-Question submitted by Todd

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Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form. 

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you. 

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories. 

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

Hey gaybeans. 

In lieu of advice today, we thought it would be appropriate to share Kristin’s Coming Out story. Why, you ask? Well, mostly because she came out to her parents over Thanksgiving dinner - a moment that may be in your immediate future (knowingly or not). So, as many of you ready yourselves for a family holiday, here is how Kristin spent hers one million years ago.

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Kristin Says:

Mashed potatoes, over-cooked stuffing, and an antibiotic-infused, Butterball turkey: these are the markers of the American holiday known as Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you were at my house on November 26, 1998. If that were the case, you would have also found a slightly tipsy, wine-drinking mom, a smiling, story-telling dad, a sullen, pre-pubescent little sister, and me at the age of eighteen, clad in Salvation Army sourced clothing, about to tell my parents that I was a big homo.

First, some background. Up until my senior year in high school, I identified as a straight girl with very close girl friends and a deep adoration for Liv Tyler. My very observant mother, however, had asked me countless times if I was a lesbian. My answer was always the same: “No, Mom, calm down and stop asking me!” Then, in the fall of 1997, I met a girl. We became friends. We hung out. We kissed. We liked kissing. We did some other stuff. This happened a few times, and then that thing happened. That oh-dear-god-my-stomach-is-squeezed-and-my-heart-is-in-my-throat thing. I liked this girl.

In addition to my oh-my-god-I’m-gay panic, I was horrified that my mother had been right all along. As most of you know, telling your parents that they are right about anything is almost impossible between the ages of eleven and twenty-four. I didn’t breathe a word of my gayness to anyone but my close friends for almost a year…which brings us back to the Thanksgiving Day surprise.

Once my sister had left the table to go doodle in her Lisa Frank notebook, I began to complain about an awful translation of the Bible that had been given to me by a relative. I said something like, “Mo-OM. They make it sound like God hates gay people, but that is a load of bullshit.” My mom looked up from her stuffing, her eyes troubled by my angry tone, and asked, for the hundredth time, “Kristin, is there something you want to tell us?” Then…it just happened. I dug my fingers into my palm, mustered up as much teenage-courage as I could, and answered, “Yes. I want to tell you both that I’m gay.”

Silence.

The first thing that my parents said to me, and the thing I will always remember, was that I was their daughter and they would always love me. For that I was, and still am, very thankful. After this initial reaction, however, my mother began what would be a very long journey in reconciling her love for her child with her deeply-instilled religious beliefs. The first few years were very hard. My mother and I fought a lot. She cried a lot and I yelled even more. Through all of it, though, we never stopped loving each other.

Over time, the yelling calmed into a dialogue. She allowed herself to meet some of my girlfriends. Our dialogue progressed, and she began to ask me questions. Slowly, my girlfriends were invited over for dinner, and my mother and I found common ground amidst differing beliefs.

The thing about ‘coming-out,’ is that it isn’t one moment at a Thanksgiving dinner table. It is a process that takes patience, understanding, and compassion. It is different for everyone. All we can do is share as much of ourselves as we feel comfortable with, and work diligently at accepting who we are, with or without the understanding of those around us.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

1. When you see her across the room, catch her eye, point to your boobs and give her a thumbs up.

2. Say “Did you catch the L Word last week” and if she says ‘no, was it any good’ THEN SHE IS NOT GAY BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THE L WORD HASN’T BEEN ON TV FOR YEARS.

3. Pass her a note that says “bffe or make outs? circle one” and if she circles bffe don’t try to make out with her. 

4. Ask her what her favorite everyone is gay webcast is and if she says ‘whats that’ show her THIS and then make out. we will turn her gay for you. 

5. Start wearing a patch that says ‘i’m secretly gay’ on your backpack… let her make the first move.

Kristin Says:

1. Say, “Hey, what came first the chicken or the egg?” and then before she responds shout, “DEPENDS ON IF YOU WANT TO KISS ME OR NOT AM I RIGHT?!”

2. Read her BODY LANGUAGE #sick. Please refer to this “how to tell if someone wants to make out with you by how they giggle with you” instructional video.

3. Softly hum three different Tegan and Sara songs in succession. If she never interrupts you, she wants to make out with you. If she says, “what are you humming,” say, “Tegan and Sara” and then pucker your lips REALLY DRAMATICALLY and sit there until she kisses you. If she doesn’t kiss you, return to humming until you complete all three songs.

4. Draw a picture of her face and give it to her, and say, “That is a picture of you that I made, where you want to make out with me but I can’t tell because you haven’t actually made out with me. Sometimes life is confusing just like art.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Listen, I told one person in my family and everyone knew within 14 seconds, which is essentially the same thing as posting it on facebook… So, like, you’ll probably be fine. 

I think if I were you, I’d talk to the people I’m closest to first (via message or text or phone or whatever makes you most comfortable) and be like “i just wanted to tell you bc I’m gonna post it on facebook and I didn’t want you to either flip out or think I was joking.” THAT WAY, they won’t feel like you didn’t want to tell them. That would be my main concern, that if I didn’t tell them personally, they would think it was because I didn’t love them or something.. you know?

Either way, you’re going to have to talk to them, you can’t just come out and expect everyone to pretend it didn’t happen, so be respectful about it. Put yourself in their shoes. If your bff told facebook they were gay before telling you, how would you feel? It doesn’t have to be a big deal, you don’t have to have a long conversation, but If I were your mom, I’d feel soooo sad that you didn’t feel like you wanted to tell me first. IF I WERE YOUR MOM. 

Kristin Says:

I think it’s totally fine.

Coming out is more than meets the eye anyway, because it is a process that evolves over time. You “coming out” via Facebook is really just step one in a larger dialogue that will develop between you, your family and your friends.

HERE IS THE THING THOUGH. If I were going to just put it out there for the world to ingest on the internet, I would say a few more words then just, “I’m gay.” That tiny little outburst may leave the rest of the world thinking things like, “Is this a joke or for real?” or “How do I respond / Do they want me to respond?” or “I’m so glad that TONYA #yourname is happy!!” (that would be your grandma’s response). Perhaps post a few extra words on Facebook or Tumblr (and then linked to Twitter or whatever) - just saying,

“Hey, so… I’m gay. Instead of sitting all of you down one by one, this seemed like the easiest way to communicate. I’m totally comfortable talking to any or all of you more, so I will be holding office hours from 10-3 every Tuesday. JUST KIDDING, but seriously, thanks for listening and don’t be afraid to ask me if I now only wear rainbow suspenders.”

If you want to sit anyone down beforehand, go for it - but I don’t think you should feel pressured to do so. If it makes your mom sad, you can talk to her about that in person after the fact.

GOOD LUCK AND STUFF.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

If this were me and my mother, i wouldn’t talk about it at all. Maybe your relaysh with your ma’ is totally different, but like..I wouldn’t want to deal with it. 

Everyone has a different way of approaching important life things and I want to go ahead and say I am NOT AT ALL the best at it. For me, it’s more important to have a nice time and make sure my mom is okay. I’d rather avoid the gay thing for a few days and get our relationship back to a good spot. Maybe she’s thinking about it, but maybe she’s not. There are a million other things going on in both of your lives and I think the fact that you’re gay is not that big of a deal. 

I know that being gay and coming out and finding yourself are all huge things, but having a good relationship with your mom is also a huge thing. The two of you will work to find a place where you know how to talk about it again, you can’t force stuff like that. Focus on having a good time at home and helping your mom to remember you’re the same kid you always were, you’re her kid, you know? She loves you more than anything and these things take time. One day if you’re sitting around and you’ve had an awesome week just shooting the shit and eating oreos maybe ask her if she’s thought about it at all. Don’t force her to have a conversation she’s not ready to have, but you can totally bring it up and say ‘i just love you a lot and i want us to feel comfortable talking about stuff’ and she’ll get it, maybe she won’t be able to talk it really, but she’ll at least get that you love her and she won’t feel pressured to talk about something she doesn’t understand. 

Kristin Says:

This is absolutely one hundred million percent dependent on how your insides are feeling now that you are home and under the same roof.

If you feel like, “Damn, I just want to sit and watch a movie and tell her about my stupid calculus professor and how my roommate would leave pizza on her bed overnight,” then you should do those things, and not focus on the lesbian elephant #lesbiphant

If that conversation you had back in April is weighing heavily on your heart, though, then talking about it may be the best thing for you. What Dannielle said about that conversation is dead on, though - it has to be a conversation that is both for you to communicate your feelings and for her to be able to communicate hers. So many times in these situations we feel that we need to have the conversation so that it ends with MOM thinking KID is right (or vice versa)… but that ain’t true. No one needs to change their opinion in the conversation, no one needs to concede their point. It should be about both of you being able to say how you feel, and working to understand the other person’s feelings.

“Mom, I love you. The conversation we had in April really hurt me, and I know it was probably really hard for you, too. I don’t want to try to convince you of anything or make things uncomfortable - but I do want you to know that I would like to try to talk more about this as you feel comfortable, because it is a part of my life, and you are so important to me.”

Start there. Breathe. Have patience. It may be a summer of struggle over there, but let me tell you this much: The summer of 1999 (#oldlady) was my summer of struggle, and the other day my mom was on the radio with me telling all of America how excited she was about Obama’s support of gay marriage… so, hang in there. xoxo