-Question submitted by Michayla

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Dannielle Says: 

Brace yourself. The only way to fix this is to be a little bit awkward. 

When I was 16 my mom VERY SERIOUSLY was like “dainyel, arr ewe havin sexxx” (she has a very thick southern accent) and I was like ‘NOOO’ with a panicked look in my eye. Panicked because I was lying? No. Panicked because my mom was trying to talk to me about sex? Yes. I had no interest in talking to my mom about the fact that I wasn’t swapping boners with people. The whole idea of talking about sexistuff with my mom just made my insides curl up and vomit themselves out.

HOWEVER, If I were me RIGHT NOW or if I were you (you seem comfy talking about this stuff) I would say “NO” with a panicked look in my eye AND THEN LATER be like ‘listen, seriously, i’m not having sex and I know I’m suuuuuper hot and totally should be or whatever, but I’m not and the reason i’m not is because i DON’T WANT TO.’

Chances are this will open up a conversation where your parent(s) actually believe what you’re saying because it isn’t just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, it’s a dialogue. If you explain to your parents why you aren’t interested in sex right now, they’ll feel more comfortable with the idea that you’ll be honest when you ARE interested…. aaaaaand saying things like ‘i know how to be safe and this is where i could tested’ will make them feel a lot better too, prolly. 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing. You say, “No, I am not having sex,” and your parents hear, “I AM HAVING SEX AND I JUST DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU.” This is the way that parents’ ears work. I don’t even think they can help it.

What I would do is very similar to what Dannielle suggested. I would sit them down to talk about talking about sex. Since you have brought up sex and they have gone totally haywire on you, you can now sit them down and knock their socks off by explaining yourself, your position, and your needs from them as parents. Kids can school parents, you guys. Your parents have never been your parents before, so they need a little help sometimes.

Say, “Listen, parents. I love you and I trust you, and I want to be able to come to you with questions and concerns. However, when I talk about sex you immediately think I am hiding something from you, and that makes me feel like I can’t approach you. I want to figure out a way where you can trust me and know that my questions don’t signal anything apart from me growing up and wanting to get information from the people I trust most.”

Their eyes will probably be real big and they won’t know what to say bc HOLY SH*T they raised a goddamn genius. Then you can say, “Plus when I DO decide to have sex, I am probably not going to be able to call you in the moment with my questions and concerns because that would be totally weird…”

Then hopefully you will all laugh, and they will be able to approach things better in the future. Just be patient with them and remember that you can teach them how to be even better parents by being honest and patient and diligent in your efforts. Huzzah!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I would prolly make a big collage of all the women in hollywood and and music sports and what not who have short haircuts / wear pants / climb mountains / aren’t gayheads and give it to her. 

Then I would make another collage of lesbians wearing dresses / lipstick / baking cupcakes…give it to her and scream ‘oh… my …. god… MOM YOU’RE A LESBIAN!’ 

It’s kind of a silly way of thinking. It’s like, she really thinks you’re a lesbian bc you like to wear hats?? FOR REAL… she’s being a goon. I guess, calmly explain to her that lesbians are generally girls who like girls, though the definition is ever evolving, but AS FAR AS YOU KNOW, you are not a lesbo. Then show her a pic of Channing Tatum and say ‘i mean, come on… is anyone really a lesbian anymore?’

Kristin Says:

Hahahahahahaha. Hahaha. 

Listen, not to like PIGGYBACK on Dannielle’s advice, but the idea of you making collages and screaming at your mom that you just realized she must be a lesbian is goddamn hilarious. Do that. Please, please do that.

The bottom line here is that she is mushing together sexuality and her idea of gender roles. Gender roles are fucked up to begin with, so it’s a really horrible thing to use in any sort of logic… but even if gender roles were ACCURATE, they still wouldn’t determine who we like to kiss and boob-touch.

To make it real simple you could just say, “Mom, by that logic, the better apple pie a lady makes is directly correlated to how much she likes penises.”

That’ll get her thinking.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I KNOW EXACTLY HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM. 

I mean, maybe not, maybe it won’t work but AT LEAST TRY WHAT I SAY. 

I suggest you compliment the two of you together…so like… say you take a picture of yourselves and you look at the picture, instead of saying ‘you are so pretty’ you could say ‘damn we look good together’ or ‘we are literally the cutest’ or ‘weee-ooh wee-oooh hot couple alert!’ OR LIKE instead of saying ‘you’re so smart,’ if she’s explaining to you the square root of 69 (8 something right? awwww) you could say ‘i literally had no idea’ or ‘i wish everything in your noggin could someone just jump into my noggin’ or ‘WEE OOH WEEE OOOH FACT POLICE!’

OR LIKE instead of saying ‘you’re so good at being independent’ you could say ‘i love how you spend time alone, i always feel like a ferret in a cage when i’m sitting at home’ OR ‘i’m real glad we spend time with our friends, couples who only hang out together are THE PITS’ or ‘WEEE OOOH WEEE OHH miss independent miss im’ sufficient (sing kelly clarkson song)

OR LIKE continue giving her compliments and just say “NOT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF OR ANYTHING BUT YOU’RE VERY [compliment]” and “YOU’RE VERY [compliment] AND THAT’S NOT A COMPLIMENT IT’S JUST A SCIENTIFIC FACT”

Kristin Says:

I am pretty sure Dannielle just solved all of the world’s problems in the above three paragraphs, so I don’t have too much to add.

What I WILL say is this: your girlfriend might also just be bad at taking compliments. It’s like… there were many times (especially when I was younger) when someone told me I was pretty or smart and I would make a joke and deflect attention from what they were saying or wrinkle my nose and retort with something like “YOUR MOM IS PRETTY.” You know? It isn’t easy to just say “thanks” when someone says nice things - even if it’s your very own girlfriend.

Soooooooooooo. Consider the fact that she actually does appreciate that you value her assets #fratnsnap, and just doesn’t know how to appreciate them outwardly. One thing is for certain: don’t stop telling your boo how much you love her and in how many ways - because that is what bein’ a boo-friend is all about.

Actually, two things are for certain. You should also not get through the entire day today without saying ‘WEEE OOOH WEEE OHH miss independent miss im’ sufficient.’

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Picture him pooping. 

Kristin Says:

Ask him if you can take a picture of him holding a sign that says, “Kittens are ugly and so is your mom,” and then put it in the from part of your wallet. Every time you look at him and start to swoon, look at the picture and remember HE CAN’T BE CUTE IF HE THINKS KITTENS ARE UGLY.

#suspendeddisbelief

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Chances are, you can’t. Since your mother has been 15 before, she’s probably convinced herself that she owns a gold medal in 15dom. She’s probably not trying to make you feel stupid, but I’m sure that’s sort of what’s happening, yea?

If I were you, I’d be like ‘mom, bro, lets have a chat’ and when she looks at you like you’re a total weirdo for calling her ‘bro’ sit down and act VERY PROFESSIONAL. Say to her “I understand where you’re coming from and I know from all my reading that who I am today is not who I will be ten years from now. HOWEVER, I also know how I feel inside and though it’s very confusing, more than anything I need your support.”

She’ll probably say what she’s been saying all along, she’ll support you if you’re gay but you’re probably not, etc etc. THAT’S WHEN YOU SAY… “I get that, i really do, but can you show me that support now? If I have a crush on someone I wanna tell you, and right now, I don’t feel like you’ll listen or care.” Hopefully, this will make her realize how close-minded she’s being. When it comes down to it, our parents want to protect us, and when they freak out, they can’t protect us… so, she’s probably trying to talk herself out of freaking out by saying there’s no way for you to know. Try talking and if, for some reason, it doesn’t work… keep trying. 

Kristin Says:

When I was younger I used to write down my feelings in my journal and I would also often include a note for my future self at the end that would say something like “THESE FEELINGS ARE REAL, REMEMBER THAT.”

I am sure that the reason I felt so compelled to write my adult self those notes as a teenager was because of how many people around me were making me feel that my emotions weren’t “real,” in contrast with the actual, complete realness of those feelings. I say this first because I want you to know that I get it - I understand where you are coming from, and I know that your feelings are real.

I agree with Dannielle about talking to your mom, and I think that you should ask her how she would feel if an 80-year-old lady continuously told her that her feelings weren’t real. That 80-year-old lady might know that there is a lot of growing and shifting that happens from age 40 to age 80, but would that make your Mom feel any differently about who she is right now? THE ANSWER IS NO, IT TOTALLY WOULDN’T.

It shouldn’t matter to your mom or to you or to anyone who you might be when you are 25, because you will get to be that person when you are 25 and right now you are the person you are at 15 - that person is pretty sure she is a lesbian, and that is all that matters. Explain to your mom that your 15 year old self needs her to understand that and respect your feelings as valid - because guess what? 15 year old feelings are JUST as valid as anyone else’s feelings. Don’t let anyone ever tell you differently.

Also, you could sass her about it and when she says, “You are too young to be gay,” reply “Yeah, well you are too old to know that I’m not, so I guess we’re fucked.”

JUST KIDDING DON’T SAY FUCK IN FRONT OF YOUR MOM YOU GUYS.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Step One: CALM… DOWN… 

You guys, why do people think that being gay means you want to bone every human of the same sex. Nothing pisses me off more than people assuming I have a crush on someone bc that someone happens to have a vadge. FOR REAL THO? You legit think your mom is gay and now she’s going to prey on all of your gal pals? SLOW YOUR ROLL. 

Liking people is liking people and it literally has nothing to do with gender. We claim ‘i’m gay’ and ‘i’m straight’ and ‘i’m a velociraptor’ bc we’re obsessed with labels and it’s the easiest way to explain ‘heyyyy people think it’s weird to date members of the same sex but it’s not as weird now bc there’s a name to go with it’ … IT’S WHATEVER YOU GUYS. 

Don’t be weird around your mom just because things are different, be the bigger person. Treat her as if she’s the same mom she’s always been because guess what? SHE IS. She is literally the exact same, she’s just a little more comfortable because she thought that your relationship was strong enough to withstand something as little as her being gay. AND the only reason it’s weird right now is bc you’re making it weird. She didn’t have to tell you, she could have kept it from you your entire life, but she loves you and she trusts you and she wants you to know her. Try to be a little more understanding and don’t make things harder than they have to be.

Kristin Says:

So. Here’s the thing. The way you worded your question, Anonymous… it sounds pretty insulting to girls who like girls (like ourselves), which is why Dannielle is telling you to calm down and stop assuming your mom has turned from straight to predator, just because she has come to understand herself (and come out to you as) gay.

I am going to extend an OLIVE BRANCH of sorts here, and say: Okay. You are flipping out because you don’t understand what it means that your mom is gay, and you feel really weird and you are totally panicking, none of it makes sense to you, and you have no idea how to move forward because the thought of it makes your brain turn to scared mush. 

Please remember that not understanding something does not mean that it is bad or wrong. It means that you should work to understand that thing, and you should talk to your mom about what troubles or worries you.

You feel weird about another woman in the house with her. That’s FINE. That doesn’t mean that women cannot come into the house, it means that you have to work through those feelings and become comfortable with your mom as a gay lady.

You feel weird about what your friends will think about your gay mom, and you think (or, more likely, you think THEY will think) that your mom wants to date them. Would you think about that if you brought a boy friend over to the house and your mom was a straight lady?! Probably not… and you can tell that to your friends if they seem confused.

Bottom line: Being gay doesn’t mean you like all the people. Being gay means the same things as being ANY. OTHER. THING. You like who you like, how you like, when you like. You like the people you like, and sure, gender is a factor for some - but just because your mom likes girls certainly doesn’t mean she likes all of them. That would just be plain silly, y’all.