everyone is gay

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Well, one, it’s okay to take a dating break until you’re a little more comfortable talking about that kind of thing. Two, if you’re into online dating there are totally websites that are specific to people who are experiencing the exact thing you are experiencing right now. Three, shit happens. 

Now, I say shit happens not to discount the severity of this situation BUT TO LET YOU KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE DEALING WITH STIS AND THAT DOESNT MAKE THEM GROSS OR STUPID OR WEIRD OR DUMB. I’ve known countless people who have slept with someone only to later find out that human gave them an STI and didn’t say anything and now won’t return their calls. OR didn’t even know they had an STI bc they hadn’t been tested. We all know people who have been in that situation and the fact of the matter is, that’s just life sometimes. What we have to do is move forward. 

Don’t sit in your room and think about how no one will ever love you bc that’s just not true. Go to your doctor, get checked out, grab some meds and practice honesty. If you meet someone you really like but you’re not comfy talking about your downstairs and things start getting hot and heavy you can stop and say ‘hey, i really like you but i’m not totally comfortable with going very far right now, can we take it slow?’ Any decent human being will be like ‘yea totally’ and then once you two know each other a little better you can be like ‘i really wanna get frisky but we have to be safe, i’ve made a mistake in the past and i don’t want to screw this up’ THEN the two of you will talk about what it is happened and they will be very understanding, maybe nervous, maybe confused, maybe upset, but you will have been honest with them and that’s the best thing you can possibly do.

Kristin Says:  

Yes. What Dannielle said.

First: You have every right to feel embarrassed, upset, and confused about having herpes - because in general, those are the ways in which the world makes us feel when we contract an STI.

Second: Try to understand those shameful feelings as a product of your surroundings, and not as a true reflection of yourself. You are not gross. You are not dirty. You are not untouchable. You are a human being with a body, and you are fully capable of practicing safe and TOTALLY AWESOME sex with that body (just like everyone else, herpes or no herpes).

Third: You do not have to tell people about your STI on the very first date. I am repeating Dannielle here, but I think it is important to note that you can get to know someone before opening up to them about sex and your body… you likely wouldn’t be talking about sex on the first date otherwise, and you shouldn’t have to do so now.

Fourth: When you get to a place where you want to be intimate with a person, that is when the dialogue needs to happen. Remember that most people are scared or wary of things because they don’t understand them - so if you come to the conversation with information and are able to explain how you can have safe and enjoyable sexitime, you are likely going to find that you have a willing partner.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Target, haynes, boy briefs, hipster cut. 

I WASH MY HANDS OF THIS.

Kristin Says:

HAHAHAHA NOW WE ALL KNOW WHAT KIND OF UNDERWEAR DANNIELLE WEARS.

#iseelondon
#iseefrance
#headtotarget
#toseedanniellesunderpants 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

Be there for her. If we’re being totally honest, there is little you can do to stop a rumor. They’re usually started by someone with super low self-esteem and spread by people who want to make others feel bad. WHAT YOU CAN DO as a friend is be there for her.

When you hear two people talking about these rumors, you can totally step in and say ‘wait what?’ and when they tell you what they heard you can literally laugh at them and say ‘that’s not even REMOTELY true, where did you hear that’ I think handling it a little more lightly is a good way to go about it. Generally, if you get super defensive about something people think you’re lying.

POR EJEMPLO (spanish), if someone is like ‘POTATOSTICK (your friend) is such a slut’ and you’re like ‘NO SHE’S NOT, JUST LAY OFF, YOU DONT EVEN KNOW HER’ you will walk away and they will be like ‘who was that weirdo yelling at us, she must be friends with slutty potatostick…’ but if they’re like ‘potatostick is such a slut’ and you literally laugh in their faces and say ‘where on earth did you hear that hahahaha’ they’ll be like ‘omg, we’re so stupid why did we even believe that’ … and you will win.

Kristin Says:

I’d like to add something that I think is really, really important in this situation. You need to let your friend - and anyone else you are talking to - know that if someone does have HPV, that certainly does not make them a ‘slut.’ If you are going around school and defending your friend just by saying, “NO SHE DOESN’T HAVE THAT AND SHE ISN’T A SLUT,” I think you are missing a really important part of the conversation, which is that, in the US, an estimated 75-80% of people will be exposed to HPV in their lifetime. People can have HPV without having , and can contract HPV by having sex with just one person.

So, that’s the first myth that you should DEBUNK.

Second thing here is… what do people even mean when they say “OH MAN THAT GIRL CYNDI SURE IS A TOTAL SLUT YOU GUYS.” If you are going to have a snap-back for these rumor-starters, I would have it be something like, “I think it is incredible that you guys are doctors at such young ages, and that you can diagnose HPV by simply laying your eyes on someone… and that you are soooooo advanced that, even though HPV can be caused by sleeping with one person, you have decided that this particular person must have slept with 800 people… by the way, is that what you mean by SLUT?  When you have that report on ‘how many people makes someone a SLUT,’ I’d love to see the results, because I was thinking I might sleep with you, TOM, but I am already up to TWO, and if THREE makes me a SLUT then OOOOOOOHHH {scary ghost noises} I should probably be careful.” Then roll your eyes and walk away.

The bottom line here is that our bodies are our bodies, and anyone who starts rumors or judges someone about what they do with their bodies is wayyyyy out of line. Dannielle was right in saying that you should, first and foremost, be there for your friend. Make sure she knows that you think those naysayers are a bunch of jerks, that they are completely misinformed, and that you support her and understand things like a human being with a brain and not a poo-head.

Please use those actual terms - I find the term ‘poo-head’ to be an excellent mood-changer.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

If I were you, I’d leave an anonymous letter for your teacher. Either on your desk or go to the front office with the letter and say ‘can you get this to DOCTOR POOPS (your teacher)’ and they’ll stuff it in teacho’s mailbox. 

I’m sure you’re not the only one affected by this and I’m sure everyone else feels the exact same way you feel. BUT we’re all so scared to stand up to our teachers for some reason. Which is why I suggest an anonymous letter. ORRR you can talk to a principal SLASH dean SLASH headmaster SLASH administrator SLASH WHATEVERMAHDOODLE about the situation and perhaps you can change your whole school for the better. 

It’s just like… it sucks that you have to say something in the first place, you shouldn’t, this teacher should know better BUT… if you don’t say anything and no one else says anything, this teacher will forever think it is okay to talk that way and more and more students will be forever alienated. Which is not fair TO ANYONE. 

Kristin Says:

This is when it becomes really important for you to have an ally of some kind who works at your school. If your science teacher from two years ago is someone who you know you can trust, that is who you should speak with first. Think about who has shown you and your classmates the most respect over the years - perhaps the teacher who heads the school’s GSA (if you have one), perhaps the English teacher who included gay history in his coverage of civil rights, perhaps the art teacher who has always been warm and welcoming to all of his students.

If you have someone like that, ask them if you can talk to them after class or after school one day. Explain what is happening in your math class, and that it makes you feel extremely uncomfortable, but that you don’t want for the school-at-large to know that you are the one complaining, so you’d like to remain anonymous. They will be able to help you take the next steps to make sure that this teacher knows that he is offending students.

Here’s the thing you guys. Teachers can be the most incredible, influential, inspiring people. They can also be the most ignorant, damaging, juvenile people. Just because someone is twenty years older than you doesn’t mean that you aren’t smart enough to make a difference, and certainly doesn’t mean that you should have to sit idly by as they hurt others. You most certainly are not the only one being hurt by this.

If you don’t have an ally anywhere in your school, email us and we will see if there’s any way that we can help: info [at] everyoneisgay [dot] com

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

The best thing you can do is tell them about one another. If I were in a relationship with you and you were seeing someone else and you didn’t tell me until way later, I would feel like you were a total liar and it would be super hard for me to trust you. I think if you are just hooking up with them and you have no interest in a relationship with either of them, you continue to do what makes you comfortable. 

We are all totally different, this means that your feelings and the feelings of the folks you’re hooking up with ARE ALL GOING TO BE DIFFERENT. You might talk to one human and say ‘hey I’m sort of seeing someone else and I wanted to let you know so that if you wanted to see someone else you know it’s cool with me’ and that human might go ‘fuck you, no’ OR THAT HUMAN might say ‘oh awesome i’d love to meet PLANTERS, maybe we could all go out sometime’ oooor that human might say ‘oh, well, i’d really love to be exclusive with you eventually. i’m starting to really fall for you’ … AND THEN AFTER THEY SAY WHATEVER THEY SAY, THAT WILL MAKE YOU FEEL A THING AND YOU WILL RESPOND ACCORDINGLY. 

Get it? You feel something, they feel something, you feel something, you talk about it. boom. done. It might not turn out the way you think, but if you’re starting to feel bad about this whole sitch, it’s for a reason, ya know? Talk about it. 

Kristin Says:

I agree one hundred million and eighty seven percent. Approximately.

I think in these situations we have a tendency to be like, “Well I don’t want to HURT anyone, and I LIKE THEM BOTH SO MUCH, so hrmmmmm… what can I do…” The reality, however, is that you aren’t telling them because you are afraid that one or both of them will give you an ultimatum, or judge you harshly for your actions/decisions. You don’t want to be left in the dust if your honesty causes them to turn on their heel and exit stage left, and you don’t want to have to decide between them.

All of those fears are valid, but you still have to be honest with them. You have to talk to each one of them about the other person, and you also have to know, going in, what you want. If you want to maintain a relationship with multiple people, that is what you have to explain. Sure, maybe one or both of these people will not be into that idea, and that is scary because then you will have to makemoredecisions. Orrrrrr, maybe you want to be in a monogamous relationship, and you need to sort that out so that you are breaking it off with one of them, even though YES, it is a risk BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU PICK “THE WRONG ONE”?!

You guys. Love is always tricky, and it is most certainly always a risk to your heart-bones. That is what makes it love. The single most important thing for you to value and commit to within relationships is honesty. Without being honest with the people you love, you aren’t forming relationships that can last and grow and make you happy.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

OFFER TO COOK. 

I know what you mean, my family is like ‘OH YOU DO’NT EAT MEAT, WELL WE GOT TURKEY, SO YOU’LL BE FINE’ … i mean, not really.. they know turkey is meat, but YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!? 

If I were you I’d bring some morningstar goodies and be like ‘imma throw a veggie burger in the microwave for four seconds, can i borrow some bread?’ do it right before you all eat together. It maximizes fun family kitchen time and minimizes awkward lonely table time where you’re doing nothing because you’re gnawing on a raw carrot someone found in the bottom of the fridge drawer. 

Try to “make yourself at home” in a sense, generally I think people feel more comfortable when you’re at their home if YOU FEEL super comfortable when you’re at their home. I mean… don’t toot in the living room or anything, but ya know, be comfortable saying ‘hey i don’t eat meat, but yall do yr thing, i dont want to inconvenience you!’

Kristin Says:

Okay so… I disagree A SMALL BIT with Dannielle, only based on my mom and her kitchen habits.

The thing I think is absolutely the best idea (which was also suggested by Dannielle) is to do a family-cooking-together-thing, where you’re like, “Hey, next time NOODLESOUP (your gf) and I come over, we were thinking it would be fun to try to all cook a vegetarian meal together. We promise we won’t make it taste like trees!! What do you think?!” 

The thing I wouldn’t do is bring my own veggie burger and pop it in the microwave near to dinner time UNLESS YOU ARE ALREADY CLOSE WITH NOODLESOUPS PARENTS. It’s like, if I had only brought a lady home about three times, and on the fourth time she brought her own veggie burger and was like, “Yo I got this,” my mom would feel a little insulted. NOT BECAUSE IT IS WRONG OF YOU TO DO, but only because my mom likes to feel like she is taking care of things, and you waltzing in with a veggie burger would probably make her feel silly. NOW, if this was my girlfriend of two years who my mom knew and loved and stuff, then that wouldn’t be the case at all. It’s just not the best FIRST/SECOND/FIFTH impression, if you are at my mom’s house.

Also - instead of vegetarian dinner, you could offer to cook some sides to go with the MEATS, and do like a quinoa salad or brown rice with mixed veggies, and that could serve as your whole meal while they add the MEATS. Then everyone wins and no one is forced to eat Soy Nuggets against their will.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF RIGHT NOW. 

That’s exactly what I do, when someone is like ‘ugh this horrible thing is going horribly wrong’ I’m always like ‘well, why don’t you do this thing’ and half the time that human is like ‘yea, i could try that’ WHILST the other half of the time that human is like ‘YOU NEED TO SHUT YOUR BIG DUMB IDIOT PIE HOLE’ 

Through years and years of relationships and friendships and familyships, I’ve finally realized that most of the time people want to talk through things and figure them out on their own. We all have to figure out our own shit, you know? As difficult as it might be for you to sit back, not say anything and just listen, that’s what you need to do. What your booboobear wants is for her LOVER to be on her side. She wants you to be like ‘dude, your feelings are valid as eff and I would be sooo pissed off too, do you want me to punch POTATO in the mouth?” and your booboobear will say ‘haha, no, i just like, can’t stand it when I’m treated that way’ and you say ‘i mean, totally, you don’t deserve it, I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS’ 

In general, people don’t want advice unless they’re asking for it, if you give it out willy nilly, you can sometimes come off condescending. Talk to your booboobear and ask her how she feels about these things. Maybe she DOES want advice but the way you say things makes her feel weird, or maybe i’m right and maybe she’s doesn’t want advice at all, she just wants to talk to you and to be heard by you. 

Kristin Says:

I am, generally speaking, impossible to help when I am upset. I usually need one of two things (or a combination of both): 1. To have people stay out of my way while I rant and vent and throw my toothbrush at the bathroom mirror, and 2. To feel as though my feelings are valid (exactly as Dannielle said - I HAVE TRAINED HER WELL).

First step: Talk to her when neither of you are upset. Explain to her that you love her more than tulips in Springtime #romance and that when she hurts, you hurt. Tell her that when she gets upset about something, you go through a million ways in your head that you can help take away that upset, but that lately you feel like all of the ways you have tried just upset her more, and so you need her help.

Second step: Listen to what she says, listen to the things that she needs, think about them, and think about ways in which you can put them into practice.

Third step: Next time she is upset, do a little less talking and a little more listening. All you need to do is say, “I am here for you if you need something, and I completely understand why you feel so upset.”

Fourth step: If she still gets mad at you for simply listening, being supportive, and trying your best to help her… that is totally unfair and is much more a situation where she is using you as a punching bag, in which case please write in to everyoneisgay.com and say, “My gf uses me as a punching bag when she gets mad, what do I do?”

Fifth step: Please come over to my house and scoop the kitty litter because I have shit to do and Trey just pooped something fierce.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Good ass question. 

I think it’ll prolly be a slow process. Start by not saying the bitchy things you think, instead text them to your also-bitchy bff. I think the more you have them in writing (texting) the more you’ll notice exactly what it is you’re thinking and when. Also, talking yourself down helps. If in your head you’re like ‘ugh this place sucks and everyone here is dressed stupid and the music is so gayyyyyyyyy’ take a minute and say ‘alllright, they’re not stupid bc they’re not dressed like me, music can’t really be gay and this place could be alright i guess’ … Taking those few steps back to not think everything is the TOTAL worst can help too. 

AND ALSO. Remember that we’re all people and the world would be a much better place if we were just nice to one another. AND ON TOP OF THAT remember how easy it is to be nice. Take four seconds out of your day to hold a door for someone you don’t know. Let some guy cut in front of you at Hardee’s. Pick up someone’s book. Smile at a stranger. Thank the bus driver. Leave a penny at the stupid leave a penny thing. Do tiny things that are the opposite of bitchy and do them on purpose. Live your life with purpose, yall, and just be nice. That’s how we can fix the whole earth. 

Kristin Says:

Here are the reasons I am a bitch, and what I do to try and not be one:

1. Anger: When I get angry about something, I am then a bitch with a much larger bitch-radius then just that item that originally angered me. Por ejemplo, if I am on the phone with someone trying to figure out my bank charges and they are RUDE and INCOMPETENT, I will then get off the phone and be a total bitch to anyone in my path because I AM SO ANGRY BECAUSE I KNOW THINGS AND THE BANK LADY WAS MEAN TO ME AND I AM A GOOD PERSON GODDAMMIT. So. In that instance, I think it is taking a moment to realize what is making you angry, reassuring yourself that the bank lady is probably just having a really bad day and didn’t mean to be so horrible, taking a deep breath and realizing that you have the power to stop the anger in its tracks by moving forward and being kind.

2. Confusion: If I don’t understand something, I can get reaallllll bitchy. Dannielle is actually the queen of this method of bitchdom, she will be all, “ADOBE PHOTOSHOP IS THE STUPIDEST PROGRAM EVER, IT DOESN’T WORK AND I HATE IT.” Then she will learn a shortcut and be like, “Ohhhhh, anyway, you lookin’ real fine Adobe Photoshop.” In this arena of bitchiness, you have to remember that you are a person, and you can’t know everything at the speed of light. You can ask questions, you can take the time you need to understand things better… and none of that will make you seem dumb. It will actually make you seem strong and smart (which you are.)

3. Feeling stupid: This is the CREME DE LA CREME of reasons people are bitchwads, including moi. If you feel like your friends have an inside joke, or if you feel like someone is laughing at you, or if you feel like people might think your new haircut isn’t awesome, or if you think that other people think you aren’t smart… your defense is usually to put up a wall of defense and be like I DON’T EVEN CARE WHAT YOU THINK, AS A MATTER OF FACT I CARE SO LITTLE THAT I WILL GO OUT OF MY TO SHOW YOU THAT YOU DON’T MATTER TO ME. Here’s the thing. We all feel like this sometimes. Chances are that most of the time, no one thinks you are stupid, and what’s more: if certain people are thinking those negative things, it doesn’t have any power to make you stupid. If anything, it makes them appear weak and childish. So, remember that by leaving it alone, you are taking away their power. When that feeling of bitchpower surges through your veins, take a deep breath and remember that your strength is in believing in yourself and focusing on the positive things that surround you.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

GIRL SPEAK YR MIND. 

The hardest part of being in love with your bff is not knowing whether or not they love you back. You could literally spend the rest of your life wondering ‘what if’ … DOES THAT SOUND LIKE FUN!?!? 

Worst case scenario - she doesn’t like you back. The end. That’s all, there’s nothing that could happen that would kill you, ya know? BEST CASE SCENARIO?! She’s been waiting for you to say something and she kisses you immediately. EITHER WAY, your friendship will be different, in fact, it’s different right now. You like her, A LOT, and it’s hard to treat someone like they’re just your bff when you have likeylike feelings for them SO YOU’VE ALREADY RUINED THE FRIENDSHIP… jaykay.

 Seriously though, i couldn’t possibly stand liking someone and not telling them. I refuse to live my life wondering what could have been had i just said something. Just say ‘why don’t we date, ya know?’ don’t make it serious, but AT LEAST JOKE ABOUT jeez.

Kristin Says:

Yeah dude. TO ALL THE HUMANS WHO ARE IN LOVE WITH YOUR BEST FRIENDS: Say. Something.

I was in love with one of my best friends, and let me tell you something: I didn’t say anything and had to suffer through countless nights of cuddling and giggling and thinking THIS IS THE NIGHT WHERE SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN, and it never did, and then YEARS LATER when I finally confessed (and was totally over it) she was like, “Oh yeah, I knew that. There was one night where I almost rolled over and kissed you.”

YOU GUYS.

A) I should have said something, because she already knew ANYWAY, and B) There’s a chance I would have at least gotten to make out with her before we had a bigger conversation in which she was like, “Yo I like boys but we can watch Felicity all the time, okay?

Remember that things are, like Dannielle said, already different. You being honest with your best friend is what best friends do - and when you talk to her, you should say that. Tell her that you have feelings for her, and that you decided that being honest about those feelings was the best way that you could keep your friendship, at least, in tact. Tell her that she should also be honest with you and that you can work through it, no matter what… because that’s the truth.

Awkward is just a passing phase, y’all. Don’t be afraid of it and always, always trust your instincts.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Go to sleep and try again tomorrow… 

Kristin Says: 

Remember: him not wanting to travel to Boneville with you on Tuesday doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the tourist attractions and lavish accommodations that exist there. He just may have his mind elsewhere, and will likely be thrilled to join you on an incredible Boneville vacation on Wednesday.

NOW. If he only likes to VACATION once a month and that isn’t how you roll, you should probably have a conversation where you talk about your differences and find a way to meet somewhere in the middle (GET IT?! IN THE MIDDLE?! LIKE BONING?!)

If you are just cranky because he doesn’t want to VACATION all the time, then I think you need to make yourself a tropical cocktail of patience, trust and pineapple juice.

#COCKTAILS #GETIT

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

WHOOOOAAAA. This is cool..I mean, it’s not cool BUT ISN’T IT THE MOST INTERESTING THING!??! 

In general, people hate things they don’t understand. Remember being 11 and people asking you what your favorite subject in school was and you were like ‘social studies’ and they were like ‘i like math’ and you said ‘I HATE MATH’ … you literally HATED math… Did you actually hate math or did you not understand math?? I call this the 6th grade theory (you guys i just made that up)  We basically make the decision in our heads to hate things we don’t understand bc it’s SO MUCH EASIER than trying to understand them. 

Your mom is being super unfair right now, and she needs a grown ass lady talk. I think it’s okay to say to her ‘i know you don’t get it, but it’s making me feel awful that you think i’m incapable of loving someone just because i’m attracted to all kinds of people’ … because that’s what she’s saying. She hates the idea of you being bisexual because she doesn’t understand it #6thgradtheory and she might never understand it, but that’s okay, we’re not meant to understand everything. We’re meant to accept shit regardless of whether or not we understand it and love everyone based solely on the fact that they are human. Your mom loves you, tell her she’s hurting your feelings.

Kristin Says:

First thing I would do? I would say: “Mom, have you ever had anyone tell you that you can’t love another woman as much as another woman loves another man?” If she says no then she either lives under a rock or is totally lying, because the favorite hate-rant of pretty much any homophobic human on the planet is that gay people love isn’t the same as straight people love.

Tell her that. Tell her that the judgement and the discrimination that has been directed toward the LGBTQ community for decades hinges on some people thinking that the love of other people cannot be legitimate. Tell her that she is hurting you in the same exact manner, and that just as her love with her partner is valid - regardless of the gender of that partner - so is the love that you have with your girlfriend right at this moment.

I know you asked where her mindset is coming from, and Dannielle is right - your mom doesn’t understand. In her mind, she experiences love in a certain way, and so she has decided that everyone loves either a) the way she loves or b) in a heterosexual way. Just like people who decide that because they love boys and they are girls and so every girl must love boys, it seems your mom has gotten caught in a similar trap where there are two rigid options, instead of just the one. To me, that is equally as troubling.

Try to calmly talk to her about the fact that love and attraction are much more complex than either/or. It is going to be a process, the same as it is for people coming out to their heterosexual parents. Her misunderstanding of you does not invalidate you. That is the most important thing to remember. Continue to talk to her, remain patient, and remind her of the fact that she is hurting you by making you feel like your love doesn’t exist.