-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Picture him pooping. 

Kristin Says:

Ask him if you can take a picture of him holding a sign that says, “Kittens are ugly and so is your mom,” and then put it in the from part of your wallet. Every time you look at him and start to swoon, look at the picture and remember HE CAN’T BE CUTE IF HE THINKS KITTENS ARE UGLY.

#suspendeddisbelief

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

hahahahaahahahhahahahaha. 

It’s funny that you trust me to answer this.

Be yourself, shoot some hoops and show off your skills. Wear axe body spray and dance with your friends. LET THE LADIES COME TO YOU.

Kristin Says:

“Shoot some hoops.” -Dannielle Owens-Reid

I have one piece of advice, and I am going to narrate it through a story:

A whole bunch of years ago, I was out at a lesbian bar doing my THANG, dancing, drinking and being merry. Many hours into the night, a girl decided to buy me a drink. I was totally into the idea. After she handed me the drink, she went back to sit with her friends (which I thought was odd, but maybe her bait-the-girl-and-wait-move…). I turned to my friend and took a sip of the gifted-drink. My face instantly contorted in disgust. This was CERTAINLY not my usual vodka tonic.

“What IS this?!” I asked my friend in horror. Perhaps she had misheard me and gotten me a vodka soda? This was one horrible vodka soda, if that was the case. I instructed my friend to take a sip, hoping she could decipher what gross combination of liquids were housed in the glass. She instantly recoiled, saying “UGH! Gross. I don’t know what that is, just go back to the bar and explain. They’ll make you a new drink.”

So, back to the bar I went, making sure my drink-buyer didn’t see that I was horrified by whatever she had purchased for me. “Excuse me, I think this was supposed to be a vodka tonic, but I am not sure WHAT it is… do you mind maybe making me another drink?” The bartender, curious, took the drink and sniffed it. She looked back up at me and countered flatly, “This is a glass of water.”

You guys.

It was water. It was a glass of water. What’s more… I came to find out later that I had asked for a glass of water. I HAD ASKED FOR A GLASS OF WATER AND WAS SO DRUNK THAT I FORGOT AND ALSO FOUND WATER TO BE AS HORRIFIC AS A GLASS OF POOP.

I don’t even remember what happened after that, but I know that I never saw the girl again. So. My suggestion is: Don’t drink too much. Have fun, drink water between alcoholic beverages, and remember that too many drinks just leaves you being a fool like Kristin in 2001.

Dannielle Says: 

Last night was the first time in my life I legit thought I was about to be murdered. You guys, I can’t explain to you the room that Kristin, Sloan and I almost had to sleep in…but I can tell you this..

After we decided to leave the murder room, we were putting stuff in the car and heading to what we hoped would be safety and not an alternate universe where we were still in the murder room… but anyway, we were putting stuff in the car, I was loading the trunk and Kristin and Sloan were waiting on me to unlock the doors and i hear two tiny faint screams and then FROM ABOVE MY SELF A LEG THE SIZE OF A TREE TRUCK DESENDS UPON ME AND I SCREAM IN A WAY I HAVE NEVER LET MY FACE MOUTH SOUND. I literally, in my mind, i can’t you guys, this leg was attached to a demon that was going to slice my head off. I almost pooped my pants. Then after my terror I look up and it’s just a boy running and he was like ‘UH, SORRY’ and i stood frozen for at least 12 seconds before i screamed ‘OH MY GOD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE.’

Kristin Says:

YOU GUYS. LET IT BE KNOWN THAT THERE IS THE MOST HAUNTED ROOM IN ALL THE WORLD LOCATED IN OSWEGO, NY. LET. IT. BE. FUCKING. KNOWN.

We walked in the room and the first thing we saw was a lamp SLASH demon-summoner and an oaken-type wardrobe thing SLASH where you keep dead bodies. Then we walked more into the room and saw A GIANT MIRROR THAT MOST CERTAINLY HAD THE ABILITY TO SUCK YOUR WHOLE SELF INSIDE OF IT WITH ITS TERROR. 

Then Dannielle went to pee and came screaming out of the bathroom, saying, “OH MY GOD THE SHOWER CURTAIN SOMEONE PLEASE CHECK BEHIND IT BC THERE IS A MURDERER BEHIND IT IM SURE!” So I tried to push the curtain back but couldn’t because I knew it would end in my bloody death… 

Then a few other things happened which mostly involved all of us screaming and me gasping for breath and us running to the car (WHERE WE WERE ALMOST KILLED BY A DEMON DEMENTOR FLOATY THING THAT TURNED OUT TO JUST BE A BOY) and getting a hotel in Syracuse.

Lastly, here is a blurry picture of Sloan and I screaming on the bed by the mirror. Be careful, because I am certain that at any moment all of our souls can be sucked right into that picture slash mirror:

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

no? yes? I dunno, I’m not friends with the genderqueer police. 

Here’s what I think about identity…I don’t get it… I don’t understand the need for a label, I don’t understand the need for a gender and a sexuality and how those things correlate, I don’t understand why we all constantly fight about the ‘right way’ to be a certain identity. I just don’t get it. I think, the way you identify is the way you identify, regardless of the way you look or act or smell or poop. You are who you are because that is who you are… right?

The fact of the matter is, every word associated with identity has about 4 million different definitions. I know that we perceive certain identities a certain way, but when it comes down to it, nothing is black and white and however you identify is correct. What matters most is how you feel. If you feel comfortable and confident in who you are, who cares what you call it, ya know? If anyone questions you tell them to come and talk to me… *makes mean face*

Kristin Says:

Dude. No. NO YOU DON’T HAVE TO CUT YOUR HAIR TO BE GENDERQUEER.

I’m sorry for yelling. It’s not meant to scold you it’s just that… well, it’s just that I wish that it was made clearer to all of you out there that identity is something that is personal to who we are and how we feel, and not affected by the way we present or what other people perceive of us.

Now, sure, I make jokes about my proclivity for cats and converse in relation to the word “lesbian” and that I date ladies… but I am also fully aware that the word “lesbian” doesn’t quite sum me up, and that if I wore different shoes and didn’t like animals, I could still like ladies just as much.

Genderqueer means different things to different people, but ultimately what we are talking about is the fact that the labels of GIRL and BOY don’t make sense to you or how you feel in this world. Which makes sense to me because GIRL and BOY are, in many ways, just made-up labels themselves. The length of your hair ain’t got nuthin’ to do with it.

Plus, Jesus had long hair and was totally gender-queer.

(Leviticus 14)

(Totally Kidding)

(Everyone Calm Down)

(Happy Friday)

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

1. Line the hallway with teddy bears. 

2. Ask on the JumboTron at a KNICKS game. 

3. Plan a cute vacation and don’t propose while you’re there, but when you get home be like ‘oh yea btw, will you be my man-wife’

4. Use the term ‘man-wife’

5. Tie the ring to the collar of someone else’s dog and then pretend you’re being attacked by said dog, your boyf will come to the rescue and damn WILL HE BE SURPRISED! 

6. Get a semi-local-celebrity (think car dealership owner or future city councilman) to propose on your behalf. 

7. Bake the ring into a pie.

8. Give him a mood ring and say ‘can we be bff’ and when he looks at you like you’re a goon, be like ‘JAYKAY YALL and give him a sparkly ring for marriage time.

Kristin Says:

1. HAHAHAHAHA BAKE THE RING INTO A PIE. BAKE. THE. FUCKING. RING. INTO. A. FUCKING. PIE.

2. Be like, “Hey want to hear my new rap?” and then have your friend pop out of the bushes and start beat-boxing and then be like, “Hey yo boy, you’re my toy, but now I’d like, to take a hike, down the aisle, for all the mile (s).” Then get down on one knee.

3. Scream really loudly like this: “AHHHHHHHHHHH OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!” and when he’s like, “omg are you ok what’s going on,” be like, “Everything is fine, I just thought that would be a fun way to start a proposal story,” and when he’s like, “What?” … get down on one knee and do your thang.

4. Take him cliff diving and just as he takes his jump shout down, “WILL YOU MARRRY ME THOOOOO?”

5. Ask him while he’s pooping.

6. Take him to dinner and then for a walk around the park, and when no one is around and all you can hear is the crickets, take his hands into yours and ask him if he will spend forever with you. When you get home, show him this post and tell him he should be really happy you didn’t chose option #5

7. Cut and paste all of your and his favorite celebrities heads on a piece of paper with the heading, “People who want you to say yes.” Hand him the card and when he looks confused, ask him to marry your fool ass.

8. When you get into bed and you are spooning him real good, wrap your arms around him so that you are holding the ring in front of his face in bed. From behind him, whisper into his ear, “Will you please marry me?”

The end.