-Question submitted by Anonymous
I don’t know.
And it’s totally possible that she doesn’t know either. Which puts you in an even shittier position and I’m sorry. It’s like Taylor Swift says “People are people and sometimes it doesn’t work out”…it’s the truth you guys, and it’s the saddest and worst truth EVER.
The problem now isn’t why she doesn’t love you, it’s where you go from here. You can ask over and over and over what you did wrong or wonder if her feelings could possibly change OR you can accept the fact that it’s over and let yourself feel totally destroyed. I know that’s not what anyone wants to hear or what anyone wants to feel, but it’s a terrible awful no good thing that we all have to go through. We all get dumped or cheated on or lied to or all three and we all have to sit in our own scream-cry-snot-faced beds and feel absolutely horrible until we can feel a little better.
I want you to be angry, sad, bitter, and confused. I want you to actually feel those things. Listen to sad songs, watch Grey’s Anatomy (I recommend the two part season finale of Season 6), make your friends listen to you yell, and don’t leave your room for three days because your heart is fucking broken and no one can help you. Then once you feel all that, I want you to look in the mirror and think about how stupid your ex is for losing you. You’re incredible and you want to be with someone who loves you and doesn’t stop. You deserve the biggest and most important love in the world, not the love that will end before you got a chance to save it, you know? We are all here for you, in spirit at least.
Damn. Dannielle really fucking nailed it, you guys.
You know what the most truthful answer to your question is, Anonymous? The reason why she doesn’t love you anymore is not reflective of something that you have done wrong. It is not reflective of something you could have changed. For whatever the reason may be, and despite how incredible you both are as human beings, you are not making each other happy in the same ways, and that means it is time to let go.
During my last break-up I thought of one hundred bajillion reasons why I was unlovable. It was because I was too emotional. It was because I didn’t give her enough space. It was because I wasn’t passionate about my job. It was because I wanted too much commitment. You know what, though? My next relationship taught me that all of those things about myself were absolutely perfect and lovable and interesting and inspiring to a different person. My next relationship taught me that I could be motivated to work on the parts of myself that were hurting me and accept the parts of myself that I couldn’t change.
The reason I tell you that, Anonymous, is that I still respect and love my ex for who she is, and I am able to realize now that her inability to love me was not because of me - and it wasn’t because of her. It was because of us, and that means that there is no one reason why ‘she doesn’t love you anymore,’ and truthfully, in most cases it is much more complicated than love simply disappearing.
You have to go through this hurt. You have to doubt yourself and her and the whole world. What I encourage you to take with you on that rocky and important journey, though, is that her not loving you does not undo the fact that you are a lovable person. Those wounds will heal, you will begin to understand more about yourself, and, in time, you will be able to hold on to the reality that when someone falls out of love with you, it doesn’t make you anything less than what you were while they were loving you.