"I just ended an unhealthy relationship with the girl of my dreams. I still care about her deeply. I never felt secure enough with the relationship to fall in love, but she did. I know we both want to be in one another’s lives. There is still attraction between us, and I worry that even if we wait to become friends that we might still be teasing our hearts. I don’t want to hurt her any further.I want to give her the assurance that we will be connected, but not lead her on.what can i say or do?"
-Question submitted by Anonymous
Alright folks, here’s what’s up. She’s like ‘its cool i wanna be friends’ but what she’s thinking is ‘i’m still in love with you and i keep it cool, maybe you’ll finally fall in love with me too’
Now, it’s SUPER COMPLICATED, bc you can’t tell her she’s thinking that, she might be doing a really good job of convincing herself she can be friends, but you said it yourself, the feelings are still there. You have to wait for all those feelings to subside before you can begin a new/different relationship with someone. WHICH BY THE WAY IS WHAT YOU’RE DOING, YOU CAN’T JUST MORPH FROM ONE RELAYSH INTO ANOTHER, it takes time, patience and starting over.
The two of you need distance, you need to not talk for a while, you need to feel weird when you run into each other at the mall and you need to work up to an email that’s like ‘heeeeyyy we haven’t talked in a really long time and i was just wondering how you are?’
Otherwise YOU will be forever wondering who is feeling what and why everything hurts so much and SHE will be constantly wondering whether or not you want to kiss her and why you would invite her over if you didn’t feel the same way AND IT WILL BE THE WORST.
Oh hey, anonymous. Look at you, knowing all of these things about yourself and about your relationship. Twenty points for Griffindor. Good job. Also, Happy Labor Day.
Dannielle is right, it would be healthier and easier for both of you to not see each other for a bit whilst your hearts mend and you get a little less emotionally tangled. She is also correct in saying that you cannot tell ex-girl that you can’t see her because she can’t handle it…if I was your ex and you said that to me I would punch you in the nose (metaphorically).
If you don’t want to hurt her further and you still want to assure her that she means the world to you, tell her exactly that, but then take a step back. Go and see her, tell her how much you care for her but that the best thing for you right now is to take space and that you hope someday soon you will both come to a place of understanding where you can value each other but stay in a healthy friendship. She may accept that and you can both move forward, she may flip out, or she may react perfectly and then three days later burst into tears on your doorstep.
Regardless of her reaction, you need to remain strong. Your strength is important for yourself, for her, and for the strength of your future relationship together. Sometimes, caring about someone means hurting them in the short-term for a long-term good.
Now, go have a cheeseburger. #laborday