Dannielle Says:

You know, I think it’s funny how when we grow up we’re like ‘ugh, I can’t do things like I did in high school SLASH college bc now I’m a grown up so everything is different’ WHEN REALLY, shit is kind of the same.

It’s like, you know that one guy/lady in the office who tells everyone’s business to everyone else? Of course you do, everyone knows that person. You know, the one friend you have, SANTEE, that you’re like ‘hey, yea i’m just feeling down bc TRIXIE and I broke up’ and that friend is like ‘omg lets get some pizza’ and you’re like ‘okay see you soon’ then you hang up the phone and dust your hands off bc you know that SANTEE will tell everyone that you and TRIXIE broke up and you now don’t have to go around to all your friends and tell them individually.

It’s the same as high school, you guys, there are certain bitches in our lives who just tell your business and believe-you-me that is NOT always a bad thing. These people are really good vehicles for getting shit out there when you don’t feel like sitting down and having srs convos with everyone you know. Just go up to the SANTEE of your office and be like ‘can i ask you a question’ and when she’s like ‘yea?’ and you’re like ‘i know we don’t know each other that well, which is why i’m asking, bc you seem totally cool and i wanted to know if you think it would effect anyone’s perception of me if they knew I was gay, like, do you think I should hide it or something?’ and she’ll be like ‘oh no, not at all, no one cares’ and you’ll be like ‘thanks, SANTEE, i knew you’d be the best person to ask’ and before you get halfway out of the breakroom #watercooler she’ll have already IMed half the office from her smartphone.

BOOM.

DONE.

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing, Anon.  I support any means that you choose to declare your gaywad-ness, but in my experience the best way to tell people is to just have open and honest conversation.  It is a slightly gradual thing that will take a few weeks(ish), and then it isn’t this weird situation where people feel like you sat them down to pour your heart out, you know?

Por ejemplo #spanishtuesday, John DonkeyButt will be like, ‘My girlfriend thinks Brad Pitt is so hot, I just don’t get it.  Are you into him?’ And you will be like, ‘Nope, I’m with you.  Angelina all the way.’  Then he’ll laugh and pause and look at you and be like, ‘Wait, really?’ and you’ll be like, “Haha, yeah dude, it’s not a big deal, UNLESS YOU MAKE IT ONE’ and then look at him real angry and then when he looks worried burst out laughing and punch him in the arm.

The next day, when Susie BlueBoobs is like, ‘So, do you have a boyfriend??’ just answer honestly: ‘No, I actually date women, but they are just as big of a pain in the ass as anyone else so I am currently single and waiting for someone who isn’t a big idiot to come my way.’  Then she’ll laugh and be like, ‘Oh man, so you mean even if I give up men forever I’m still screwed?’ and you’ll get real serious and be like ‘DO YOU THINK THIS IS A CHOICE’ and she will get nervous and then you’ll burst out laughing and punch her in the arm.

What I mean to say is, little by little it will become just another part of who you are at the office, and then you’ll look back and remember when you asked Everyone Is Gay for advice and it will all seem so silly because now everyone knows and no one cares except for Susie BlueBoobs who now has a total crush on you, and then you’ll write us again for advice on dating co-workers.  

Know what I mean?

Dannielle Says:

ooooookaaaayyyy mom and dad.

Anyway, one thing I’ve realized about parents who don’t understand the gay is that they LOVE to make you prove it. Which is ridiculous. They also LOVE to make sure you don’t ever want to get married or have kids (bc that is totally impossible if you’re boning a member of the same sex). They also think it means that you want to be a member of the opposite sex (bc you can only love girls if you are a boy and you can only love boys if you are a girl). They think you’re brainwashed, or trying to rebel. They think you stopped loving Jesus. They also think it means you’re doing drugs. It’s a slippery slope that doesn’t EVER MAKE ANY SENSE…but it happens.

I think the only true way to handle this kind of cray-cray is to listen to them and stand your ground. Don’t ignore them, don’t yell at them, don’t put your headphones in while they’re talking, don’t concede and say you’ll do what they want. Stand your ground. When they tell you it’s a phase or ask you to write a list, tell them it’s not a phase and write a list. Even if the list says ‘I like boys’ ten times in a row, just do it. If you’re like ‘NO, I DONT WANT TO’ then they’re like ‘mmmhmmmm guess you don’t want to because i’m right’ and it just pisses you off even more and sets the whole process back. Just write the stupid list and put things on it that don’t matter and aren’t tru just make you look REALLY GAY so they’ll get over it. (i orignially wrote ‘get ovs’ and kristin thought i meant ‘get ovaries’ soooooooooo)

Here are examples of things you can put on a list: I like boys, i like hairy legs, i like things in my butt, i like ab muscles and firm chests, i like romantic comedies, vaginas are gross, I drink black coffee, I love grilled cheese sandwiches better with ham, the gay couple on modern family make me laugh, i give a thumbs up with my left hand.

Kristin Says:

That is a really great list of reasons to be gay.  Most especially the liking grilled cheese better with ham part.

I know I have said it before, and I know it gives her great satisfaction to hear it repeatedly, but I think Dannielle is right on both points: 1) It is a ridiculous request, 2) It is not conceding your point to make them a list.  I would like to add that you should not agonize over finding items that will ‘convince them,’ because it shouldn’t be your job to prove who you are.  Just make a list, plain and simple.  They will realize after they have the list (probably), that a stupid list doesn’t do anyone any good…but sometimes we have to teach our parents’ things they think they know but they just don’t know, you know?  

What I would like to suggest is that you complicate things a little further, and ask them to make a list of why they are straight.  It only seems fair.  Say, ‘Mom, Dad, I disagree with you needing me to make a list, but I do want to help us get to a place where we understand each other better, so I will make a list.  I think it is only fair, thought, for you and Dad to make a list of reasons why you think you are straight.  Okay?’  

Then when you have a list that says, I fall in love with boys, I am attracted to boys, I can’t imagine kissing a girl, I have thought about boys since I was ten, girls are of no interest to me,’ and they have a list that says, ‘I fall in love with (opposite sex), I am attracted to (opposite sex), I can’t imagine kissing (same sex), I have thought about (opposite sex) my whole life, (same sex) is of no interest to me, and God says it is a sin to be homosexual,’ you can be like…’Okay so we are exactly identical except that you think this is a sin, and I don’t, so why don’t we stop making silly lists and talk about that instead.’

Here is a really old entry we posted that has some good resources with handling the religious arguments against homosexuality.  I feel like there is a more recent one, but I CAN’T FIND IT.  On that note, someday when we have a million employees, or even four, I promise we will make this whole site searchable. #todolistmonday