“I came out when I was 15, and I’ll be 23 soon. I’ve only dated 1 girl in that time, and I’m not really attracted to other girls as much as I used to be. I feel like I’m a bad gay. I hate cats and softball. I don’t listen to any “gay” bands; I don’t hook up and think uhauling is silly. Am I still gay if I don’t fit the stereotype?”

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Stereotypes are so interesting because we all fight and fight and fight to NOT be judged based on our labels, but then WE JUDGE EVERYONE ELSE BASED ON THEIR LABELS. 

It makes no sense. I am totally a gay, but people think I’m so weird bc I’ve only seen 3.5 seasons of The L Word, I have no interest in The Real L Word, I only own 4 Tegan & Sara songs, I don’t go to gay bars, I’ve never been good at any sport, I would rather shave my entire head than just half of it, and I don’t own a pair of converse. BUT SO WHAT!?

The other day someone asked me if I owned the new Tegan & Sara album and I said “No, but I’ve heard good things, do you like it?!” and they LAUGHED AT ME….this human literally thought I was ridiculous for having not heard A MUSICAL SONG… Are you kidding me?? 

We are all so different and these differences need to be celebrated not judged. I don’t know what happens in our heads that makes us decide, “oh! we’re attracted to the same types of people THEREFORE, you must be exactly like me or you are kicked out of the club” … STOP THIS RIGHT NOW. If you are disappointed when someone is different from you, you are doing an injustice to yourself and everything we are fighting for: equality.

You, anonyMOUSE, are perfect just the way you are, anyone who says that’s not true is an idiot. 

Kristin Says:

This whole situation drives me mad but also fascinates me to no end. So let me talk about it in two parts:

1) It drives me mad. This has most everything to do with what Dannielle said above; we shouldn’t require that other people behave just like us in order to fit any particular identity. When you like boobs it doesn’t automatically mean you like flannel. GET OVER IT, PEOPLE.

2) It fascinates the hell out of me. This has most everything to do with the fact that, as people who often feel “othered” in mainstream society, we have a tendency to create our own societal norms and touchstones. It is a means of saying, “Hey, I know this thing and you know this thing and we all know this thing and we have a COMMUNITY.” In that sense, I think it is pretty badass. It’s nice that Dannielle and I can make a joke about converse sneakers and lesbians and most everyone laughs hysterically - it makes all those people who are laughing feel safer, more supported, more understood, and less isolated.

So, based on those two feelings I will now move on to my CONCLUSION. No, Anonymous(e)… you are absolutely not weird or abnormal or anything except for a totally unique and brilliant person whose sexuality makes up one facet of a much larger individual. Own what you like and do not feel pressured to listen to music or wear clothes that you don’t like - we are all different and that is so important to remember. To all of you out there who love the cultural touchstones that exist out there for the identity that you claim, that is awesome and wonderful - but that does not make it OBLIGATORY. I am no less gay than you if I don’t understand the joke you made about Shane and Carmen. Stop putting up walls and making others feel like they don’t belong if they don’t identify the exact way you do. CAPISH?!

Thanks, byeeeeee.

Filed under flannel lesbian injustice song musical converse tegan and sara sport l word

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“When did you both know for certain that you were gay? How do I know for certain if I am too?”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

DEFINE. GAY. YALL.

Because like, if 30 years from now, I meet the dreamiest of all dreams and it happens to be a boy, then so be it, and if that happens to make me not gay, whoops, and if yall happen to hate me for it…then you’re jerks. 

I realized I had a liking for girls after one kissed me and I was like ‘oh word, we date then??’ …so I dated a girl, I had REAL intense and legit feelings for a girl a few months later, but she was over it in a matter of 4 weeks. So, I had my actual first pain in my heart area and couldn’t breathe and felt stupid and thought i was worthless bc of a girl around then….and I didn’t fall in love with a girl until years after that…so like, WHICH ONE OF THOSE THINGS MAKES ME GAY YALL??? Because there’s a range from 19 - 26 you know what I mean?

The thing about certainty is…it doesn’t exist, I think everyone will always doubt everything bc that is life and THAT IS OKAY. Don’t worry about being certain you’re gay, worry about the person you feel like you maybe might like. Think about all the reasons you like them, and like them for those reasons. I’m willing to bet none of those reasons have ANYTHING to do with their gender. Take it one day at a time gaynonymous. You don’t have to have anything figured out anytime soon. Like who you like until you don’t like them anymore…then like another person and then another and then another…they might all be girls, they might all be boys, they might all identify as something totally different and none of it will make you gay or straight. It’ll make you human. 

You are a human who likes humans, and I like you.

Kristin Says:

Yuuuuuuuup. WHAT. SHE. SAID.

You want to hear my history in the world of gay? When I was in 8th grade my mom asked me repeatedly if I was a lesbian, to which I would retort, disgustedly, “EW MOM NO WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?!” I had absolutely no sexytime thoughts about ladies, and it didn’t strike me the least bit odd that I would dedicate love songs to my very best friend on the whole planet who I adored and loved. SHE WAS JUST MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER. You know?

Then, in 10th grade I kissed two girls and I thought it was total lame sauce and called my two best friends at the time and was like, “YOU GUYS I KISSED TWO GIRLS AND IT WAS SO GROSS, SO JUST SO YOU KNOW I AM STRAIGHT.”

Then, in 12th grade I lost out on the lead in the school musical to this junior girl who had never even done a musical before and I was fuming with rage (you guys, I cannot sing…so I need to calm down). Then at a party a few weeks later we made out and I was like, “OH.” Then we kept making out and I was like…”OHHH.” Then I got feelings for her like whoa and then I was like…well, I guess I am bisexual.

Then I only ever dated girls except this one dude named Assam (pronounced AWE-SOME) who I went to dinner with, but wound up talking about Britney Spears the whole time…so now I just say I’m gay because it seems applicable.

But you guys. So many of us don’t know anything for certain, and that is totally fine. I wouldn’t say I know anything for certain, and like Dannielle, if I trip on an extension cord at Home Depot and knock over a lightbulb display and the dude who comes to help clean up looks into my eyeballs and I’m like, “OH.” Then like…who the fuck knows?!

You know?

You are who you are. That’s it.

Filed under advice gay lesbian lgbt labels kiss girlfriend dream britney spears bisexual musical party

444 notes

D&K, is it a bad idea to get involved with a girl who's got a lot of baggage? I really like her but she's got some serious drama from the past (that always finds a way of reaching the present if you know what I mean). Thanks guys!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

Dannielle Says:

BUTTT IIII’VE GOT BAAAAAAGGAGE EMOTIONAL BAAAAAAGGGAGE A PLANE LOAD OF DRAAAGAGE THAT CAUSES MUCH SAAAAAAGAGE *EVERYBODY* WE’VE GOT BAGGGGAGE… 

That was a quote from one my favorite off-broadway musicals I LOVE YOU, YOU’RE PERFECT, NOW CHANGE. 

Everyone has baggage you guys. We all have different bags with different handles, but we all have it. My baggage comes in the form of crying for 3 hours straight after seeing Country Strong and not saying a single word. Your baggage may come in the form of you saying everything that’s gone wrong in your life within the first week of knowing me. And that makes us different…and that is OKAY.

You guys, we’re all going through life, we all get fucked over, we all make really shitty mistakes, we all keep it inside, we all explode, we all cry hysterically, we all can’t breathe sometimes, we all feel like a waste of space, we all can’t be in a good relationship…until we can. Does that make sense? When she/you/we is/are ready to be awesome in an awesome relationship, she/you/we will be. And it will be awesome. 

If you like her, you like her, keep liking her…don’t decide she has too many issues before you’ve even given her a chance…you don’t know the details, and like, what if you’re supposed to spend your life with her and you totally miss out bc you’re like ‘she’s dramatic…’ 

you know?

Kristin Says:

Well here is a great example of a question that we just can’t really answer for you, Anonymous.  It’s like…when I like a girl I like the girl because I like the girl, and if she comes with some stuff that is built up from living this crazy life, it doesn’t typically phase me because I just need to have the girl.

I would never be able to use logical reasoning in the first stages of falling for someone, which is why falling for someone is so nutty.  Actually.  Let me rephrase that…because I would probably be able to use my logic to not get involved with someone who was a heroin user, or who beat their kids, or who thought that white people were better than black people.  I am assuming, however, that by “baggage,” you mean that this girl isn’t emotionally perfect and that you are unsure about how that will fit with you.

So, even though I said before that I couldn’t tell you what to do, I am going to now tell you what to do.  Kiss her face and kiss her face real good, and then get all wobbly kneed and go on a few dates and maybe even touch her boobs or WHATEVER.  If, as you start to get to know her more, her emotional shit is dragging you down, THAT is when you have to take a step back and assess the situation.  Talk to her about your concerns.  Maybe she will want to talk it out with you and try to make it work, maybe she will fly into a rage and break all of your Precious Moments figurines that your grandma gave you…you won’t know until you are there, and if she breaks your figurines you have to be strong and FIGURINE HER OUT OF THE PICTURE. #dumbjokewednesday

Seriously though.  It’s like…if you KNOW this girl is totally not good for you already, then don’t even ask us the question.  Don’t get involved.  If you really like her and you have concerns, though, just take it one step at a time.

Okay? Okay.

Filed under advice baggage suitcase drama off broadway musical boobs

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