"I know that I’m a lesbian, but I can’t trust women. Only one woman in my life is still with me (my grandma). All the others, my mother, ex-step mother, ex-girlfirend, best friend turned ex-girlfriend, my dad’s ex-girlfriend, and so many more have just left me. I don’t want my trust issues to carry over to a relationship, but i’m afraid there’s no avoiding this insecurity."
-Question submitted by Anonymous
So, here’s the thing about life, you guys.
If you don’t learn to let go of the past and forgive the people who have hurt you, you are literally making things harder for yourself on purpose. You are the only one who has any control over your own life and you are DECIDING to make things more difficult because you don’t want to give those who have hurt you the satisfaction of being forgiven. Now, this might be a subconscious thing, but it’s a thing nonetheless.
You HAVE to find a way to put YOUR life first and stop focusing on these folks that have hurt you in the past. All you’re doing is letting them win. And by letting these idiots win, you’re hurting the shit out of the people who DO care about you. Do you have any idea how much it hurts your grandma to know that you think you ‘can’t trust women?’ Right now, you care more about the fact that SOME people have left you and hurt you than you do about the people who have stuck with you and done everything they could to make you feel loved. That sucks.
Sometimes it is hard to see the sunshine beneath all the shit, but staring at shit forever is way worse, trust me… Take some time each day to think of the women you appreciate. Then take it one step further and think of the PEOPLE you appreciate, these trust issues aren’t gender specific, and if you think they are, you’re fooling yourself. You might get hurt again, you might not. That’s life. It sucks for a while, then it doesn’t suck for a while, the it sucks again, then you figure out how to be happy. You are not allowed to blame other people for your trust issues.
Every single human being who reads this site has been hurt, some worse than others, some more than others, some in ways you can never understand. You will not be comfortable in any relationship you have until you have found it in your body and soul and heart to forgive every single person who has hurt you. Forgiveness is not saying, “What you did to me is okay.” It is saying, “I’m not going to let what you did to me ruin my happiness forever.”
I am going to build on what Dannielle just said up there, because I think that there is another component of you dealing with these emotions. That is the acceptance of your doubts and the ability to speak about them, and to navigate them within a relationship. You need to push yourself to be honest about these issues when they smack you in the face, so that you can say to your future-boo, “I am sorry I didn’t answer my phone all night last night. It was really shitty of me. Sometimes I feel like you don’t care about me, even though I know you do, and it isn’t because of you… it is because of other things that have happened in my life. I am going to keep working to be better at this, and I hope that you can work with me as well.”
Issues that we have in our always-complex-and-ever-churning brains don’t just “go away.” Or, at least they don’t for most of us. The thing I learned about myself in the past ten years of emotional workings is that, while at first I was working to make the bad feelings “go away,” my goal should have been to look closely at those bad feelings, to understand how they made me act and react, and to speak about them, process them, and learn to live with them. The secret there is that, in learning to live with them, you are starting to let them go.
So my advice to you is, listen to what Dannielle has said about forgiving those who have hurt you, but also work at allowing those gut-feelings to surface and to be spoken about. You will take some insecurity into your future relationships - we ALL do, it’s a part of being human. The trick is speaking about those insecurities, having an ever-evolving dialogue, and working with the person you love to best understand yourself and how you both fit together.
There are millions of people out there who would never leave you. I can promise you that.