-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

You just have to say it. I’m sure there’s a piece of you that is riddled with guilt. You feel like he has a right to talk like this, tell people, ask questions and hurt you bc it was your fault. Right? NOT. TRUE. You should still be treated with respect and your boyf should still consider your feelings enough to let this be a private matter. 

You went through a tough time, mad some bad decisions, and overcame your struggles with hard work and believing in yourself. AND I know it’s still an ongoing struggle. You’re dealing with a lot. You need support. 

Write a him something explaining how uncomfortable you are when he brings it up in public, and how you want to talk with him about it. When he says ‘ok lets talk,’ look him in the eye and tell him exactly what you told us. Tell him that you really feel like you’re doing so well, but those feelings disappear when he brings it up and doubts you. Tell him that the best possible thing he can do is support you. No matter what we’re going through, we NEED support, we NEED people who believe in us, and we NEED to feel get about ourselves. Ask him to help you with those things. 

Chances are, he’s worried and nervous and not trying to make you feel bad. Try to explain to him that you understand his concerns and you appreciate his worry, but you need him to change the way he expresses those feelings. Hopefully, he’ll get it, he loves you, right? He wants the best and he wants you to stay healthy and happy! You could also have him read this post….

Kristin Says:

I agree one million percent. You phrased your question in a way that let’s us know you are absolutely willing to talk about his feelings and experiences, but that you are frustrated and uncomfortable with the way in which he is approaching things now. When you speak with him - just like Dannielle said - make sure you emphasize the fact that you absolutely want to work with him to find a way to dialogue about his concerns, but you just want it to be in a way that also sits well with you.

I can’t completely understand your experience with him, but the thing I understand the least is why he is talking about this in front of people or with all of his friends. I think that he should absolutely be able to voice his fears with his close friends - that is a crucial part of him understanding his own feelings and being able to support you even further - but speaking about your personal life in front of others seems disrespectful. That said, there is a good chance that he has no idea it is making you uncomfortable to begin with!

Explain the exact scenarios that make you uneasy, ask him what he feels he needs to be the best partner to you, and explore those things together. The more you listen to him, the more he will listen to you. Just like anything else in a relationship, you both need to be open to the other’s concerns and thoughts and feelings, and work together to find common ground. 

-Question submitted by Anonymous

—

Dannielle Says: 

I think you should leave this up to him, or at least talk to him. I remember when I came out to my mom and she immediately told my entire family (she couldn’t help it, it’s in our blood). I was working up the courage to call my Aunt Bev for like 30 minutes, and when i finally did… SHE ALREADY KNEW… she pretended she didn’t bc she loves me, but COME ON. You know? 

Talk to your son and ask him if he’s even ready to come out to the rest of the family - he may have just wanted you to know. If he is ready and he does want you to tell the fam on his behalf, do that. When they’re like ‘aren’t you upset’ stand firm and tell them you’re not bc like… WHY WOULD YOU BE UPSET PANCAKE (your sons name) IS PERFECT. If he decides to come out to them on his own and gets some backlash, stand up for him. Tell your family that he’s no different from the grandson/nephew/pancake they’ve known and loved for years, and the last thing he needs is for his family to be a bag of dicks, you know? If anything you can say “I’m not necessarily upset, but I am scared for him, I can’t imagine being pancake right now and not having the support of my family, that scares me.”

The most important thing you can do for your son is support him. He’s gonna have a rough time at school, maybe at work, maybe at gas stations, and maybe with family members, but he has you. That’s huge. Be confident that you are an awesome parent and that him having you to talk to is going to make his entire life so much easier. 

Kristin Says:

My extended family has had, and still has, a very hard time with me being gay. My parents and sister, however, are three of my biggest supporters. What I am saying is, I understand your position very, very well - and I can tell you that what Dannielle has said about the value of your vocal support of your son is key.

I remember dating a girl very seriously a few years ago, and repeatedly getting invitations to family functions that did not include her. Once, on my grandmother’s birthday, I specifically asked if I could bring her and my aunt said that she thought it might make everyone uncomfortable. My dad found out about that conversation and called me immediately. He said, “You bring whoever you want to your grandmother’s birthday, Kristin, and if they don’t invite you both to the next function, I am not going.”

I have never, EVER forgotten that support, and it made the burn of my extended family’s disapproval fade away in the face of my parent’s love for me. When you and your son figure out what he is most comfortable with in terms of ‘coming out’ to the rest of the family, you should simply be present for him in any way that he needs.

Also, you should both remember that this is a process that is ongoing. We say that all the time for kids coming out to their parents, and it holds true for parents who are coming out with their children. Your support, in a sense, is its own version of coming out, and all of those extended family members are going to need time to process, room to mess up a bit along the way, and the ability to ask questions.

Short answer: Allow him to guide the process, support him at every turn, don’t assume the worst, and be as patient, forgiving and kind as possible to those around you who may not immediately respond with acceptance.