-Question submitted by Todd

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Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form. 

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you. 

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories. 

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think everyone has a complicated relationship with their body?? Right!? Everyone has too much or too little of too many things. Boobs, butts, thighs, nose cartilage, knuckle hair, etc. We all have things about ourselves we don’t like or only sometimes like. HERE IS WHAT I THINK.

I think you should be okay with the fact that you’re uncomfortable sometimes because the worst thing you can do is beat yourself up for having emotions. It makes everything so much more complicated when we try to force ourselves to feel something we’re not feeling. SO, recognize that you feel those things and then talk about why you feel those things. Is it because you feel unhealthy or because you don’t look like Ashely Benson #prettylittleliar ?! If it’s because you don’t look like [favey celeb] then have a conversation in your head about why you love that person. Chances are, you don’t love that person because of all the ways they are like you. You know? You love them because of all the things about them that are DIFFERENT. The same way you will love the differences about yourself. 

SECONDLYMOST. Start to congratulate yourself on things that are great about you. I used to do this (i’m not kidding), I would look in the mirror and say ‘you have great hair’ and ‘your eyes are so pretty!’ and when I started to take care of myself a little more, I’d be like ‘NICE SHOES DANNIELLE’ and ‘Dannielle, your skin is really clearing up, good job on not eatin chzzz!’ IT SOUNDS SILLY BUT IT WORKS. If you focus on the things you love about yourself, you’ll feel a lot more confident and the things that were making you feel self-conscious before, won’t take over! 

Kristin Says:

Yoga was my answer.

I know that sounds a little oversimplified and it might not be the answer for everyone, but doing yoga was what made me understand my body as a body and not as an image.

Before I explain my yoga-body-concept further let me also tell you that I have PLENTY of days where I wake up and try on all the clothes in my closet and everything looks shitty and my stomach curves push through my shirt and my future-face-jowls look too prominent and my short legs look even shorter than usual and I throw a fit and cry and hate myself. I think it is normal to have days where all of our emotions congregate around our body image and we feel awful. Those days should be balanced, though, with a much larger awareness of our actual self and an appreciation for our actual body and not our body as we perceive it in those moments of weakness. 

I found the balance that you are seeking when I began to understand my body as skin and bones that wrapped around myself in a way that was unique to me. Yoga allowed me to feel mentally balanced and helped me to appreciate my skin, my muscles, and myself. Feeling how my breath is connected to my brain is connected to my muscles and organs - it gave me a clearer and fuller picture of what it is to be a human. I know that when people love me, it isn’t because of the way my stomach looks on Tuesday… it is because of who I am, how I carry myself, and how I understand myself.

Find what brings you to your center and do more of that. Focus on the reasons you appreciate other people and apply that to yourself. Be patient on the days and in the moments that you lose your footing and become disgusted with your appearance, but allow yourself the room and the peace to find moments where you really, really like parts of yourself - or, on the best days, where you really, really like your whole self.

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

It took me a long time to figure out exactly what forgiveness meant. I always thought that forgiving someone meant what they did was okay, but that’s not true at all. Forgiveness is much more about feeling confident within your own self. So you’re saying “what you did no longer has complete control over the way I live my life” … if that makes sense?

Right now you’re probably in the headspace where you can’t stop thinking about what happened, you can’t stop obsessing over what was done to you, you can’t stop and see her for who she is because you only see her as the person who hurt you. These are all totally valid feelings. HOWEVER, you will get to the place where you are no longer obsessed with being wronged, and that is when you will have forgiven her. 

Forgiving her also does NOT mean you will continue to have a relationship with her. Trust is a huge part of any relationship and if you feel like trusting her isn’t something you can do right now, address that feeling and don’t try to force it. Do what you need to do to be happy and constantly feeling on edge because you can’t trust someone that you love, is not making you happy… consider ALL OF THOSE THINGS and make your own decision, don’t let her make the decision for you, ya know?

Kristin Says:

For me, forgiving has always been about understanding. I am a person who is constantly trying to see the good in other people, and when I am wronged by someone I work as hard as I can to reach a place where I understand why they have done the things they have done.

A few important things to note: You do not have to accept the actions of the other person in order to forgive them, and you can still view those actions as things that are upsetting or wrong.

Por ejemplo: About ten or so years ago, my mom got really, really sick. So sick that we were pretty sure she was going to die (note: she didn’t, thankfully, she is still alive and begging for grandchildren). I immediately went home to be with my family, and I asked my best friend at the time if he would please come up to be with me. He said no. He said it was too much for him to handle, and that he would be too overwhelmed with his own emotions. 

In my opinion, that was exceptionally hurtful. I have never, ever felt okay with the fact that he was unable to push past his own fear to be with me in what was my most terrifying and gut-wrenching life moment. Now, in the years that followed, we grew farther and farther apart, and we are no longer friends BUT I have also forgiven him. I worked very hard to accept the fact that he was unable to support me because of his own issues, that our relationship was not a healthy one, and that it didn’t make him a bad person… it was simply that his own life experience had left him in a very unstable place.

You will forgive her when you can get to a place where your hurt does not consume you. You will forgive her when you realize that your life is still happening, that it will still contain happiness and laughter and trust and love.  Allow yourself time, work to understand, and remember that sometimes forgiveness means letting go of the expectation that things can go back to “the way they were.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Honestly, we all have so many different emotions that mean so many different things, it’s difficult for me to know what to tell you. 

I know people who have had bunches of sexi with bunches of people and they are completely and totally emotionally stable. They are cool, calm, collected, successful, have the ability to recognize their emotions and deal with them in the appropriate manner. AND I know people who have only had sexi with one person their entire life and they are on the same emotional playing field as aforementioned person. NOW ALSO I know people who have lots of sexi with lots of people and are not at all mentally sound AAAANNND people who have only had sexi with select people and can’t handle it. 

The most important thing you can do is REMEMBER THAT WE ARE ALL DIFFERENT. You might be ready, your girlfriend might not be, talk about it. We all get carried away with our body feelings and hormones and that’s totally natural, but you can step back for a second, be smart about it, and don’t put yourself in a position that you might later regret. We all have our own moral compass, no one is right and no one is wrong and no one can tell you what to do. You know, deep down in your heart area what makes you comfortable and what you think is the right thing to do. So, follow your heart, unless of course you are a bird looking for some fruit loops, in which case, follow your nose.

Kristin Says:

For starters, I’m not sure that you can actually know if you are emotionally ready to have sexitime with your girlfriend, until you are having sexitime with your girlfriend. That said, I definitely don’t think that your mom could know if you were ready for that level of connection either…

What we do with our bodies and when we do those things with our bodies is our decision, and I think people of all different ages are ready for things at all different times. I also agree with Dannielle, in that sexitime does not automatically have to make your emotions go totally Fruit Loops.

I suggest that you think about what you want to do with your boo when you are sitting quietly by yourself. Think about what it means to you and why you want to do those things. If you know in those quiet moments that you want to explore sexitown with her, then that is what you should do. Safetly, slowly, and honestly. Check in with yourself, be honest with your mom about your decisions, and always make sure you are protecting yourselves and know how to protect yourselves.

You guys. Sexitime is important, sure, and it’s an awesome thing to connect with others on that level… but also, it doesn’t have to be the cornerstone of emotion/feeling/life/everything. It can just be fun.