-Question submitted by Todd

—

Dannielle Says:

It’s better to do what makes you most comfortable. For me, I wanted to talk to my dad face to face. I felt like I needed that for my own piece of mind. HOWEVER, I ended up writing to quite a few friends of mine. There was something about talking to these friends that made me feel like I couldn’t get out the right words with my mouth, you know?

Writing gives us a certain freedom that talking doesn’t. We have the ability to say exactly what we want to say and to answer questions before they’re asked. We can explain to someone exactly how we feel without hoping they’ll just “get it” based on the way we’re acting. We can express emotions we don’t even completely understand, which is nearly impossible in mouth-form. 

Some people are really really good at talking, I am not. I’m okay with it, but I’m not awesome. Therefore, I choose to write because that is what’s best for me. Like I’ve said before and I’ll say again, You HAVE to do what makes you feel most comfortable. Coming out is a process, it’s YOUR process, this is totally up to you. 

Kristin Says:

There is no “best way to come out.” I know that, in a time where you are unsure about EVERYTHING, all you want is for us to be like: HERE IS HOW YOU DO IT: STEP ONE BAKE A CAKE, STEP TWO EAT THE CAKE, STEP THREE TELL YOUR MOM, STEP FOUR DO A DANCE. And… while you can totally follow those instructions, I have to break it to you: There is no rule book, there is no guidebook, and usually there is also no cake.

What you should know is that, no matter which way you choose to express yourself, things are going to unfold over time and occupy much more than that initial “big reveal” moment. If you come out to someone in person, then you might encounter an awkward pause or two, say a few things you didn’t necessarily mean, laugh in a place that wasn’t even funny, or hug for a few seconds too long and then make a really bad joke. THESE THINGS HAPPEN. The ridiculous moments I have shared with friends when coming out to them in person are some of my favorite stories. 

That said, you might want some more space and time for yourself or the other person, and I am always a fan of letter writing for that exact reason. Just make sure that, after you write a letter, you let the person know that you are totally happy to talk to them, answer their questions, ETCETERA.

You are going to do great, no matter what you decided to do. I promise. I have literally come out to people by panicking and shouting “I’M A LESBIAN” and then shiftily looking from side to side in awkward silence, and I am still a living breathing human (with those same friends) today. You know?

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

Here is the thing about the thing. 

Your girlfriend’s jealousy has NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with her own insecurities. So, you can’t really battle any of that by explaining yourself. Believe you me, I have had a number of conversations where I’m all ‘I’M NOT CHEATING ON YOU GET OVER YOURSELF’ and that helps no one. 

If you can step back from the conversations slash yellversation (yelling conversation) and say ‘hey, is there something I’m specifically doing that makes you feel uncomfortable?’ If she says ‘yes, you tell your friends you love them’ then you can say ‘oh, ok, well we just have always said that, we’re best friends there are no feelings there I promise’ you have said your piece and we can move on to the next step (ALSO, if you ask her the above and she says ‘not really, i’m just nervous about us and I get freaked out that you might like someone more than me’ YOU CAN STILL MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STEP)…which is as follows: explain to her that it’s okay to be jealous and it’s okay to talk about the jealousy.

A lot of times, when we feel jealous we also feel stupid / like we’re not supposed to feel jealous so we don’t say anything until we’ve obsessed over the situation for 3 weeks, then we explode. If she knows that you understand everyone gets jealous and we all just need to talk about it, it’ll make her feel a little better. AND when she does flip out, don’t flip back, simply say ‘hey, i promise you have nothing to worry about, but also if you wanna talk about how that girl just hit on me and it was really rude and gross, we can do that.’ Generally, people just want you to understand where they’re coming from, if she feels understood she’ll feel a lot more comfy. 

Kristin Says:

BIG UPS FOR VALIDATING PEOPLE’S FEELINGS.

You guys… remember when people used to say big ups? Am I four hundred years old? What’s going on? WHERE ARE WE?

Anyway… the short answer here is: Stop explaining yourself.

The best thing you can do in this situation is to do the things you would normally do (ie: sleep over a friend’s house or go to the movies with your besties), and when boobear shouts and/or pouts, you need to say, “Okay, let’s talk about these feelings. I know that having a sleep over is a fun thing that I like to do, I know it’s important to me to share experiences with my friends, and I understand that sometimes that is hard for you. I am absolutely here to listen, but I am not going to give you excuses, and I am not going to change my plans, because I know that in doing that I am going to hurt us as a couple, and I love you to much to let that happen.”

You don’t have to use those EXACT words, but the fact of the matter is: NO ONE should change their behavior or feel that they have to ‘answer to’ anyone or ‘explain themselves’ unless they are rolling around naked with their friends. You have to be firm in what you believe to be right, and let your boo know that you are always there for her to help her explore those feelings.

Do not make her feel stupid or childish for feeling jealous.
Do be strong in your needs as her partner and facilitate conversations.

If she cannot have a conversation with you when you are adhering to the above, and still continues to make you feel less-than, it might be worth considering leaving the relationship. Sometimes there are really great boobears who need a little more time to grow themselves before they are ready to be a true partner to someone else. 

Also featured in “The Hook-Up” on MTVAct and MTV’s It’s Your Sex Life

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

I’m a firm believer that love is never enough. I also firmly believe you have to do what’s best for you.

I mean, love is amazing / the best / incredible / life changing.. but it’s rarely ever ENOUGH. You know? People are too complicated for love to just work out and all your problems just solve themselves. A lot more goes into making a relationship work and sometimes, regardless of the amount of love the two of you share, shit just doesn’t work out. 

This doesn’t mean you’re broken or they’re broken or you’ll never find love again. It means you’ve opened your heart to someone, you loved and were loved by another human and it was almost perfect. HOWEVER, the big huge thing that is making everything crumble? It’s the universe telling you that there’s something even more incredible out there. There is someone out there who understands you completely and you understand them completely and you have all the same goals and hopes and the two of you are gonna rock the world together. ORRR there is someTHING out there just waiting for you to find it; a passion, a dream, a goal, a trip around the globe…

Everything happens for a reason. It might take you 3 months or 5 years or 2 decades to figure out what that reason was, but trust me, if you work hard and follow your dreams and do what’s best for you, you WILL figure it out. 

Kristin Says:

I agree with Dannielle - love alone is not enough to carry you through life or sustain a relationship. Love is beautiful, necessary, and crucial in many areas in life, but it can’t just stand up on its own and make everything okay. I have fiercely loved many individuals in my life who I couldn’t sustain a relationship with —- and I still fiercely love those people.

Timing is extremely important in shaping that love and turning it into a tool that promotes growth and strength. If I were the person I am today when I started dating my first girlfriend, our relationship would have been entirely different.  I would have handled our fights differently, I would have handled our time together differently… I would have handled our love differently.

Trust me when I tell you that your experiences with love right now - especially the experiences that end in uncertainty and confusion - are the experiences that will lead you to a love that is enough. That love will come along with confidence, communication, independence, vulnerability, and patience. Understand that it is okay to love someone and to walk away from that person when you know that things aren’t right. That isn’t failure - that is growth in its most powerful form.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

I think you have to just stop and rationalize with yourself. I mean, when it comes down to it you can’t (SLASH shouldn’t want to) control everything your boyf does and everyone your boyf talks to. SO, when he’s talking to someone and you’re like ‘WHY IS HE TALKING TO HER HE WOULDN’T TALK TO HER IF HE DIDN’T LIKE HER’ … Think to yourself ‘talking is not the same as making out’ 

That’s generally where everything stems from, you being afraid he’s gonna want to make out with someone else. I have a ton of friends, a lot of them are girls and I don’t want to make out with ANY of them #nooffensefranz. I’m sure you have a ton of friends you don’t want to make out with because that’s how life goes. You have friends and you have MORETHANFRIENDS. You are his more than friend, and you should trust that. AND if you’re feeling wonky about someone, talk to him about it and say ‘i’m feeling super insecure and I don’t know why so just tell me you love me most’

Bottom Line: it’s okay to be insecure sometimes, it’s okay to talk to him or ask him about his friends, it’s okay to be a little jealous. It’s not okay to let that jealousy take over. Before you jump on him for hanging out or talking to someone, have a talk with your own brain and put yourself in his shoes. That way when you approach him you will have calmed down a little and you won’t scream-yell-cry at him.

Kristin Says:

I am a jealous person, and I can tell you that the advice above is SPOT ON, folks. Jealousy is a powerful beast of a thing that will quite literally pop through your stomach like that Alien in Alien if you don’t deal with it - so don’t ignore it. Unless you want to have an alien baby that attacks your boyfriend.

I have found that by recognizing my jealousy as something that is THERE AND PRESENT but generally not at all grounded in facts or reality, I am able to talk about it with my boo. Here is a dramatization:

Me: Hey, I am having jealous feelings about Cynthia.
GF: Really? Why?
Me: I don’t know - and I know you aren’t going to make out with her, but sometimes when you laugh really hard at all her jokes I get a pit in my stomach and also I think she has a crush on you.
GF: Listen. I think your jokes are the funniest and I love you. Cynthia is my friend, but I totally understand why you feel that way, and I am glad you told me. We’ve been friends for a long time, and I know she doesn’t have a crush on me - but even if she did I would be with you, because you’re mine.
Me: I feel a little better for saying it out loud. Thanks for listening. I might tell you a couple more times about the feelings. I have all of the feelings.
GF: Yes, I know.

{makeout, she gives me a pony, buys me a house, and tells me I’m pretty. end scene}

Other than talking about it I HIGHLY SUGGEST sitting with the alien-baby feelings for AT LEAST AN HOUR before talking about them. A lot of times the feelings go in a trajectory that looks like this:

KILL KILL KILL KILL OMG KILL OMG OMG KILLLLLLL AHHHHHH WHYYYYY WHY WHY UGH UGH STUPID EVERYTHING IS STUPID UGH SIGH SIGH SIGH I LOVE MY BOO THO BUT UGHHHH BUT SIGHH I LOVE MY BOO

Wait til you get to the end of that to talk to him. Cool? Cool.

Question submitted by anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

-______-

Join the GSA and do stuff… THAT WAS EASY. 

But seriously you guys. At the very first meeting (usually the most popular) raise your hand and give them some suggestions. No one is gonna be mad at you for having good ideas. Literally sit there let them say all the stupid-boring-not-doin-anything-stuff they’re gonna say and raise your hand and say ‘i had some ideas for things that we could do this year, should i just say them now?’ and they’ll be like ‘uuhhh okay’ and then you give them this list:

1. Ice Cream Social
2. Bring Everyone is Gay here to do a school-wide event
3. Fundraiser
4. Skate party
5. Pizza Party
6. Movie Nights
7. Everyone is Gay webcast marathons
8. School-wide GSA T-Shirt design contest
9. GSA Alum come back and talk about college experiences
10. Everyone High Five at the end of every meeting.

Kristin Says: 

Oh snap SHE TOLD YOU.

Here’s a thing, y’all: Shit ain’t ever gonna get done if Y’ALL DON’T DO IT.

I get that you are busy, I know how jam-packed a schedule can get, and you certainly shouldn’t overload yourself to the point of exhaustion. However, if you want to join the GSA, and you are bummed because ‘they’ never do anything, then just like Dannielle said DO. SOMETHING.

See that list up there? Maybe you are too busy for nine out of ten of those items. Pick one. Literally just pick one. Say, “I would like to set a goal for us this year and I have decided that it will be _______________.” Work toward that goal with the others in the GSA, and work together so that you all have different tasks. Make a list. Check it twice. NOW YOU’RE SANTA. BOOM.

Seriously, everyone. Making change doesn’t have to mean you give forty hours a week to running a non-profit organization. It doesn’t have to mean that you spend ten hours a week organizing a community wide protest of Chik-Fil-A. It can literally mean that you help the others in your GSA gather around a list of things, and that you work toward having an ice cream social in June that raises funds for a charity. It can mean that you meet each week and tell each other a story of how you were kind to another student that week and why that kindness is important. It can mean that you decide to put up signs on the school bulletin boards that encourage people to volunteer.

Decide on it. Commit to it. Do it.

It’s that easy.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

omg… I totally had this exact situation happen to my very self when I was in my early twenties (you guys i’m still in my twenties but i wanted to sound wise)… 

I wasn’t very emotional savvy quite yet so I dealt with it in the worst possible way. I slowly but surely stopped hanging out with that person and things got super weird and then we stopped talking and things got even weirder. BUT LIKE WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?! SHE WAS HASHING MY MELLOW. (is that still a phrase people use?)

If I were me now when I was me back then I would have reacted differently. Me now, I would have said ‘hey, I know that we all deal with things differently but sometimes when you’re super negative it makes me feel super negative and then I focus on that and I just feel bad, and I know you’re not trying to make me feel bad, but maybe we can figure out a way to talk so that I don’t also get super down on myself too??’ Your human friend might feel a little defensive at first, but just explain it’s not about them, it’s about you. I mean, that’s what it is right? Your friend is upset CONSTANTLY and that in turn upsets you and ruins your whole mood and day and life AND THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS, you have to be doing things that make you happy and if this friendship is going to stay strong, it has to be something positive! AMIRIGHT?!

Kristin Says:

Well, first of all I would feel the same way. It is one thing to be like, UGH THIS DAY IS KICKING MY BUTT AND I AM SO SCARED I WILL NEVER BE SUCCESSFUL CAN WE EAT ICE CREAM TOGETHER AND WATCH LOL WITH MILEY CYRUS WHILE I CRY A BIT?! It is another thing to just whine all the time about every little thing. Being around that would make anyone roll their eyes and feel like poo.

I think the path forward comes in two parts:

1. Do like Dannielle says and sit down with WinstonWhiney. Explain that you love spending time together, and you know that things have been rough lately, but you would really like to focus on the positive as much as you can while you are together BECAUSE you think that would be good for BOTH of you. You can even say, “Here’s my idea for how to make our lives better: when we hang out, we both get a bitch-session that lasts for a total of ten minutes. We say ALL the things that have been dragging us down lately. THEN we talk about how we can make those things better and talk about some of the GOOD things that have been happening to us. THEN WE JUST HANG OUT AND HAVE A B-L-A-S-T. Cool?”

2. If WinstonWhiney is all WHATEVER YOU JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND MY LIFE IT’S HORRIBLE I HATE EVERYTHING AND YOU ARE NOT GETTING ME UGH… then I suggest you simply see WinstonWhiney less. It is not your job as a BFF to have to listen to whineysongs all the day long, and you shouldn’t feel bad for needing some space and time away from that behavior. 

Also, you could simply start exclusively referring to your friend as WinstonWhiney until they catch the hint…