-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I wish we were best friends so I could sit across from you at Chili’s and ask you a million questions. BECAUSE IT COULD BE SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS. 

Maybe you’re no longer attracted to the person you’re with, maybe you’ve grown out of sexi-time AS YOU KNOW IT, maybe you’re so busy and tired that your priorities have changed, maybe you’ve had sexies but it took too long so you feel like it’s a waste of time and you’re just over it for now. 

It could be a million things, but I THINK YOU SHOULD FIGURE IT OUT. Especially if you’re like ‘i’m not into sexitime, but i sure do MISS being into sexitime.’ It’s like, our tastebuds change every seven years…so, maybe our sexibuds change too? AAAND if you’re in a relationship, talk to your BALLnCHAIN about it. Maybe the two of you will come up with new things to try to make it fun again. Who knows. 

ON THE OTHER HAND. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re less-than or weird for not being into sexi times. We all have different wants and needs and if you’re just not into it, you’re not and that’s completely fine and normal and wonderful and you rule. 

Kristin Says:

I agree - I think this is really a question of if you are unhappy with sex not appealing to you at the moment or if you are just like “IS IT WEIRD THAT RIGHT NOW I’M NOT INTO BONIN’?”

I second Dannielle - if you want to know if it is okay that you aren’t into visiting sexytown, USA right now, hell yea it is! Some of us have a permanent passport to sexytown and would move there if they offered permanent residencies, others of us like to visit sometimes, and then some of us are like, ‘nah, not interested.’ Those are all acceptable approaches to sex unless you feel upset by those desires (or lack of desires).

If you want to be more into sex than you are, I say try the fake it til you make it approach. A lot of times, the thought of doin’ it can be overshadowed by outside stress, by underlying emotions, or just by things like “Ugh it will take so long and I have to cook dinner.” When you feel hesitation, try just DOIN IT instead. Sometimes the act of doin’ it gets your brain turned on more than the thought of doin’ it. #doinitdoinitdoinitwell

If you try that and you are still unhappy with the results, I would turn to your brain and ask it for some explanation. Nine times out of ten* we have something emotionally going on in our brains that blocks out other desires. Perhaps there are things making you unhappy in your relationship that need attention. Perhaps you are miserable at work and it is affecting other parts of your life. Dig in there and root out the negative. Usually while you are digging you find your passport to sexytown buried in the mess.

*not an actual statistic

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

GURL* PLZ. I’m 27 and I feel lost most of the time. Not in the same ways, I don’t want to be dating boys. But HONESTLY, if my mom was like ‘are you sure you’ll never marry a man’ I would give her a blank stare bc my ass is not psychic (neither is my brain). 

So, as far as deciding who you are and when… Don’t worry about it. If slappin a label on it makes you feel better, by all means GO FOR IT. But like, no one is completely certain about anything so you’re doing great. As far as making the process easier the only thing I really suggest - realize it’s a process. You won’t figure anything out over night. EVER. We’re all constantly figuring ourselves out, which is AWESOME. We’re all growing and changing and experiencing life CONSTANTLY. 

If you’re starting to feel overwhelmed and uncertain remember that you are not alone. For every panic moment you have, there are 16 thousand people your exact same age having that exact same panic moment. You’re doing all the right things, you’re slowly trying to figure out who you are and you’re trying to understand your feelings. That’s all we can do. Life is cray you guys, our feelings make absolutely no sense until one day they make perfect sense and who knows when that’s supposed to happen.

*feel free to replace with appropriate pronoun, but spell it wrong to get the right effect.

Kristin Says:

You do not. Have to decide. Your sexuality.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DECIDE. You do not have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt who you will be for the next five decades of life. You do not have to stay in one tiny confined box that you create for yourself out of the labels you gather from the world around you.

Some of us take comfort in having a way to name ourselves - a way to belong to a group of other people “like us,” or being able to understand ourselves better through the experiences of others. That is amazing and wonderful, and for that reason “labels” are sometimes able to embody something very, very positive. That is not always the case, though, so we must always be careful.

If you are seeking to belong to a community, well, know that you already belong to mine - and to Dannielle’s - and to ours here at Everyone Is Gay. This is not a community of lesbians or gay people or trans people… ours is a community of people who are committed to being kind to each other, who are committed to allow difference and similarity to overlap in completely unexpected ways, and who accept all of those around us whether they are in the beginning, middle, or end of their journey to understand themselves.

No matter how sure any of us are - we are all on a journey. You don’t need to know anything except for the fact that you are working toward happiness. Kiss who you want to kiss. Cuddle who you want to cuddle. Tell the world you are THIS THING if THAT THING makes sense to you, and don’t be afraid if down the line you are A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT THING. That is life. We’ve got you.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I always go the FUNNY route. You can’t go wrong with something hilarious. There’s a box of chocolates at rite-aid that literally has the cast of twilight on the front and a plastic necklace attached… it’s ridiculous and hilarious. 

OMG. I JUST HAD THE BEST IDEA. YOU GUYS STROKE OF GENIUS IN THE MIDDLE OF ANSWERING. HERE IS WHAT YOU SHOULD DO. 

The day before V-day give your n00b00 a card that says “Valentine’s day has been postponed to Feb. 15th, please do not eat any candy or do anything romantic until then,” y’all can hang out, but like DON’T DO VALENTINE’S DAY until the day after. On the 15th, when n00b00 comes over, tell her you have a surprise, but it’ll be a low key. She’ll probably be confused bc surprises are soconfusing. 

Take her to walgreens/rite aid/ cvs and say ‘alright, now we spend 30$ on discount candy, all of which we have to eat tonight’ get the GOOD STUFF and the cheap stuff, get so much candy bc everything will be on sale. Also buy a tiny small beanie filled bear for her and then go back to your apt. Watch movies and pig out on candy and have a blast. Get sick to your stomach with cheap chocolate, kiss on the mouth, and present her with the tiny bear as a KEEPSAKE and be so excited that you had the best valentine’s day ever AAAND tell her that Dannielle Owens-Reid planned the whole thing. 

**if she says, “who is Dannielle Owens-Reid” then break up with her on the spot**

Kristin Says:

You should make heart-shaped pancakes and watch Freaky Friday and then make-out and/or cuddle.

Or, you could write her a note that says, “come to my house at 7pm,” and give it to her with a red hershey’s kiss… then leave a trail of red hershey’s kisses leading from your front door to your living room where you have brought out all the blankets and pillows from your bed and you have coloring books and dvds and take out menus setup for a night of awesome.

Or, you could take her on a date to the local arcade and play video games all night and buy her a gift with your ticket winnings from skeeball.

Or, you could buy her a copy of your favorite book and write her a sweet note on the inside cover.

Personally, my vote goes with pancakes n make outs.
AKA PANMAKE-OUTS.

-Question submitted by Todd

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Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form. 

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you. 

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories. 

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life