Dannielle Says: 

I say in any family situation with any family member regardless of ages or genders or who’s around… lay off the PDA. 

I understand wanting to make your LUUUVER feel comfy, but a small hug will do the trick and hugs aren’t super gay. AMIRITE?

I also think it’s a good idea to ask your family grown ups what they prefer. Giving them a quick call to say ‘hey I’m bringing CHASTITY to thanksgiving and I was wondering if it was okay for me to introduce her to the kids as my girlfriend or if you’d prefer something else?’ Not only will they REALLY appreciate that you asked, it’ll give them the opportunity to talk to you about it. Some might be uncomfortable, some might not care at all and some might say ‘I’M SO GLAD YOU CALLED, HOW SHOULD I EXPLAIN THIS TO MY 5 YEAR OLD?!?!’ Then you get to tell them that it’s actually easier to explain to kids the younger they are because they understand it immediately. If you say ‘CHASTITY AND HOPE love each other’ they say ‘ok cool’ and then they throw a block at someone. 

It’ll be totally cool, be open with your questions and respect whatever it is that your family grown ups ask of you. YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT HOLIDAY. 

Kristin Says:

I actually disagree with some of the stuff that Dannielle said up there, which NEVER HAPPENS, so this is mildly exciting. I understand the general context of being respectful of other people, etcetera, however, I think that you need to be comfortable around your family, and I know that we ALL know that the kiddies aren’t going to be confused if things are done in an open and honest manner.

Here’s what I say:

1. Act like yourself, and don’t hide the fact that you care about your girlfriend. Hold her hand if you feel so inspired, put your head on her shoulder when you guys are watching a movie, and tell the story about how you guys were at dinner for your anniversary when Brad Pitt walked in and then you both squealed silently and then couldn’t stop laughing. Act. Like. Yourself.

2. Be open to conversation with your grown-up family members. I don’t think you have to necessarily call them beforehand (though you can if this is what makes you feel best!), but when you get a moment aside with the parents of the babies, let them know that you are totally open to their input. You can say, “Hey, I am completely comfortable answering any questions that MICHELLETANNER and RAVENSYMONE have (#babies) about me and my girlfriend, but I wanted to know if you had any questions or if you preferred to answer those questions yourselves.” 

The key here is your own comfort level. If your eyes bug out and you break into a cold sweat every time you hold your girlfriend’s hand around your family… then everyone else is also going to feel uncomfortable. If that is where you are at, then for now just DON’T hold hands! When I first started bringing ladies home, I never went anywhere near them in front of my family - because I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t comfortable. Now, however, if I have a lady home, I hold her hand and snuggle with her and feel totally at ease. You have to do what YOU are comfortable with, because your own level of comfortability with your relationship is what is conveyed to those around you. 

GOBBLE GOBBLE.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

It doesn’t sound to me like this person could possible qualify as your ‘best friend’ … unless, of course, ‘best friend’ TO YOU actually means ‘WORST FRIEND.’

I read a lot of books about success, focus, getting what you want, staying positive, etc etc. All of them, without fail, will have a chapter on how the people in your life can affect you. Think about the people in your life who don’t treat you well, make you feel bad about yourself, make you feel stupid, give you no respect, lower your self-esteem… Seeing them ONCE can ruin your entire day, talking to them ONCE can put a black cloud over your entire week, interacting with them ONCE can you leave your mind numb for an entire month. Is that really worth it? 

Cut this person out of your life. You absolutely SHOULD NOT be surrounded with people that don’t treat you with the respect, love, and support you deserve. You might think ‘oh man, cutting this person out of my life is going to be hard’ but you guys SPOILER ALERT: life is hard.

Do what you have to do to be happy. Get rid of ANYTHING and EVERYTHING in your life that makes you the opposite of happy and be confident that you should have so much more because you absolutely, without a doubt, deserve the entire world.

Kristin Says: 

When I finished reading your question my very first thought was, “That is NOT a best friend.” Turns out that was also Dannielle’s first sentence… which means you have a unanimous decision from Everyone Is Gay: this person is not treating you with the respect that we should have for a stranger, let alone for our closest friends.

I think you should write her a letter. The letter should explain, one more time, how you felt in relation to your gender over the past however-many-years. It should explain that you - just like any other person - need the support and understanding of those around you. It should explain that you always are willing and ready to talk to her about questions or things that might confuse her. It should explain that you can no longer surround yourself with people who do not have the respect to value you as the person you are. It should be signed not with your assigned name, but withyour name.

Perhaps the finality of the whole thing will wake her up. Perhaps it won’t. I agree 100% with Dannielle, though, if she continues to disrespect you and continues to hurt you - you have to cut her out of your life. Trust me when I tell you that no best friend would ever, ever make you feel this way.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Don’t have sex with him.

Kristin Says:

Agree. No Condom = No Sex, you guys.

Here are some ways in which to not have sex with him:

-Say, “well, hopefully you have a really good imagination so that you can pretend we are having a really great sex when you are home alone in your bed tonight… “

-Loudly pronounce, “NO I AM NOT READY TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN” the next time you are in public together. This will work regardless of your gender.

-Explain that you have some important thoughts regarding his recent decision to not care about his own body or yours, and then play “Your Body Is A Wonderland” on maximum volume.

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I have a few things to say about this topic. I think we gaywads need to stop saying things like ‘heteronormative’ …bc like 1. you sound like an asshole. and 2. you’re literally reinforcing this thing you say you can’t stand. If you don’t think that it should be ‘the norm’ take a few steps forward by NOT SAYING IT IS. whew. 

Second of all, hate stems from fear. From the little things to the giant things, hate always stems from fear. You hate your ex bc she hurt you and you’re afraid it will happen again. You hate racism because we are all people and you’re afraid if everyone doesn’t understand that, then your friends will lose their rights or maybe even get hurt. SOME PEOPLE hate gays because they don’t get it and like “why would someone choose to sin,” they’re afraid it’s contagious and if it’s not stopped, everyone will be gay and no one will go to heaven. Hatin’ is Fearin’ and it might not make sense or be the right way of thinking, but there’s your answer. 

THIRD OF ALL, society does not ‘unilaterally despise same-sex’ ANYTHING. That is an incredibly ignorant statement. Now, I’m sure that you’re just in a tizzy because something happened and you’re feeling real bummed about how hateful some people can be, but dude, you have GOT to give credit where credit is due. Our society has made major strides in the past few decades and we should continue to use our efforts to move that change train forward. If we send around self-loathing and talk about how everyone hates us, that is literally all you will ever feel. You guys, there is so much strength in your words, use those words to inspire and create something amazing. Vote. Vote. Vote. Talk about the shit that bothers you and tell the people who are doing amazing things, that they are doing amazing things. No need to talk about haters bc haters gonna hate and they can talk amongst themselves. The more people making positive change, the more likely we are to change the world positively… get it?

Kristin Says:

You know, us humans are some pretty complicated and messed up creatures - I can tell you that for damn sure. There are two big reasons that I can think of in terms of why homophobia exists. One is the fact that, as humans, many of us seem convinced that we must apply a value system that was created centuries ago to a world that is now entirely different. Marriage in its original conception was created for the exchange of commerce in livestock and women. You literally traded your daughters for more property and extra cows… 

Now, I’m not sure of the exact evolution of marriage as it relates to love and such, but I do know that ‘love = marriage’ most certainly is a newer concept. We could talk about patriarchy and shit for like a half a year right about now, but let’s SKIP THAT and just get to the part where NOW, here we are telling people what the bible says about marriage when the bible wasn’t even talking about the same thing you guys.

The second thing, I think, has to do with gender norms and the way our society communicates those (both overtly and subtly) through every and any media outlet available. For a lot of people, the fact that they have been taught what is ‘correct’ and ‘normal’ since birth means that anything that doesn’t align with those norms must be WRONG BAD OH MY GOD TOTALLY THREATENING AHHHHHH… You know? So, there’s the fear part Dannielle was talking about.

The bottom line is that we always have to be conscious of what we are fighting for and how we are fighting for it. The argument for gay marriage is great when it is humans asking for equal rights, but it gets tricky when we start to say, “Hey we  are just like you, so can we also have rights now?” We should all have equal rights regardless of who or what we are like - regardless of whether or not we orbit around monogamy or family values.

The important thing is to remember that this isn’t just about HOMOphobia, y’all. This is about all of us as humans telling other people that they are wrong and we are right. Many of us - even the big gaywads - do this to other individuals and groups constantly. Be aware.

PS: A bunch of what I said up there, in my opinion, is what the word “heteronormative” means, so… if you are using that in the academic world to communicate four pages of thought in one word, you have my blessing. If, however, you are telling your mom to stop being so heteronormative, you might want to reconsider the context. Unless she is a gender studies professor. You know?

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

ON BEHALF OF ALL GIRLS WHO GET MISTAKEN FOR BOYS I WOULD LIKE TO RELEASE YOU FROM YOUR GUILT.

There you go. We cool?

It happens. It happens a lot. It happens TO ME a lot. I hate it, it makes me so uncomfortable, but I NEVER EVER EVER am pissed off at the person that does it. Usually it’s like “Sir?” and I approach the counter and then the person realizes I am a pretty lady and tries to over compensate by saying something like “OK WILL THAT BE ALL MAAM, HAVE A GOOD DAY MAAM, MISS YOU MAAM’ and I’m like ‘did that guy just say he missed me?”

You know what I mean? We all make mistakes and you are the best for feeling bad because of the mistake you made, but now, I would like you to feel okay. Feel okay because you know that you did not say the wrong thing on purpose, you did not say it to be mean, and you are a good person. I FORGIVE YOU ON HER BEHALF.

Kristin Says:

Every time I am mistaken for a boy, I get SO FURIOUS.

Just kidding, y’all… I don’t get mistaken for a boy. However, I do like the words that Dannielle has spouted up there, because I think it should make all of us stop and think about who we get pissed off at, and why we are pissin’ off at them. You, anonymous, made an honest mistake based off of the appearance of a human being, in conjunction with what the world has taught you to expect from human beings as it relates to gender. With this all in mind, I will say the following:

1. Yes, that is an embarrassing moment. It was also a mistake, and one that, at that particular moment, you could not have helped. Your brain was in autopilot, you spoke before thinking, and it wound up making you feel totally silly. Guess what the brilliant part is, though? You recognized the moment for what it was, and I am certain that you will have a moment of pause in the future before you call out “sir” or “ma’am.” That means that, albeit embarrassing, this was a really important moment for you.

2. To those of you reading this post who get mistaken for the wrong gender (or, alternately, the wrong sexuality): Let’s all take a deep breath and remember that, in a lot of cases, the person who has accidentally called you “sir,” or the person who has asked you if you are dating any boys has done so in error, and not simply because they are “stupid” and “ignorant.” We are all human beings and we are all constantly learning. I do not think it is anyone’s obligation to “come out” in order to educate others, but I do think that it is our responsibility to help educate others to the complexities of gender and sexuality in a way that is not condescending and that does not make them feel guilty, dumb or wrong.

I am not sure if that all helps you, anon, but at the very least know that we all fuck up sometimes, we all do things that make us feel reaaaaaallly ridiculous, and the best thing that comes from that experience is when we learn from it and move forward.

Also if it ever happens again, you could just say, “Excuse me, sir LANCELOT,” and then quickly turn to the person behind you and say, “AAAAND YOU SIR ARTHUR, WHAT A LOVELY TIME WE ARE ALL HAVING HERE IN CAMELOT.” Then everyone will just wonder why you think you are in Camelot and gender will go right out the window.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Not at all. 

There are soooo many people sitting at their computers right now wishing they could feel the way you feel. Or at least, understand their feelings and that it’s okay to feel that way. Lots of us sit in our own skin for years and years and can’t figure out exactly what makes us comfortable, but YOU, YOU LUCKY BASTARD, you have figured out what makes you comfortable and you’re owning it. 

There might be some people who tell you that you’re doing something “wrong” because they think you should “chose”…those people are not being fair and they are not right. I want you to know that in your heart of hearts, bc people telling you that you’re wrong over and over can really bring you down and you don’t deserve to be down-broughton…

I’m making up words here, but the point is, you are who you are and who you are is awesome and keep on being you. #boom You absolutely are not alone and you absolutely are not weird.

Kristin Says:

Wouldn’t it be hilarious if I started this post, “Girrrrrrrrrrrl, you are so not wrong.” Hilarious and probably insulting, but like… the thought of it made me laugh. WHATEVER. EVERYONE GET OVER IT.

„|„

Aaaaanyway. Fuck to the no, that is absolutely not weird, Andogynonymous. The thing with gender is that, regardless of how you look at it, it’s troubled as fuck (see: Judith Butler’s “Fucking Gender Trouble” #gradstudentjoke). The things that inspire us to identify as “girl” or “boy” or in between are primarily socialized - and the fact that you’re like, “I don’t want to fit it here or there, I want to me ME, and this is who I am,” is wonderful.

It is near-to-impossible to escape gender completely, but it is completely possible to challenge gender in your everyday life - or to just be who the hell you are and see where that lands you. Some people consciously reject gender and make decisions specifically because they view the system as totally troubled and they are like, “Take THAT troubled system, I don’t have to answer to you.” Others, like yourself, are most comfortable identifying in a space between or outside of gender - it is what they feel on their insides and what makes the most sense to them. Some, like myself, see the trouble with gender and meditate on it, but love to wear heels and get their nails painted and are like, “Well, whether socialized or not, I damn well like the way this feels and looks, and that doesn’t mean I can’t think about what it means while expressing myself the way I like most.”

Bind your top, answer to he and she, and smile when people look at you twice because they just “can’t tell.” The bottom line, as Dannielle already said is that you know who you are and you know what makes you feel comfortable in your skin, and that is fucking awesome.

Rock out with your cock out.

JUST KIDDING AGAIN YOU GUYS. #badgenderjokes