-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Listen… I understand where you’re coming from, but if I was dating someone who rolled their eyes when I LOLd at a sign that said “MANGOES 69” I would be forever sad. You guys, 69 is sooooooo funny. I TOTALLY GET HOW it’s not funny to some humans and i RESPECT that. Howevz, if I could feel on my insides that you thought I was an idiot every time I LOLd at 69, it would probably legit ruin our relationship. 

The way I see it you have two options. Option one: Tell him that buttholes and farts can be funny, but when you’re trying to kiss his nipple and he makes a fart noise, it makes you feel like he doesn’t want to do sexi things with you SLASH makes you feel like you’re not good at sexi things SLASH makes you feel like he isn’t attracted to you and just wants to be your ‘bro’ 

Option two: break his heart and leave him in a pile of mush. 

Kristin Says:

Oh man. I can’t believe today is the day that we tell you to leave your boyfriend because of butt jokes…

It’s like HERE’S THE THING. When you say, “Well, I loved my boyfriend but I had to leave him. He always made fart jokes and I couldn’t stand it,” that sounds dramatic (and sort of hilarious), HOWEVER… when you say, “I loved my boyfriend so much but our senses of humor were polar opposites, and that made things really hard for both of us,” … that sounds pretty logical.

So. Step One is addressing the issue.

My first solution: Butthole Tuesdays. On Tuesdays, your boyfran is allowed to literally make as many butt jokes as his gutter-brained-heart can muster. He can wake you up with a fart noise and serve you breakfast while telling you butt jokes. On the rest of the days, he gets to tell one gutter-butt-joke. #butterjoke

I love the first solution because I REALLLY want there to be something called Butthole Tuesday, plus I feel like those limits will help you deal with him and also help you find some more humor in the gutter.

If you can’t reason with him, or if you find that after talking to him nothing improves… then you seriously might be in a situation where your joke-brain is so far off the mark from his that you can’t have as much fun together as either of you would prefer in the relationship. That is a valid concern, especially if nothing is fixed after you adress the issue and work on it as a team.

I’m really rooting for you. Butthole Tuesdays for the win.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

L. O. L. This made me laugh, but also, I know what you mean. Annnnnd you’re probably gonna be jealous for a while. 

IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU A BAD PERSON, IT JUST MAKES YOU A HUMAN PERSON. I know it’s super weird bc you’re like ‘i dont like him like that anymore, his boyf is literally the best, i’m happy for him and i love hanging out with them BUT ALSO I HATE EVERYTHING,’ so you’re confused about your feelings…and that’s totally okay. Let yourself be jealous for a while bc a little jealousy is totally healthy.

HOWEVER, HERE’S WHAT I SUGGEST…

Say out loud the things you love about your friends boyf. I mean, EMPHASIZE that shit. When he comes over literally scream ‘I’M SO GLAD YOU’RE HERE’ and when he says something funny, scream ‘YOU’RE SO FUNNY’ and when he opens the door, shout, ‘YOU’RE SO NICE.’ You could just say them, you don’t have to scream them but (a) that makes everything hilarious (b) saying these things outloud will reiterate how much you love him. The only thing that can make this any better is accepting your jealousy and attacking it head on… WHICH IS EASIER SAID THAN DONE…which is why you have to yell things. 

The fact of the matter is; you love him and eventually you will be totally okay with him having a really amazing boyf. BUT you have to accept the way you feel before you can get over it. 

Kristin Says:

Stop trying to make the feelings STOP.

That should be a rule of thumb (what does that even mean) for everyone across the world for every issue they ever have. YOU GUYS. WE CANNOT MAKE FEELINGS JUST DISAPPEAR. IT’S SCIENCE.

Also: you can be happy for someone and still feel jealous. That jealousy doesn’t mean you are any less happy for your friend, and it doesn’t mean you are a jerk. It just means that there is a part of you that feels unsettled or insecure. That is totally normal, and totally acceptable.

So. Accept your feelings and explore them more. Try to understand why, exactly, this beautiful boy who is so nice makes your insides squinch up and get angry and resentful. Write about those feelings. Talk to your closest friends if you need to - and you can even consider talking to him, so long as it is framed in the context of, “I am so happy for you but sometimes I struggle despite it all - UGH FEELINGS YOU KNOW.”

For the most part, though, just work so that those feelings don’t erupt in a mean or passive-aggressive way while you are with the happy couple. You can HAVE feelings and still make sure those feelings don’t lash out at others. The more you accept the feelings, the less powerful they will become, and before you know it you will be the middle spoon in a cuddle-session with them both and you will confess how a few months ago you’d get so angry and then you wrote to Everyone Is Gay and they saved your life and they you’ll all have a webcast marathon together.

Boom.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you have to just stop and rationalize with yourself. I mean, when it comes down to it you can’t (SLASH shouldn’t want to) control everything your boyf does and everyone your boyf talks to. SO, when he’s talking to someone and you’re like ‘WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER HE WOULDN’T TALK TO HER IF HE DIDN’T LIKE HER’ … Think to yourself ‘talking is not the same as making out’ 

That’s generally where everything stems from, you being afraid he’s gonna want to make out with someone else. I have a ton of friends, a lot of them are girls and I don’t want to make out with ANY of them #nooffensefranz. I’m sure you have a ton of friends you don’t want to make out with because that’s how life goes. You have friends and you have MORETHANFRIENDS. You are his more than friend, and you should trust that. AND if you’re feeling wonky about someone, talk to him about it and say ‘i’m feeling super insecure and I don’t know why so just tell me you love me most’

Bottom Line: it’s okay to be insecure sometimes, it’s okay to talk to him or ask him about his friends, it’s okay to be a little jealous. It’s not okay to let that jealousy take over. Before you jump on him for hanging out or talking to someone, have a talk with your own brain and put yourself in his shoes. That way when you approach him you will have calmed down a little and you won’t scream-yell-cry at him.

Kristin Says:

I am a jealous person, and I can tell you that the advice above is SPOT ON, folks. Jealousy is a powerful beast of a thing that will quite literally pop through your stomach like that Alien in Alien if you don’t deal with it - so don’t ignore it. Unless you want to have an alien baby that attacks your boyfriend.

I have found that by recognizing my jealousy as something that is THERE AND PRESENT but generally not at all grounded in facts or reality, I am able to talk about it with my boo. Here is a dramatization:

Me: Hey, I am having jealous feelings about Cynthia.
GF: Really? Why?
Me: I don’t know - and I know you aren’t going to make out with her, but sometimes when you laugh really hard at all her jokes I get a pit in my stomach and also I think she has a crush on you.
GF: Listen. I think your jokes are the funniest and I love you. Cynthia is my friend, but I totally understand why you feel that way, and I am glad you told me. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I know she doesn’t have a crush on me - but even if she did I would be with you, because you’re mine.
Me: I feel a little better for saying it out loud. Thanks for listening. I might tell you a couple more times about the feelings. I have all of the feelings.
GF: Yes, I know.

{makeout, she gives me a pony, buys me a house, and tells me I’m pretty. end scene}

Other than talking about it I HIGHLY SUGGEST sitting with the alien-baby feelings for AT LEAST AN HOUR before talking about them. A lot of times the feelings go in a trajectory that looks like this:

KILL KILL KILL KILL OMG KILL OMG OMG KILLLLLLL AHHHHHH WHYYYYY WHY WHY UGH UGH STUPID EVERYTHING IS STUPID UGH SIGH SIGH SIGH I LOVE MY BOO THO BUT UGHHHH BUT SIGHH I LOVE MY BOO

Wait til you get to the end of that to talk to him. Cool? Cool.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Everyone needs me time and your boyf needs to respect that shit. 

I’m for real. It doesn’t have to be a dramatic thing, but have the conversation again where you’re like ‘i seriously love you so much, i just wanna sit in my room and sing along to wicked and toot when my stomach tells me and eat cereal in bed even though i know that’s gross’ and when you’re boyf is like ‘are you sure it isn’t because you don’t like me anymore?!’ You say ‘me wanting 12 hours of alone time does NOT mean i don’t love you more than anything on earth… i honest to katniss just want to sit on my couch in my underwear, watch 13 going on 30 and pick my nose… that’s all, it literally has nothing to do with you!’ 

Because that’s wherein lies the confusion. WE ALWAYS THINK IT HAS TO DO WITH US, YOU GUYS, ALWAYS. It totally doesn’t tho. Needing alone time is 85% about releasing gasses (be it burping or tooting) and 15% about being able to write in your journal. Knaw mean? It’s a natural thing we all need and no one knows why, but it keeps us calm, cool, collected and mentally sound. 

Kristin Says:

“Honest to Katniss” -Dannielle Owens-Reid

Listen. I have something to CONFESS. I am the person who, when you tell me you need alone time, will be like, OMG TOTALLY THAT IS SO GOOD FOR YOU… and then if it’s the right kinda day, three breaths later I will be like REMEMBER HOW YOU DON’T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME OR WANT ME AROUND?!

So, I will advise you from the perspective of the person who knows deep down that you love me (him) but still has trouble holding onto that reality in the way of insecurities:

#1: Be firm, lovingly. #thatswhatshesaid  Even if he gets angry or sad or says things that he doesn’t mean, you must stand your ground. In a lot of cases, after three weeks of you taking your alone time he will adjust to the change and - if he is anything like me - probably realize he also loves eating cereal in bed while tooting and watching movies.

#2: Don’t pussyfoot around the issue. #thatsalsowhatshesaid My BIGGEST pet peeve is when my boo will be like, “Soooo. Next Tuesday. I was going to go to dinner with Charlie. And like. I love you. I just was thinking that maybe. Is it okay if like. I’d like to maybe. Spend time alone a little? {cringe face}” YOU GUYS. It makes me feel like such a bonehead. Even though some of the time I will feel insecure, I just want to be spoken to like a grown lady. Tell him when you want alone time, and don’t anticipate him being put off by it. Sure, maybe the first 3 times he will get sad, but if you can manage to not anticipate it… that fourth time he just might surprise you.

#3: In the moments when you are having an incredible time with him, be sure to tell him. A lot of times we just assume our boo knows that we love spending time with them… but a lot of times that boo could really be served well by hearing it in human-words, instead of just knowing it instinctually.

You take your time, your boo will learn to let go more if you can both communicate and be patient, and everyone is going to be happily tooting in no time.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Don’t have sex with him.

Kristin Says:

Agree. No Condom = No Sex, you guys.

Here are some ways in which to not have sex with him:

-Say, “well, hopefully you have a really good imagination so that you can pretend we are having a really great sex when you are home alone in your bed tonight… “

-Loudly pronounce, “NO I AM NOT READY TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN” the next time you are in public together. This will work regardless of your gender.

-Explain that you have some important thoughts regarding his recent decision to not care about his own body or yours, and then play “Your Body Is A Wonderland” on maximum volume.

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Go to sleep and try again tomorrow… 

Kristin Says: 

Remember: him not wanting to travel to Boneville with you on Tuesday doesn’t mean he doesn’t love the tourist attractions and lavish accommodations that exist there. He just may have his mind elsewhere, and will likely be thrilled to join you on an incredible Boneville vacation on Wednesday.

NOW. If he only likes to VACATION once a month and that isn’t how you roll, you should probably have a conversation where you talk about your differences and find a way to meet somewhere in the middle (GET IT?! IN THE MIDDLE?! LIKE BONING?!)

If you are just cranky because he doesn’t want to VACATION all the time, then I think you need to make yourself a tropical cocktail of patience, trust and pineapple juice.

#COCKTAILS #GETIT