-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I don’t understand what there is to read into. 

She wants to get wasted and make out. 

CONSIDER IT READ.

If you don’t wanna hook up with her, don’t get smashkerd with her obvz. If you DO wanna get smigtagged with her and totally hook up, do it and be fully aware of your emotions. The worst thing you can do is go into it pretending you don’t have feelings if you do OR PRETENDING YOU DO HAVE FEELINGS WHEN YOU DON’T AND THEN HURTING HER FEELZ. So, just check in with yourself, have a convo in the mirror and get schmickled with your ex based on what your brain says, not what your underpants feel… YOU GET ME?!

Kristin Says:

HOLIDAY BOOTY CALL ALERT WEEEEEOOOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOO WEEEEEOOOOOO

Dannielle is correct. If your ex says, ‘Hey wanna get schneckitty with me while we are both home for the holidays,’ that either means you are going to make out OR you are going to get too sheeshtered and then get overemotional and wind up fighting and calling your mom to pick you up because you still hate her guts and EVERYTHING IS STUPID. Odds are for makeout, but one can never trust the emotions of a shammerhead shark… know what I mean?

If you are home and bored and you know that you can deal with visions of her sugarplums without setting yourself up for an emotional disaster, have at it. If you know that you can’t kiss her mouth without another year of torment, DON’T DO IT. You know yourself, so just listen in and follow your gut. FOLLOW YOUR GUT BEFORE IT IS SHLOSCHTY THOUGH, BC A SCHMIBBITY GUT ONLY WANT TO MAKEOUT IT HAS NO REASONING OR LOGIC OR SENSE.

And to all y’all: Drink responsibly, don’t drive after drinking, don’t be an idiot, and don’t be an idiot. Cool?

#shammered #shmaskerd #smigtagged #scmickled #schneckitty #sheeshtered #shammerheadshark #schlochty #schmibbity

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Okay, so, if I were you I’d do one of three things. NUMBER ONE, I would make up a fake story about a fake gay friend. I would get real elaborate and tell this story about how you tried to tell him you’d love him regardless and you don’t care who people fall in love with because we’re all the same on the inside. Then say you saw a lion walk by and you both gasped and went completely silent. YOUR ROOMMATE will think the story is about the lion, but really you tricked her into knowing that you don’t care if she makes out with girls. 

NUMBER TWO, I would just be like ‘man i dont understand people who are against gay marriage, i have so many gay friends and i feel like their weddings would be more fun than straight people weddings anyway, you know?’ THIS WILL SPARK A CONVERSATION ABOUT GAY FRIENDS AND PEOPLE AND YOU BEING POSITIVE. 

NUMBER THREE, I would say to her ‘hey would you and TOAST wanna grab dinner with me and POTATOES? I figured it’d be less awkward if it’s like a double date situation’ because if she says ‘oh, but TOAST and I aren’t dating’ you can say ‘omg haha no no i meant like a friend date type thing, POTATOES and i have only hung out once and i just don’t know what to talk about, we’re also not dating’ AND YOU’RE IN THE CLEAR ooorr if she says ‘OH, yea, totally it sounds like a lot of fun’ then they’re totally dating and you can now bring it up freely…

Kristin Says:

I love that one of the major advice points up there is for you to pretend that you saw a LION walk by…

My main thought here is: If they kissed each other goodnight on the cheek, that is a pretty common for of goodbye for humans. If they kissed on the mouth and just for a tiny moment, that is a little less common but also is totally a possible goodbye. Maybe. Kind of. If they kissed on the mouth for an extended period of time and/or there was any mouth-opening of any sort or lingering of any kind…. THEY BE DOIN’ IT Y’ALL.

My response to that thought is: Just be vocal about your thoughts on gay humans, exactly like Dannielle said. Don’t say HEY IT’S TOTALLY COOL THAT YOU KISS YOUR GAY LOVER I AM FINE WITH THAT. Just be cool around your roommate and her maybe-girlfriend, bring up things in casual conversation, be friendly, etc. These things don’t have to be forced - there is no reason for her to tell you something immediately or for you to feel obligated to let her know YOU KNOW AND YOU COOL.

You know?

There may be bigger reasons that they choose to remain partially closeted, and that is totally their decision and totally not a reflection on your level of open-mindedness.

Alternately, next time it happens you could pick up your pillow and start kissing it furiously. When they ask what you are doing, just say, “OH I THOUGHT IT WAS KISS YOUR GF TIME AND I DON’T HAVE ONE.”

-Question submitted by phoenixphilanthropy2

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Dannielle Says: 

I would love to give you a list of things to do in order to NOT care, but it would be a list of total bullshit because we all care. We all care way too much. So, first step, let go of that whole ‘if only i could just NOT CARE’ thing bc even people who are really loud and obnoxious about how much they ‘dont care’ are only loud and obnoxious bc they care so much… 

Be okay with the fact that you care and embrace it, that’s literally what I did. I was awkward and uncomfortable for a really long time until one day I was like ‘eff it… I WANT TO BE COOL’ and i would literally say ‘I’M WEARING THIS SWEATER BECAUSE IT LOOKS COOL’ out loud and suddenly I didn’t really care if other people thought I was cool… as long as I thought I was cool and my friends thought I was awesome. AND YOU GUYS, THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. 

We all do dumb stuff, we all look like idiots most of the time, we all say stupid things, that’s literally what we all have in common with one another. Surround yourself with people who make you feel like you don’t care. If there is someone in your life who makes you feel less than awesome, get rid of ‘em. If there is someone in your life who makes you LOL all over the place and not care about how you look or sound or feel, hang out with them more. Make sure the people in your life are positive and make your insides flop around. Those are the people that matter.

“Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.” - Dr. Suess

Kristin Says:

It’s funny because just three minutes ago I was brushing my teeth and thinking about how we all need the help of others around us to feel good and positive about ourselves.

Specifically, I was thinking about Everyone Is Gay. My teeth-brushing-thoughts went as follows:

- “UGH I HAVE TO ANSWER MORE ADVICE TODAY AND IM SO TIRED.”
- “What if Dannielle and I get tired of answering advice FOR REAL, what will happen?!!”
- “It’s been two and a half years, though, and even though sometimes we are tired and feeling down, we still always find our way.”
- “If it weren’t for the people around us, who read us and encourage us, who let us know that we are helping them, we would never have been able to create this, and we would never be able to sustain it.”

You, readers, fuel us. You make this possible.

Every person on the planet needs encouragement. We will always be hurt, on some level, by people who cast negative thoughts our way. As a thirty-one year old person, I have just recently begun to realize that the whole, “You only need yourself, create your own happiness” line of thinking isn’t true. We need kindness. We need support. We need love. That is why it is so important to be kind to the people around us.

Last night an old man walked by my open car door as I sat down in the passenger seat, smiled at me, and closed the door for me as I tucked my feet in. He was literally just being kind for the sake of being kind. That one small act changed the shape of my entire night. The trick in caring less about the negative thoughts of others is focusing on the positive thoughts and the kindness that surrounds us. Look there, and hold your focus.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Picnics are super fun. AND IT’S COOL BECAUSE you can do them anywhere, drive to somewhere an hour away that’s pretty or cool or super weird and pop your trunk open, take a seat and enjoy the view. 

Drive-in movies. You guys, they don’t really exist anymore, but my friend in THE OC #dontworryaboutit just opened one up SEE and i’ve been obsessively thinking about them… it’s like… take a 2 - 3 hour road trip to the closest one, you get tons of hang out road time, cuddles in the car, an awesome movie date, and you’re doing something so fucking cute and, like you said, OUT OF THE BOX.

Take a CLASS. It sounds so lame, but nothing is cuter than learning to cook soufflé, or dancing to salsa music, or doing magic tricks… seriously you guys. Memories for life and you get to be stupid around each other for like 2 hours straight. 

Everyone is Gay Webcast Marathon. Drink (tea) every time Kristin thinks I’m hilarious.

L Word Marathon. Drink (lemonade) every time Shane makes a stupid decision.

Line the hallway with teddy bears. IT’S HILARIOUS. IT’S CUTE. IT WILL LEAD TO MAKE OUT SESSIONS. 

Kristin Says:

One of these days I am going to have Dannielle film a video of herself lining her hallway with teddy bears. I swear.

My ideas:

Scavenger Hunt. Each of you pick three to seven items, combine them into a list, and comb your city/state/whatever until you’ve taken a snapshot of you both with each item. THEN MAKE A COLLAGE OF YOUR SCAVENGER HUNT FINDS FOR EXTRA ROMANCE.

Museums. I’m sure some of you groaned and were like UGH MUSEUMS WHY SNORE SNORE SNORE, but museums are flipping awesome you guys. Usually they don’t cost very much, and there are so many things to learn and explore and UGH I LOVE MUSEUMS. There is even a museum of sex, so like… there’s just so much to do in this world, you know?

Video arcade. Listen… getting a barrel of quarters and spending the day racing video game cars and playing ski-ball and buying plastic toys with ribbons of tickets is pretty much my idea of the best date on the planet. So. BOOM.

Hiking. I just got back from my first ever camping trip and everyone was like, “Oh boy, Kristin camping WON’T THAT BE SILLY,” but TURNS OUT I AM A REALLY GOOD CAMPER EVERYONE. We found trails that were in the area and went on some amazing hikes and like, a) it was challenging, b) it was gorgeous, and c) if I was on a date I would have totally made out in the woods and it would have been awesome.

L Word Marathon. Every time Jenny does something annoying drink (iced tea).

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

omg… I totally had this exact situation happen to my very self when I was in my early twenties (you guys i’m still in my twenties but i wanted to sound wise)… 

I wasn’t very emotional savvy quite yet so I dealt with it in the worst possible way. I slowly but surely stopped hanging out with that person and things got super weird and then we stopped talking and things got even weirder. BUT LIKE WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?! SHE WAS HASHING MY MELLOW. (is that still a phrase people use?)

If I were me now when I was me back then I would have reacted differently. Me now, I would have said ‘hey, I know that we all deal with things differently but sometimes when you’re super negative it makes me feel super negative and then I focus on that and I just feel bad, and I know you’re not trying to make me feel bad, but maybe we can figure out a way to talk so that I don’t also get super down on myself too??’ Your human friend might feel a little defensive at first, but just explain it’s not about them, it’s about you. I mean, that’s what it is right? Your friend is upset CONSTANTLY and that in turn upsets you and ruins your whole mood and day and life AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, you have to be doing things that make you happy and if this friendship is going to stay strong, it has to be something positive! AMIRIGHT?!

Kristin Says:

Well, first of all I would feel the same way. It is one thing to be like, UGH THIS DAY IS KICKING MY BUTT AND I AM SO SCARED I WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL CAN WE EAT ICE CREAM TOGETHER AND WATCH LOL WITH MILEY CYRUS WHILE I CRY A BIT?! It is another thing to just whine all the time about every little thing. Being around that would make anyone roll their eyes and feel like poo.

I think the path forward comes in two parts:

1. Do like Dannielle says and sit down with WinstonWhiney. Explain that you love spending time together, and you know that things have been rough lately, but you would really like to focus on the positive as much as you can while you are together BECAUSE you think that would be good for BOTH of you. You can even say, “Here’s my idea for how to make our lives better: when we hang out, we both get a bitch-session that lasts for a total of ten minutes. We say ALL the things that have been dragging us down lately. THEN we talk about how we can make those things better and talk about some of the GOOD things that have been happening to us. THEN WE JUST HANG OUT AND HAVE A B-L-A-S-T. Cool?”

2. If WinstonWhiney is all WHATEVER YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY LIFE IT’S HORRIBLE I HATE EVERYTHING AND YOU ARE NOT GETTING ME UGH… then I suggest you simply see WinstonWhiney less. It is not your job as a BFF to have to listen to whineysongs all the day long, and you shouldn’t feel bad for needing some space and time away from that behavior. 

Also, you could simply start exclusively referring to your friend as WinstonWhiney until they catch the hint…