-Question submitted by Michayla

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Dannielle Says: 

Brace yourself. The only way to fix this is to be a little bit awkward. 

When I was 16 my mom VERY SERIOUSLY was like “dainyel, arr ewe havin sexxx” (she has a very thick southern accent) and I was like ‘NOOO’ with a panicked look in my eye. Panicked because I was lying? No. Panicked because my mom was trying to talk to me about sex? Yes. I had no interest in talking to my mom about the fact that I wasn’t swapping boners with people. The whole idea of talking about sexistuff with my mom just made my insides curl up and vomit themselves out.

HOWEVER, If I were me RIGHT NOW or if I were you (you seem comfy talking about this stuff) I would say “NO” with a panicked look in my eye AND THEN LATER be like ‘listen, seriously, i’m not having sex and I know I’m suuuuuper hot and totally should be or whatever, but I’m not and the reason i’m not is because i DON’T WANT TO.’

Chances are this will open up a conversation where your parent(s) actually believe what you’re saying because it isn’t just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question, it’s a dialogue. If you explain to your parents why you aren’t interested in sex right now, they’ll feel more comfortable with the idea that you’ll be honest when you ARE interested…. aaaaaand saying things like ‘i know how to be safe and this is where i could tested’ will make them feel a lot better too, prolly. 

Kristin Says:

Here’s the thing. You say, “No, I am not having sex,” and your parents hear, “I AM HAVING SEX AND I JUST DON’T WANT TO TELL YOU.” This is the way that parents’ ears work. I don’t even think they can help it.

What I would do is very similar to what Dannielle suggested. I would sit them down to talk about talking about sex. Since you have brought up sex and they have gone totally haywire on you, you can now sit them down and knock their socks off by explaining yourself, your position, and your needs from them as parents. Kids can school parents, you guys. Your parents have never been your parents before, so they need a little help sometimes.

Say, “Listen, parents. I love you and I trust you, and I want to be able to come to you with questions and concerns. However, when I talk about sex you immediately think I am hiding something from you, and that makes me feel like I can’t approach you. I want to figure out a way where you can trust me and know that my questions don’t signal anything apart from me growing up and wanting to get information from the people I trust most.”

Their eyes will probably be real big and they won’t know what to say bc HOLY SH*T they raised a goddamn genius. Then you can say, “Plus when I DO decide to have sex, I am probably not going to be able to call you in the moment with my questions and concerns because that would be totally weird…”

Then hopefully you will all laugh, and they will be able to approach things better in the future. Just be patient with them and remember that you can teach them how to be even better parents by being honest and patient and diligent in your efforts. Huzzah!

Dannielle Says: 

Blame it on whatever friend you like least. OR

Say “Can you send me the entire L word series, it’s in my room LOLOLOL” and when they say “okay got it” just go “omg. really? i was making a joke…” OR

Say “Yea, i don’t really know, my lesbian friend said she left some lesbian tv show in my room, do you see it” OR

Say “I’m not gay or anything, but can you send my L word dvds back?” OR

Tell one of your friends to go to your house and sneak them out… No one is better at sneaking into your house but you, tell friend the tricks and get it DONE.

Calm down and wait to get them until you’re home next? 

Kristin Says:

Omg. You literally need those DVDs so bad that you are willing to risk outing yourself to your family for them. Bahahahahahaha.

Here’s what I would do:

You:  ”Yo parents. Can you send me the DVDs called ‘The L Word’ please?”

Your Parents: “There are so many ladies on these DVDs, what is ‘The L Word’?”

You: “The L Word is sometimes laughing, sometimes losing, sometimes loving… but also it could be talking, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, cheating, kissing, thinking and dreaming… even though those words don’t technically BEGIN with the letter L. It’s a REALLY complicated show.”

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

First of all, going to a therapist is RIDICULOUSLY COMMON. 95% of the people i know in real life go to therapy and prolly a whole bunch of people i dont know also go to therapy. 

I think telling her over chat is totally fine and i think you don’t have to take it too seriously. I recommend calling your therapist CAPITAN POTATO so you can chat her and be like ‘hey sorry i’m late i had another meeting with CAPITAN POTATO and i got caught up talking about my dumb ole mom leaving the refrigerator open all the time, i dunno why it bothers me so much, but IT JUST DOES’ and then she’ll be like ‘who’s capitan potato??’ and you’ll be like ‘LOL cappy p is my therapist, i gave her a fun name bc dannielle from everyoneisgay.com told me to’ and then she’ll be like ‘omg i love everyoneisgay.com’ and you’ll be like ‘ME TOO WEBCAST MARATHON???’ and then you guys will have the best day ever. 

I understand that the things that you’re going through in life may be difficult and that’s why you are in therapy and really THAT’S what you wanna talk about, but the fact that you’re seeing someone and talking to someone to make these things easier IS NOT A BIG DEAL. Don’t let that weigh you down at all because that is the tiniest of things. Talk to your friend the way you would talk to her about getting a new pair of shoes, therapy is not a big deal, save the serious talks for the serious issues, you know? AND MAYBE you can use the news of your therapy sesh to talk about serious things! and you can be like ‘yea actually capitan potato has been helping me with THIS which is actually awesome’ and make your BFF aware that things are headed in the right direction, if you’re feeling awesome she will feel awesome and you can talk about being awesome together. 

Kristin Says:

Usually I make up additional names to supplement the ones Dannielle creates, but there is no way in hell I am going to top CAPITAN POTATO, so that is officially your new therapist’s name. I really, really, REALLY hope that somehow that comes up in your next session because I REALLY want CAPITAN POTATO to know that is their new name…

Aaaaanyway. Yes! Absolutely tell her over chat and you can say it in any way you like, because the best part about life is that even if the initial moment is awkward, you have a whole bunch of moments that follow that where you can work it out and make it not-so-awkward. My initial coming out process with sooooooo many of my friends was sooooooo awkward (and I know this isn’t ‘coming out’ but it still fits the same IDEAS), and now so many of those stories are our absolute favorite ones to relive. Once I came out over chat (at the time it was AOL Instant Messenger #old) by saying, “I am dating someone. HER name is Randi,” to which my friend immediately chatted me back, “Ohhhhh so you swing both ways like a rusty door?” There I was thinking she’d be horrified and instead she made a joke and that was that.

Dannielle is right, you going to therapy is not something that should make anyone feel weird, because I am very convinced that nearly the whole world goes to therapy (I went for about 8 years!). That said, it may be a big deal to YOU and that makes total sense because it is a new thing, and an important one. So, if you don’t feel up to making a TOTAL joke about it, just say, “Hey. I know that I’ve told you about how I have been feeling down and stuff, and so I finally asked my parents if I could see someone about it and they said I could. So, I am now your friend who goes to a therapist. Everyone needs at least one.” That way you address the serious, you address that it’s an important thing to you, and you still get a tiny giggle. Approach it like that, and remember that even if you feel awkward… that’s totally okay. BFFs are BFFs are BFFs you guys. You will work it out, and she will love you just the same and be supportive of you.

Please, though, no matter what you do, do not do this without using CAPITAN POTATO.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Yes, it would be wrong. If you were to stretch the truth by saying you were visiting a friend, or taking a class or something, I could MAYBE support you. HOWEVER, if you straight up thief their hard-earned skrilla to do something they already aren’t into…you’re going to get yourself into a huge mess that will be difficult to get out of….MAS DIFICIL #spanish

You’re in a delicate spot with your parents right now and the LAST THING you should do is jeopardize their trust for you. Realize that they don’t hate you or think you’re wrong or dumb. They’re terrified for you, they love you and they think that the decisions you’ve made will hurt you in the end. Also, they are concerned for your safety, which is why they want to know WHERE YOU ARE and WHO YOU ARE WITH…DO NOT give them another reason to think you have ‘TOTALLY CHANGED EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING GIRLZZZZZ’ …you are still you and you have to work on getting your relationship with your parents back to a comfortable spot. 

Maybe you and a friend can plan a trip to CITY and you can stay with your boo? You’re still going to CITY with FRIEND, your girlf just also HAPPENS TO LIVE THERE….It’s not the most honest way to handle things, but I understand being totally overwhelmed and convinced the truth will only make things worse. There has to be somewhere in between that won’t make it so you are a total liar, you know?

Kristin Says:

Aw, shit.  This is a tough one.  Here is the thing…I really want for you to see your girlfriend.  I also really, really want you to be able to do that without breaking your parents’ trust. 

It sounds like flying home is where your girlfriend is at, so if you flew home and didn’t tell them…you would be in the same town that your parents live in without them knowing and that is TOTALLY TERRIFYING.  You would have to like, remain indoors at all times and you would probably poop with panic just going to get a sandwich, which is really not enjoyable.

The eighteen-year-old in me wants to just say, “FUCK IT, GO FOR IT AND ENJOY IT UNTIL THE SHIT HITS THE FAN,” but the thirty-year-old in me has a much louder voice, and one that is informed by lying to my own parents about things in college and high school, and finding out that it always, always ends in a bigger mess than necessary.

If there is any possible way that you can tell your parents that you want to come home, but that one of the nights you are there you will be going out with some friends for a birthday party, or some other near-to-close version of the truth, I would go that route.  If that is absolutely not feasible at all, I would say the following:

Go with your gut.  If you absolutely must lie to your parents and must see this girl, then you have to be ready for the consequences.  If you lie and you get caught, you have to be able to understand their loss of trust in you, and you should also do your best to communicate that you love them, that you are sorry, and that all you want is to be able to tell them all the things about your life…but you are unable to do that because they are unable to allow you the room to be yourself.