-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I’m a firm believer that love is never enough. I also firmly believe you have to do what’s best for you.

I mean, love is amazing / the best / incredible / life changing.. but it’s rarely ever ENOUGH. You know? People are too complicated for love to just work out and all your problems just solve themselves. A lot more goes into making a relationship work and sometimes, regardless of the amount of love the two of you share, shit just doesn’t work out. 

This doesn’t mean you’re broken or they’re broken or you’ll never find love again. It means you’ve opened your heart to someone, you loved and were loved by another human and it was almost perfect. HOWEVER, the big huge thing that is making everything crumble? It’s the universe telling you that there’s something even more incredible out there. There is someone out there who understands you completely and you understand them completely and you have all the same goals and hopes and the two of you are gonna rock the world together. ORRR there is someTHING out there just waiting for you to find it; a passion, a dream, a goal, a trip around the globe…

Everything happens for a reason. It might take you 3 months or 5 years or 2 decades to figure out what that reason was, but trust me, if you work hard and follow your dreams and do what’s best for you, you WILL figure it out. 

Kristin Says:

I agree with Dannielle - love alone is not enough to carry you through life or sustain a relationship. Love is beautiful, necessary, and crucial in many areas in life, but it can’t just stand up on its own and make everything okay. I have fiercely loved many individuals in my life who I couldn’t sustain a relationship with —- and I still fiercely love those people.

Timing is extremely important in shaping that love and turning it into a tool that promotes growth and strength. If I were the person I am today when I started dating my first girlfriend, our relationship would have been entirely different.  I would have handled our fights differently, I would have handled our time together differently… I would have handled our love differently.

Trust me when I tell you that your experiences with love right now - especially the experiences that end in uncertainty and confusion - are the experiences that will lead you to a love that is enough. That love will come along with confidence, communication, independence, vulnerability, and patience. Understand that it is okay to love someone and to walk away from that person when you know that things aren’t right. That isn’t failure - that is growth in its most powerful form.

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

I think you should just be honest and tell her you don’t want to be with her.

I realize that you honestly do think ‘oooh nooo i’m not good enough for you, you deserve sooo much better than meeee’ but a big part of that reason is because you don’t want to be with her. Now, it is totally possible that you absolutely do want to be with her, and because of where you both are in life shit just can’t work It’s totally possible that she is the best thing on planet earth and you have no idea who you are, and when you are with her you feel like you drag her down. If this is the case find a different way of telling her. Tell her you don’t want to be with her - because by saying shit like ‘you deserve better’ and ‘i’m still in love with you, but you could be doing so much more’ you’re literally leading her on and ASKING HER TO CHASE YOU. 

Check in with yourself. Do you want to be with this human or not? If your answer is ‘no’ then find a way to tell her that, be gentle and kind and honest and give her space even though she might not ask for it. If your answer is ‘yes’ then be with her and take some time and space to work on you. If your answer is ‘yes.. but’ then pretend your answer is ‘no’ and let her go.

Kristin Says:

Yeah, dude. You gotta ditch that “she deserves better” line immediamente. #spanish

If I were in love with you and you were like, “Listen, you can do better,” I would be like, “NO FOOL, I WANT YOU, STOP BEING DOWN ON YOURSELF AND MAKE OUT WITH MY MOUTH ALREADY.” You know? You aren’t going to be able to convince me that the reason we shouldn’t be together is because you aren’t good enough BECAUSE I AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. Hypothetically.

You get your ex to understand that you do not want to be with her and that she should stop chasing you by telling her in plain English (or whatever language you speak) “I do not want to date you.” Just like Dannielle said. Cut the “buts” and the “ifs” and the other shit and make it clean and simple. Stop engaging in text or phone or internet conversations. Stop following her on Tumblr and Twitter and de-friend her on Facebook. Explain that you need space and that you aren’t taking those actions to be spiteful, but that you DO NOT WANT TO DATE HER and you need time apart from her so that you can both move on.

Breaking up can’t be done half-assed, you guys. Unless you want it to drag on for a goddamn year, you have to take a deep breath, say the words that hurt you both, and move on.

Dig?

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says:

If this were me and my mother, i wouldn’t talk about it at all. Maybe your relaysh with your ma’ is totally different, but like..I wouldn’t want to deal with it. 

Everyone has a different way of approaching important life things and I want to go ahead and say I am NOT AT ALL the best at it. For me, it’s more important to have a nice time and make sure my mom is okay. I’d rather avoid the gay thing for a few days and get our relationship back to a good spot. Maybe she’s thinking about it, but maybe she’s not. There are a million other things going on in both of your lives and I think the fact that you’re gay is not that big of a deal. 

I know that being gay and coming out and finding yourself are all huge things, but having a good relationship with your mom is also a huge thing. The two of you will work to find a place where you know how to talk about it again, you can’t force stuff like that. Focus on having a good time at home and helping your mom to remember you’re the same kid you always were, you’re her kid, you know? She loves you more than anything and these things take time. One day if you’re sitting around and you’ve had an awesome week just shooting the shit and eating oreos maybe ask her if she’s thought about it at all. Don’t force her to have a conversation she’s not ready to have, but you can totally bring it up and say ‘i just love you a lot and i want us to feel comfortable talking about stuff’ and she’ll get it, maybe she won’t be able to talk it really, but she’ll at least get that you love her and she won’t feel pressured to talk about something she doesn’t understand. 

Kristin Says:

This is absolutely one hundred million percent dependent on how your insides are feeling now that you are home and under the same roof.

If you feel like, “Damn, I just want to sit and watch a movie and tell her about my stupid calculus professor and how my roommate would leave pizza on her bed overnight,” then you should do those things, and not focus on the lesbian elephant #lesbiphant

If that conversation you had back in April is weighing heavily on your heart, though, then talking about it may be the best thing for you. What Dannielle said about that conversation is dead on, though - it has to be a conversation that is both for you to communicate your feelings and for her to be able to communicate hers. So many times in these situations we feel that we need to have the conversation so that it ends with MOM thinking KID is right (or vice versa)… but that ain’t true. No one needs to change their opinion in the conversation, no one needs to concede their point. It should be about both of you being able to say how you feel, and working to understand the other person’s feelings.

“Mom, I love you. The conversation we had in April really hurt me, and I know it was probably really hard for you, too. I don’t want to try to convince you of anything or make things uncomfortable - but I do want you to know that I would like to try to talk more about this as you feel comfortable, because it is a part of my life, and you are so important to me.”

Start there. Breathe. Have patience. It may be a summer of struggle over there, but let me tell you this much: The summer of 1999 (#oldlady) was my summer of struggle, and the other day my mom was on the radio with me telling all of America how excited she was about Obama’s support of gay marriage… so, hang in there. xoxo

-Question submitted by Anonymous

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Dannielle Says: 

Beats me.

I’m convinced the right person doesn’t pop into your life until you’re like ‘WHEW I NEED TO BE SINGLE FOR A WHILE MY LAST GIRLF IS BEIN A FARTWAD AND I DONT WANNA EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AGAIN, START CALLIN ME SINGLE SALLY YALL’ and then all of a sudden a pretty girl who smells like candy slaps you in the face and it’s all over from there. 

Patience is a virtue. That’s a legit quote from an old guy. We have to practice having patience so hard because I don’t think it comes easy to anyone. The best advice I can give you is SWITCH YOUR FOCUS. Right now you’re so obsessed with finding the right girl, no one will be right, they will all be almost right. Focus on friendships and work and having a blast and the person will fall from the sky out of nowhere. OR YOU COULD CREATE A VISION BOARD FOR THE PERFECT LADY AND SHE WILL COME TO YOU. You guys, I love vision boards. 

Kristin Says:

Any time in my life when I have ever been single and someone has been like, “Just when you stop looking for it, it will happen,” I have wanted to slap them in the jaw and scream, “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO CONVINCE MYSELF TO STOP LOOKING YOU FARTWAD?!”

Not really fartwad, but Dannielle inspired me. I think I usually called them a jerkball or something. In my brain, not out loud.

So I totally get if you are like, “Listen, I know I am just supposed to focus on other things and as soon as I am busy picking tulips a lovely lady will saunter my way and start kissing me and birds will fly overhead holding a banner that reads, “SHE STOPPED LOOKING AND NOW SHE HAS FOUND LOVE, or whatever but I effing can’t so godhelpmewhatdoidooooo?!”

You know what you do? Be really fucking impatient when you need to be. You’ll have some nights where you go out with your friends and you get really hopeful and you think, “Maybe tonight is the night,” and then you’ll wind up having three whiskeys and a beer and going home alone and you’ll cry yourself to sleep because you’ll always be single forever and ever… and then a few months later you’ll do the same thing except there’ll be a lady there who is totally adorable and you’ll flirt together and then you’ll kiss before you get in your taxicab and go on a date the following week and fall in love.

My point is, yes - try to remind yourself that life is completely unpredictable and try to focus on the things that make you happy, because that will make the moments you are living right now more enjoyable. However, don’t beat yourself up over feeling scared and frustrated and confused. You have every right to feel that way sometimes!! The trick is not getting stuck in a hopeless rut, because life will surprise the shit outta you, all the time and forever.