-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Listen. This has happened to me multiple times. One time I didn’t talk to my friend for two days bc I was so mad about something she’d done in my dream… More recently, I had a dream my best friend in the world stole my favorite pants and bejeweled the back pockets. I WAS PISSED. I’m not wearing bejeweled pants, you know?? I ignored her for two hours and then finally scream texted her about my pants and we made jokes and it was fine. 

I think you should tell her about your dream and if you scream text her that’s totally okay. It was just a dream, you know? That’s not actually how you feel and as long as you’re okay communicating that to her, you should say something. BECAUSE LIKE, if you scream ‘I HAD A DREAM I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU AND NOW I FEEL WEIRD’ you’re opening up the door for jokes. Once you can joke about it, you’ll feel a lot better. 

On the other side of this whole thing, if you don’t yell and joke about this you’re going to feel weird forever… so you have no choice. GOOD LUCK NERD. 

Kristin Says:

Yeaaaaaaah, you gotta just tell her. IT’S JUST A DREAM YOU GUYS.  Last night I dreamt that Dannielle and I invented styrofoam… you know?!

My suggestion for a great comedic delivery would be to dramatically hit pause the next time you are watching your favorite roomie show together, keep your eyes focused on the TV and scream, “I DREAMT ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH YOU AND I AM REALLY SORRY AHHHHHHHHHHH,” and during the extended “AHHHHHHHH” get up and run around the couch in circles with your arms flailing.

-Question submitted by whatdykeslike

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Dannielle Says: 

EW. EW. EW. GET RID OF HER. 

You guys, this is gross and not okay and you have to talk to her or I’ll be so mad at you and I’ll never come over. 

You can do a few things (1) have a family meeting where you and other roommate say ‘hey you can’t keep doing THESE SPECIFIC THINGS (2) Start a chore chart where everyone is responsible for their own areas, and certain people clean certain things SLASH dishes can’t be in the sink for more than a day (3) ask her to move out. 

You have to like where you live and everyone has to deal with messy roommates, but that shit is just unacceptable. If you don’t talk to her a ball of hate will form in your heart and you won’t be able to get rid of it and you’ll hate her forever. Talk to her, talk to her, talk to her. 

Kristin Says:

RAISINS ON THE FLOOR AND PUKE IN THE TUB IS EXACTLY WHAT HELL MUST BE LIKE.

THIS IS HORRIBLE.

Write her this letter:

Dear Roommate,

THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE AND YOU MUST CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF. If you find you are unable to contain your raisins or your vomit, then you should live by yourself or with someone who loves eating floor-raisins and bathing in puke. WHICH IS NO ONE.

Love,
Other Roommates and Kristin Russo of everyoneisgay.com 

I know that sounds harsh but like… talk to her about it, do what Dannielle said and make a chore chart, but if those things don’t succeed… she has to go. That is just. THAT IS. UGH. 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I would literally tell them to stop bitching about each other to you. Because here’s the thing… they hate each other, whatever. That already makes me wary, for what reason? Doesn’t it make you feel weird that they’re both soooo against the other they can’t even be civil human beings?? Like… WHAT’S GOING ON, WHO IS ACTUALLY THAT MAD? 

Anyway, they can hate each other and roll their eyes when the other makes a joke or whatever WITHOUT involving you directly. The next time PAPERTOWELS (your girlfriend) starts to talk smack about PONYTAILS (your roomie) stop her and say ‘hey papertowels, i love you and i want you to be able to talk to me about stuff, but i really don’t wanna talk about ponytails. I just feel like nothing will really come of it, and she’s one of my good friends, so like, i’m not gonna say anything bad about her you know?”

This will prolly cause a tiny fight, but when it comes down to it, you’re not asking her to love your roomie, you’re just asking her to bitch a little less. AND DO THE SAME WITH YOUR ROOME ‘hey ponytails, i love papertowels and i’m not gonna talk shit about her..sooo’ you know what i mean? EASY PEASY. Do what you gotta do to keep your emotional well-being stable.. you are SUPER important.

Kristin Says:

This is ridiculous and it pisses me STRAIGHT OFF. I am now in a fight with both PAPERTOWELS and PONYTAILS and I would like to tell you, Anonymous, that I am mad at them and I think they are acting immature and stupid. So, now you have to deal with a new problem: PAPERTOWELS, PONYTAILS, AND KRISTIN all bitch to you about each other.

Seriously, though, the first thing that you should know is that this is a completely unfair situation that you are in - so feel justified for being angry and uncomfortable, because that is exactly  how I would feel as well.

I would tackle this with your roommate first, because I think that this is a space that you both share… so the responsibility is more on her to make it a comfortable living environment for you and the people who mean a lot to you (read: PAPERTOWELS). The next time she bitches, just ask her if there is anything that would make her experience in the apartment a bit more bearable, because you love PAPERTOWELS and she is going to be around, but if there is anything that can be done so that PONYTAILS is more comfortable, you are all ears.

Then, say very nicely, “It would mean a lot if we could get to a place where you are less upset with PAPERTOWELS, only because I live here and I care about her, and I just want all of us to be as content as possible.”

THEN, talk to your boo #papertowels and explain that you’ve been feeling really torn about the house conflict, and that you talked to your roommate #ponytails so that things would get a little easier. Tell her you care about her and love her and that if there is anything that could be better for her, you are ALL EARS, but that July is the month of peacemaking and you want to all work together toward INDEPENDENCE FROM YOUR CONFLICTS.

Eh? #IndependenceDayResolutions

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I want everyone to know I almost just typed “Janet Says” … .and if I had it’d look like this

“Janet Says:

mooooooooooow meoooooow maaaaaaaaao”

because she’s screaming for some reason. 

Did I tell you guys about the dream I had where I thought I was best friends with Christina Aguilera? And I kept calling her “Teeny Ags” ?? Bc like… that is the worst possible nickname you could have for a best friend. The only people in my life who have nicknames are my best friend amanda, whom I call ‘bestfriend’ my bff brynn, who i sometimes call ‘brenanny’ and if i’m trying about lauren zettler i call her ‘zet’ but like also… i guess sometimes i call my friend Kristine Thune, TeenyTuney… maybe that’s where it came from?

TEENY AGS?!?! What if people actually call Christina Aguilera, Teeny AGs…also WHY WAS CHRISTINA AGUILERA IN MY DREAM!?!? It must mean something. Maybe she loves everyoneisgay.com and the universe was trying to tell me… 

HEEEEY TEENY AGS. 

Kristin Says:

I JUST ALMOST DIED.

Not really, but please, please listen to what just happened to me in my bathroom.

So.  I was about to get into the shower, when I looked down and saw a gigantic centipede running around the base of the bathtub.  TYPICALLY, when there is a bug in the house I am capable of killing it, but like, a) I WAS NAKED and b) IT WAS SO BIG, so I screamed to the top of my lungs, “MEZI MEZI SOMEONE HELP ME MEEEEZZZZZIIIIIIIII.”

Please note: In our house we call centipede’s ‘mezis’ because they look like something out of the mesozoic era.

Anyway, my roommate heard my cries and came running and then we both screamed at it for about two minutes, and then I finally worked up the nerve to smush it (which of course made me scream even louder).  Then I took a few deep breaths, dismissed my roommate from the bathroom, and went to get back into the shower.  Before I stepped in, I felt an itch on my foot and of course panicked and thought, “WHAT IF ITS ANOTHER MEZI,” but then thought, “Silly Kristin, you are just paranoid.”  Then I looked down AND

THERE

WAS

A

MEZI

ON

MY

FUCKING

FOOT.

I literally screamed blood curdling murder and kicked it across the room and my roommate ran in and smushed it and then I made her stay in the bathroom with me while I showered because I was so terrified.

The end.