-Question submitted by Michayla

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Dannielle Says: 

Brace yourself. The only way to fix this is to be a little bit awkward. 

When I was 16 my mom VERY SERIOUSLY was like “dainyel, arr ewe havin sexxx” (she has a very thick southern accent) and I was like ‘NOOO’ with a panicked look in my eye. Panicked because I was lying? No. Panicked because my mom was trying to talk to me about sex? Yes. I had no interest in talking to my mom about the fact that I wasn’t swapping boners with people. The whole idea of talking about sexistuff with my mom just made my insides curl up and vomit themselves out.

HOWEVER, If I were me RIGHT NOW or if I were you (you seem comfy talking about this stuff) I would say “NO” with a panicked look in my eye AND THEN LATER be like ‘listen, seriously, i’m not having sex and I know I’m suuuuuper hot and totally should be or whatever, but I’m not and the reason i’m not is because i DON’T WANT TO.’

Chances are this will open up a conversation where your parent(s) actually believe what you’re saying because it isn’t just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, it’s a dialogue. If you explain to your parents why you aren’t interested in sex right now, they’ll feel more comfortable with the idea that you’ll be honest when you ARE interested…. aaaaaand saying things like ‘i know how to be safe and this is where i could tested’ will make them feel a lot better too, prolly. 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing. You say, “No, I am not having sex,” and your parents hear, “I AM HAVING SEX AND I JUST DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU.” This is the way that parents’ ears work. I don’t even think they can help it.

What I would do is very similar to what Dannielle suggested. I would sit them down to talk about talking about sex. Since you have brought up sex and they have gone totally haywire on you, you can now sit them down and knock their socks off by explaining yourself, your position, and your needs from them as parents. Kids can school parents, you guys. Your parents have never been your parents before, so they need a little help sometimes.

Say, “Listen, parents. I love you and I trust you, and I want to be able to come to you with questions and concerns. However, when I talk about sex you immediately think I am hiding something from you, and that makes me feel like I can’t approach you. I want to figure out a way where you can trust me and know that my questions don’t signal anything apart from me growing up and wanting to get information from the people I trust most.”

Their eyes will probably be real big and they won’t know what to say bc HOLY SH*T they raised a goddamn genius. Then you can say, “Plus when I DO decide to have sex, I am probably not going to be able to call you in the moment with my questions and concerns because that would be totally weird…”

Then hopefully you will all laugh, and they will be able to approach things better in the future. Just be patient with them and remember that you can teach them how to be even better parents by being honest and patient and diligent in your efforts. Huzzah!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Maybe. and maybe not. 

The cool thing is, either one of those is TOTALLY OKAY. We’ve all been through some pretty tough times and it’s hard to know what exactly is the right thing to do. Especially when you feel totally broken and worn down and like everything is wrong. What’s great about this stupid life we live is that there will be things we can not do and those things do not define who we are as humans. 

It isn’t always about being able to handle something, or doing something right, or being perfect. There will be shit we just can’t deal with and that’s totally okay, all you have to do is get through it. That’s it. Just keep pushing, keep trying, keep hoping, hold on, breathe, cry, punch pillows, scream, fight, and let it go. 

We are just people, you know, we aren’t built with the strength for every situation. We just aren’t. I know it sucks, we all want to be able to live though everything and not get a single tiny scratch on us, but that just is not realistic. 

Don’t be afraid to fail and don’t be afraid to get hurt. After all is said and done, these things will make you stronger. These things will make you a better you. It will be the absolute worst and it will be so difficult, but it will be worth it. 

Kristin Says:

I think you can, in a very similar way to how Dannielle knows that we don’t necessarily have to do “this” to “do this.” 

What I mean is that, when you are feeling like the world is closing in and you may not be able to keep on, or you may not be able to create the things you wanted, or you may not be able to do this… you have to remind yourself that you can.

In those moments of overwhelmed panic when you are trying to deal with six classes, three clubs, seeing friends, coming out to your mom, and falling in love for the first time, take a step back. Breathe. Remind yourself that you can do this. That might mean that you decided one of those classes needs to wait until next semester, that you take a leave in one of the three clubs, and that you have a heart to heart with your mom while making a collage-present for your new boo. It might mean crying, it might mean laughing, it might mean a million things. You will adjust, you will reassess, and you will keep moving forward.

The end goal doesn’t always have to look exactly as you imagined it, but if you don’t keep pushing forward you will never get to see the beauty that comes from the goal as it is realized.

So, yes. You can do this.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

omg. this is the worst. One time I dated a bad kisser and I didn’t say anything and we just broke up and i was like ‘THANK GOD’ in my head bc it was gross. So… don’t stand around and not do anything bc then you’ll be like me and i’m a dummy. 

If I were you and I had the wherewithal to ask what to do SLASH take some sort of action, I would say ‘can we slow down a little bit’ and when she was like ‘what’ I’d be like ‘i just mean, we’re going for this full force, and i’d prefer a slower more passionate kiss, it would feel more lovey dovey i think.’

That way, you are 100% blaming it on yourself and the things you like, as opposed to say ‘you suck try again’ … right?  You’ll get all the credit when your make outs are better and you won’t make her feel like an idiot. 

Kristin Says:

Thinking about Dannielle saying, “I’d prefer a slower more passionate kiss,” made me laugh for like twelve minutes.

That said, I think this is a situation that is easily remedied. I know that we are all much more vulnerable during makeout time, but I don’t think this means we have to walk on eggshells when we talk about what we like and what we don’t like. Just bc your boo whacks her tongue around doesn’t mean that SHE is the one that is a bad kisser - it just means your kissing styles ain’t aligned. She might have come out of a relationship where her ex-boo was like, “NOTHING TURNS ME ON MORE THAT OUR TEETH CRASHING TOGETHER” … or something.

MY POINT IS: All you have to do is say, ‘Hey I love kissing you but I’ve never been too tongue mashing. I know people like that and do that, but it just ain’t me. I hope you don’t think that’s weird! Can we have a kissing session where we practice and figure out what the other person likes?” 

Sexi time isn’t always stars and rainbows - sometimes it takes a hot second to learn the other person. So, don’t be scared to talk! Talking about sexi means better sexi and better sexi is great. #lifelessons

Dannielle Says: 

Blame it on whatever friend you like least. OR

Say “Can you send me the entire L word series, it’s in my room LOLOLOL” and when they say “okay got it” just go “omg. really? i was making a joke…” OR

Say “Yea, i don’t really know, my lesbian friend said she left some lesbian tv show in my room, do you see it” OR

Say “I’m not gay or anything, but can you send my L word dvds back?” OR

Tell one of your friends to go to your house and sneak them out… No one is better at sneaking into your house but you, tell friend the tricks and get it DONE.

Calm down and wait to get them until you’re home next? 

Kristin Says:

Omg. You literally need those DVDs so bad that you are willing to risk outing yourself to your family for them. Bahahahahahaha.

Here’s what I would do:

You:  ”Yo parents. Can you send me the DVDs called ‘The L Word’ please?”

Your Parents: “There are so many ladies on these DVDs, what is ‘The L Word’?”

You: “The L Word is sometimes laughing, sometimes losing, sometimes loving… but also it could be talking, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming… even though those words don’t technically BEGIN with the letter L. It’s a REALLY complicated show.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You just have to say it. I’m sure there’s a piece of you that is riddled with guilt. You feel like he has a right to talk like this, tell people, ask questions and hurt you bc it was your fault. Right? NOT. TRUE. You should still be treated with respect and your boyf should still consider your feelings enough to let this be a private matter. 

You went through a tough time, mad some bad decisions, and overcame your struggles with hard work and believing in yourself. AND I know it’s still an ongoing struggle. You’re dealing with a lot. You need support. 

Write a him something explaining how uncomfortable you are when he brings it up in public, and how you want to talk with him about it. When he says ‘ok lets talk,’ look him in the eye and tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him that you really feel like you’re doing so well, but those feelings disappear when he brings it up and doubts you. Tell him that the best possible thing he can do is support you. No matter what we’re going through, we NEED support, we NEED people who believe in us, and we NEED to feel get about ourselves. Ask him to help you with those things. 

Chances are, he’s worried and nervous and not trying to make you feel bad. Try to explain to him that you understand his concerns and you appreciate his worry, but you need him to change the way he expresses those feelings. Hopefully, he’ll get it, he loves you, right? He wants the best and he wants you to stay healthy and happy! You could also have him read this post….

Kristin Says:

I agree one million percent. You phrased your question in a way that let’s us know you are absolutely willing to talk about his feelings and experiences, but that you are frustrated and uncomfortable with the way in which he is approaching things now. When you speak with him - just like Dannielle said - make sure you emphasize the fact that you absolutely want to work with him to find a way to dialogue about his concerns, but you just want it to be in a way that also sits well with you.

I can’t completely understand your experience with him, but the thing I understand the least is why he is talking about this in front of people or with all of his friends. I think that he should absolutely be able to voice his fears with his close friends - that is a crucial part of him understanding his own feelings and being able to support you even further - but speaking about your personal life in front of others seems disrespectful. That said, there is a good chance that he has no idea it is making you uncomfortable to begin with!

Explain the exact scenarios that make you uneasy, ask him what he feels he needs to be the best partner to you, and explore those things together. The more you listen to him, the more he will listen to you. Just like anything else in a relationship, you both need to be open to the other’s concerns and thoughts and feelings, and work together to find common ground. 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Is this question about Tegan and Sara? 

Listen, you should call her bc this is hilarious. And if you call her and say ‘here’s the thing, your sister gave me your number bc I think you’re the only gay person she knows…’ she will laugh hysterically. ALSO THIS IS SUCH A BRILLIANT ‘HOW WE MET’ STORY. Ugh, you’re so lucky. 

Honestly, if I were you, I’d text her and say ‘you sister gave me your number bc she thought we should get coffee or something and talk about being gay together… is that weird’ BECAUSE EVEN IF she’s like ‘uh.. that is kind of weird’ you can be like ‘i thought so too, but YOLO, you know?’ and if she’s like ‘LOL SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT’ you can be like ‘LOL YOLO’ … you know? 

Kristin Says:

I feel like I have watched one too many Lifetime movies, because after I laughed hysterically at this situation I froze in my tracks and was like, OMG WHAT IF SHE IS JUST TELLING YOU SHE HAS A TWIN BECAUSE SHE LIVES A DOUBLE LIFE AND SOMETIMES SHE IS GAY TWIN AND OTHERTIMES SHE IS STRAIGHT TWIN.

That probably isn’t the case, but if it is I can’t wait for the made-for-TV movie.

Also yes yes yes yes you have to call her. Just say, “hi, my name YOURNAME and I met your sister the other day and thought she was really cute and NORMALLY that would be awkward but turns out she looks exactly like you (via BIOLOGY) and she thought I should give you a call because you are a big gaywad like myself. So. Hi. Want to get a coffee and laugh about this whole thing together?”

Do it. Tell us what happens. I need to know.