-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I wish we were best friends so I could sit across from you at Chili’s and ask you a million questions. BECAUSE IT COULD BE SO MANY DIFFERENT THINGS. 

Maybe you’re no longer attracted to the person you’re with, maybe you’ve grown out of sexi-time AS YOU KNOW IT, maybe you’re so busy and tired that your priorities have changed, maybe you’ve had sexies but it took too long so you feel like it’s a waste of time and you’re just over it for now. 

It could be a million things, but I THINK YOU SHOULD FIGURE IT OUT. Especially if you’re like ‘i’m not into sexitime, but i sure do MISS being into sexitime.’ It’s like, our tastebuds change every seven years…so, maybe our sexibuds change too? AAAND if you’re in a relationship, talk to your BALLnCHAIN about it. Maybe the two of you will come up with new things to try to make it fun again. Who knows. 

ON THE OTHER HAND. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re less-than or weird for not being into sexi times. We all have different wants and needs and if you’re just not into it, you’re not and that’s completely fine and normal and wonderful and you rule. 

Kristin Says:

I agree - I think this is really a question of if you are unhappy with sex not appealing to you at the moment or if you are just like “IS IT WEIRD THAT RIGHT NOW I’M NOT INTO BONIN’?”

I second Dannielle - if you want to know if it is okay that you aren’t into visiting sexytown, USA right now, hell yea it is! Some of us have a permanent passport to sexytown and would move there if they offered permanent residencies, others of us like to visit sometimes, and then some of us are like, ‘nah, not interested.’ Those are all acceptable approaches to sex unless you feel upset by those desires (or lack of desires).

If you want to be more into sex than you are, I say try the fake it til you make it approach. A lot of times, the thought of doin’ it can be overshadowed by outside stress, by underlying emotions, or just by things like “Ugh it will take so long and I have to cook dinner.” When you feel hesitation, try just DOIN IT instead. Sometimes the act of doin’ it gets your brain turned on more than the thought of doin’ it. #doinitdoinitdoinitwell

If you try that and you are still unhappy with the results, I would turn to your brain and ask it for some explanation. Nine times out of ten* we have something emotionally going on in our brains that blocks out other desires. Perhaps there are things making you unhappy in your relationship that need attention. Perhaps you are miserable at work and it is affecting other parts of your life. Dig in there and root out the negative. Usually while you are digging you find your passport to sexytown buried in the mess.

*not an actual statistic

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

I think it feels different for every human? I’ve only made it past the honeymoon phase, like, once in my entire life. I haven’t had many relationships make it past 6 or 7 months, TO BE HONEST. 

For me, the one time I got past the honeymoon phase, it didn’t really stop. Sure, things were more routine, we got in a few fights, things were a little more serious, etc. BUT I would still be like ‘omg you’re so cute’ and I would think she was a funny little idiot and I wanted to hear about her day and I wanted to giggle and I loved seeing movies and none of that ever went away. 

I think your feelings become deeper and they mean something more, but I don’t think the honeymoon feelings are every supposed to go away? Maybe I’m wrong, but technically it’s an opinion so I CAN’T BE WRONG. BOOM. 

Your feelings will mean different things. Instead of thinking your boo is perfect, you love her because of her imperfections. Instead of thinking she does nothing wrong, you talk through the mistakes you’ve both made and come to a compromise that makes you both happy. Instead of going out to dinner, you start to love when she cooks for you. Instead of her watching the shows you love, you watch the stupid shows she loves. Things change, but it’s for the better. The honeymoon phase is over, but everything is still the greatest. 

Kristin Says:

I agree and I think that a lot of people have an opinion of what is “supposed to happen” after the initial falling-in-love-and-getting-googly-eyed part of a relationship is over. A lot of us think it’s okay if some of the magic goes away or if we don’t keep up with date nights or if we start to talk less about our feelings or the love notes taper, etc…

I whole-heartedly disagree.

I think that as the honeymoon stage wears off, a relationship definitely requires more work and more attention - but I think that those feelings of overwhelming love should remain, and I also think that every effort should remain to keep the little (but huge) elements of care and love present.

What should it feel like? I don’t know how to answer that since we all process things differently, but I can tell you what it has felt like for me and you can take from it what you will. For me, it feels like a love that is so much more nuanced and so much deeper than an initial honeymoon phase, but with those elements of EEEEILOVEYOU woven in to the overall picture. It feels like something that is fragile in places that need care, and strong as hell in the places that keep us together. It feels like a journey that is filled with certainty, though also peppered with doubts and confusions that comes with life’s ups and downs.

It feels good to wake up together and good to go to sleep together and good to make breakfast together and good to buy new shoes together, and sometimes you cry and maybe sometimes you yell… but the overall and underlying feeling should be wonderful, challenging, and ever-changing.

- Question submitted by fluffynoodle

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Dannielle Says: 

It’s so weird because my instinct is to let you know you’re not a jerk and you can’t help how you feel. I mean, what are you supposed to do?? You can’t fake feelings and you can’t continue a relationship wherein you’re not happy! 

I think, if I were you, I’d be as honest as possible. We all know there’s a point in a new relationship where you talk about past relationships. WHEN THAT MOMENT COMES, BE HONEST. Instead of saying ‘yea it just didn’t work out,’ tell the truth. Your feelings faded and you have no idea why, things weren’t fun and exciting anymore, you didn’t see yourself with the person and it seemed unfair to continue dating. 

In some cases, people will be like, “wait, you got bored and gave up” and then they’ll make judgements about you based on your past. Anytime someone makes a judgement about you based on something in the past, things don’t turn out well. In other cases, people will be like, “that’s happened to me before, here’s to hoping we’re not one of THOSE couples” and then you’ll giggle and make out and maybe that relationship will last a lot longer than you thought. 

If you’re totally over a relationship and you’re being kind and thoughtful, you’re doing all the right things. If you’re at the beginning of a relationship and you’re being totally honest, you’re also doing all the right things. 

Kristin Says:

I think there might be a little more going on here than just “all of a sudden getting bored.” I mean - if you had this happen once, then I would have different advice… but you are explaining this as a pattern that continues to happen, so I think that this warrants some self-reflection.

I agree with Dannielle’s advice on what to do when you are in that situation - be honest, be honest, be honest.

However, what kind of factors lead you into those relationships in the first place? Are you considering the things that you like and want in a relationship when you first enter into one? Are you more concerned with having SOMEBODY to snuggle / makeout / etc with and so therefore putting a little less focus on the longterm things that keep love going? What, exactly, makes you feel bored? Is it the conversations? The sex? The attraction? All of it?

Here’s something to notice: When you described your relationships you said you always “make them really happy,” but… you didn’t say anything about you being happy.

I know that you don’t often turn to an advice site to get asked more questions… so I apologize. However, this is a situation that is bigger than simply being honest with others - this is a situation where you should challenge yourself to be honest with… yourself. Reflect on things. Journal at the start, the middle, and the end of your next relationship. Pay attention to the specifics and start to really pull them apart. 

Relationships are an incredible way to get insight into some of the things happening in your brain and heart and head. Be honest. Be kind. Reflect. Work. You will figure it out and things will become a lot clearer and easier to navigate over time.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

Make sure they both know your intentions. The WORST THING YOU CAN DO is get mad after you haven’t explained yourself (i’ve totally done this). It’s like, you spend all this time with your booboohoneykissmouth and then one day you’re like ‘hey i need to cancel our date to hang out with LILAC’ and booboohoneykisskiss is like ‘wait… we’ve had this date planned can’t you hang out another time’ and you’re like ‘I NEVER SEE LILAC BC I’M ALWAYS WITH YOU I’M GOING BYE’ … Then you’re in a huge fight and nothing is resolved and you feel awful all the time. You guys, i’ve literally experienced this 100 times. 

SO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR REAL IS, tell your booboohoneykisskiss how important your bff is to you. Literally just say, “Hey, LILAC is super important to me and if I don’t spend enough time with her I start to go a little cray cray, so I’m probably gonna be hanging out with her alot” and if booboo is like, “is it because you don’t like spending time with me” SIMPLY EXPLAIN that it has nothing to do with her and your bff time is totally separate. I mean, let’s be real, you probably talk about how amazing booboo is the whole time anyway, AMIRIGHT?! 

Do the same thing with LILAC, explain that you’re REALLY INTO BOOBOOHONEYKISSKISS and you’re sorry if you get sidetracked. Tell her it’s totally okay to text you and say ‘HI I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU IN ONE WEEK AND I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOUR LIFE COME OVER AND WATCH MEAN GIRLS.’ Ya know? Give her that, let her reel you back in when you’ve started to be a bad friend. If you’re clear with your intentions, everyone will feel a lot better and you’ll be able to manage both sides1..i mean !

Kristin Says:

First of all, I formally reject the nickname booboohoneykisskiss.

Second of all, I think USUALLY what happens in this situation is that BFF gets less time than usual because you are busy having dreamy-eyes and cupid wings and things. That is normal to a point, and I always give my BFFs a grace period of about 4 - 6 months of googly eyes before I take it personally that they aren’t paying as much attention to me.

HOWEVER I AM VERY UNDERSTANDING. So. Whether you are in regular-relationship-ville or googly-eyes-town, do these three things to keep the peace:

1. Have a night every week - TUESDAY, for example - where you go out with just your BFF. It is so important for us to have solo time with our besties, and any booboohoney good partner will understand the need for that time. Also have a night every week - THURSDAY, for example - that is always date night with your boo.

2. Include BFF in things that also include your boo (or vice versa). This doesn’t mean bring BFF along for date night without any forewarning. It means that a few times a month, at least, you should go to parties or gatherings with BOTH humans and/or make a movie & popcorn night with them if you don’t go to parties… you know?

3. When you hang with BFF, don’t only talk about all the love-town moments you have recently had with (UGH FINE) BOOBOOHONEYKISSKISS. Talk about your relationship, absolutely, but ask BFF how they are, giggle about memories, talk about other things going on in both your lives, etc.

In my opinion, this is a fail-proof plan of making sure that both parties get enough time with you and don’t feel overlooked. Just keep it consistent!

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Anything is possible, but also everything is different for every human all of the time. I don’t know what too attached means to you, but chances are if you’re feeling like you’ve lost a part of yourself, you probably have. 

I always suggest making time for yourself REGARDLESS OF HOW YOU FEEL. I know in the beginning it’s all boo all the time, but you can’t do that forever or you’ll completely lose yourself and you’ll blame your booboobear (subconsciously, of course). 

You can be as attached or involved as you wanna be as long as you take some time for you. Just a few hours a day or a couple days a week or whatever, get back in touch with your emotions and what not, you know? Humans are soooo difficult, we have to work super hard to understand ourselves, why we do what we do, why we are who we are, why we react the way we react, etc. We are always changing and we have to take that time to grow and understand ourselves. WHICH YOU CAN DO IN A RELATIONSHIP if you take the time to actually do it. So, TAKE THE TIME OR I’LL FIGHT YOU. 

Kristin Says:

Yes, yes, YES - you absolutely can be too involved in your relationship and HERE’S WHAT’S TRICKY: a lot of times you can’t even tell that you need “you” time because you get so used to having all boo-time all the time.

Personally, I think that it should be a relationship rule (A Ruleationship) that you have at least (AT LEAST!!!) one night every week to yourselves. I am the first one to be like BUT I MISSSSS YOU BUT I LOOOOOVE YOU BUT WAH WAH WAH, but let me tell you what… anytime that I take that time alone, I wind up having such an incredible evening. 

No matter who we are or how we operate, we all need to sit in the silence that comes from time with ourselves. It is during that time when our brains finally begin to unwind, to think the thoughts that have been hidden underneath all of the to-dos and the immediate needs and plans and STUFF. When we take several hours to sit and be with ourselves, we become bigger and better people.

Sometimes it is easier to do what we know and to spend all of our time in the comfort and presence of the person or people we love the most. Remind yourself diligently that this time is wonderful and valuable, but that you shouldn’t lose track of who you are when you are just YOU.

#youyouyouyouyouyou

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

Well, if this is Demi Lovato, asking if she should date me. Then my opinion is YES DEMI LOVATO YOU SHOULD DATE ME. 

If it is anyone else on earth asking about anyone else on earth… BE CAREFUL. I always hate it so much when someone is like ‘YOU’RE ONLY SIXTEEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE FEELING’ because that is not true at all. Of course someone who’s sixteen knows what they’re feeling! The same way someone who’s 40 knows what they’re feeling! 

I think you know what you’re feeling and you know what you wanna do. I also know what it’s like to be in a relationship with someone who is in a totally different place in their life. REGARDLESS OF AGE, we all go through certain stages and sometimes it’s REALLY EFFING HARD to make it work. With any relationship communication is key. Talk to this older woman about what she expects from the relationship and what her feelings are about your age. Chances are she’s swept up in your cuteness and doesn’t care (same goes for you). Ask her about her life, her goals, her future, everything. Don’t avoid the important relationship stuff because you’re afraid you’ll mess it up. It’s important to know. 

If you’re about to graduate high school and experience “freedom” for the first time and you’re dating a woman who is ready to have a second child, THESE ARE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW. PLEASE TALK ABOUT THEM. Be safe, check in with yourself, and follow your heart. 

ps: Demi, get at me girl. 

Kristin Says:

First: please don’t say prease.

Second: relationships generally don’t hinge on age as much as they hinge on maturity and expectations. If you are excited to have a ROMP with a lady who is much older, and all you want is a ROMP and all she wants is a ROMP and it’s consensual and fun - have at it! If, however, you both want to fall in love and date - that is when you have to weigh in the maturity and expectation levels.

If GOLDENGIRL (the older lady) is 42 and likes long walks on the beach and watching reruns of The Cosby show, and you are 18 and you like partying with your friends and watching reruns of Hannah Montana… you see where there might be an issue with conflicting interests. 

As with anything else, I echo Dannielle in the “talk about it” advisement. Entering into any sort of relationship should always come with a good dose of communication. What’s more, take things slow and listen to that little voice in the back of your brain-head. Most times when we are falling head over heels for someone, there’s either a little voice that’s like OMG OMG THIS IS SO AWESOME orrrr that’s like HEY HEY WAIT THIS PROBABLY ISN’T RIGHT. We are very talented as a species at ignoring the HEYHEYWAIT voice, so I would urge you to listen in and follow those instincts, even if it means walking out of Cougar Town so that you can be yourself and connect with someone who is more aligned with your interests.