-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You can’t take it much longer. I promise, this is the kind of thing that you hold onto in the back of your brain until one day you’re like ‘I DROPPED ALL OF MY FRIENDS AND DELETED MY FACEBOOK AND GAVE UP A SOCIAL LIFE FOR YOU’ and he’s like ‘woooow’ because all along he just thought you were doing it because you wanted to, but you’re just doing it bc you don’t feel like getting in fights. PLUS, why would you stop hanging out with your straight guy friends if there was no reason for him to be worried???

This is NOT AT ALL how I think, it’s just how he’s going to think once you blame it all on him. I know where you’re coming from, I know that in your head, you want him to know that you love him with all of your heart and he has no reason to be worried, so you’re cutting people off and getting rid of tiny things in your life because they don’t matter all that much and he matters SO MUCH. You have to tell him that and in that conversation you have to put your foot down. If he says ‘i dont want you to have a FB because what if your ex-boyfriend messages you’ tell him he shouldn’t be worried about them messaging you, he should be confident that you’ll respond in the right way or you won’t respond at all, plus ISN’T HE HAPPY THAT HE HAS YOU AND EVERYONE WANTS YOU. 

Him not trusting you is rough, it’s really hard on you, it weighs pretty heavily on your confidence. Trust me, I know how it feels, after months of someone not trusting you, you start to wonder if it’s because you don’t deserve to be trusted. That isn’t the case. Work through the trust issues with him and take steps toward a strong relationship with COMPLETE OPEN COMMUNCATION. Ask him to voice his concerns and talk to him about them, don’t let him sit around and wonder and obsess over these things that MIGHT be happening. Tell him to just ask you. And when he does, be sensitive, you love him, he loves you, you can totally make it work. 

Kristin Says:

Agree, agree, agree.

What you described up there, Anon, is not a sustainable life - for yourself or for your relationship.

There are a million things that I could say to underline WHY this is the case, but I don’t have to because you already know that this is not okay and that things need to change. If time travel was a thing, then I would tell you to get in the space-rocket-time-machine-mobile and go back to before you deleted your FB account, and before you stopped seeing your friends. Those are changes that no one should ever, ever have to make for the person that they love - and even though in the moment you feel like you are helping them through their “hell,” what you are actually doing is creating a bigger problem for them and for your relationship. THAT ADVICE WAS MOSTLY FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE ABOUT TO DO THOSE THINGS: DON’T DO IT.

Since time travel doesn’t exist, you just have to be (like Dannielle said) delicate but firm #sick in reverting back to a life where you are comfortable with your actions and you are able to comfort your boyfriend when he is feeling insecure without bending to unreasonable expectations.

Explain that you understand his fears but that you are looking out for the bigger picture of your life together. Listen to his words when he gets upset and angry, but stay firm. If he can’t let go of you enough for you to live your life, you need to be moving on - and if you putting your foot down is what makes him work harder to face his fears, he will thank you forever and ever and ever.