everyone is gay

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

I think you should mix up some chilli and toothpaste and keep it in a cup and next time she says something run into the kitchen and make throw up noises and then pour the chillitoothpaste on the floor and when she runs in to see whats wrong you should just say ‘i threw up, cuz boys are gross’

Then, google chilli and toothpaste:

Kristin Says:

That’s also a great way to slowly turn her into a lesbian - which is what gay people are all about, anyway. #tactics

Also, you could tell her that if you start dating her dad you won’t be able to be her babysitter anymore because you would possibly turn into her STEPMOM, and that she probably doesn’t want you to be her STEPMOM because you would make her bologna and ketchup sandwiches for lunch everyday.

Also, you should scream STEPMOM every time you say it, as suggested by my caps lock.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

If this were me and my mother, i wouldn’t talk about it at all. Maybe your relaysh with your ma’ is totally different, but like..I wouldn’t want to deal with it. 

Everyone has a different way of approaching important life things and I want to go ahead and say I am NOT AT ALL the best at it. For me, it’s more important to have a nice time and make sure my mom is okay. I’d rather avoid the gay thing for a few days and get our relationship back to a good spot. Maybe she’s thinking about it, but maybe she’s not. There are a million other things going on in both of your lives and I think the fact that you’re gay is not that big of a deal. 

I know that being gay and coming out and finding yourself are all huge things, but having a good relationship with your mom is also a huge thing. The two of you will work to find a place where you know how to talk about it again, you can’t force stuff like that. Focus on having a good time at home and helping your mom to remember you’re the same kid you always were, you’re her kid, you know? She loves you more than anything and these things take time. One day if you’re sitting around and you’ve had an awesome week just shooting the shit and eating oreos maybe ask her if she’s thought about it at all. Don’t force her to have a conversation she’s not ready to have, but you can totally bring it up and say ‘i just love you a lot and i want us to feel comfortable talking about stuff’ and she’ll get it, maybe she won’t be able to talk it really, but she’ll at least get that you love her and she won’t feel pressured to talk about something she doesn’t understand. 

Kristin Says:

This is absolutely one hundred million percent dependent on how your insides are feeling now that you are home and under the same roof.

If you feel like, “Damn, I just want to sit and watch a movie and tell her about my stupid calculus professor and how my roommate would leave pizza on her bed overnight,” then you should do those things, and not focus on the lesbian elephant #lesbiphant

If that conversation you had back in April is weighing heavily on your heart, though, then talking about it may be the best thing for you. What Dannielle said about that conversation is dead on, though - it has to be a conversation that is both for you to communicate your feelings and for her to be able to communicate hers. So many times in these situations we feel that we need to have the conversation so that it ends with MOM thinking KID is right (or vice versa)… but that ain’t true. No one needs to change their opinion in the conversation, no one needs to concede their point. It should be about both of you being able to say how you feel, and working to understand the other person’s feelings.

“Mom, I love you. The conversation we had in April really hurt me, and I know it was probably really hard for you, too. I don’t want to try to convince you of anything or make things uncomfortable - but I do want you to know that I would like to try to talk more about this as you feel comfortable, because it is a part of my life, and you are so important to me.”

Start there. Breathe. Have patience. It may be a summer of struggle over there, but let me tell you this much: The summer of 1999 (#oldlady) was my summer of struggle, and the other day my mom was on the radio with me telling all of America how excited she was about Obama’s support of gay marriage… so, hang in there. xoxo

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

I think you should say all of your thoughts out loud. Thinking things and saying them are two totally different ball parks (sorry guys, i couldn’t think of what two different things they were, i went with ball parks…)

FOR EXAMPLE:

If you are thinking: ugh, she hasn’t texted me back, i wonder if she doesn’t want to be with me anymore and now i’m just annoying her…

Take that thought and say it out loud.
“I’m afraid my girlfriend doesn’t want to be with me anymore”
ok, why?
“Because she hasn’t texted me back and I texted her six minutes ago”
what is she doing right now?
“nothing, she’s just at her apartment…”
oh…word…so there’s no chance she got busy
“I mean, yea she’s probably just busy, but she was texting me and all of a sudden stopped”
so, she’s breaking up with you…she couldn’t be like.. pooping or on the phone with her mom, or making a grilled cheese or anything? She wants to break up with you?
“…i guess that is kind of silly”

I imagine that’s how almost every conversation with yourself will go. Talk to yourself about it. We all get a little insecure sometimes and that’s fine, the more aware you are of why you think the things you’re thinking, the more likely it is that you will overcome those insecurities. If all else fails, continue being insecure, but be okay with it and remember that your tiny flip outs will not ruin your relationship. Like Mates of State says, “Just remember that we all make mistakes and no one big slip up makes it all go away.”

Kristin Says:

I love love love the having a conversation with yourself idea. High five for Dannielle ////,

Let me start by saying that this feeling you are having is a feeling I have had in almost every relationship in my history of relationships. I, too, struggle with insecurity - and almost all of it is completely unfounded. I am the person whose girlfriend will be making grilled cheese while I convince myself that they don’t love me anymore…

I have found that, even without a conversation with myself, taking a few moments with that insecurity before acting on it can be suuuuuper helpful. Instead of being like, “OMG IT’S BEEN A FUCKING HOUR WHAT THE FUCK,” and texting her or calling her to be like, “THIS IS NOT WHAT LOVE IS WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS,” you should stop and breathe. Take a walk around the block. Call your mom. Bake some cookies. If you still haven’t heard from her and you still feel like the world is ending, then take another deep breath so that your text reads, “Hey, I’m feeling a little low and insecure. Can you text me when you get a minute?” instead of “FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU.” 

Part One is taking time with your insecurity, exploring it, and trying to breathe through it. Part Two is accepting that insecurity when you cannot make it go away, so that you can approach your girlfriend by asking for help, instead of by telling her she is the worst.

Also, everyone farts in their sleep.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You find an even ground with respect. 

Respect is underrated these days, we don’t have to have the same opinions you guys, we have to respect the fact that we are all totally diff. 

It’s very hard to have a strong faith in something and hear someone you love say that they think your belief is silly. So, that’s a thing you should never do, never make her feel silly for believing. Listen to her. Respect her. Understand her. Ask her to do the same. You absolutely can have a working relationship with different beliefs, as long as you both WANT TO. word? Listen to each other and dialogue about why you believe the things you believe. It’s ridiculously interesting to have these conversations with an open mind. 

Kristin Says

I second this motion.

You guys… so very many of us in this world think that because we believe something, that makes that something a true and unalterable fact. That is not how belief works. Belief is something that is personal, something that is often spiritual, and something that is specific to your experience and understanding.

One of the most engaging conversations that you could likely ever have with the person you love is why you have the beliefs that you have, how they have been informed, and what they mean to you right now. You can talk about belief without an end-goal of having the person you speak with decide they believe just like you. You can find common ground in some experiences and still have a different overall concept. That is the beauty of having a brain and a heart.

Now, some people do have the need to share a belief in a higher being with the person they fall in love with (or vice versa), and if either of you feel strongly about having the same beliefs when it comes to religion, you should have that conversation asap. If however, you are both open to a relationship with differing beliefs, I encourage you to listen to what Dannielle said up there about respect, and remember two things:

1) Different beliefs do not make us incompatible, they make us interesting and complex human beings capable of intriguing and amazing conversations.

2) Beliefs are not stagnant things, they are shaped each and every day by those around us. You may always not believe in God, and she may always believe in God… but the way you believe those things can be shaped by your conversations and your love for each other, and that is an incredible thing.

Also!! SIDENOTE. We happen to be talking about religion as it relates to sexuality on today’s KDVS radio show, so if this is a topic that gets your feathers ruffled or whatever, tune in at 12PM EST/ 9AM PST!!!!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

omg. wear a hat?

I don’t know. The worst haircut of my life was broadcast on TV in front of the entire world and I was like ‘WELP’ … PLUS KRISTIN CAVALLARI WAS THERE AND SHE PROBABLY THINKS I’M AN IDIOT NOW. ugh.

listen, if all else fails, slick all your hair back and use a european accent, pretend it’s a character study you have to do for a class. 

And always remember:

Kristin Says:

I’ve found that adding one million and seven bobby pins in various locations can change a bad haircut into ‘THAT PERSON IS SO CUTE AND QUIRKY’ pretty easily.

Also, headbands and hats.

Also, you could be a total badass and just shave your head.

Also, bad haircuts are totally in right now. #hipsters

Lastly, if you have enough hair left to do this, I think you could bring it back in style:

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you should let go of concrete answers because they don’t exist?

When you ask yourself “How do I know this relationship will last forever” … you don’t. And that’s life. That’s literally all of life. Think about all the times you’ve asked someone ‘will this job last forever?’ or “will i get an a in this class” or “am i going to be rich within 5 years?” … NO ONE HAS EVER ANSWERED YOU BECAUSE IT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE TO DO SO. 

Trust yourself because you have to. No one else on earth matters to you as much as you do. You will be there with yourself through everything. You will see yourself at your absolute worst and you will get the benefit of seeing yourself grow, mature and achieve things you never could have imagined. Follow your heart, check in with your head, and do what is best for you right now. There’s no telling what will happen after right now, so make now the best now it can possibly be. 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing. Most human beings can never just let go of the need for concrete answers, despite the fact that we know we cannot get them. Most of my life is a gigantic question mark, and there are moments when I am in it, calm and enjoying what is around me, alongside many moments where I am in a complete panic because OH MY GOD HOW CAN I EVER KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.

The best thing you can do is to look back at the years you’ve lived and realize that you never really knew what was going to happen next… but things kept happening, you kept adjusting accordingly, and here you are still living. That’s life.

None of us are ever fully prepared for what our lives will hand us, and that is why, as human beings, we have the ability to connect on such a deep level with each other… because we are all scared, excited, and completely unsure of what comes next. 

You can’t let go completely of the need for those answers (unless you are a REALLY advanced yogi), but you can continue to remind yourself that no matter how hard you fight the current, life is going to take you where it wants, when it wants. Be true to yourself, do the work you believe in for the reasons that matter most to you, and remember that we are all in this together.

Dannielle Says: 

So, my future downstairs neighbor works for PAWS chicago…all i want is a dog. IT’S ALL I WANT. Apparently she fosters dogs on the reg and has four cats and her roommate is in the circus. Also, in my future, I will live 4 blocks from a Trader Joe’s… Do you guys know if all TJs have bad produce or if it’s just in New York? I mean, it’s okay if they do, everything else is great so it balances out PLUS there’s not a TJs close to me here and I prefer Rachel’s for purchasing fruits and veggies anyway so it works out… but I don’t think there’s a market close to my future home. 

Also, if there is a dog in my future, I wish to have him groomed at DOG-A-HOLICS… which is an actual doggy grooming SLASH day care in chicago…soooooooo

Also, I started watching The Office, how come no one ever forced me to watch it before now? It’s literally the funniest show on the planet. Also, I heard 30 rock is getting cancelled…who made THAT decision? That human prolly hangs out with whoever cancelled Pushing Daises and Arrested Development and United States of Tara and Friday Night Lights and FRIENDS and Samantha Who and My So-Called Life and Strangers with Candy…. omg the world is full of idiots. I can’t decide if it’s too many idiots watching TV or too many idiots controlling TV….WHY DID SO MANY GREAT TV SHOWS GET CANCELLED. MY LIFE IS OVER. 

Kristin Says:

I just found out recently that My So-Called Life got cancelled because Angela Chase AKA Claire Danes didn’t want to do it anymore, which made me REAL MAD at first because when I was a teenager I made a petition and had everyone at school sign it so that the network would keep the show… and they probably got my petition and thought, “what a stupid idiot, this isn’t even a network decision… i bet this idiot will never make anything of herself ever…” BUT I DID LOOK SEE I RUN MY OWN COMPANY YOU BIG ASSHOLES.

I’m not as angry anymore, though, because I am sure that Angela Chase AKA Claire Danes had her reasons. Also… I used to want to be Rayanne so fucking bad that I dyed my hair with a huge blonde streak to try to emulate her. Here is a side by side circa 1997:

…YOU ARE ALL WELCOME.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Beats me.

I’m convinced the right person doesn’t pop into your life until you’re like ‘WHEW I NEED TO BE SINGLE FOR A WHILE MY LAST GIRLF IS BEIN A FARTWAD AND I DONT WANNA EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AGAIN, START CALLIN ME SINGLE SALLY YALL’ and then all of a sudden a pretty girl who smells like candy slaps you in the face and it’s all over from there. 

Patience is a virtue. That’s a legit quote from an old guy. We have to practice having patience so hard because I don’t think it comes easy to anyone. The best advice I can give you is SWITCH YOUR FOCUS. Right now you’re so obsessed with finding the right girl, no one will be right, they will all be almost right. Focus on friendships and work and having a blast and the person will fall from the sky out of nowhere. OR YOU COULD CREATE A VISION BOARD FOR THE PERFECT LADY AND SHE WILL COME TO YOU. You guys, I love vision boards. 

Kristin Says:

Any time in my life when I have ever been single and someone has been like, “Just when you stop looking for it, it will happen,” I have wanted to slap them in the jaw and scream, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONVINCE MYSELF TO STOP LOOKING YOU FARTWAD?!”

Not really fartwad, but Dannielle inspired me. I think I usually called them a jerkball or something. In my brain, not out loud.

So I totally get if you are like, “Listen, I know I am just supposed to focus on other things and as soon as I am busy picking tulips a lovely lady will saunter my way and start kissing me and birds will fly overhead holding a banner that reads, “SHE STOPPED LOOKING AND NOW SHE HAS FOUND LOVE, or whatever but I effing can’t so godhelpmewhatdoidooooo?!”

You know what you do? Be really fucking impatient when you need to be. You’ll have some nights where you go out with your friends and you get really hopeful and you think, “Maybe tonight is the night,” and then you’ll wind up having three whiskeys and a beer and going home alone and you’ll cry yourself to sleep because you’ll always be single forever and ever… and then a few months later you’ll do the same thing except there’ll be a lady there who is totally adorable and you’ll flirt together and then you’ll kiss before you get in your taxicab and go on a date the following week and fall in love.

My point is, yes - try to remind yourself that life is completely unpredictable and try to focus on the things that make you happy, because that will make the moments you are living right now more enjoyable. However, don’t beat yourself up over feeling scared and frustrated and confused. You have every right to feel that way sometimes!! The trick is not getting stuck in a hopeless rut, because life will surprise the shit outta you, all the time and forever.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I have a few things to say about this topic. I think we gaywads need to stop saying things like ‘heteronormative’ …bc like 1. you sound like an asshole. and 2. you’re literally reinforcing this thing you say you can’t stand. If you don’t think that it should be ‘the norm’ take a few steps forward by NOT SAYING IT IS. whew. 

Second of all, hate stems from fear. From the little things to the giant things, hate always stems from fear. You hate your ex bc she hurt you and you’re afraid it will happen again. You hate racism because we are all people and you’re afraid if everyone doesn’t understand that, then your friends will lose their rights or maybe even get hurt. SOME PEOPLE hate gays because they don’t get it and like “why would someone choose to sin,” they’re afraid it’s contagious and if it’s not stopped, everyone will be gay and no one will go to heaven. Hatin’ is Fearin’ and it might not make sense or be the right way of thinking, but there’s your answer. 

THIRD OF ALL, society does not ‘unilaterally despise same-sex’ ANYTHING. That is an incredibly ignorant statement. Now, I’m sure that you’re just in a tizzy because something happened and you’re feeling real bummed about how hateful some people can be, but dude, you have GOT to give credit where credit is due. Our society has made major strides in the past few decades and we should continue to use our efforts to move that change train forward. If we send around self-loathing and talk about how everyone hates us, that is literally all you will ever feel. You guys, there is so much strength in your words, use those words to inspire and create something amazing. Vote. Vote. Vote. Talk about the shit that bothers you and tell the people who are doing amazing things, that they are doing amazing things. No need to talk about haters bc haters gonna hate and they can talk amongst themselves. The more people making positive change, the more likely we are to change the world positively… get it?

Kristin Says:

You know, us humans are some pretty complicated and messed up creatures - I can tell you that for damn sure. There are two big reasons that I can think of in terms of why homophobia exists. One is the fact that, as humans, many of us seem convinced that we must apply a value system that was created centuries ago to a world that is now entirely different. Marriage in its original conception was created for the exchange of commerce in livestock and women. You literally traded your daughters for more property and extra cows… 

Now, I’m not sure of the exact evolution of marriage as it relates to love and such, but I do know that ‘love = marriage’ most certainly is a newer concept. We could talk about patriarchy and shit for like a half a year right about now, but let’s SKIP THAT and just get to the part where NOW, here we are telling people what the bible says about marriage when the bible wasn’t even talking about the same thing you guys.

The second thing, I think, has to do with gender norms and the way our society communicates those (both overtly and subtly) through every and any media outlet available. For a lot of people, the fact that they have been taught what is ‘correct’ and ‘normal’ since birth means that anything that doesn’t align with those norms must be WRONG BAD OH MY GOD TOTALLY THREATENING AHHHHHH… You know? So, there’s the fear part Dannielle was talking about.

The bottom line is that we always have to be conscious of what we are fighting for and how we are fighting for it. The argument for gay marriage is great when it is humans asking for equal rights, but it gets tricky when we start to say, “Hey we  are just like you, so can we also have rights now?” We should all have equal rights regardless of who or what we are like - regardless of whether or not we orbit around monogamy or family values.

The important thing is to remember that this isn’t just about HOMOphobia, y’all. This is about all of us as humans telling other people that they are wrong and we are right. Many of us - even the big gaywads - do this to other individuals and groups constantly. Be aware.

PS: A bunch of what I said up there, in my opinion, is what the word “heteronormative” means, so… if you are using that in the academic world to communicate four pages of thought in one word, you have my blessing. If, however, you are telling your mom to stop being so heteronormative, you might want to reconsider the context. Unless she is a gender studies professor. You know?

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Well, lucky for a lot of people a whore is defined as;
1. A woman who exchanges sexual acts for money 
OR
2. A man who exchanges sexual acts for money

So, if you identify anywhere in between ‘man’ and ‘woman’ you can exchange sexual acts for money AND LIVE A LABELESS LIFE.

I feel like you would know if your job consisted of bonin’ for ballin’ ya know? omg.. i wanted to say “bonin’ for ballin’” so bad you guys… Seriously though, I imagine the people who are saying this to you are doing so WITH THE SOLE PURPOSE of making you feel like shit… which is a reflection on them and not you. 

Do not let idiots like these make you feel like you are any less of a person. If you feel comfortable and confident with your decisions, if you’re living up to your own moral code, if you’re happy, if you’re doing the things that make you feel awesome… you are doing all the right things. Dummies will be Dummies yall, sometimes you just gotta ignore the fools. 

Kristin Says: 

Who we partner with for sexitimes is entirely OUR business and prerogative. Also, who TF decided to spell “prerogative” like that… it’s ridiculous.

Now, if you are going around and sleeping with other people’s sexitime partners, then you might be pissing some people off. If the people who are calling you a whore are calling you a whore because you helped their boo be a cheater with your boobies, that doesn’t make it right (and you still aren’t a WHORE) but also… I’d be pretty pissed off at you as well.

If, however, humans are calling you a whore because you happen to like bonin’ and you’ve boned a couple more people than the average bear, then I say keep your chin up and keep doing what makes you happy. Haters gonna hate, and the person you answer to at the end of the day is yourself.

Some of us like to romance and be in long term relationships and have trouble boning a lot of people because it doesn’t make us feel great unless we are totally in love, and others of us like the way our bodies feel when they mash against some other bodies regardless of love-type feelings. Some of us like one million other different types of things, and none of ‘em are right or wrong unless someone is getting hurt or you are hurting yourself in the process.

If you feel good, that’s what matters. You aren’t a whore.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

If I were you, I’d get out now because I know myself too well and I know I would just end up getting hurt. BUT I AM NOT YOU AND YOU COULD PROLLY BE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM ME. I don’t know, you guys. We are all so different and it’s so especial when it comes to these questions… I really didn’t want to say ‘especially’ but then i couldn’t figure out how to say the sentence…so i made up a new word…especial. AHEM. 

If you are totally okay with this, then be okay with it and go on your merry way making out and doing whatever you want. If there comes a time when she’s making out with someone else and it makes you want to die on the inside, you’ll realize you don’t want to do it and you will cry a lot. You also might get into a situation where she doesn’t want a relaysh now and 8 months in she’s like ‘HOLY SHIT I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!’

Our feelings and emotions all change all the time and no one ever really knows what they want.  We just have to be honest with our own heads and hearts and try to make the decisions that are best for us. I wish I could give you a straight answer BUT EVERYONE IS GAY.. omg just kidding you guys. I do wish I could just tell you what to do, but this is one of those moments in life you have to figure out on your own. 

Kristin Says:

What you should do: Walk away with the wonderful makeout sessions you have gathered before your heart gets too entangled. It will only go downhill from where you are at, because once the heart gets involved, the fun makeouts lose some (most) of their fun.

What you will do: Continue to make out with her because making out is SO MUCH FUN AND YOU CAN’T THINK STRAIGHT #puns, start to love the way she reads in bed and pushes her hair behind her ears, and probably get your heart broken.

What you will do after that: Have a hurt heart, listen to Jenny Owen Youngs’ “Fuck Was I” on repeat, and realize that we’ve all been there and all done that and go after someone who wants the same things as you do next time, because you are big enough to learn from your mistakes after a whole bunch of make out sessions.

We cool? Cool.