Dear Gaybeans,

We came across this advice given by a Tumblr user named datebynumbers, and we thought that it was incredibly beautiful. Today, in lieu of advice from us, we’d like to share this with you all. Enjoy. xx K&D

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“He’s gone now. I gave him a second chance and he still chose to ignore me in the long run. He promised he wasn’t “that guy”. I know it makes room for someone better, but I don’t think he’s out there. My faith is gone. Please, big sister from the Internet, tell me something to make it better.”

datebynumbers says:

I want to tell you real quick about my bike. I get on that bike when I’m sick and dizzy and lost in my head, I get on that bike and the world changes.  It’s all ascents and descents, dusty turns and tailwinds, howling into the ether like the only thing that matters is not falling off because it is the only thing that matters. And I feel like I’m going to explode into a million shredded pieces of metal and carbon and bones and blood, but I sit back, crouch down and breathe deep into the calm and ride the wind like diving into the sea. In those hours, I am invincible. I am untouchable. I am cut and lean and hard and fast. I’m not heartbroken or fearful of being lonely.  I am not alone at all.  When I am on that bike, I am everything I wanted to be when I was little, choosing tackle over touch, choosing battle over tattle. And with my hair pinned back, dressed in kitten heels and a soft pink dress, you can still see the bike grease on my hands and the scars all over my legs from sloppy dismounts and nasty falls. I wear my scars like a topographic map of my life. This is not a highway, this is a story of lush valleys and ice-picked mountain passes. The highs and lows of hospital beds and sail bags, and I don’t want to look tidy and pretty and clean. I don’t want to look like someone would be lucky to have me, I want to look like someone would be lucky to survive me. I don’t ride the wind; I am the wind and I am carving my topography with brushstrokes both delicate and bold.

So when I think about falling in love, I also think about all the things that happened because I wasn’t in love, because there was no one to ask me to stay. I think about blasting down a mountain pass on a bike the same weight as my cat. I think about how I moved to the Virgin Islands and raised $100,000 for kids before becoming a stowaway. I picked ‘shrooms and danced at a rave ‘til my shoes disappeared over the edge of the speedboat we took home. I made out with German journalists, Irish kiteboarders, ship captains and pool boys. I ran the southern perimeter of Manhattan at midnight. I rode on the back of a motorcycle through the streets of Florence as the sun came up, singing loud enough to hear it over the muffler, both hands in the air.  I got a cat, got an apartment, got a dye job, got a nose ring, got a tattoo, got a tattoo addiction, got a promotion, got a plane ticket, got a tan, got a blog, got a life. And it’s not that I couldn’t have done these things if I was in love, but it would have been different. It would have been safer. And regardless of whomever I’m with for whatever amount of time, I’ll be with myself the whole time and I want to be good to her.  I want her to have a heart like an ocean: endlessly vast, full of wonder, and navigable only by the brave.  I want her to wake up in the biggest, empty bed and stretch like a cat, taking all the space just because she can. I want her to have control of her happiness. I want her happiness to be her own… to be my own.

So let me tell you a little something about that “someone better”, because that’s within your control. That someone better can be you. The squalor of heartbreak will rip through you, tearing down all the old walls and ideas and misconceptions about how love looks and feels, but when you clear the debris, you see all the best parts of you that weathered the storm.  You see all the parts that you built before him, survived him, and do not belong to him.  You will see yourself.  And you will make her better. 

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Slowly and carefully. 

It’s a hard thing to master, being totally okay and happy with how wonderful you actually are after someone has convinced you otherwise. It’s hard and confusing and scary and weird and uncomfortable. All of the feelings associated with where you are right now are SUPER negative. Which is kind of great because you’re feeling SO TERRIBLE that tiny good things feel like GIANT good things… I give the worst advice. 

Allow time to do it’s job. You can’t get back into it immediately, even if you REALLY REALLY want to, you’re just not there yet. I’m not telling you to sit at home alone and cry, but just realize when you DO try to go out with someone and you’re totally not feeling it, that’s okay. It’s more than okay, it’s expected. Take that time and allow yourself to have a few shitty dates with some people you only sort of like, it’ll happen how and when it’s supposed to happen. 

Take time to remember all the millions of reasons someone might fall in love with you. Fall in love with yourself all over again. It sounds sooo cheesy and dumb, but I’M SERIOUS. Write, draw, swim, read, ride your bike, cook, play your guitar, organize your closet, do things for you just because you WANT to do them. Recognize the things you’re REALLY good at doing and brush your shoulders off. 

You’re literally the best. Once you remember how fucking amazing you are, you’ll be more than open to sharing that amazing you with another human. 

Kristin Says:

Well, first things first - it is important to understand the difference between your ex ACTUALLY destroying you and the FEELING that your ex has destroyed you. I promise you this: unless your ex is a dark lord who carries unearthly powers and has cast a spell on you that even Hermoine can’t break… your ex has not actually destroyed you. In fact, your ex doesn’t have any power over you that isn’t able to be taken back by you, when you’re ready and able.

So, then, the goal here is to get you ready and able to get yourself back - and Dannielle said it perfectly: you do that slowly, carefully, and by focusing on the things that you enjoy. 

I was once in a relationship for five years, and when it ended I was (or felt like I was) completely destroyed. It took me an entire year to begin to pick up the pieces. I had days during that year where I forgot my pain, I laughed, I talked with friends. I had days where I couldn’t do anything but drag myself to work and back home again. I had days where my laughter turned suddenly into a hurt that I couldn’t explain, and I had to excuse myself from the room to regain my composure. The good days increased slowly and, eventually, I looked up at work and saw a girl and thought, “Hey… I could totally mash my mouth on her mouth and like it.” That was the beginning of the bend back toward my life. Soon thereafter, I made out with some people — sometimes it was awesome and sometimes it made me a little sad. Then I met someone who I fell in love with… and now I look back on that time and it feels a hundred bagillion years ago.

Such is life.

Patience, perseverance, and faith. You’ve got this.

Trust us.

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

You have to talk to FRIENDSIE (yr friend). 

I mean, I’m not sure if you went out of your way to say you friend was queer bc like… you think they have a crush on you?? Or maybe you were like ‘i have to say they are queer bc this is everyoneisgay.com’ WHICH ISN’T TRUE WE ANSWER QUESTIONS FROM EVERYONE AND THIS APPLIES TO ALL TYPES OF PEOPLE. 

First off, be sensitive. You don’t totally know why FRIENDSIE is being jealous, maybe they have a crush on you, maybe they feel like you’re changing, maybe they feel super left out, maybe your booz have been jerks in the past, maybe FRIENDSIE is feeling protective, YOU JUST DON’T KNOW. So, approach with sensitivity. 

Second, be direct. This is one of those things you can’t be passive about. If you say “sooo.. do you wanna talk about anything” you’re just being dumb. Literally say “Hey, i feel kind of weird about US when I start new relationships, can we talk about it?” AND THEN TALK ABOUT IT. 

Third, make sure you aren’t completely isolating yourself just because you’re into a new thing with a new human. We get caught up in boo-time and we ALL have a tendency to shut out our friends a tiny bit… DON’T DO THAT. Pay attention, center yourself, find a balance, etc. You can totally have both.

Kristin Says:

Wonderful and sound advice from my colleague, Dannielle.
#colleague #colleagueoftheirown #ginadavis

I agree, this has to be addressed - BUT ALSO I have a few things you might want to try if you are having trouble facing things head on right at this very moment.

A lot of times, besties feel upset when there is a new boo in town because they feel inadequate or insecure. FRIENDSIE might feel like her jokes aren’t as funny as your new boo’s jokes, or that you won’t need advice when you get mad at your parents anymore because you have your boo to listen to all of your worries.

Take time out to let FRIENDSIE know that she is needed. Don’t do it in a dramatic way where she knows you are just “trying to make he feel better,” but actually spend time with her and during that time let her know how much she means to you. Let her know that sometimes you can’t open up to your boo the way you open up to FRIENDSIE because FRIENDSIE knows you so well, and has known you for so long. Little things like that might help FRIENDSIE get back on track.

That all said, our relationships with anyone, romantic or otherwise, always flail when they aren’t honest. You can try the above and see if that helps a bit… but if you are still feeling upset, you should really scroll back up there and follow Dannielle’s very well-thought-out advice. 

PS: If FRIENDSIE is crushin’ on you and that’s the issue, that’s a different post for a different day and GOOD LUCK…

- Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I imagine if you REALLY like someone, you probably aren’t asking yourself this question?? I mean, we all have fears when starting something new, and maybe there’s a piece of your brain/heart that is trying to protect you from really feeling stuff…BUT YOU GUYS, you can usually tell what your true feelings are even if you don’t want to be feeling them. 

Take a step back and think about what you really want. It’s okay to date someone because they like you, there’s nothing wrong with that, you know? All kinds of relationships start for all kinds of reasons and it’s totally alright if the two of you aren’t on the exact same page, BUT it’s important that you’re at least honest with yourself. 

You don’t want to get into a situation where you’re not that into it and POPSICLE (your boo) is totally into it and you end up leading them on for like a hundred years (exaggeration) and you’ll both end up getting hurt. Take it one day at a time and remember it’s not a terrible thing to enjoy the way it feels to be liked. You’re cool, just don’t take advantage of the situation and always be open with your feels.

Kristin Says:

Make a list.

I think that there are a lot of things that are hard to sift through when it comes to feelings, but I think this question is at least partially solvable by sitting down with a pen and some paper (I’m old fashioned like that), and writing down the words: “Things I like about POPSICLE.” Then, just make a list. Don’t think. Put the tiny things and the big things, the superficial things and the meaningful, the complex and the silly. Now, look at your list…

If your list is chock-full of things that point back toward you (I like the way he tells me I have beautiful eyes), then this MIGHT be about you liking the feeling of being liked — BUT ALSO HOLD UP. There’s one more step. If you like the way he compliments your eyeballs because you like that compliment and you like people telling you nice things, then this might be a situation of you not being too into him. If, however, you think about other people giving you that same compliment and it doesn’t feel the same — if the way he looks at you is different from how others look at you and the HIM looking at you or HIM talking to you is integral to the feeling good… then you probably like him.

We all like the feeling of being liked. That is a critical component of liking someone, they like you back and you like the way the whole kit’n kaboodle of feelings feels. #feelfeelfeel The hinge is found in how that particular person plays a role within those feelings. If you aren’t moved by the way they smile when they talk to you, if your knees don’t feel a little wobbly from time to time because of the way they, specifically, hold your hand, those are items worthy of further reflection.

- Question submitted by onetwo4u

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Dannielle Says: 

I was totally in a relationship like this once. It was so weird for because I don’t fight. It’s not WITHIN me to fight a lot. I get over stuff pretty easily, not much upsets me, and i have a pretty great ability to see both sides of a situation. I like to talk things out, I like to figure out compromise, and I don’t mind admitting i’m wrong (but also i’m never wrong). 

HOWEVER, everyone is not like me. The girl I dated liked to fight. She’d grown up with parents who fought constantly, and that was the only way the two of them could figure their shit out. That is what she was used to and i guess that’s fine!? It wasn’t something I could deal with and ultimately we didn’t last. BUT I THINK that we all different human beings and we all work things out in a way that works for us. If this doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t and that’s all there is to it. Chances are if it isn’t working for you, it isn’t working for her. 

I have friends who fight all the time and every single time they fight I can literally see them growing closer and getting stronger as a couple. When I was fighting all the time, I felt weak, worthless, and stupid. It’s all about you, your feels and your relationship. If it isn’t what you want, it isn’t what you want and that is totally okay. 

Kristin Says:

I think that your question contains your answer. I read you saying, “I don’t feel good about this. I don’t want it to be like this. I disagree with my girlfriend, and I don’t want to fight this much anymore.” You are sick of fighting, and you don’t think that your fights are a productive means of becoming healthier as a couple. So, listen to your own answer: you are fighting too much, it is unhealthy, and you should probably consider either a) finding alternative ways to handle the things that are making you fight (if that is at all possible) or b) what it would look like to leave the relationship and seek out someone who you are more compatible with.

Some people are talkers, fighters, screamers… I happen to be one of them. I don’t mind a good fight or a good cry, and I do think that a lot can be gained from a little verbal sbarring and maybe even a door slam here and there. The thing about fighting, though, is that it should never, ever be the central point of your relationship. If the first thing that comes to your mind when you think about your boo is “we fight a lot,” THAT AIN’T GOOD.

Hold your ground and talk to your girlfriend about this issue. Tell her you need to look at the reasons why you are fighting and see if there is a way around them. Work hard, and work together, at talking through things, finding patience, and giving space in the moments when you want to break all the dishes. See if you are able to work toward a place where fighting happens less. If, in a month, things are exactly where they are today… you should probably get out of the relationship. There is no “norm” in terms of the behavior within relationships, because we are all very different people — but there is one thing that should always be consistent: you should be happy much, much more than you are upset, even while you are working toward being healthier and happier people.