-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you should leave this up to him, or at least talk to him. I remember when I came out to my mom and she immediately told my entire family (she couldn’t help it, it’s in our blood). I was working up the courage to call my Aunt Bev for like 30 minutes, and when i finally did… SHE ALREADY KNEW… she pretended she didn’t bc she loves me, but COME ON. You know? 

Talk to your son and ask him if he’s even ready to come out to the rest of the family - he may have just wanted you to know. If he is ready and he does want you to tell the fam on his behalf, do that. When they’re like ‘aren’t you upset’ stand firm and tell them you’re not bc like… WHY WOULD YOU BE UPSET PANCAKE (your sons name) IS PERFECT. If he decides to come out to them on his own and gets some backlash, stand up for him. Tell your family that he’s no different from the grandson/nephew/pancake they’ve known and loved for years, and the last thing he needs is for his family to be a bag of dicks, you know? If anything you can say “I’m not necessarily upset, but I am scared for him, I can’t imagine being pancake right now and not having the support of my family, that scares me.”

The most important thing you can do for your son is support him. He’s gonna have a rough time at school, maybe at work, maybe at gas stations, and maybe with family members, but he has you. That’s huge. Be confident that you are an awesome parent and that him having you to talk to is going to make his entire life so much easier. 

Kristin Says:

My extended family has had, and still has, a very hard time with me being gay. My parents and sister, however, are three of my biggest supporters. What I am saying is, I understand your position very, very well - and I can tell you that what Dannielle has said about the value of your vocal support of your son is key.

I remember dating a girl very seriously a few years ago, and repeatedly getting invitations to family functions that did not include her. Once, on my grandmother’s birthday, I specifically asked if I could bring her and my aunt said that she thought it might make everyone uncomfortable. My dad found out about that conversation and called me immediately. He said, “You bring whoever you want to your grandmother’s birthday, Kristin, and if they don’t invite you both to the next function, I am not going.”

I have never, EVER forgotten that support, and it made the burn of my extended family’s disapproval fade away in the face of my parent’s love for me. When you and your son figure out what he is most comfortable with in terms of ‘coming out’ to the rest of the family, you should simply be present for him in any way that he needs.

Also, you should both remember that this is a process that is ongoing. We say that all the time for kids coming out to their parents, and it holds true for parents who are coming out with their children. Your support, in a sense, is its own version of coming out, and all of those extended family members are going to need time to process, room to mess up a bit along the way, and the ability to ask questions.

Short answer: Allow him to guide the process, support him at every turn, don’t assume the worst, and be as patient, forgiving and kind as possible to those around you who may not immediately respond with acceptance.