-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

GURL* PLZ. I’m 27 and I feel lost most of the time. Not in the same ways, I don’t want to be dating boys. But HONESTLY, if my mom was like ‘are you sure you’ll never marry a man’ I would give her a blank stare bc my ass is not psychic (neither is my brain). 

So, as far as deciding who you are and when… Don’t worry about it. If slappin a label on it makes you feel better, by all means GO FOR IT. But like, no one is completely certain about anything so you’re doing great. As far as making the process easier the only thing I really suggest - realize it’s a process. You won’t figure anything out over night. EVER. We’re all constantly figuring ourselves out, which is AWESOME. We’re all growing and changing and experiencing life CONSTANTLY. 

If you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and uncertain remember that you are not alone. For every panic moment you have, there are 16 thousand people your exact same age having that exact same panic moment. You’re doing all the right things, you’re slowly trying to figure out who you are and you’re trying to understand your feelings. That’s all we can do. Life is cray you guys, our feelings make absolutely no sense until one day they make perfect sense and who knows when that’s supposed to happen.

*feel free to replace with appropriate pronoun, but spell it wrong to get the right effect.

Kristin Says:

You do not. Have to decide. Your sexuality.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE. You do not have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt who you will be for the next five decades of life. You do not have to stay in one tiny confined box that you create for yourself out of the labels you gather from the world around you.

Some of us take comfort in having a way to name ourselves - a way to belong to a group of other people “like us,” or being able to understand ourselves better through the experiences of others. That is amazing and wonderful, and for that reason “labels” are sometimes able to embody something very, very positive. That is not always the case, though, so we must always be careful.

If you are seeking to belong to a community, well, know that you already belong to mine - and to Dannielle’s - and to ours here at Everyone Is Gay. This is not a community of lesbians or gay people or trans people… ours is a community of people who are committed to being kind to each other, who are committed to allow difference and similarity to overlap in completely unexpected ways, and who accept all of those around us whether they are in the beginning, middle, or end of their journey to understand themselves.

No matter how sure any of us are - we are all on a journey. You don’t need to know anything except for the fact that you are working toward happiness. Kiss who you want to kiss. Cuddle who you want to cuddle. Tell the world you are THIS THING if THAT THING makes sense to you, and don’t be afraid if down the line you are A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THING. That is life. We’ve got you.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

The only time I’ve dated someone with an ex that made me nervous I had no idea what to do. I would stand at the door wide-eyed as he walked into my home pointed to the girl on my couch and said ‘you need to get in the car.’ I. WAS. TERRIFIED. 

I never knew what to do and I would always look to her for guidance. I remember once we were driving on campus and I noticed a pick-up truck had been following me, I turned a corner quickly because I was weirded out, totally lost him, and as I came upon the next stop sign the truck pulled up next to me. It was him. I’m fairly certain I stopped breathing…I rolled down my window and he rolled down his, he didn’t even acknowledge me at first, just said “Erin, get in the car I’m taking you home” to which she responded “No. Are you insane?!” and he looked at me and said “Will you please take Erin home, I’ll follow you there.” I WAS SO SCARED YOU GUYS. I looked at Erin and she just sort of rolled her eyes and said “Fine, take me home.” So I did (still not breathing). He would drive by her apartment multiple times and if her car wasn’t there he would immediately drive to my house and bang on the door like a cop…Now, this boy wasn’t dangerous, he wasn’t going to hurt anyone and he just wanted to talk about his feelings. THANK JONAS.

BUT YOU GUYS, if someone is legit dangerous and making you feel uncomfortable slash unsafe, TALK TO SOMEONE. Kristin and I don’t know anything and can’t actually help you with a situation like that, find an advisor or counselor or someone who can tell you what you’re for real supposed to do bc that shit is SCARY. 

Kristin Says:

Yes. The word “psycho” doesn’t really do much in the way of letting us know exactly what you mean (and probably pissed a good number of people off, so, good luck with that…).

If you mean that the ex is angry and annoying and constantly getting in the way of you being able to spend time with your crush/boo/whatever, then you have to talk to crush-boo about the situation and figure out something that will make you both comfortable. Go to places that the ex doesn’t frequent. Stay in and watch a movie instead of parading yourselves across the bowling alley where she works. (I decided the ex works at a bowling alley. Deal with it.) Do not seek out the drama. Be the bigger person. Time will help - but for now, just take the high road.

If you mean threatening or dangerous, you absolutely talk to someone. If a person has threatened you or made you feel unsafe, you tell your parents, you tell a teacher, you tell the police - YOU TELL SOMEONE. Your safety comes before your crush-feelings, no matter how intense those crush-feelings feel.

Be smart, you guys. Heart feelings can sometimes muddle our decision making skills, and in situations where you might be in danger, you HAVE to be strong and keep that brain thinking logical and clear thoughts.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

I think listening to her concerns and fears is a great place to start. Chances are there isn’t anything specific you can do, but you CAN be a good friend (and sometimes that’s enough). 

I imagine your friend is feeling a whirlwind of emotions right now, ALL OF WHICH she probably just wants you to hear. When she tells you she is scared, she feels embarrassed and stupid, let her know she has every right to be feeling those things and you would feel the exact same way. Remind her that she is not stupid and you will do whatever it takes to make her feel at least a little better. 

According to THIS ARTICLE, one in six humans has herpes. Also according to that article the ONLY WAY to not get the herp is to be a straight woman and to make YO MAN wear a condom… so.. -______- If I were in your shoes, I’d want to lighten the mood a little. So… you could always make a list of her favorite celebrities and be like ‘point to one’ and when she does just scream ‘HERPES.’

This is a big deal, it is something she’ll have to be conscious of forever and it is a thing she’ll have to talk about in future relationships. HOWEVER, it is also very common, there is totally a prescription you can get, and it DOES NOT have to dictate the rest of her life.  

Kristin Says:

The thing with herpes is that it has this HUGE stigma attached to it… but in reality, like Dannielle said, it is a very VERY common thing and it is completely manageable. The reasons that your friend might be bummed out is because a) it’s confusing and she might not completely understand what it even means, b) she is aware of that stigma and keeps imaging herself having to tell people that she has herpes, and/or c) she feels like she made a dumb decision and she feels like a fool.

So, I think your path of being a friend can just help lift her up in those areas AND I agree with Dannielle AGAIN, I think you can make it a conversation that also includes some lightness. You can honestly be like, “Okay listen, I know this is upsetting you and I am your friend, and that is why I put a call into the mayor to name today FRHERPDAY2013.” She’ll be all, “Fruh-what Day?” and then you can be like, “IT STANDS FOR FRIENDS’ HERPES DAY 2013. IT IS WHEN YOU AND I TALK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT IS BUGGING YOU AND WE FIGURE IT OUT AND THEN YOU FEEL BETTER AND THEN WE GET FRHERP ICE CREAM. GOD WHY DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING.”

Then, on frherp day, you talk to her about how much she knows. You google things with her and do some research and help alleviate those fears. You talk about the fact that you understand why she feels anxious about having to tell other people, and underline the fact that this is a common occurrence and that anyone worth their salt will not judge her - especially if she is informed and able to explain it clearly. You tell her over and over again that she isn’t an idiot or a fool or stupid or anything - she’s just a person and this is a thing that is manageable and handle-able and that the mayor told you that, moving forward, any day could be frherp day and you are ALWAYS there to talk to her.

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You can identify however you want, when you want, where you want, with whom you want, under any circumstances. STAMP BANG BOOM GAVEL. #judgestuff

Identity is different for every human. Regardless of what you believe or who you date or whether or not you fall in love, identity is about discovering yourself and feeling comfortable in your own skin. Who cares what other people think?! If someone says “oh you can’t be a gayhead bc you don’t believe in love,” simply slap them across the face and say “YOU DON’T TELL ME HOW I FEEL”

Well… maybe don’t slap them, or do slap them but don’t tell anyone it was bc I told you to do it. Discover who you are on your own time and for your own reasons. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong because when it comes down to it, we’re all just trying to find ourselves and no one can find you except you.

“Do YOU” - Jersey Shore

Kristin Says:

WHAT EVEN.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

I will slap them myself. Except… with my words because I don’t believe in violence.

Sexuality can have everything to do with love, it can have something to do with love, and it can have NOTHING to do with love. That is entirely dependent on you and your experience and absolutely no one can take that away from you.

Listen, people. Can everyone PLEASE CALM DOWN. Choose how you’d like to refer to yourself, figure out what that means to you, revel in and enjoy when others share those similar feelings and similar identities but APPRECIATE THE FACT THAT WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. You are not the gatekeeper on identity. I am not the gatekeeper on identity. We are each the makers of our own selves, and how dare any of you tell anyone else what they can and cannot be.

GAVEL SLAM.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

YOU GUYS I DON’T KNOW THE ANSWER. 

Here’s the thing. I used to live in Greenpoint which is an area of Brooklyn RIGHT BY WILLIAMSBURG…which is where alllllll the hipsters are, you guys. I was blocks from the Bedford stop on the L train, aka hipsterville, usa population: hipsters only. I WAS ALWAYS SO SELF CONSCIOUS WHEN WALKING TO THE TRAIN. It was the worst. It was the train I took most frequently and every single time I walked that way I felt like a loser. Sometimes people with cool clothes and horn-rimmed glasses would look at me and I would be convinced they were thinking “I’m way cooler than that Dannielle Owens-Reid girl LOL.”Ok, so they’re prolly not thinking that and I was totally wrong but still…that’s what I went through every day for like two years.  

I eventually realized we are all tiny balls of energy floating around and feeling self-conscious, inadequate and uncool. Maybe it’s in a different way, but trust me, no one feels 100% awesome 100% of the time. If you want to feel ‘cool’ just engage with them the same way you would engage with any other human. Common interests. “Ohhhh i love that sweater” is always a great place to start. When you compliment someone they automatically feel compelled to talk with you. They’ll tell you where they got the sweater or how they found it or who owned it before them or whatever.  It will start a conversation and starting is always the hardest part. 

We’re all going to be intimidated by people for the rest of our lives for twenty billion different reasons. Take that thing that intimidates you and turn it into a talking point, ask questions, comment, show interest, etc. WE CAN DO THIS, YALL!! 

Kristin Says:

Okay so you totally aren’t stupid, but I want you to remember that a hipster is just a person behind tortoise-shell glasses. If hipsters are making you feel uncool by looking down at you, that makes them ASSHOLES, not hipsters. Capish?

In my opinion, the coolest people are the ones who love what they love, dress how they want, and own that shit. And honestly, if there is a definition of “hipster” I think it stems from exactly that mode of operation. 

My advice would be to remember that what makes you look at another person and think, “Hey, they are pretty cool,” is not the color of their jeans or the style of their haircut, it is the way they OWN those things, the way they say - HEY THIS IS ME WORLD SO TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT. It is their confidence. We all have that within us, we just need to remind ourselves that we are wonderful, interesting, valuable human beings with important things to communicate.

My alternate piece of advice would be to remember that hipsters poop just like the rest of us.

That pretty much evens the playing field.