- Question submitted by Anonymous
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I am of the mindset that currently everyone is being catfished. Clearly, I’m wrong.. not everyone on the internet is a fishcat- fishcat is way cuter than catfish- BUT the bottom line is SOME PEOPLE ARE FISHCATS.
I think it’s cool to talk to your friend about your fears, but make sure you aren’t being accusatory. If I were your friend and I met someone on the internet and fell head over heels and really felt like I could be myself and finally thought someone understood me and EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT, I would be really defensive of my internet lover. And if you approached me by saying “your internet lover is probably a fishcat,” I would be mad at you. HOWEVER, if you said “are you ever afraid INTERNETLUV might be a fishcat,” I would be more willing to have a conversaysh.
I would advise against trying to Veronica Mars / Harriet The Spy / SVU Detective Name the situation, ONLY BECAUSE if you are wrong, you will just be a creep. OH maybe you can suggest being a detective team to make sure internetluv isn’t a fishcat? If you do it together it isnt’ that weird… I think?
You must, must, must, approach this from a position of your own concerns, and not from a place of “you are being stupid and I know more than you.” Yes — you probably do have the upper hand on the knowledge end of things because love makes people’s eyeballs and heartballs all wonky and less reliable. HOWEVER, with the slightest suggestion of “i know more than you,” your friend’s ears will close and their feeling meter will instantly flip to angry/defensive.
I agree with Dannielle’s suggestion of a team effort — and this doesn’t have to mean a team spy effort, exclusively. Your friend is in love, which means they make not be entirely up for the idea of digging around with a spyglass and such (although that does sound like a total blast). Your team effort might just mean that you position yourself as the proud yet worrisome friend who needs a little more reassurance because you care about your friend’s heart so very much.
Just say something like, “I am so, so happy for you and I can’t wait until we both get to meet Juan Benjamin.” Then your friend will be like, “What do you mean when WE get to meet Juan Benji??” Then you’ll be like, “LISTEN, I WORRY ALL THE TIME AND IM SURE THAT EVERYTHING IS FINE BUT I’VE SEEN A LOT OF MOVIES AND YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME SO I JUST WANT TO BE THERE TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS FINE AND MAKE SURE YOU ARE MEETING IN A PUBLIC PLACE AND PLEASE DON’T HATE ME DO YOU HATE ME CAN I JUST BE THERE FOR TEN MINUTES THANKS OKAY PHEWF.” Then collapse in a heap of friend-effort.
I don’t even know if your friend plans to meet Juan Benji anytime soon, but this will at least open up the conversation that you love your friend, you are happy for them, and you want to make sure they are safe (and that their heart is safe, too!).
If this is a situation where only feelings are at risk, be as supportive and as honest as possible without getting too involved.
IMPORTANT: If this is a situation where addresses or personal details are being exchanged, or they plan to meet, you either have a conversation with your friend explaining why that cannot and should not happen until they can be sure of this person’s intentions OR you immediately talk to someone else and make them aware of the situation.
- Question submitted by Anonymous
I’m about to get REAL OPEN, so get ready.
I was not into sexitime for a very long time. It made me uncomfortable and anxious and I felt like everything was wrong and I wondered why I even did it bc like even if I was dating the person I WASN’T IN LOVE AND SEX WAS FOR LOVE AND BABIES. It made me feel bad about myself and I knew I was doing it because it’s what the human I was with expected. I wasn’t really doing it because I wanted to and tbh and I didn’t want to. So basically I was ruining myself and my feels inside.
It took a long time for me to be comfortable with what I wanted AND a big part of that was accepting the anxiety that came along with it. Once you figure out why it is that you’re feeling anxious, you can work through that. For me, it was not knowing why I was “getting jiggy with it” AND feeling like I was doing everything wrong. I felt stupid on all counts and figuring out that I wasn’t stupid was what got me to a place where I could just let go.
Sex is a complicated thing in our society because we’re brainwashed from birth as to what sex means and stands for and how much you should want it and when it’s okay. You have to find your sexy feelings for you, which is a lot of work. But you will get there, recognizing your anxiety is the first step and you’ve done that, so you’re headed in the right direction, promise.
I want to first highlight the fact that Dannielle say “getting jiggy with it.”
I want to next highlight the fact that if you are feeling anxious about having had sex, the very first thing you should know is that you don’t have to have sex again unless you are feeling like you’ve worked through some of what’s happening on your insides (figuratively, not literally, although in this case the two are possibly related).
There are a whole ton of reasons why you may be feeling anxious.
Maybe you had built up in your head that sex was going to be life-changing, and in reality you just felt self-conscious and confused and then it was over and you’re like WHAT THE HELL.
Perhaps you weren’t really ready to connect with someone on that level, and you just went along with things because you weren’t sure what to do, and that feeling of being physical with an emotional disconnect isn’t for you.
It’s possible that you had sex and it was SO overwhelming in great ways that your brain will NOT stop replaying every moment and you’ve never been so all-consumed before and you’re like omg what is with my brain and body someone help me calm down WHAT’S HAPPENING.
Maybe you didn’t like having sex, period - whether or not it came with an emotional connection - and you aren’t sure what to do with those feelings.
It is up to you to start to sift through the anxiety and try to pinpoint where it is originating — just like Dannielle said. If you have someone in your life who you can talk to about your feelings, that would be a wonderful place to start. If not, try writing out your feelings. It may take several passes at writing things down (or talking with a friend) for you to start to uncover what’s going on with you, specifically. Once you start to learn more, you will have a bigger understanding of the path forward.
I want to repeat again: sex isn’t something any of us have to do, or something that you should feel obligated to participate in, blissfully, for all eternity. Sex is about exploring, physically and emotionally and mentally, our bodies and how we want to use them. Listen to your body. Listen to your brain. Do what make you comfortable, and know that it’s okay for it to feel confusing. And yes, that anxiety, so long as you work to understand it, will certainly go away.
- Question submitted by Anonymous
OMG LISTEN. One time someone told me they loved me for the first time while we were in a fight in my car and I was stunned and I said “well..” and then patted them on the shoulder… SO LIKE. WHO AM I, first of all. SECOND OF ALL, I totally loved her, 100% loved her and wanted to tell her, I just couldn’t get it out of my mouth. For like a week I was like ‘LOL HI’ and she told me she loved me again and I just smiled.
I’m just now realizing I’m the worst…
EVENTUALLY, I was curled up and feeling like I was gonna barf and whatsherface was like “are you okay” and I was like “no” and she was like “what’s wrong” and I was like “nothing” and she was like “are you sure are you okay” and I was like “just thinkin about how I love you that’s all” and she was like “oh really…” and then I think she rolled her eyes and started watching a Beyonce Music Video or something.
My point is… Some of us aren’t great with our words. AND some of us don’t know how to express ANYTHING. Your boo might be afraid and maybe also your boo just isn’t ready to say those words, which is totally fine. Love is an incredible gift. Putting yourself out there and being vulnerable is one of the most amazing things you can do. Don’t feel like an idiot, you’re amazing. So many people keep their feels tucked away because they’re afraid. I’m 100% certain your boo is so happy you didn’t do that.
The very first time I fell in love, I said I love you and didn’t hear it returned for many many weeks. I think, maybe because of how my entire body felt that it was flipped upside down, and maybe because I had never had a feeling like that one before… it didn’t even phase me to not hear it returned. I was like an adventurer standing atop a mountain that no one else had ever climbed, discovering what it meant to say “I love you,” and mean every fiber of that phrase. I was saying it to tell her, sure… but I was saying it because I had to say it - it was absolutely incredible and wonderful and terrifying and life-changing.
Eventually that lovely girl told me she loved me back, and then we dated for two years, and then we broke up, and then we remained friends, and then we became best friends, and recently she officiated my wedding. So, whatever, lesbian tangent.
The subsequent times that I fell in love I cared more about hearing it returned, because I was worried about all the things that you are likely worrying about right now. What if I was the only one who felt this way? What if she thought I was stupid? What if I scared her off?
I understand those feelings, sure… but I do believe that the truest way of saying “I love you” doesn’t hinge on the return of that phrase. Your perception that your words moved her are likely spot-on, and that is why we say those words to one another. We want to let someone know how very much we care. Now, sure, if you go another six months and she never returns the sentiment, you can absolutely have a conversation about how she’s feeling and how you’re feeling and how everyone’s feeling and feelings feelings feelings. Totally.
For now, though — for this initial period of maybe a few weeks or a month or so, just tell her you love her because you love her. Let her navigate her own feelings, and get to them as she gets to them. Feelings - and love especially - can be tricky, and hard to pin down.
I think she’ll get there.