-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Well, the first thing to do is realize that him hooking up with people in the past does not make him a cheater. The second thing to do is realize that you’re cheater paranoia has nothing to do with him and everything to do with your own trust issues. The third thing to do is take a step back and realize him talking to someone he once hooked up with is the same as you talking to someone you once had a crush on. Just because you liked them or were attracted to them at one point in time DOES NOT mean those feelings last forever, or that you’ll forget you’re in a relationship with JONSEY just because you’re in convo with this person from your past. 

Once you have all those things in place, put them together for a good ole helping of Trusty-Understanding-Not-As-Freaked-Out stew. JONSEY has had a lot of hook-ups, and that makes you uncomfortable bc you have not. The two of you are different people and you had different pasts and the past can not and does not change, so this is something you literally have to just talk yourself out of being upset about. YOU’RE ALSO UPSET because you’ll think he’s going to cheat on you, this is your own issue, you have GOT to let go and allow yourself to trust him, if you do not trust him your relationship WILL NOT work. Simple as that. YOU’RE ALSO ALSO upset because you have nothing to compare this to, you don’t talk to your past hook-ups because you don’t have any. 

BUT LISTEN YOU GUYS…If you have ever had feelings for another human being, you can put yourself in JONSEYZ shoes and know what you would do in his situation. Feelings and bonings can be one in the same, it’s awesome for a second and then when it’s over it’s over, end of story. If JONSEY is telling you it’s over, you have to trust that it’s over. The same way you talking to the first boy you ever had a crush on means nothing to you, him talking to a guy he hooked up with in a Chilli’s bathroom means nothing to him. 

Kristin Says:

I am pretty open minded when it comes to sex and such, but can you all PLEASE refrain from hooking up in Chili’s bathrooms?! That just doesn’t sound appetizing. No pun intended.

Anyhoo. Yes, Dannielle hit the ol’ cheater-fear-nail on the head. You have absolutely been given a bit more ammo to feed into those fears of being betrayed since you know that JONSEY has been a man-about-town, but ultimately this is a situation where you are finding yourself unable to trust him.

What do we always say, gaybeans?

{Gaybeans take collective deep breath and shout together en masse: TALK TO HIM, ANONYMOUS!}

Seriously. Talk to him and just tell him, “Listen, JONSEY, I need you to know that from time to time I feel a little scared and a little jealous because I know you’ve hooked up with a lot of dudes and I haven’t. Sometimes it is hard for me to understand the dynamic between you and those guys and I also just wind up feeling insecure - and I am doing my best to work on that but it would be super helpful if you could be open to the fact that it is something I am working on, and maybe help me out from time to time by being sensitive.”

JONSEY should, if he is a good boyfriend, listen to you and make you feel good about trying to alleviate your fears. He should help you, and he should not patronize you and make you feel worse. You both need to be open about your questions and concerns, but you, Anonymous, you must be SURE not to do things like scowl at him across the room when he says hello to ex #4, or forbid him from going to a party where ex #1 will be, or give him shit about his past in general. Those things are unfair, and you need to be respectful of him and of his space.

Lastly, you most certainly are not the only gay man in the world who isn’t over the moon about having a ton of hook-ups. I would give you a list, but like, that seems distasteful so TRUST ME. #getit #bcyouhavetrustissues #practice