-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

GURL* PLZ. I’m 27 and I feel lost most of the time. Not in the same ways, I don’t want to be dating boys. But HONESTLY, if my mom was like ‘are you sure you’ll never marry a man’ I would give her a blank stare bc my ass is not psychic (neither is my brain). 

So, as far as deciding who you are and when… Don’t worry about it. If slappin a label on it makes you feel better, by all means GO FOR IT. But like, no one is completely certain about anything so you’re doing great. As far as making the process easier the only thing I really suggest - realize it’s a process. You won’t figure anything out over night. EVER. We’re all constantly figuring ourselves out, which is AWESOME. We’re all growing and changing and experiencing life CONSTANTLY. 

If you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and uncertain remember that you are not alone. For every panic moment you have, there are 16 thousand people your exact same age having that exact same panic moment. You’re doing all the right things, you’re slowly trying to figure out who you are and you’re trying to understand your feelings. That’s all we can do. Life is cray you guys, our feelings make absolutely no sense until one day they make perfect sense and who knows when that’s supposed to happen.

*feel free to replace with appropriate pronoun, but spell it wrong to get the right effect.

Kristin Says:

You do not. Have to decide. Your sexuality.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE. You do not have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt who you will be for the next five decades of life. You do not have to stay in one tiny confined box that you create for yourself out of the labels you gather from the world around you.

Some of us take comfort in having a way to name ourselves - a way to belong to a group of other people “like us,” or being able to understand ourselves better through the experiences of others. That is amazing and wonderful, and for that reason “labels” are sometimes able to embody something very, very positive. That is not always the case, though, so we must always be careful.

If you are seeking to belong to a community, well, know that you already belong to mine - and to Dannielle’s - and to ours here at Everyone Is Gay. This is not a community of lesbians or gay people or trans people… ours is a community of people who are committed to being kind to each other, who are committed to allow difference and similarity to overlap in completely unexpected ways, and who accept all of those around us whether they are in the beginning, middle, or end of their journey to understand themselves.

No matter how sure any of us are - we are all on a journey. You don’t need to know anything except for the fact that you are working toward happiness. Kiss who you want to kiss. Cuddle who you want to cuddle. Tell the world you are THIS THING if THAT THING makes sense to you, and don’t be afraid if down the line you are A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THING. That is life. We’ve got you.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I always go the FUNNY route. You can’t go wrong with something hilarious. There’s a box of chocolates at rite-aid that literally has the cast of twilight on the front and a plastic necklace attached… it’s ridiculous and hilarious. 

OMG. I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA. YOU GUYS STROKE OF GENIUS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING. HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. 

The day before V-day give your n00b00 a card that says “Valentine’s day has been postponed to Feb. 15th, please do not eat any candy or do anything romantic until then,” y’all can hang out, but like DON’T DO VALENTINE’S DAY until the day after. On the 15th, when n00b00 comes over, tell her you have a surprise, but it’ll be a low key. She’ll probably be confused bc surprises are soconfusing. 

Take her to walgreens/rite aid/ cvs and say ‘alright, now we spend 30$ on discount candy, all of which we have to eat tonight’ get the GOOD STUFF and the cheap stuff, get so much candy bc everything will be on sale. Also buy a tiny small beanie filled bear for her and then go back to your apt. Watch movies and pig out on candy and have a blast. Get sick to your stomach with cheap chocolate, kiss on the mouth, and present her with the tiny bear as a KEEPSAKE and be so excited that you had the best valentine’s day ever AAAND tell her that Dannielle Owens-Reid planned the whole thing. 

**if she says, “who is Dannielle Owens-Reid” then break up with her on the spot**

Kristin Says:

You should make heart-shaped pancakes and watch Freaky Friday and then make-out and/or cuddle.

Or, you could write her a note that says, “come to my house at 7pm,” and give it to her with a red hershey’s kiss… then leave a trail of red hershey’s kisses leading from your front door to your living room where you have brought out all the blankets and pillows from your bed and you have coloring books and dvds and take out menus setup for a night of awesome.

Or, you could take her on a date to the local arcade and play video games all night and buy her a gift with your ticket winnings from skeeball.

Or, you could buy her a copy of your favorite book and write her a sweet note on the inside cover.

Personally, my vote goes with pancakes n make outs.
AKA PANMAKE-OUTS.

-Question submitted by Todd

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Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form. 

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you. 

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories. 

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

Hey gaybeans. 

In lieu of advice today, we thought it would be appropriate to share Kristin’s Coming Out story. Why, you ask? Well, mostly because she came out to her parents over Thanksgiving dinner - a moment that may be in your immediate future (knowingly or not). So, as many of you ready yourselves for a family holiday, here is how Kristin spent hers one million years ago.

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Kristin Says:

Mashed potatoes, over-cooked stuffing, and an antibiotic-infused, Butterball turkey: these are the markers of the American holiday known as Thanksgiving. Unless, of course, you were at my house on November 26, 1998. If that were the case, you would have also found a slightly tipsy, wine-drinking mom, a smiling, story-telling dad, a sullen, pre-pubescent little sister, and me at the age of eighteen, clad in Salvation Army sourced clothing, about to tell my parents that I was a big homo.

First, some background. Up until my senior year in high school, I identified as a straight girl with very close girl friends and a deep adoration for Liv Tyler. My very observant mother, however, had asked me countless times if I was a lesbian. My answer was always the same: “No, Mom, calm down and stop asking me!” Then, in the fall of 1997, I met a girl. We became friends. We hung out. We kissed. We liked kissing. We did some other stuff. This happened a few times, and then that thing happened. That oh-dear-god-my-stomach-is-squeezed-and-my-heart-is-in-my-throat thing. I liked this girl.

In addition to my oh-my-god-I’m-gay panic, I was horrified that my mother had been right all along. As most of you know, telling your parents that they are right about anything is almost impossible between the ages of eleven and twenty-four. I didn’t breathe a word of my gayness to anyone but my close friends for almost a year…which brings us back to the Thanksgiving Day surprise.

Once my sister had left the table to go doodle in her Lisa Frank notebook, I began to complain about an awful translation of the Bible that had been given to me by a relative. I said something like, “Mo-OM. They make it sound like God hates gay people, but that is a load of bullshit.” My mom looked up from her stuffing, her eyes troubled by my angry tone, and asked, for the hundredth time, “Kristin, is there something you want to tell us?” Then…it just happened. I dug my fingers into my palm, mustered up as much teenage-courage as I could, and answered, “Yes. I want to tell you both that I’m gay.”

Silence.

The first thing that my parents said to me, and the thing I will always remember, was that I was their daughter and they would always love me. For that I was, and still am, very thankful. After this initial reaction, however, my mother began what would be a very long journey in reconciling her love for her child with her deeply-instilled religious beliefs. The first few years were very hard. My mother and I fought a lot. She cried a lot and I yelled even more. Through all of it, though, we never stopped loving each other.

Over time, the yelling calmed into a dialogue. She allowed herself to meet some of my girlfriends. Our dialogue progressed, and she began to ask me questions. Slowly, my girlfriends were invited over for dinner, and my mother and I found common ground amidst differing beliefs.

The thing about ‘coming-out,’ is that it isn’t one moment at a Thanksgiving dinner table. It is a process that takes patience, understanding, and compassion. It is different for everyone. All we can do is share as much of ourselves as we feel comfortable with, and work diligently at accepting who we are, with or without the understanding of those around us.