kristin Says:

If you are attempting to talk to your boo about something that is directly affecting you or your relationship, and this boo of yours will not participate, or even attempt to participate in the conversation, GET THE FUDGE OUT.

Communication is crucial to any successful relationship, and if your partner is not working toward a place where conversation can happen in a healthy way, you need to do some serious thinking about leaving that relationship…and then you need to do some serious leaving of that relationship.

I am serious, you guys.  I don’t have any long-winded proverbs or jokes about Antonio Banderas in that Spy Kids movie, that is quite literally all I have to say.  Get out.

Dannielle Says:

First of all, this sounds like a gay porn waiting to happen. And at the beginning of this question i was just mad at your mom and ready to go all rant-dannielle on you for giving in, but then i read the rest of the quesh and my eyeballs got all large and i went ‘OOOOH OKAY’ in a sassy black-girl voice, but all in my head…it was only in my head bc i’m in a bunk, on a bus, underneath a sleeping man. If I were just alone in a room, i would have said it outloud. 

Why’d you need to know all that? Bc it’s 2am and I’m tired and you’ll listen to whatever I say. 

ANYWAY. As much as I don’t want to ruin all your big gay fantasies, I’m afraid I’m going to have to tell you to bite your tongue on this. I mean, lets be real, you’ll make eyes at him all you want, regardless of what I say, and like…whatever, do what you gotta do. 

BUT YOU GUYS, nothing is more ill-tempered than a closeted gay man in a position where he has to prove how NOT GAY he is. It’s a scary thing. You could be giving him a BJ one minute, and getting the shit beat out of you the next. I don’t know this for certain, of course, but I know there are sooooo many instances where you think you can trust someone who is known and respected for being straight and the next thing you know all his friends are surrounding you outside of a gas station. 

I literally always think the world is full of marshmallow clouds, katy perry candy boobs and rainbow farts, but I also realize that people who are suppressing their gay-feelings are fucking off their rocker. The idea of you pushing your limits with this guy terrifies me. 

Also, fuck going to that thing to make your mom happy. You’re not going to change. The more you appease her, the more she convinces herself that your “gayness will go away.” Stand your ground. She’s not going to magically wake up tomorrow and be cool with you being a total ‘mo, but the more you pretend that’s a possibility the longer it will take. Be patient with her, allow her the time to become more open-minded on her own, but don’t do shit just to ‘make her happy’…right now the only thing that will ‘make her happy’ is you not being gay, and that’s not a possibility, so don’t pretend otherwise. 

Real love is unconditional, she has to realize that. 

Kristin Says:

Well, your mom doesn’t have to realize anything, really, but you going to “gay therapy,” is most certainly not going to help her out in the process.  It isn’t going to help anyone in any process.  I mean, I don’t really know how these things work apart from what I learned in But I’m A Cheerleader, so like, if you are making out with boys in your bunk beds and sneaking out to gay clubs with two older ex-ex-gays and hanging out with Clea Duvall, you might as well stay there for funsies until it is over…but don’t stay there just to appease your mom.  Ain’t gonna help no one.

As far as the homo-minister (hominister) is concerned, I am with Dannielle.  DO NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY WITH A CLOSETED EX-GAY MINISTER.  Sure, there was that sexy 1970s movie called The Thornbirds about the girl who boned the Catholic priest and stuff, but like, this isn’t a movie and people are c-r-a-z-y when it comes to faith, guilt and shame.  A gay minister pretending to be a straight minister who is “correcting” other gays is quite literally made of those three ingredients.  Back. Away.

Unless this is a camp run by gays and the whole thing is a Fire Island getaway to trick parents into paying for their gay kids’ vacations…leave it alone and find someone to bone either in your dorm room or after you leave.  

PS. Tell Clea I said, heyyyyyy girl.

Dannielle Says:

Uh oh, they were right. If gay people can get married, then SOON PEOPLE WILL WANT TO MARRY THEIR ANIMALS. 

You don’t have to do anything. I used to hate how people would always ask me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. It made me feel like I was so much less of a person bc the one thing that everyone expected from me, I didn’t have. I was in high school and the popular girls were pretty and they dated the boys i had crushes on and I wasn’t particularly pretty and didn’t have a boyfriend. And that was that, I wasn’t good enough. 

Dudes, f that s. you know? I AM SO AWESOME. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN???

YES, YOU CAN LOVE YOUR CATS. Who says you have to be in a relationship?!? Ignore everyone, you are the best and cats are better than people anyway. They poop in boxes AKA WATER CONSERVATION. They eat the same food everyday. AKA NOT WASTEFUL. They never leave the light on AKA ENERGY CONSERVATION. They are basically SOLAR POWERED. They CUDDLE WHENEVER YOU WANT. They call you out on your shit…The list goes on. 

Please do love your cats. I APPROVE. 

Kristin Says:

This post reminds me of that insanely cheesy poster that was around in the early 90s that listed the reasons why a cat was better than a man (#gendertrouble)…

…EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWWWWW I just googled that and instead found, “62 reasons why a cucumber is better than a man.”  Also, although that grosses me the fuck out, I am sorely disappointed that they didn’t at least go for 69 reasons.  Know what I mean?

Anywhoo.  Here are the two sides to your question: 

1) Like Dannielle said, cats are solar powered and wonderful, and the expectation placed on all of us to “pair off” with one other human is totally crazy for a lot of people and not the answer for everyone.  Some of us like to hold hands and argue about who left the empty cardboard toilet paper roll on the holder without replacing it, and some of us like to wake up at noon and take a walk in the park on our own time and not answer to anyone.  If you want to hang out with Champer Damper and drink your wine while watching South Park, DO IT.  

2) If you “hate relationships,” but you really want a relationship, then you should probably take the time that you have as a single person to also think about why relationships are so troubling to you.  I love to tell you people to get out your journals, so like, DO THAT.  Writing, whether through journaling, blogging, song writing, poetry, etc, can be a huge help in unraveling the things in our brains that cause us trouble.  Also, remember that relationships, if you do want them, tend to be educational processes that build over time and get better as you learn (whether in a long relationship or in a series of relationships).  

Give yourself the room to what you want to do, when you want to do it, while still challenging yourself to figure out the reasons why you want those things and why you want them when you do…  Cool?

Dannielle Says:

Chances are, if you’re talking about whether or not it’s outdated, it’s probably outdated. 

Some examples include:
1. Hey Kristin, are you sure those crop pants are still “in style”
2. Hey Kristin, can I wear these crocs to dinner, or is that not “cool”
3. Kristin, don’t wear that halter top, I think it’s “outdated”
4. Don’t worry, Kristin, Tankini’s are always “IN”

Mostly, I just wanted to associate all of those clothing items with KristiN….but also, I always vote if you haven’t wanted a specific tattoo for a while, you shouldn’t get it. All of my tattoos I wanted for at least a couple of months, or they were in the back of my brain for a chunk of time.

That being said, it’s your body and it will always be your body and you should put whatever you want on it bc you only get ONE body and ONE life and if you look back on your life when you’re 85 you don’t want to say ‘man, i should have gotten that tattoo, it woulda been fun’ you wanna be saying ‘man, it took 60 years, but my tattoo finally looks like a grape instead of a lambda!’ Then you and all your grandkids can laugh, except your grandkid who is 15, bc that’s a sassy age and she will prolly roll her eyes and go watch some sass-mouthed teenager on the disney channel make fun of their parents and she’ll LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH. 

Back to the task at hand. You’re going to have this tat on you forevzies. which is totally fine and i’m never going to tell you not to get it, but just stew on it a while. You may find at the beginning you want a lambda behind your ear, but 7 months later the time you spent coming out and learning yourself taught you more than you imagined, and you decide that an empty birdcage with an open door on your shoulder represents the way you feel a little more. 

know what i’m sayin?

Kristin Says:

I DO NOT OWN A TANKINI.

Also, I didn’t know what the lambda symbol looked like so I looked it up and was like, “Hey, that’s pretty cool,” so like…you decide whether that means it is actually cool, or whether I am now penciling it onto my crocs.

YOU GUYS I DON’T HAVE CROCS EITHER.

Sheesh.  

So.  Dannielle basically told you everything that you needed to be told in terms of tattoos being permanent and letting an idea sit with you for a bit, blahblahblah, so let me just add these three things:

1) If in your heart you love a symbol and it has meaning to you, it doesn’t matter if it is that symbol is a color-shaded tat of tweety-bird, because it matters to you and that is what counts.

2) It doesn’t matter if you are bisexual, pansexual, transgender, queer, straight, or Willie Nelson, you can get that symbol tattooed on you!  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a total dumbhead.

3) That birdcage idea is flyyyyyy. #puns

On that note, happy Friday, congrats on coming out, and also I no longer wear cropped pants but what the hell is wrong with halter tops?!

Dannielle Says: 

MIIIIIIIIIITSAWHEEEEEENYAAAAAABABABEEETSIEMAHBAAAA
STOOOOOOOONWEEEENYAAAMAAAA

For those of you who ‘don’t get me’ that was the beginning of ‘circle of life’ from THE LION KING. I think it might be the one song in the world that everyone has heard. DO YOU GET WHERE I’M GOING WITH THIS. 

First of all, just because you have tiny crushes on girls sometimes doesn’t mean you have to come out and tell everyone you’re a giant homo. Second of all, it is completely possible to like both sexes. Third of all, hiiiiiiiii. 

If you and I were to sit down and have a conversation and I were to ask you ‘what is it that really makes you connect with a person, what qualities attract you to another human being,’ I can almost guarantee you won’t be like ‘THE FIRST THING I LOOK FOR IN THE PERSON I’M DATING IS A PENIS’ …bc that would be ridiculous. We are attracted to people, their personalities, their character and the way they carry themselves. 

You’re going to spend your life being attracted to all kinds of people. PEOPLE being the key word. You don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out the second you figure it out. Just live. You’ll never figure anything out if you’re obsessing over what it all means. 

Make out with boys until you wanna make out with a girl, then make out with her. You could make out with 4 girls before you realize you just don’t like it and you only wanna make out with boys. Then you’d be hitting up everyoneisgay.com to be like ‘I JUST CAME OUT AS BI AND THEN I REALIZED I DONT LIKE GIRLS NOW WHAT’ and we’d be like ‘calllllm down’ you know?

you don’t have to label yourself and you don’t have to come out, but you do have to be happy…so go with that. 

Kristin Says:

AHWEEMOWETAHWEEMOWETAHWEEMOWETAHWEEMOWETAHWEEMOWETAHWEEMOWET
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeohohohoooooooooooohhhhwumbumbooway

I don’t really know why, but in my mind the chorus of “In the Jungle” (is that a chorus?), comes right after the opening of “Circle of Life,” so…you’re welcome.

Anyway. I have something to tell you: YOU ARE REAL.

Tadaaaaa.

You guys.  We are the only animal in the whole kingdom of animals #circleoflife that give a SHIT about who we bone.  You had better believe that if a tiger is out in the jungle #themightyjungle and he is like, “Damn, that bird was tasty, but I sure could use a good tigerbone,” and then his tiger pal comes over and is like, “Duuuuuude, I just had the best dinner but I need to HUMP SOMETHING,” that they are not going to care who is a girl or who is a boy.  They are just going to bone.  If you don’t believe me, go to your local dog park and check out the humping happening over there.  Those guys will straight up hump a pile of leaves.

You have crushes on girls.  You have crushes on boys.  You are real, and your crushes are real, and you can call it whatever you like and tell whoever you like.  If they tell you that bisexuality is just a transition to being a gaywad, tell them that Kristin is about to get her Master’s in Gender Studies and would love to talk to them/punch them in the nose.  If they say that you are not really bisexual, you just want to be “cool,” or you are just “slutty,” tell them that Kristin is now boarding a bus to their city and will make them sit through a lecture on why they are an idiot.

Don’t let idiots make you doubt yourself.  You are a real person, and every feeling that you feel in your bones and your skin and your heart and your brain is legitimate and, if given the courage and the chance, will roar the loudest and mightiest roars of awesomeness. #lionkingwednesday

Dannielle Says: 

Using you?! for what? Bc she doesn’t want to plan the future? CALM DOWN. 

You being terrified that she DOESN’T want to talk about the future, is the same as her being terrified that you DO want to talk about the future. 

Now, there are some compromises that should be made. If it makes her feel weird to name your imaginary kids, don’t push that. If you have a job in Ohio in four months and you want to know what that means for the two of you, push it.

The fact of the matter is, you guys are here now. If you’re in love and happy NOW, what’s the point in focusing only on the future. Just be together, grow together, learn together and see where life takes you. Talk to her, don’t jump on her bc you’re sure that her being uncomfortable means she doesn’t love you… TALK to her. Ask her why it makes her feel weird. Maybe she doesn’t want to talk about bc she loves you so much and she’s scared if she plans a future she’ll just be let down bc you’ll stop loving her. You don’t know if you don’t ask her. 

If you love planning futures and that’s all you wanna do for your whole life, tell her you need a little something so you don’t feel totally left behind and lost. You’ve both got to be willing to compromise a little. The two of you don’t see life the same way, that’s obvious, that doesn’t mean you’re not meant to love each other forever, you just have to find a way to work together. weeeeeeeeeeee

Kristin Says:

Allright, hold your U-Horses, everyone.  

Your question, in simpler terms, basically says that you are extreme in one way and your boo is extreme in the opposite way.  Guess what that means?  You have to meet in the middle. #thatswhatshesaid

The funny thing about this situation, is that I could almost guarantee that if your lady all of a sudden pulled a 180 and was like, “OMG YOU ARE RIGHT I WANT TO HAVE BABIES AND WHAT WILL THEIR NAMES BE AND CAN WE HAVE BLUE CURTAINS AND ALSO WHEEEEEEE,” you would have at least a fleeting moment where you squeezed your butt cheeks in a panic.  We are human beings, you guys.  That means that when someone tells us they need something from us, our instinct is to automatically panic that we won’t be able to meet their expectations.

It sounds like you have been pushing the future on her, and that may be the exact thing that is causing her to freak out.  There is a way to sit her down calmly and say, “Hey, I know that you hate talking about the future and I love talking about it, so maybe we can find a way to talk about things that feel safe to you, and go from there?”  If she feels a tiny bit of flexibility on her end, she will probably loosen up a bit.  

You should really trust me on this one, because I have tricked SOOOOO many of my girlfriends into thinking that they are the ones who want the blue curtains using this exact method.

Dannielle Says: 

This is one of those times where the number one thing you don’t want to do is just talk to your partner in crime, but like thats what you HAVE to do. You have to suck it (THATSWHATSHESAID) up and have the convo no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel.  

And like, literally, just say to him what you said to us, “i get it, i respect you and your bod, but i wanna make you feel good” …I’m pretty sure that’s what happened in the L word…I could be wrong, but like, I’M PRETTY SURE. 

It’s like, i would love to make a bunch of jokes right now, but I CAN’T THINK OF ANY and like, you just need to have the ‘i love you, you mean the world to me and i want to have sexual relations with my person and you’re my person, so how can we do this without you being uncomfortable and me feeling sad?’

Relaysh-ohs are all about compromise. You have to find a place where you both feel good. you know?

Kristin Says: 

I don’t understand how Dannielle just sat in bed, dancing with her paws up at the computer, and didn’t use any Lady Gaga lyrics in this answer.  She really baffles me.

Here’s the thing, bing.  #yournameisnowbing Part one of this situation is definitely talking to your cupcake and making him know that you want to find a way to have sexytime where you both feel good, but part TWO of this situation is letting him know that you understand that he is struggling with his body right now, and that you are soooooooo attracted to him anyway.

If he is like, “Listen, Bing, I just can’t right now, but it turns me on so much to touch you,” then let it have some room to breathe for a week or two, and DURING that week or two, let him know that he is the hottest thing since Brad Pitt in Thelma & Louise.  Tell him how fucking hot he looks and tell him things that you imagine yourself doing with him, etcetera etcetera etsexera.  After a couple of weeks, tell him that you know he is uncomfortable, but suggest that maybe you find something new to try together, perhaps something that isn’t full on naked to naked time, but that will allow you to touch him a bit more and still leave room for his comfort.

Take it step by step via the New Kids on the Block, and do your best to understand that he is going through a process, and even though you want to bone him like those monkeys at the zoo, it may be more helpful to listen to him and take things slowly so that when you get to sexytown, you have both had the opportunity to grow with each other. #insertbonerjoke #HAHAHAinsertboner