“How the fuck can I “be who I am” when “who I am” can’t “be who I am” much less “love who I am” because “who I am” isn’t comfortable with how uncomfortable “who I am” is??????????? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HELP ME. THAT WAS THE SIMPLIFIED VERSION!!”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

uuhhhhhmmmm….. “uhm”

The first step in being comfortable with who you are is being totally okay with the fact that you have no idea who you are. 

We all get so caught up in figuring out who we are that we forget to actually live life and learn who we are…does that make sense? I have a feeling you’re like ‘i might be gay but being gay is gross’ …okay ONE, being gay isn’t gross, so there you go…you can move past that now…. TWO, at the end of the day, you’re going to end up falling in love with whoever you fall in love with REGARDLESS of whether or not you WANT to be falling in love with them… so like… you should just live life and pull up your bootstraps and stomp through the dense and dark forest of life because let me tell you something…

The more you try to avoid your feelings, THE MORE FEELINGS YOU FEEL. The more you’re like ‘i dont want to like them’ the harder you fall for them. The more you’re like ‘i should get a sensible job,’ the more you daydream about painting all day. The more you’re like ‘my friends are just mean to me for funzies, i won’t say anything,’ the more you wanna step on their shoelaces. 

Feel your feelings, don’t be afraid to feel. Don’t be afraid to go after what you really want. Don’t be afraid to say what you feel. Don’t be afraid to be you and it’ll be a lot easier to figure out who ‘you’ is… right?

Kristin Says:

AY to the fucking MEN.  (amen).

First of all, I UNDERSTAND.  Let me tell you, I have been in that place where my mind has been absolutely consumed with trying not to think about the one hundred million things that I cannot stop thinking about.  I have been in yoga, in church, in the park, at school, on the subway, at work, all the while thinking only about trying not to think about all the things I was thinking about…

Dannielle is the most right she has ever been…the more you fight those thoughts, the more it is going to be a battle, and the less it is going to be you growing up and figuring yourself out.  Now, either way you are going to wind up at a point where you love who you love and that will never change, but the way you can move through it a little more easily is by telling yourself at every turn that NO ONE knows who they are at every moment in their lives, that who you are today may not be who you are tomorrow, and that whoever you are is an incredible, brilliant thing.

Breathe. 

I’m serious.  Stop what you are doing right now and take a deep breath.  Feel that air in your lungs?  That is what makes you a living human being, and it is the same air that makes the rest of us living human beings.  You are a human being, and right now “being who you are,” means being someone who remembers to breathe, someone who allows themselves to be confused, someone who explores that confusion, and someone who trusts that what you feel in your heart is not wrong, bad, or ugly.

Filed under who am i being comfortable avoid feelings falling in love don't be afraid to feel ay to the fucking men breathe being human advice

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“When is a good time in a relationship to say ‘i love you’ ??”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

This is a toughie bc like i remember telling my boyfriend in high school that i loved him and i wanted to marry him over ICQ (it’s like AIM or GCHAT for all you TINY PEOPLE), even though we had only been dating for 1 week and we couldn’t speak to each other in real life and I’m pretty sure we only dated for a solid 2 weeks. …And he didn’t even like me until after i got my braces off anyway. ##truelove 

But at the same time I WAS FUCKING FEELING IT…I mean, I look back and I’m like ‘who WAS THAT GIRL’ you know? You guys, we literally couldn’t SPEAK when we were in real life we just sat next to each other and made out like once. and I was convinced we were in love…bc i wanted to be in love…bc everyone in movies was all in love and what not…plus i watched Dawson’s Creek and Charmed and IT SEEMED LIKE SAYING YOU LOVED SOMEONE WAS ALL THAT REALLY MATTERED. 

No one can really answer this question. I would just suggest you check in with yourself. There is always the potential that you feel crazy inside and you feel like you want to tell someone you love them, but you also know for a fact you don’t love them…and it’s hard and conflicting and maybe you’ll say it anyway and maybe you won’t. Love is complicated and weird and hard and confusing and no one can explain it to you…but it’s also awesome and wonderful and beautiful and fucking great and you’ll realize that deep down you don’t really WANT anyone to explain it to you. you know?

Kristin Says:

Two excellent times to say I love you to your boo are:

1)  In response to them saying “I love you,” contingent on the fact that you have been feeling like a crazy-person because you can’t stop thinking about them and you don’t even care that you are going to miss an episode of Covert Affairs BECAUSE YOU JUST WANT TO KISS THEM AND HEAR THEM TALK, or,

2) When about a month has passed where you have been saying things like, ‘I like you so much,’ or ‘I care about you,’ or, ‘Do you know how much you mean to me?’ but what you really mean is, ‘I love the goddamn shit out of you.’

I have had three long term relationships, and in all three of them I have been the one to say ‘I love you’ first.  In my first relationship, I told my girlfriend I loved her after a month, and I fucking meant it…but my emotions were literally out of control because I had never fallen in love before.  She didn’t tell me she loved me back until another two months had passed - and I didn’t care because I loved her so much.  You know? 

In both of my other relationships, I had more of a handle on how I was feeling and on navigating that and waiting to burst out with the ‘i-love-you’ announcement until about month four…

BUT YOU GUYS.

We are all different, and you have to do what your heart is telling you to do when your brain and your heart agree that you should do it.  Falling in love is one of the craziest adventures that you can go on with another person, and the words ‘I love you,’ will mean something different to you and your boo at month three, year one, year three, and year ten.

You might stumble over your words, you might wait for weeks and weeks, you might blurt it out accidentally in a totally inappropriate place, it might be awhile before the words are returned, it might be a while before you can return the words, but there is no guidebook here…you just have to trust your heart and learn with your experiences.

Filed under charmed covert affairs dawson's creek falling in love love relationships saying i love you advice

44 notes

Any advice for a straight writer trying to write from a gay character's perspective? I want them to feel "real" and not one-dimensional.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

I mean, honestly, just write the book like you would any other book with any other character regardless of who their boning. Seriously, THINK about it, how different would Harry Potter REALLY be if he wanted to bone Ron’s brother instead of Ron’s sister? Not at all, he could literally act the exact same way and no one would be like ‘HE’S NOT GAY ENOUGH’ you know??

Or like would it really be THAT unbelievable if Frodo was gay in Lord of the Rings? I mean, would you be AT ALL SURPRISED if in Rogue and Storm got together in X-Men?? Would it be beyond comprehension if Katniss had a thing for Johanna in The Hunger Games??? What if Jacob and Edward ended up in love #twilight??

You guys…everyone is gay… Not like everyone is homosexi, but like, we are  all just people who bone people… you know? Write your book the way you would write any other book, with any other lead character and name the love interest something totally gender-neutral like…Taylor or Jamie or Brooklyn or Apple… It’s literally the switch of a pronoun, you’re not changing a character by making him or her GAY, you’re changing who the character is boning…and that’s really all.

Kristin Says:

Ay to the men. #amen

Insofar as character creation is concerned, creating a ‘gay’ character should run pretty parallel to any other character that you create…they have their hang-ups, they have their habits, they have their things, and most of those things are specific to the person, not to their sexuality.  As a matter of fact, their sexuality can be, simply enough, just one of those ‘things,’ you know?  When you say a ‘gay’ character, you should realize that you could be talking about a fireman named Ted who lost his son when he was a baby, or an architect named Susan who was married to a man for 10 years, or a playboy bunny named Tina who really wishes that her estranged brother would reach out to her so they could reconnect.  The variety is endless, and if you set out to create a ‘gay’ character, you are likely going to limit those possibilities.

Sure, of course, a character who is attracted to members of the same sex might have some confusion or hesitation or experiences that differ directly because of their sexuality, and if you are writing about a character who is being bullied or who is an LGBT activist, you may have to dig a bit deeper and find parallels between your own experiences and those of the character, but I imagine this is the case for any character, no?

My advice would be to pay attention to the intricacies of experience.  If your character is being bullied, try to find a moment in your own life when you felt like people were against you because of a part of who you were didn’t line up with what they wanted…I have to imagine that almost all of us have experienced at least a taste of that in our lives.  Be specific, allow your characters to be weak or strong or combative or total assholes.   Not every queer character has to be a pioneer, not every gay man has to face a bully, not every lesbian has to fall in love with her best friend.

Actually, scratch that.  Every lesbian has to fall in love with her best friend.  

Other than that, keep an open mind to possibility, okay?

Filed under straight writer gay character writing perspective real harry pottter x-men the hunger games twilight homosexual falling in love best friend lesbians gay lgbtq advice

140 notes

do you think there is someone out there for everyone?

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

Yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m right.

I think answer varies from person to person and I think it’s up to you to decide. I believe there is a one-and-only, not just because I’m a hopeless romantic and 13 going on 30 is one of my favorite movies, BUT ALSO BECAUSE I’ve been through a series of relationships that I didn’t invest myself fully in bc I didn’t believe they were the ‘one.’ I know that’s totally wrong and shitty and I’m the worst, but it’s true. Until I met the person who I believed was the ‘one’ I was a halfway-flaky-piece-of-shit when it came to relationships.

I think people can fall in love multiple times. I think soul mates come in all forms (friendships, temporary, otherwise). I think when you know YOU KNOW. I think when you’re not sure, it’s because it’s not right. I think there’s a very defined very permanent ONE for me. I think there’s a ONE for every person. I think it’s totally possible for someone to fuck that up and never see that person again. I also think the ONE for you could have a different ONE for them. I think life is confusing, hard and awful at times. I think shit gets a lot better when you step back and realize everything isn’t life or death. I think everyone needs to stop taking everything so seriously. I think our careers are not as important as we believe. I think changing the world is easier than we believe. I think we’re all headed in the right direction. I think nothing you do matters nearly as much if you don’t have someone to share it with. I think the people who miss their children growing up will inevitably regret a huge chunk of their lives. I think we need to stop wasting time on dumb shit and just live a little. I think we will all die happy, unless we make an intense and valiant effort not to. I think it’s all okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

But those are all things I think, and I could be completely wrong.

Kristin Says:

I absolutely think that there is someone out there for everyone…but, no, I absolutely do not believe that there is only one person for everyone.  I believe there are dozens…hundreds…probably thousands of human beings who we could spend forever with, if the circumstances of our respective lives align.

I have had three incredible relationships in my life, and all three of those people are human beings that I loved with my entire heart.  I invested my entire self into those relationships, and, had I been in a different head space, or a bit older, or a million other things, any of those three people could have been the ones I spent my life with.  I am certain of that fact.

When you meet another person, you invariably change the course of your own history, and that person’s history.  Had you met your ex three years later, she may have been the person you chose to spend forever with.  The catch is that, just because you have grown doesn’t mean that you can spend that forever with her now.  Does that make sense?

So much of this world is made up of hope, faith and timing.

You might meet twenty people who influence and inspire and change you in twenty different ways, and at the end of the twenty people, you might return to that very first person and have an entirely new relationship with them that lasts forever.   Neither Dannielle or I can possibly tell you how that circuitous path will bend and change during your life, but we can certainly tell you that there is a limitless amount of incredible humans out there.

One thing that I know for certain is that, so long as you believe it to be true and keep an honest and open heart, you will encounter at least one person in your lifetime who you will want to spend forever with, and that, if it doesn’t work out, you will meet another.

Filed under someone for everyone love true love soul mates falling in love advice

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