-Question submitted by Anonymous
Ay. Yi. Yi.
Ok, first and foremost, WHILST watching ‘Two Weeks Notice’ starring Sandra Bullock and Hugh Grant I heard this brilliant quote — “Nobody wins or loses when it comes to women. You just talk about your feelings until all your breath is sucked out your body.”
Now, I don’t think it applies to WOMEN as much as it applies to RELATIONSHIPS, BUT THE POINT IS… you have to talk about it. You also have to go into it understanding her point of view bc this is a fight-where-two-people-are-defensive-as-shit just WAITING to happen. She’s working 12 hours a day, she comes home, has to force herself to shower, wants to collapse and is so frustrated from work that it’s all she can think about. It fucking blows. BUT ALSO, you don’t want to come home and immediately be frustrated, then she’s yammering about work and you hope she falls asleep at the table so you can have some alone time.
Here is what I suggest, do that talking thing I mentioned before, but decide beforehand you will be the bigger man. It’s hard to talk to someone who is overworked, tired, stressed and probably defensive. So say ‘hey girlfriend, i love you, i respect how tired and stressed you are and the last thing i want to do is make your home time add to the stress, so i feel like we should come up with some ideas so neither one of us is getting upset, maybe instead of leaving a trail of clothes, you can just put them in a pile in the corner of the room, and we’ll talk about non work stuff for at least one hour every night, and maybe we’ll go on a walk once in a while so we’re not cooped up so much?”
Offer ideas to make it better for you both, but don’t compare yourselves. Don’t say ‘i make dinner and you dont’ or ‘i clean and you don’t’ or ‘i dont talk about work but that’s all you do’ …being in a relationship isn’t about the comparisons between the two of you, it’s about taking your strengths and weaknesses and figuring out how they fit together.
Goddammit, Dannielle is so wise sometimes, you know!?
She basically covered everything that you should be doing to handle this situation, so rather than give you a whole new slew of advice I will just add on a couple of suggestions:
1) If you can, don’t have this talk after one of her 12-hour shifts. Hang in there until the next weekend day comes along, and even though we all know that all you want is to enjoy your fucking weekend because your boo has been throwing her clothes on the floor all week, this is the best time to talk — you will both be in a calmer headspace and much more apt to listen. Plus, you might even get to have ‘we-just-had-a-great-talk-and-a-beer’ sex, so like, USE THAT as a motivator to wait until down-time for the talk.
2) This is me reinforcing the most important point Dannielle made: DO NOT make this an ‘I-did, You-didn’t’ talk. Make this an ‘I love you and I want to make our evenings together even better’ talk. I love the one-hour of no-work talk idea, and I SUPER love the taking a walk outside idea. Use those. You love her, she loves you — REMEMBER THAT!
3) Baskets are your best friend. Give your boo a basket in some part of your room/house where she can toss all of her shit when she gets home. Easy for her, out of sight for you. Baskets are the secret to life, you guys.